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Lawyer And Engineer Jokes

39 lawyer and engineer jokes and hilarious lawyer and engineer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawyer and engineer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Lawyer And Engineer Short Jokes

Short lawyer and engineer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawyer and engineer humour may include short engineer and lawyer jokes also.

  1. Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5
    Ask an engineer and he'll say 4
    Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"
  2. Why do engineering students call themselves engineers? You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.

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Lawyer And Engineer One Liners

Which lawyer and engineer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawyer and engineer? I can suggest the ones about doctor and lawyer and engineer and doctor.

  1. Job choices for Asians 1. Doctor
    2. Lawyer
    3. Engineer
    4. Shame of family

Laughable Lawyer And Engineer Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about lawyer and engineer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lawyer doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lawyer and engineer pranks.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.


Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a v**....”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get s**...!”

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.


The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"
The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.
With little thought he replied, "4.0"
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.
The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."

A business man was interviewing applicants

...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."

Surgery..

Surgery;
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.
They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.
They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.
Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."

Engineers and Lawyers on a Train

Three lawyers buy their tickets for the train. They notice three engineers also buying tickets, or rather, just one ticket. Curious, the lawyers follow the engineers on to the train and sit just behind them.
During the trip the conductor comes along, "tickets please... tickets please." At this point the engineers all get up, walk to the back of the car and all pile in to one bathroom. The conductor checks the lawyers tickets and continues to the back. When he reaches the bathroom he knocks, "tickets please." The door opens a crack and one hand presents the ticket.
Inspired by this craftiness the lawyers agree to use this method on the return trip a few days later. In the train station they see the same engineers also getting ready to return on the same train. The lawyers buy one ticket and the engineers buy... none! Perplexed, the lawyers once again follow the engineers onto the train. Once again the conductor starts checking tickets. The engineers get up and crowd in to one bathroom then the lawyers get up and crowd in to the other bathroom opposite the first.
At this point one engineer emerges from his bathroom, crosses the aisle, knocks on the lawyers door and says in his most official voice, "tickets please."

Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
"Wait and watch" answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

A doctor, lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.
"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.
"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

A French Execution

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution.
The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine.
The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck.
The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released.
Next up is the lawyer, placed face-down on the guillotine ready to die.
Again the machine fails two feet from his neck.
"According to your laws, since you failed to execute me, I must be let go", and he is.
Finally the engineer is set to be killed, and placed upon the instrument he is to die upon.
As the blade falls, it stops short once again failing it's only task.
As the engineer looks from his prone position, he examines the failed machine.
"I can totally fix that for you."

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.
After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

John dies and he meets Saint Peter.

Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven."
They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks:
John: "What's the deal with all these watches?"
Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..."
John: "What about this empty spot?"
Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch."
John: "What happened to it?"
Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."

3 Men Awaiting Execution

The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on.
Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released.
Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads over there to complete the circu..." and swiftly thereafter he was executed.

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"
The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."
The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."
Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal?". The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "what do you want it to equal?"

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

A school teacher with her class, a lawyer and priest were on a plane.

The pilot announces that they have lost power in the engine and that they will have to use parachutes to jump from the plane.
The teacher says "let the kids go first!"
The lawyer says "screw the kids!"
The priest asks "do we have time!?"

I don't get why engineering students call themselves engineers when they aren't yet

I mean people in med schooling don't call themselves doctors,
law students don't call themselves lawyers,
and art students don't call themselves broke

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into

Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.
Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.

Three gentlemen were discussing about the oldest job in the world...

A doctor, an electrical engineer and a lawyer were talking about who had the most ancient profession.
The doctor said: "Well, god was the first doctor, for he created life itself, so my profession is the oldest!"
The electrical engineer replied: "But wait, before that, God said 'may there be light!' so he clearly was an electrical engineer! Because, before that, there was only chaos!"
"And who the h**... you think created chaos!?" Replied the lawyer.

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a h**..., the worlds oldest profession says one. The Doctor among them said No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam's rib. That's the work of a surgeon
Ahhhh says the second friend, but first God moulded Adam from the dust of the earth. That's the job of an artist.
Hmmm, can't disagree with that, but before God got on to making mankind, he created order out of chaos. That is clearly the job of an engineer.
But where do you think the chaos came from said the fourth friend, a lawyer.

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"
The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
The mathematician start writing formulas and within half an hour he announces he can prove that there is a solution.
The lawyer takes the journalist to the side and whispers, how much do you want it to be?

An engineer on trial.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.
Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers
Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors
Law students shouldn't call themselves lawyers
Business school students shouldn't call themselves minions
And Art students certainly shouldn't call themselves baristas or waiters...

jokes about lawyer and engineer