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Lawyers Jokes

139 lawyers jokes and hilarious lawyers puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawyers that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Lawyers Jokes

Short lawyers jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawyers humour may include short jokes also.

  1. A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You are the lawyer.
    Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
  2. Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
    Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
    Me: But you said 3
    Genie: Sue me.
  3. A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
    Credit to u/DrDerpberg
  4. I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline. You don't have much of a case, he replied.
  5. A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
    No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.
  6. A priest, a lawyer, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank... ... and the nurse asks, "what types are you?"
    The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."
  7. "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
    "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
  8. Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
    Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
  9. When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.
  10. Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about lawyers can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of lawyers puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Lawyers One Liners

Which lawyers one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawyers? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law
  2. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under? A: Because deep down they're really good people.
  3. Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
  4. Why are there no irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
  5. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A senator.
  6. Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.
  7. What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet? The Ex Files
  8. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70? A politician.
  9. What does a black man call a black lawyer? A brother in law
  10. A lawyer, comedian, and a soldier walk into a bar Zelensky is his name
  11. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
  12. So, a lawyer goes to heaven... Just kidding.
  13. What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
  14. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? The jury's out on that one.
  15. Why are lawyers always buried 15 feet deep?
    Because deep down they're good people.

Lawyers And Judges Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawyers and judges jokes and even better lawyers and judges puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A. A good lawyer knows the law but a great lawyer knows the judge.
  • Lawyer A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge!
  • My Client Is Not Guilty. Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
    Judge: What Do You Mean?
    Lawyer: He's In A Cent.
  • There are two kind of lawyers : Those who know the law, and those who know the judge.
  • What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
  • The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
  • Innocence Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was trapped in a penny, she could've never stolen anything.
    Judge: What do you mean?
    Lawyer: She's in a cent.
  • Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer? Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...
  • What did the judge say to the hot lawyer? You're attorney-ing me on.
  • A lawyer walks into a courtroom without a shirt Lawyer: "Can we please postpone this trial?"
    Judge: "Of course, how can we start the trial when you've forgotten your lawsuit!"

Lawyers And Politicians Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawyers and politicians jokes and even better lawyers and politicians puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street... ...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
    Santa. The other two don't exist.
  • A priest, a politician, and a lawyer walk into heaven... God immediately yells "NOPE, ALL OF YOU OUT, THIS ISN'T A JOKE!"
  • Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes. Politicians just have better lawyers.
  • What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton
  • Person a: so im a good lier what jobs should i choose a lawyer or a politician Person b: you could also be a preacher
  • I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
    Then I woke up.

Lawyers Tombstone Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawyers tombstone jokes and even better lawyers tombstone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
  • A boy and his father are walking in a graveyard when they see a tombstone that reads: here lies a lawyer and a good man the boy turns to his father and says:
    "Why did they bury 2 men there?"
  • A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity. The peasant crosses himself and says scared: "Blessed v**..., three men buried in the same grave!"

Sharks Lawyers Jokes

Here is a list of funny sharks lawyers jokes and even better sharks lawyers puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls! But really, they're all liti-gators
  • Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark? Professional courtesy.
  • Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy
  • Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  • Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off? He didn't have a leg to stand on
  • Why don't shark bite Lawyers? Profession Courtesy.
  • Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
    A: Professional courtesy.

Lawyers Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lawyers you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make lawyers prank.

A lawyer is about to enter a party..............

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

Lawyers are expensive

Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"

Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are a**....'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an a**...!'

You shouldn't tell lawyer jokes

Lawyers are people, just like you and me. In fact, I bet if you split open a lawyer's chest, you'll find a heart of gold. And if you don't, hey, at least you split open his chest.

Why don't U2's lawyers ever make any money?

All their work is pro Bono.

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

Ninety-eight percent of lawyers...

give the other two percent a really bad name.

Why can't Irish people become lawyers?

Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;
One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.
And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.
(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

What do lawyers and s**... have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

99% of lawyers ...

. . . give the rest of us a bad name.

Why do Irishmen make horrible lawyers?

They can never pass the bar.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

to keep their foreskins from creeping up.

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

Three Doctors

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?

New Jersey picked first.

The problem with telling lawyer jokes is

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits! 😂
Courtesy of the popsicle I just enjoyed. Had to share. Have a great day.

Do you know why...

...they bury lawyers 10 feet under, instead of the usual 6 feet under?

Because "deep down" they're good people.

98% of lawyers

give the other 2% a bad name

Why does the law prohibit s**... between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect).

Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.

Brainless Lawyers

In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Two lawyers are having lunch.

An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other "See that hot babe over there? I s**... her!" The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says "Out of what?"

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

What do lawyers wear to court?

*Lawsuits*

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having s**...?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists...

... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_
The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_
The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

What do lawyers and s**... have in common?

1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can't wait to get home," says one. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's p**... right off."
"I know the feeling," says the other.
"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

What city do lawyers come from?

Sioux City.

A high-end lawyer is leaving his car when he gets sideswiped by a passing truck.

He calls the cops and he start complaining to them about how the truck had ruin his beautiful Roles Royce. The cop looks at him and sneers, you lawyers, always so concerned about your money. You are so busy worrying about your car that you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing.
The lawyer looks at his missing arm in horror and screams, oh no, my Rolex!!

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

Lawyers are like mustard gas

When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.
When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.

What sort of clothes do lawyers wear?

Lawsuits

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Man finds a lamp

He rubs it and pop the genie comes out.
Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.
Man: I wish for a world with no Lawyers.
Genie: p**...! Done, now you have no more wishes.
Man: but you said three.
Genie: Whatcha gonna do? Sue me!

Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.

They're eating homemade sandwiches.
The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"
The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

What did Melania Trump say to her divorce lawyers?

Stand back and stand by

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM

A Genie grants a person 3 wish

The genie says I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must
The man replies I want a world without lawyers
Granted, you have no more wishes left said the genie
The man exclaimed But wait! You said 3 wishes!
Genie replied Sue me

What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Four Surgeons are getting coffee

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their a**... are interchangeable."

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I want a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.
Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?
Genie: Sue me.

An angry man enters a bar.

The man begins shouting that all lawyers are a**..., exclaiming give me a lawyer, I'll show you there an a**....
This goes on until finally a man sitting at the bar comes over and confronts him.
He states you know, I resent that.
To which the angry man responds what, are you a lawyer?!
No, I'm an a**....

An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are a**...!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an a**...!"

A drunk walks into and says

All lawyers are a**...! A guy at the other end of the bar says, I resent that! The drunk says, Why, are you a lawyer? and the other guy says, No, I'm an a**...!

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They're very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are a**...!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**..."

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He says to the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
Bartender says, "Yep, sure do!"
The guy says, "Great! I'll have a scotch neat, and my alligator will have a lawyer."

A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.

A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"

Why don't lawsuits last very long?

Because most lawyers have briefcases.

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

A man goes to drown his sorrows after losing a trial. He exclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!"

The man next to him says, "I take issue with that."
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a scumbag."

Two lawyers enter a restaurant.

They both pull up suitcases onto the table they're on, and take out a sandwich each from their suitcases. Seeing this, a waiter comes up to them and tells them they cannot eat their own food in the restaurant. With an irritated tsk and a shake of the head, the two lawyers exchange their sandwiches, much to the despair of the unfortunate waiter.

Why they bury lawyers 12 feet under?

Because deep down they are good people.

What pronouns do Amber Heard's lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these lawyers jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.