Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"
He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU BITCH.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The urine belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
He wanted the high ground.
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
He brought his dog with him.
Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.
but I'm on the fence.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
He couldn't trust his hose.
... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
This lawn aint gonna cut itself
when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!
Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
Lawn Guy Land
Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure' guy? And what is he running for?
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
They both come in hot and wet and **TAKE THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER, SARAH YOU BITCH!**
Only Juan.
It was a slow-mo
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
...so he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.
Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"
Hillbilly: "Yea I do."
P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".
H: "Well I'll be..."
P: "I can also guess that you have a house to go with that lawn?"
H: "Yes I do!"
P: "And it may be true that you're also married with children?"
H: "Damn you're good..."
P: "And lastly, from you being married, I can deduce that you are a heterosexual ."
H: "Wow. I've never been so excited to come back to a class. Thank you professor! I'll see you tomorrow!"
Later that night, the hillbilly is drinking with his buddy, and the buddy asks, "So whaddaya learnin in that fancy college class?".
H: "Do you own a lawn mower?"
Buddy: "Nope, I borrow yours."
H: "Faggot."
So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.
The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"
The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."
The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"
The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"
And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11
An old man, sitting on his porch one nice day, sees a chubby little boy walk down the street to the store. On the way back the boy is carrying six chocolate bars, and proceeds to sit down not far from the old man's lawn, peel open the chocolate bar wrappers one by one and eat the candy inside. When the boy is on his fourth chocolate bar the old man can't contain himself any longer.
Marching over to the boy he says, "Son, you just can't eat like that. You're going to get fat, you're going to be unhealthy, you're going to die too young!"
The boy looks up at him and says, "Well, my Grandfather lived to be 96 years old."
The old man says, "Yes, and did he eat six candy bars at a time?"
And the boy replied "No, he minded his own fucking business."
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."
A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder and asked the old guy. The old guy replied, "Can you please spare me some money?" The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me." He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."
One day a preacher was out watering his lawn when he spied a young boy from his church running down the road with a bottle in his hand. He stopped him and asked, What you got there, son?
The boy replied Turpentine preacher! It's the most powerful liquid in the world!
The preacher said Now listen, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. You can rub holy water on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a child.
The boy laughed and said Shoot that ain't nothing! You rub some of this turpentine on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!
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