Lawyers And Judges Jokes

67 lawyers and judges jokes and hilarious lawyers and judges puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawyers and judges that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lawyers And Judges Short Jokes

Short lawyers and judges jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawyers and judges humour may include short lawyers and politicians jokes also.

  1. Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A. A good lawyer knows the law but a great lawyer knows the judge.
  2. My Client Is Not Guilty. Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
    Judge: What Do You Mean?
    Lawyer: He's In A Cent.
  3. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
  4. The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
  5. Innocence Lawyer: Your Honor, my client was trapped in a penny, she could've never stolen anything.
    Judge: What do you mean?
    Lawyer: She's in a cent.
  6. Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer? Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...
  7. A lawyer walks into a courtroom without a shirt Lawyer: "Can we please postpone this trial?"
    Judge: "Of course, how can we start the trial when you've forgotten your lawsuit!"
  8. A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case. The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."
  9. A lawyer goes to court with no sleeves on The judge asks "Why are you sleeveless in my court?"
    The lawyer looked in straight faced and said "I have the right to bare arms sir".
  10. 2 lawyers, a judge, and a witness all walked into a bar What idiot designed it into the center of the courthouse floor anyway?

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Lawyers And Judges One Liners

Which lawyers and judges one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawyers and judges? I can suggest the ones about lawyer and lawyer doctor.

  1. Lawyer A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge!
  2. There are two kind of lawyers : Those who know the law, and those who know the judge.
  3. What did the judge say to the hot lawyer? You're attorney-ing me on.
  4. Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
    He was caught poaching.
  5. What did the lawyer call the sleepy judge? Yawner.
  6. Lawyer: my client is trapped in a penny Judge: what..?
    Lawyer: he's in a cent your honor
  7. A lawyer once said, "Who am I to judge?"
  8. What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him? He got him diss barred.
  9. What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
    Odour in court.
  10. Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
  11. What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.
  12. Successful Lawyers! Good lawyers know the laws and smart lawyers know the judges

Lawyers And Judges Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lawyers and judges you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctor and lawyer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lawyers and judges pranks.

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled, "You put him to sleep, so you wake him up."

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.

"Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness,
"I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep… You wake him up."

A Georgian man sits in the dock at the court, with his neck bended down.
The judge: "Why did you r**... the girl?"
"I liked her."
"Why did you r**... the boy?"
"I liked him."
"Sir, why don't you look to my eyes when you talk to me?"
"I'm afraid I'll like you…"

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" m**....

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

A guy gets framed for m**...

Lawyer : my client is trapped inside a coin
Judge : what?
Lawyer : he's in a cent
Judge : your going to jail with him

Open and Shut

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."
An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.
Think about that, the lawyer says. The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a m**... was actually committed.
He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.
Guilty? says the lawyer. How can that be? You were all watching the door!
Most of us were watching the door, says the foreman. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.

Me - Yesterday is history, but tomorrow.. tomorrow is a mystery.

Judge -'re on trial for m**.... Maybe you should've gotten a lawyer.

The Continuing Adventures of Lawyer Mom, Episode 1

Lawyer Mom: Your Honor, my client is accused of m**... in the first degree. But let me ask you, and everyone else in this court room, this: (Mom voice) Have any of YOU ever murdered someone?
Everyone looks around at each other, confused.
Judge: Um, no?
Lawyer Mom: (Puts hands on hips, closes her eyes, and continues in Mom voice) Well then how can any of you tell my client that m**... is bad if you have never even tried it? Hmmm?

A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.

The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"
The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."
The judge has a puzzled look on his face.
Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."

Every toxic person in my class should be lawyers.

They keep judging other people all the time.

There are a lot of lawyer jokes out there. None of them are good.

Because they get overly judged.

Court cases in the future.

Lawyer: You claim you were at the gym during the m**....
Defendant: That's right.
Lawyer: Yet you didn't post about it on Facebook.
Judge: Wow, GUILTY.

[In Court Room]

Judge: How does the defendant plead.
Lawyer: like this your honor 'makes whiny noise' \*noooo i didnt do any crimes\*
Judge: HAHAHA do it again

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

Judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison.

convict: (whispers to lawyer)
lawyer: my client has requested that you add one more year.

A judge ruled to take away Mr. Coffee's custody rights..

His lawyer asked, "on what grounds?"
The judge replied, "Child a-brews"

LPT: A good practical joke / prank is one where the victim can laugh with you afterwards.

At least, that's what my lawyer told me. The judge didn't laugh when I told her about it either.

my non-lawyer friends say I'm boring because I only ever talk about stuff that's law related

I'll be the judge of that

A ballerina on trial went before the judge

The judge asked if she was willing to take plea deal A or plea deal B.
After much deliberation with her lawyer
She said she'd like to plié

A martial arts expert is arrested for m**....

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.
'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.
'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.
'No, thank you', the martial arts expert replies again, 'I can do it by myself. After all I am a self defence expert'.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

Milton, I asked, puzzled, how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?

I was in prison, he answered. You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.

That's not possible, I said. I wasn't even a judge then.

No, you weren't the judge, the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. You were my lawyer.

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man

Another soviet joke.

A lawyer (L) walks in the court and meets a judge(his friend) (J) exiting a courtroom and laughing his a**... off.
L - Hey, why you laugh so hard?
J - Oh, i'v just heard a very good joke.
L - care to share it?
J - No, can't. Just sentenced a guy for life for telling that joke.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle

At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."
"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

Source: 1913 newspaper


A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

A lawyer walked into the courtroom wearing nothing but his underwear and asked, "Can we please postpone the trial?"

The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"