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Lay Dying Jokes

45 lay dying jokes and hilarious lay dying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lay dying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lay Dying Short Jokes

Short lay dying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lay dying humour may include short dying jokes also.

  1. My father passed away last night because we couldn't remember his blood type... ...As he lay there dying he kept on insisting us to 'be positive', but it's really hard without him.
  2. Fun fact: if you take a man, remove all of his blood vessels and lay them out end to end... He'll die
  3. Surprisingly true fact A recent study has shown that if a doctor surgically removes all of the veins from your body and lays them end to end, you will die.
  4. What did King Kong say as he lay dying at the Dixieland Shakespeare Dinner Theater? Étouffée
  5. Did you know that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson use to be addicted to h**...? He almost died one day, until he finally decided to lay the s**... down.

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Lay Dying One Liners

Which lay dying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lay dying? I can suggest the ones about dog dying and laying.

  1. Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end, They'll die.

Lay Dying Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lay dying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dies jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lay dying pranks.

An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man go to Heaven

An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man all die and go to Heaven. When they approach the Pearly Gates they beg St. Peter to give them a second chance. St. Peter agrees under one condition. They must never give in to their favorite things ever again. The three men agree and are sent back down to Earth. While walking down the street enjoying their new found lives they come across a pizzeria.
Italian: Oh my God! I never thought I would taste a good slice of pizza again!
Before the other two can stop him he rushes into the store and grabs a slice. As he bites down on it p**...! he disappears.
The two remaining men continue walking down the street when he spots a $20 bill laying on the sidewalk. Before the gay man can stop him he rushes over and bends over to pick it up and p**...! they both disappear!

3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)

St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.
So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the bed. Finally, after searching for awhile, I find a man hanging off our balcony. So I hammer him fingers until he falls to his death. Unfortunately, he lands in some bushes and, save for a few cuts and bruises, he's alright. So, as mad as I am, I throw our fridge out over the balcony on top of him. I felt so bad, that I shot myself."
St. Peter says, "My, that's a terrible story. I don't know if these 2 can top that."
So the second guy begins. "Well, I'm doing yoga on my balcony in just my sweatpants. I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment building. Well, due to an odd series of yoga stretches, I fall. Luckily, I caught the floor below me. And here comes someone to help me up! But then he starts hammering my fingers! So I fall, thinking this is it. But I land in some bushes and I'm OK! And that's when I see a refrigerator..."
St. Peter is stunned, thinking no one can top this story. So the third guy looks at the others and says,
"Picture this. You're n**... in a refrigerator."

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish...

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish. The cat says, "Lord, I'd like a fluffy pillow to lay on." So the lord gave him a fluffy pillow.
The next day, three mice died and went to heaven. The lord said he'd grant them one wish. The mice said, "Lord, we'd like to have roller skates so we can skate in heaven." So the lord gave the mice roller skates.
The next day, the lord visited the cat and asked, "How is your fluffy pillow?"
The cat replied, "I'm loving the fluffy pillow. But you know what I love even more? Those meals on wheels."

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.
"They're for the f**...."

Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.

They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.
When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.
Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says
> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?
To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath
> Pedro, it is not a bacon tree...it is a hambush.

2 Mexicans were walking through the desert...

It'd been more than a week since either of them had eaten anything, and their last bottle of water had just gone dry. They'd been walking for hours on end.
Suddenly on the horizon, one of the Mexican's spotted something. 'Look over there my friend, you see the green thing?'
His friend replies 'The thing with pink stuff on it'
Through the air a delicious salty, meaty aroma hit both their noses. They could see a large green, leafy shape in the distance, with pink slivers of what looked like greasy meat hanging from it.
'Yeah man, and you can smell it too!, amigo eetz a bacon tree!'
'AMIGO EETZ A BACON TREE! WE'RE SAVED!'
The Mexican who had first spotted the bacon tree on the horizon suddenly ran, as fast as his legs could carry him towards the plant in in the distance. When all of a sudden...
BANG! BANG! BANG! - Gunshots fired out, as if from nowhere
The other Mexican, who had not had the energy to run looked on to his friend, who lay bleeding and dying from his wounds
Barely able to mouth the words through lack of water the Mexican cried out to his dying friend. 'Amigo, what happened?'
With his last breath the dying Mexican warned his partner...
'Amigo, eetz no bacon tree, eetz a Ham Bush!'

A couple are in bed...

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."
"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"
"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

The old Priest

In Washington, DC, an old Priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his Nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?" said the Nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the Priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the Nurse.
The Nurse had the request sent to the President and Congress and all waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the Priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.
Reid agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the Priest's room, the Priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you neared the end?"
The old Priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Reid.
The old Priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; in fulfilling that consummate desire, I wanted to do the same."

A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.

he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he rolls out of bed onto the floor, crawls to the top of the stairs, then head over heels he tumbles all the way downstairs. On his belly he drags himself into the kitchen. As he is laying there on the tile he can just see the edge of the cookies hanging over the counter. He reaches a weak hand up and then *KERRRWACK* right on his hand. He looks up and his wife is standing there holding a spatula. She says "STOP IT!!! Those are for the f**...".

Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

A man's wife lay dying in the hospital...

with a mysterious illness. After the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do, he turned and left the couple alone in the room. The man asked his wife "Honey, is there anything I can do for you before you go?"
She weakly replied "Yes. I want you to go down on me."
Her husband was shocked. "What? Why? You mean right here, now?"
"Yes, please dear. It would make me happy one last time."
So the husband reluctantly begins to carry out his wife's request. As his wife nears c**..., she becomes more and more animated and finally screams out in pleasure.
The husband looks at her in shock, just as the doctors and nurses rush into the room. The wife looks at the everyone and says "I feel wonderful! Better than I've felt in my life!" The doctor, in disbelief, asked what had happened. The wife explained what had transpired, and just then her husband sat down on the bed weeping.
His wife asked, "Honey, why are you crying? You saved my life!"
Her husband answered her "Yes, and I'm so happy about that. It's just, to think, I could have saved Mom and Aunt Mary!"

Remarriage

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you remarry?"
"Of course not darling" she replies, "I'll live with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?"
And the husband replies "Of course not honey, I will also stay with your sister."

A Man Is Almost About To Die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

The bacon tree.

Juan and Carlos have been stranded in the desert for 2 days. They are on the verge on dying of thirst when Juan sees something in the distance.
He gets closer to confirm his suspicions - off in the distance is an incredibly juicy bacon tree. "Mira!!" (Look!) "Carlos! Up ahead, it's a bacon tree!! A juicy delicious bacon tree!"
At this point Juan takes off in a sprint towards the bacon tree when out of nowhere he is gunned down!
Carlos runs to Juan's side as he lay there dying. Juan looks at Carlos and, with his final breaths, manages to say "Carlos, mi amigo, it was not a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."

The Irish Nun and warm milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

A Story of Two Bees

So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes, I agree. Our colony is in grave danger of starvation, and we need to bring them this pollen."
But soon, the rain began. The bees headed for shelter, but before long, One Bee was hit by a drop of water. Two Bee rushed to his side, and dragged him under a leaf, but it was too late. As One Bee lay dying, he said "Two Bee, you must live. Take the pollen I have gathered, the hive needs it. And when you return, tell my wife and children, I love them. Go on without me," then died.
As the rain cleared up, Two Bee knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, so he set his emotions aside.
What happened next?
Two Bee Continued.

An old couple lay dying of cancer

The wife turns to the husband and says "I have a confession to make. For years I switched the sugar in your coffee with powdered asbestos."
A tear comes to the husband's eyes he replies that he too has a confession to make. "I switched our coffees because you loved sweets. This tumor is hereditary."

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.
Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.
One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"
"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have s**.... Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more s**... until lunch. After lunch I have more s**...; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have s**... until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."
The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and s**... all day?"
"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Billy's dead canary

Billy's canary was dead lying on the bottom of his cage. Billy asked his Dad why when things die they lay on their back with their eyes closed and their legs in the air. His Dad told him it was so God could grab them by their feet and take them to heaven. A few days later when his Dad was pulling into the driveway after work, Billy came running out screaming ..."Daddy, Daddy..Mommy nearly died today !" "What happened ?" Asked Billy's Dad. "Well" said Billy " I came home from school today and there was Mommy in the bedroom on her back with her eyes closed and her legs in the air, just like my canary, and she was saying 'God I'm coming...God I'm coming' and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down...he would have got her !"

An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed

As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"
"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.
"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.
The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."

A father and a son

one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God I am coming, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down"
sorry english not my first language.

A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man

A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man all die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they may stay in heaven, but only if they can resist their favorite earthly temptations. The three men agree and begin to walk through paradise. They soon come to a McDonald's. The fat man begins to run toward it and disappears. The two remaining men continue walking.
They soon come upon a $100 bill laying on the ground. The rich man bends down to pick it up and the gay man disappears.

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"

A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him

As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"
"There is no need." She said
"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."
"If you must." She said.
"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.
His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.
"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.
What? his father replied.
When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'GOD, I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming.'
If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!

An old married couple is laying in bed one night

And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"
The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."
But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."
The husband says, "How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days.
But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question,
"Would you give her my golf clubs?"
And the husband says, "Of course not she's left handed."

A man goes to prison.

The first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
"Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few gasps. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.
"Hey, what happened?"
"Man, that's not cool. Lenny's mom just died."

Sad dad joke

2 dads are laying side by side on their death beds in the hospital, ome dad turns to the other and says
"how are you holding up buddy?"
"Not good, the doctor said im dying"
"huh the docter told me same thing, I cant belive a medical professional would mess both our names up like that!"
Pre-

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bob.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**...."
"Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big n**... guy laying on the bed with this huge e**.... So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half."
"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" Bob replied, "Wrong room..."

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on her back with her legs up in the air. It's a good thing uncle Frank was holding her down, she would have been gone for sure."

Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.

One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"
The other says, "Hot d**...! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"
"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be b**... away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86 when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork.

Old Buddy Hackett Joke:

A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love. A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her back . The doctor asks her," How old are you?". She says ," I'm 20 years old, why do you ask." The doctor replies, " Because your a**... says you died in 1898."

A cosmonaut c**... lands

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft c**... lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yerster dye."

An old joke in my native language.

In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.
The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question correctly will be the king of idiots..
..and the question is: **If a rooster sits on a tower, and lays an egg, in which direction will the egg fall?**"

A short, but funny one

A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?
His wife crying uncontrollably answers Yes
He asks Whose is it?
His wife replies Yours

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.
A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:
\- No one has arrived yet?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in pain
\- Not even the ambulance?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in agony
\- Not even the insurance company?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in suffering
\- Then you wouldn't mind if I lay there with you, would you?