lawyer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lawyer puns

A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

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Fucking kids are expensive , I said

Is , my lawyer replied.

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My neighbour owes me Β£500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me Β£500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the Β£1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only Β£500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

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What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer?

A father in law

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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, I want to sue the airline.

You don't have much of a case, he replied.

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A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

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"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

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"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

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A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"

The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"

The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"

The man says "NO, I'm an asshole!"

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Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

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A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

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My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are assholes.'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an asshole!'

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What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline."

Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

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6 people in a plane

3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.

The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.

Teacher: what about the children!?!

Lawyer: fuck the children!

Priest: is there time?

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A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

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Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...

...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

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If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

would you go to lunch or a movie?

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Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy

His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane."

Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

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A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop fucking you when you're dead.

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What does a black man call a black lawyer?

A brother in law

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A man sitting in a bar suddenly shouted

All lawyers are assholes!
Another man jumped off his stool. Those are fighting words!
Oh, so you're a lawyer?
No, I'm an asshole.

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An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

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A Lawyer Walks into a Bar

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar sits down and asks for a drink from the bartender and says "All lawyers are assholes"

A man next to him says "Hey, that's offensive"

"Why you a lawyer?" The man replies

"No I'm an asshole"

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

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During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

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What are the most funny Lawyer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lawyer? Well, here are the best Lawyer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lawyer pick up lines to share with friends.

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