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Lawyer Doctor Jokes

92 lawyer doctor jokes and hilarious lawyer doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawyer doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lawyer Doctor Short Jokes

Short lawyer doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawyer doctor humour may include short doctor and lawyer jokes also.

  1. The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
  2. A lawyer walks into a doctor's office with a huge tumor on his face.
    Why didn't you come sooner? asks the doctor.
    To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house, the tumor says.
  3. A lawyer walks into a doctor's office with a huge tumor on his face... Doctor says, Why didn't you come sooner?
    The tumor says, To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.
  4. A lawyer and a doctor walk into a bar The doctor takes a look around and says, Wait, I'm at the wrong board exam!
  5. A man waiting for a heart transplant... ... says "I only want the heart of a dead lawyer." "Why?" asks the doctor.
    "I want one that's never been used."
  6. What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more.
  7. A doctor, an Englishman, a lawyer, an Irishman, a priest, a Scotsman, a cop, a midget, a fireman and a blonde walk into a bar.... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
  8. I went to the Jail doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the body of a 30 year old... I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my Lawyer.
  9. I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists... Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard
  10. Some joke my dad told me a long time ago What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
    Barbers.

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Lawyer Doctor One Liners

Which lawyer doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawyer doctor? I can suggest the ones about lawyer and doctor lawyer.

  1. Job choices for Asians 1. Doctor
    2. Lawyer
    3. Engineer
    4. Shame of family
  2. A doctor, a lawyer, and a Marine go into a bar And they fall asleep

Laughter Lawyer Doctor Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about lawyer doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lawyer bar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lawyer doctor pranks.

A man was involved in an auto accident.

A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.


Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out,
“And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, n**..., and wrinkled”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.


Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.


He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live.


So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
"Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the f**..., each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore t**... and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

A lawyer is about to enter a party..............

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the f**... they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.
After the f**..., the three were talking, and the doctor said "I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment for the hospital."
The priest chimed in, "I'm so glad you said that -- I couldn't bring myself to throw away $1 million either. I kept $300,000 to build a new wing on the church."
The lawyer shook his head in disgust and said, "I can't believe you two, ignoring your dead father's wishes like that! When we buried him, that coffin contained my personal check for the full amount of one million dollars!"

2 kids arguing.

2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...

are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"

The Lawyer and the Witness

doctor being questioned as a witness:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Courtroom joke

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

A Doctor, a banker, and a lawyer

3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away. While at the f**..., the Doctor says "I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend," so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket. The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well. The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

A doctor a lawyer a priest, and a young boy are on a plane when the hits turbulence and is about to c**......

There are three parachutes between the four of them. The doctor says "Well I'm a doctor and I specialize in medicine and saving lives so I think I should live", the others agree and the doctor takes the first parachute and jumps out. The lawyer says "Well I'm a really smart man basically a genius so I think I should live too", so he grabs the second parachute and jumps out. Now its the last parachute between the priest and the little boy. The priest looks at the boy and says "You know what my child take the parachute, the good lord has blessed me my whole life and you still have your life ahead of you so save yourself and take the last parachute". The little boy says "No it's all right", the priest asks "Why?" and the boy replies "Because the genius just jumped out with my back pack".

Witness in a trial

In a trial, a doctor who had performed the autopsy on the victim was called up to the stand by the prosecuting lawyer. After the doctor swears not to lie, he takes his seat getting ready to answer the lawyer's questions.
**Lawyer:** "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "Did you check for blood pressure?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "Did you check for breathing?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
**Doctor:** "No."
**Lawyer:** "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
**Doctor:** "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
**Lawyer:** "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
**Witness:** "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

The Autopsy Trial

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.
It was a few days after the f**... when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book,  look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!

Three guys go to Heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

Small World

A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."

How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

Because they both "practice" their professions.

Brain Transplant

Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:
A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:
"So we have some good news, and some bad news."
"Ok... What's the bad news?"
"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."
"Alright. So what's the good news?"
"You have some options to pick from. First option is a lawyer's brain. This one is expensive. It'll be $5,000."
"Well. A lawyers brain. That's pretty good. What's the next one?"
"Second option is a doctors brain. That's even more expensive. It costs $10,000."
"Wow. $10,000! But a doctor's brain. That's even better. So what's the third option?"
"The third option is a busdriver's brain. And that one is $50,000."
"$50,000!?? Why is it so much??"
"Because that one has never been used. It's like brand new! Fresh outta the box"

Johnny in school

At school, the children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at the picture when you're all grown up and can say, 'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer,' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor' or..."
Suddenly, Little Johnny spoke out "And there's the teacher... she's dead."
*

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant

So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is.
The lawyer says "well it's four"
The doctor says "if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two"
And the accountant looks at the question for a while, then says "well what do you want it to be?"

Three Doctors

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

An old man walks up to a priest, doctor, and a lawyer...

and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.
A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the f**... the trio met up.
The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."
The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."
The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"

After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.

However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.
The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.
20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"
The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.
The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"

My 3 sons

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He is now running for President

A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

I've heard of Lawyers who mount a stag's head in their study, or Doctors who mount a lion's head in their dining room...

I guess I just don't see the problem with a British Prime Minister mounting a pig's head wherever he pleases.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Four students are asked what they wanted to be when they grew up

1st student: I want to be a teacher, so I can teach my fellow countrymen
2nd student: I want to be a doctor, so I can cure my fellow countrymen
3rd student: I want to be a lawyer, so I can protect my fellow countrymen
4th student: I want to be a countryman

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.
It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?
Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.
The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

A doctor and a lawyer met with an accident....

A doctor and a lawyer in 2 cars collide on a country road.
The lawyer seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepts and has a couple of generous sips and hands it back to the lawyer, who closes it and puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave."

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a r**... thermometer...

"d**..., some a**...'s got my pen again!"

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

I don't get why engineering students call themselves engineers when they aren't yet

I mean people in med schooling don't call themselves doctors,
law students don't call themselves lawyers,
and art students don't call themselves broke

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into

Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.
Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A doctor, a lawyer and a statistician go hunting.

After a while they spot a deer. The doctor shoots first missing the shot by a meter to the left. The lawyer proceeds to shoot and misses the shot by a meter to the right.
That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

A woman is sleeping with a lawyer and a doctor

Everyday the doctor gives the woman a rose, and everyday the lawyer gives the woman an apple.
The woman says to the lawyer "The rose has meaning to it and is symbolic of love, so why do you give me an apple each day which has no meaning?".
To which the lawyer replies "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".

A lawyer and a politician are at a hospital

A lawyer and a politician are at the hospital when a doctor runs into the room. "One of our patients is dying. He says his religion needs a lawyer and a politician to be with him before he passes."
So the three hurry to the man's room. He's in pain, but as soon as he sees them a smile comes over his face. The lawyer steps forward and asks, "Out of all the people you could have chosen as a last request, why pick us?"
"Because," the man says, " I want to die the way Jesus did. Between a liar and a thief".

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

My doctor said "You need to get rid of 130 pounds of unhealthy fat"...

.. So I called a divorce lawyer.

Studies have shown that children of doctors are 30% more likely to become doctors.

Studies have also shown that children of lawyers are 30% more likely to become doctors

God, the devil and a lot of lawyers

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A doctor sees a brains for sale sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor's brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90? The cashier responds, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound?

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?

A woman goes to a doctor for a v**... examination

After the examination, the doctor says that everything looks good.
Well, says the woman, That is great because I'm getting married for the fourth time tomorrow!
Oh... the doctor says. But the research shows that you are a v**... ...
Yes, that's right, the woman answers, but my first husband was a gynaecologist and he only looked at it.
After that I married a psychologist and he only wanted to talk about it.
And my third husband was a contractor. He just kept saying we would start next week.
But tomorrow I'll marry a lawyer so I'm sure I will get s**... properly!

Priest, Doctor and Lawyer died

A priest, doctor and lawyer died. They met Saint Peter at the gate, who would only let them into heaven if they could answer one simple question.
Peter asked the priest, "what was the unsinkable ship that struck an iceberg?" The priest replied, "The Titanic". And the gates opened up.
Peter asked the doctor, "how many people died on the Titanic?" Doctor replied, "1,503". And the gates opened up.
"Name them" said Saint Peter to the lawyer.

A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...

Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he's passed.
Teacher: I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.
Adapted from a George Burns joke he credited to Walter Matthau.

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.
The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.
The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out.
The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working!

A doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl

Everyday the doctor brought her roses, while the lawyer got her an apple, without fail. One day, the girl decides to ask the lawyer why the apples, to which the lawyer replies, an apple a day keeps the doctor away

It's true women do make less money than men.

But it's their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Meteorologist are at a bar.

At some point later that night they reached a 2nd bar. The meteorologist turned and looked at the doctor and lawyer saying; this is too much pressure for me right now.

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

A lawyer, a doctor, a cop, an electrician, a plumber walks into a bar.

**Bartender asks "So what will you have Johnny Sins?"**

A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies

At the f**..., the doctor says to his two friends, Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial. So the other two agree to do this.
The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 bill on the body. Next the dentist does the same thing.
Lastly, the lawyer goes up to the coffin, and after paying his last respect, picks up the two $100 bills and leaves a check for $300.

2 plus 2

A business man asks his doctor what 2 plus 2 is and is told 4. He then asks his lawyer what 2 plus 2 is and gets the same answer 4. Finally he asks his accountant what 2 plus 2 is. The accountant replies 'what do you want it to be',

jokes about lawyer doctor