Lawn Jokes

136 lawn jokes and hilarious lawn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lawn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Who says lawns can't be fun? Discover hilarious jokes about mowing the lawn, bad lawns, lawn bowls, and more! Be sure to check out this collection of witty jokes related to the turf. Whether you're a avid gardener or someone who just enjoys a good laugh, these jokes are sure to make you mow the lawn with a smile.

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Funniest Lawn Short Jokes

Short lawn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lawn humour may include short garden jokes also.

  1. Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
  2. When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn. 2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
  3. Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?... ... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
  4. I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
  5. Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns? They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.
  6. I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?
  7. When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.
  8. I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn I asked him: "Is everything OK"?
    He replied: "I'm just going through a rough patch".
  9. What is a better name for cows? Lawn mooers!
    My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
  10. Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?
    Paint an endzone on it.

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Lawn One Liners

Which lawn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lawn? I can suggest the ones about mower and mowing.

  1. 1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!" 2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"
  2. I have a chicken proof lawn… It's impeccable…
  3. My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava, but I'm on the fence.
  4. I've chicken proofed my lawn It's impeccable
  5. I need Jesus in my life This lawn aint gonna cut itself
  6. What will Tesla name their lawnmower? **E-Lawn**
  7. Where do all the New York City landscapers live? Lawn Guy Land
  8. How many Mexicans does it take to mow the lawn? Only Juan.
  9. It took a week to cut my lawn... It was a slow-mo
  10. Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn-distanced relationship
  11. Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn He just wasn't cutting it
  12. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
  13. I told my wife that I think our lawn is in trouble. It appears to always be grounded.
  14. The band static X just designed a lawn mower Yeah... you push it.
  15. What do you call an Irish guy who sells lawn chairs? Patty O'Furniture

Mowing The Lawn Jokes

Here is a list of funny mowing the lawn jokes and even better mowing the lawn puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn
  • I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap... ... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?
  • I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff. My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
  • I recently realised I'm gender fluid… When it's time to cook dinner I identify as a man.
    And when it's time to mow the lawn I identify as a woman.
  • I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water... Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?
  • What did SpaceX's grass smell like after the drones finished mowing it? It had an E-Lawn Musk
  • You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ? I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.
  • To save on mowing, get an emo lawn, It cuts itself.
  • This just popped in my head... What's a mexican's favorite Disney movie?
    Mow lawn.
  • I was mowing my lawn and I found a shallow unmarked grave and I can't stop laughing I don't know why I just found this humerus

Lawn Mowing Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawn mowing jokes and even better lawn mowing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is the sky blue? Son: Dad..Why is the sky blue?
    Dad: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing the lawn.
  • As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face: I'm having a s**....
  • Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
  • Have you found Jesus? Cause I haven't seen him and my lawn really needs a mow.
  • There were five distinctive wet little thuds against the garden fence.... That told me mowing the lawn in my flip flops may not have been a great idea.
  • You need Jesus in your life... that lawn won't mow by itself
  • I need 6 to 8 vegans... mow my lawn. Plenty of food here, just bring your own drinks please.
  • I saw a black man carrying a TV... so I was worried that mine had been stolen, but when I got home I found it was still mowing the lawn.
  • The sign said The sign said, "Call Jesus for help."
    The next day I had a Mexican guy mowing my lawn.
  • Mowing the Lawn I was planning to mow the lawn the other day but instead decided to but a keg of beer. I poured it on the lawn and after 30 minutes it was half cut!
Lawn joke, Mowing the Lawn

Lawn Mower Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawn mower jokes and even better lawn mower puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out... He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"
    I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."
  • I put an old lawn mower out on the street, with a FREE sign next to it. Somebody came and took the sign, but left the mower.
    Guess I should have been more specific…
  • I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today... Guess I need to bury him deeper.
  • I bought a new lawn mower for my landscaping company Mine just wasn't cutting it.
    I'm sorry
  • What do you get when you cross a grizzly bear with a lawn mower? Killed.
  • Tesla have just announced their new lawn mower E Lawn
  • Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time Given that they don't leave my yard
  • What do you call a lawn mower that operates on its own? Cutting-hedge technology
  • What did the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the lawn mower? It won't be long now.
  • What's grey and red and goes 100mph? A baby bunny being discharged from my lawn mower.

Bad Lawn Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad lawn jokes and even better bad lawn puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now. I just started talking to her and I gotta say...
    Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad.
  • My garden is so bad The Clash wrote a song about it. *I fought the lawn and,*
    *the lawn won.*

Lawn Bowls Jokes

Here is a list of funny lawn bowls jokes and even better lawn bowls puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Me: It sure is muggy outside. My wife: I swear to God, if I look outside and see all of our mugs on the lawn I'm divorcing you.
    Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*
Lawn joke, Me: It sure is muggy outside.

Lawn Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about lawn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lawn pranks.

Mowing the grass.

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn?

Patti O'Furniture

Manual labour

My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains

Why did the frog jump under the lawn mower?

He wanted to kermit s**....

Boat for sale

Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."

A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have s**... until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."

I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest...

......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!

A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.

His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a d**....
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Two r**... were sitting on a porch.
A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, "man, I sure wish I could do that"
The other r**... says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..that dog will bite you"

Married for money...

Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn n**...?
Wife: That I married you for your money!

Hardware store

So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

What's Irish and sits on your lawn?

p**... o' furniture

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

I called the cops about a m**... on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

An American, German and Russian go swimming

An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says
"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"
The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"
The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.

Why did the kid only water half the lawn?

Because there was a 50% chance of rain

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

I wish my lawn was emo

so it would cut itself.

Why wouldn't the p**... water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year.

He was really easy to get a lawn with.

I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with m**...?

He wanted the high ground.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," the man said, emerging from the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably" came the reply from the other room "that I married you for your money."

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.

The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.

Turns out he's just looking for his dog.

Smart Potion

A kid is on his lawn, playing with mud. A man walks up to him and asks, What are you doing? The kid says, Making a smart potion. Would you like some? So the man says, Sure. I'll try some. So the kid gives the man a bit of the mud in a cup to drink. When the man drank it, he yelled, Blech! This is mud! So the kid says, See, getting smarter already.

How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.

Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...

...with a b**... hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."

My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, just dew it.

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."

Why do midgets laugh when running across the lawn?

The grass tickles their b**....

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

I said to my wife, 'it's really muggy outside today."

She looked at me and replied, 'if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I'm leaving you!"
\*\*Me: Smugly continued sipping coffee from a bowl

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟We just can't seem to communicate.

Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.

What's Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick's Day party?

Patty O'furniture

"It's really hot outside," a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

"What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn n**...?" he asks jokingly.
The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, "They'll probably think I married you for the money."

Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little s**.... She sighs and tells him to go ahead.
With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:
"My dad and I saw our neighbour cutting his lawn with a pair of nail scissors, my dad said "Its going to take that contagious to do that"

Boom boom.

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"
He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"
I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal
He stopped and said "well, my sister, she hasn't eaten in 3 days either"
I thought for a second and went, "hmm I don't know, I don't really have a very big lawn"

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as b**..., there was a d**... bus on my lawn and I don't know what the h**... is going on

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.
A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."

A drunk is passed out in a local park, face down in the freshly cut grass. He finally comes to, staggers to the bar accross the street and goes in.

The bartender looks up and says, "Why the lawn face?"

Dear Charlie, We've been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.
And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.
I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.
Cordially, Harry

A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.
The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.
Naturally the police find him pretty easily.
When he gets to court though his case is thrown out by the judge.
When asked why he let a serial killer go, the judge replies: "If we arrested everyone for bad facebook posts, half the country would be in jail!".

Hall pass

My wife is really not too bright. We have this system where we have what's called a "hall pass" where you get to have s**... with any two people in the whole world, as long as your spouse agrees to it.
Now, I picked Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. But my wife, she picked the Mexican guy that mows our lawn and his brother! Out of all the people in the world.

I'm p**.... The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.


A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his s**... life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about s**... at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....

Lawn joke, Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

jokes about lawn