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Lawyer Bar Jokes

131 lawyer bar jokes and hilarious lawyer bar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawyer bar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lawyer Bar Short Jokes

Short lawyer bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawyer bar humour may include short lawyer jokes also.

  1. A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar. The bartender says, what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?
    Credit to u/DrDerpberg
  2. A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
    No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.
  3. Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar!
    Credit to my dad for this one
  4. A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
    The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
    Just-ice was served...
  5. Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.
  6. A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says, "you must be here to talk about adoption".
  7. A lawyer and a doctor walk into a bar The doctor takes a look around and says, Wait, I'm at the wrong board exam!
  8. A new lawyer walks into a diner. Where's the bar? she asks. A waiter responds, You passed it before you got here.
  9. A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
  10. A doctor, an Englishman, a lawyer, an Irishman, a priest, a Scotsman, a cop, a midget, a fireman and a blonde walk into a bar.... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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Lawyer Bar One Liners

Which lawyer bar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawyer bar? I can suggest the ones about lawyer doctor and defense lawyer.

  1. Why are there no irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
  2. Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.
  3. A lawyer, comedian, and a soldier walk into a bar Zelensky is his name
  4. Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the bar.
  5. My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer. But he could never pass the bar.
  6. What's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in Ireland? Passing the bar.
  7. Why do Irishmen make horrible lawyers? They can never pass the bar.
  8. Why couldn't the drunk make it as a lawyer? He couldn't pass the bar.
  9. Why is it difficult for alcoholics to become lawyers? It's hard for them to pass the bar.
  10. Why aren't there a lot of Irish lawyers? Because they have trouble passing the bar.
  11. Why are failed lawyers usually alcoholics? They couldn't pass the bar
  12. What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do? Pass the bar
  13. Four lawyers walk into a bar Two pass and two have to try again next year.
  14. What does a penguin lawyer order at a bar? Just ice
  15. Why didn't the lawyer get drunk? >!Because he passed the bar.!<

Lawyer Bar Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lawyer bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean law school jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lawyer bar pranks.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars.”
To which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.
"Listen honey," she says, "For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want."
The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, "Paint my house."

It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? 
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.

I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

New Young Lawyer

A young lawyer passes the Bar Exam & decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

So there are three prisoners

who have all been sentenced to twenty years behind bars. They are all allowed to have a few items in their cell. The first prisoner asks for a pile of law books, the second for his wife, and the third for three thousand cigarettes. When they are released the first prisoner walks out happy and says, "Thank god for those books. I can now finally fulfill my dream of being a lawyer. The second walks out and says, "Thank god for my wife. I now have four children and I am now going to settle down and have a nice family life. Then the third walks out and says, "Anyone got a match?"

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are a**....'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an a**...!'

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Need a punchline

Two one eyed lawyers walk into a bar...

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

The f**...

One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"

I didn't become a lawyer because I couldn't pass the bar

or any bar for that matter, without stopping in. I ended up too drunk to take that exam.

Two lawyers are sitting in a bar...

... When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?" and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what?"

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"
"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."
In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."
And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

Man walks into a tavern.

Man walks into a tavern and passed the bar. Bartender turns to him and says, "You can't be back here." Man says, "It's OK. I'm a lawyer now."

what's the difference between an Irishman and a lawyer?

an Irishman would never pass the bar

Why is it so hard to find an alcoholic lawyer?

None of them can pass the Bar.

What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him?

He got him diss barred.

Screw anyone

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A lawyer takes the bar

Why didn't Mike go drinking when he became a lawyer?

Because he passed the bar.

Thought my friend was an alcoholic because he wouldn't shut up about the bar

turns out he was studying to be a lawyer

An Asian walks into a bar...

Comes out a lawyer.

Did you hear about the lawyer who ate gold?

He passed the bar

How do you become a snack lawyer?

By passing the bar exam.

So a guy walks into a bar...

3 weeks later, he's a lawyer!

Two law students walked into a bar...

Two lawyers walked out

New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

What's the similarity between a lawyer and an escaped prisoner?

They both had to pass the bar

A Lawyer walks into a bar

Well, technically, he wasn't a lawyer yet...

Walks into a Bar

Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."

Two men walk into a bar. . .

They both come out as lawyers.

A scientist and a h**... walk into a bar...

But find that they can't open the door due to an over-saturation of priests, rabbis, lawyers, and Irishmen inside.

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

so a law school student walks into a bar-

-exam and walks out a lawyer! good job I'm so proud of him.

A lawyer walks into a bar.

Says "Hey can I get two beers. One for me one for my colleague who is right behind me. He must have gotten lost."
A minute later the other lawyer walks in and says "Sorry, I passed the bar!"

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi

What professional hates going to the bar?

A lawyer

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having s**...?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

What do you call a coffee making lawyer, who works all year other than the April holidays?

A Barista barrister bar Easter

2 lawyers, a judge, and a witness all walked into a bar

What idiot designed it into the center of the courthouse floor anyway?

A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a p**..., the pope, a pirate and george bush walk into a bar...

The bartender says:
Is this a joke?

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

The President's son, son-in-law, campaign manager, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar…

finish that one for me, will ya

A Russian lawyer, an ex spy and the presidents son walk into a bar...

... and talk about adoption.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Ya hear about the alcoholic lawyer?

Me neither, as they're always passing the bar.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_
The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_
The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm...

...and asks, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure we do," replied the bartender.
"Good," says the man. "I'll have a beer, and give me a lawyer for my alligator."

Why did the lawyer get kicked out of the bar?

She kept trying to get past the bar

What does someone need to do in order to become a south-of-the-border lawyer?

Pass the taco bar.

What do you call a woman of the cloth who becomes a lawyer?

Bar Nun

Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.
He says, "I'm sorry but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."
Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.
He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

A lawyer walks into a bar

But he didn't have a law degree, so he was disbarred

A law student walks into the bar

They fail and now has to wait until the next bar to become a lawyer.

A CEO, a priest, and two lawyers are at a bar.

The older lawyer is mentoring the younger one. A guy on the left asks for a flaming shot, but the bartender trips, and lights the bar on fire. Everyone is running away, when a wooden bar collapses on them.
When everyone comes too, the CEO, the priest, and the older lawyer are all trapped under rubble.
The young lawyer says "I only have time to save one of you, so let's have a bidding war."
The CEO calculates the lowest safe bet and says "Ten Million!"
The Priest says "God will not forget this!"
The older lawyer cries, wipes his face, and says "I have never been so proud in my life!"

Why are Lawyers so good at rapping?

It's because they have Bars.

Two aspiring lawyers walk into the Bar

It was due to nepotism in the legal profession.

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss and two Russian oligarchs walk into a bar. The bartender says...

"You guys must be here to talk about adoption."

Why did the lawyer back up?

Because he passed the bar

So a lawyer walked into a bar

Everybody laughed it was great

A doctor, a lawyer, and a Marine go into a bar

And they fall asleep

I can't become a lawyer

It seems I can never pass the Bar

Three aspiring lawyers walk into a bar.

Just kidding, they passed it.

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

A lawyer, a teacher, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar

The lawyer leaves early because she wants to be home in time to tuck her five-year-old in.
The teacher leaves a little later to make sure his teenage son gets home at a reasonable hour.
The anti-vaxxer stays and has several more rounds because... well.