Law Firm Jokes

37 law firm jokes and hilarious law firm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about law firm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Law Firm Short Jokes

Short law firm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The law firm humour may include short lawyer jokes also.

  1. Allegedly John Adams In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
  2. Useless People One useless person is useless.
    Two useless people are a law firm.
    Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
  3. My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers, Open a law firm with my husbands mom, and call it Mother and daughter in law
  4. A Man Walks Into A Bar. Ten years of hard work and savvy networking later, he runs a highly successful law firm.
  5. Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm? Because he forgot to read the contract claws.

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Law Firm One Liners

Which law firm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with law firm? I can suggest the ones about law school and lawyer bar.

  1. Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm... *
  2. What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm? Organised crime.
  3. What do you call it when one law firm sues another law firm? A bar fight.
  4. Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm. Locke Ness Monster.
  5. My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts. Barley Legal
  6. I'm going to start a law firm and only hire nuns... I'll call it Sisters in law.
  7. A guy walks into a Bar. A few years of experience later, he opens his own Law Firm.
  8. What do you call a spy's law firm? James' Bail Bonds.
  9. My company has signed a contract with a new law firm. Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

Comical & Quirky Law Firm Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about law firm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lawyer doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make law firm pranks.

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

A dying lawyer

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

Darkened Room

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

The phone rings at a local law firm...

"Good morning, Krantz Krantz Krantz & Krantz LLP."
"Is Mr. Krantz available?"
"No, I'm afraid he's in a meeting with a client at the moment."
"And what about Mr. Krantz?"
"He's away in Washington for the week."
"Then, is Mr. Krantz in?"
"Ye- err, wait, it's Tuesday. He's not in until the afternoon on Tuesdays."
"Well! At the very least, could I speak with Mr. Krantz?!"

Two eagles walk into a law firm looking for a job

The hiring manager asks, "So why should I hire you two?"
And the eagles say, "Well, we've been eagles since the day we hatched from our eggs. You're never going to find a para-eagles better than us!"

a Russian man goes to a job interview

A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"

So a man seeking legal advice steps into a small law firm's office...

...and says to the man sitting at his desk, "Excuse me sir, are you a lawyer?" "Yes I am," says the lawyer.
"What is your fee?" the man responds.
"$25,000 for every four questions" the lawyer answers
"Isn't that terribly expensive?" the man asks, shocked
"Yes. What's your fourth question?" says the lawyer.

A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.

They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.
All in all, it was a classic case of abort, retry, fail.

Do you know who you're talking to?

John starts his first day at a law firm.
In his office, he grabs the phone,
John: Get me some coffee, quick!
Voice: Sorry, you've connected to a wrong line by mistake, do you know who you are speaking to?
John: No?
Voice: I am the Director of this law firm..
John: *Ponders for awhile* Do you know who you're talking to?
Director: No?
John: You don't? Excellent *hangs up*

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

A blonde went to a ventriloquist show....

And the ventriloquist kept making blonde jokes. As the evening progressed the blonde got madder and madder until she couldn't take it any more.
She stood up and yelled at the ventriloquist.
Listen, I am sick and tired of the blonde jokes. I am an attorney in a successful law firm. I have had arguments in the top courts and am a well regarded member of the society.
The ventriloquist felt bad and began to apologize but before he could the blonde interrupted him.
Saying, Hey! You stay out of this. This is between me and the guy on your knee!

The Stuck Peanut

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they're
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man's nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out.
Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, "Our Mary's got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.
I'll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he'll be
our son-in-law, came the reply.

Lawyer Joke

The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to hear the same voice ask, "can I speak to Mr. Smith? ". Confused, she again replies, "I'm sorry but Mr. Smith passed away last night. The caller hangs up, but moments later calls back and asks to speak to Mr. Smith. "Look, "the receptionist says in frustration, "I've tool you twice already Mr. Smith is dead!" "I know," the caller says cheerfully, "but I just so enjoy hearing it!"

A guy is looking for a lawyer... he calls a law firm called Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
"Hello, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, how can I help you?"
"I'd like to speak to Mr. Schwartz, please."
"Sorry, he's with a client."
"Alright, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's on a criminal case, he'll be away for three weeks."
"Okay, can I speak to Mr. Schwartz, then?"
"He's not here, he retired last month."
"Fine, then just let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."