The Best 59 Lawn Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lawn jokes. There are some lawn hedge jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lawn mower puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lawn Jokes and Puns
Mowing the grass.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...
... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Manual labour
My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains
Why did the frog jump under the lawn mower?
He wanted to Kermit suicide.
How many Mexicans does it take to mow the lawn?
Only Juan.
Boat for sale
Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower." Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."
Why do ladies marry men?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Football joke
How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?
Paint an endzone on it.
You can explore lawn gardener reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lawn fertilize dad jokes. There are also lawn puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.
His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
Married for money...
Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?
Wife: That I married you for your money!
Why do women get married?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Hardware store
So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
I need Jesus in my life
This lawn aint gonna cut itself
What's Irish and sits on your lawn?
paddy o' furniture
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The urine belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
What is a better name for cows?
Lawn mooers!
My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
Why did the kid only water half the lawn?
Because there was a 50% chance of rain
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
I wish my lawn was emo
so it would cut itself.
I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...
... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?
Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?
He couldn't trust his hose.
I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year.
He was really easy to get a lawn with.
I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.
My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning
This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .
Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?
He wanted the high ground.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," the man said, emerging from the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably" came the reply from the other room "that I married you for your money."
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.
1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!"
2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"
I ran over ny neighbors foot with a lawn mower today...
Guess I need to bury him deeper.
Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out...
He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"
I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."
The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.
Turns out he's just looking for his dog.
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,
but I'm on the fence.
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.
I said, just dew it.
It took a week to cut my lawn...
It was a slow-mo
When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.
2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
Where do all the New York City landscapers live?
Lawn Guy Land
Obama was running with a secret service member...
And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11
When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.
Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
Why do midgets laugh when running across the lawn?
The grass tickles their balls.
Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...
The plot thickens...
My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill
I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
I walked into the lawn and saw my father digging a deep hole
There was still water at the base of the hole.
What the hell is that dad?
Well, son
Yes dad?
I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....
Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?
I said to my wife, 'it's really muggy outside today."
She looked at me and replied, 'if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I'm leaving you!"
\*\*Me: Smugly continued sipping coffee from a bowl
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."
‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.
Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn
He just wasn't cutting it
My mouth waters when I smell a steak being grilled
Does a vegan's mouth water when the lawn is being cut?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lawn grass jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lawn mow piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.