laughs Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious laughs puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when i do, he laughs

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I don't always tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"

Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

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Whenever I tell dad jokes,

he laughs.

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Little Johnny's parents decided to have sex.

So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Johnny says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Johnny says " I didn't see any red cars but i found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says " haha well did they leave the curtains open?", Johnny spits out, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting cars"

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Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

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The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"
Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"

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James Bond is at a bar chatting it up with a beautiful young woman...

The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing panties."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Sometimes I tell dad jokes,

Sometimes he laughs

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Lie Detector

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?" the father asks.
"I was at the library." Robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie, Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son.
"OK it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!!!"
Robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mother.

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Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

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I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

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A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar...

...and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jackass. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."

Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."

The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

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If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

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An Italian Girl

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks:

"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

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Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning

to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the

little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you

yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Semper Fi, Motherf*****

A Taliban division is patrolling the desert when, over a nearby dune, they hear a voice call out "One Marine is worth 10 Taliban." The Taliban commander sends 10 of his men over the dune, and a gun battle ensues, then silence.

Then the voice laughs and says "One marine is tougher than 100 Taliban." Angered, the commander sends 100 of his troops over the dune. A fierce gun battle breaks out, then silence.

Then the voice once again calls out: "The Taliban are wimps. One Marine can smash 1000 of you cowards!" Enraged, the commander sends 1000 of his best men over the dune. Bullets are flying everywhere, grenades exploding left and right, and then silence again.

Then, through the smoke, one badly wounded Taliban soldier crawls back over the dune. He looks at his commander and says "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are actually TWO of them!"

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do he laughs

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A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

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two guys are at work and one says to the other

i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say 'could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,' but ended up saying 'could i please have two pickets to tittsburg' and the other guy laughs and says yeah i did something like that the other day – my wife and i were eating breakfast and i meant to say 'honey could you please pass the butter,' but what i ended up saying was 'you ruined my life you fucking bitch'

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In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

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What's the difference between your dick and a joke?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.

Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.

2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.

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Whenever I tell dad jokes

he laughs.

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I don't always tell dad jokes...

...but when I do, he laughs.

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Two men were walking home after a party

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

To which the old man replied: "Those fools! They misspelled my name!"

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A Life Guard is walking along a beach

A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

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Blonde goes to the gynecologist

A blonde goes into the gynecologist. When he asks her what the problem is she replies, "Something is extremely wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!"

He takes a look and laughs, "Dear, those aren't stamps. Those are stickers from the bananas.

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Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".

The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".

The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

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A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar

He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"

The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"

"How you know my name!"

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A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor.

The man didn't realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.

A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.

A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.

The second man turns to him, laughs and says Haha I just did that!

Third man smacks him in the face and says YOU DIRTY FUCKER!

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A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"

Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

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John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

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A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

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3 Women are at a bar. (Mildly nsfw)

and they are all bragging about the sizes of their vaginas. The first one says, "My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole fist in it!" The second says, "Ha, is that all? My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole foot in it!". The third one just laughs and slides down the stool.

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A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

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Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....

Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

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Every time I tell dad jokes

He laughs

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An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Man walk into a bar

The Hobbit laughs at them and walks under it.

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Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

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A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.

The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

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The ventriloquist...

...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.

Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!"

"I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense."

"You stay out of this, buddy," said the blonde. "I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Hitler?"

To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am Hitler."

The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am Hitler. The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low."

The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks Hitler, "If it's true, and you're Hitler, then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!"

"Well yes," says Hitler, "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway."

They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before Hitler finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too."

Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?"

Then Hitler points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"

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My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

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An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

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Wanna Race?

A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid on a tricycle starts riding around him.
"Wanna race?" asks the kid.
"No thanks," laughs the guy and drives off.
When he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. "Wow!" the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes to a stop next to the car.
The man opens the door to find the kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, "Thanks for stopping mister. My suspenders got caught in your door."

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What's the difference between my penis and a joke?

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

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An Englishwoman who marries a Frenchman goes to live in his Paris apartment

One day she goes out to buy groceries, but since she doesn't speak French and the butchers don't speak English, she rolls up her dress to indicate she wants some chicken thigh, which gets the message across.

The next week, she goes out and pulls down her top to indicate she wants chicken breasts, which again gets the message across albeit with a few laughs from the staff.

The week after that, when she wanted to buy sausages she brought her husband along to the butcher's, because he could speak French.

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I don't often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

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What's the difference between my penis and my jokes?

Nobody laughs at my jokes. πŸ™

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My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

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A (Smart) Blonde Offers Collateral For A Loan...

A blonde woman walks into a Manhattan bank and says she'd like to take out a $5,000 loan since she will be vacationing to Europe. When the banker asks what she will be using as collateral, she points to her brand new Bentley. The banker is surprised, but agrees. She leaves, and he laughs; who uses such an expensive car as collateral for such a small loan? But he shrugs it off and parks the car in the banks garage. Three weeks later, the woman returns to the bank. He retrieves her car and she pays back the $5,000 plus $14.00 in interest. As she goes to leave, the man decides he has to ask. "Ma'am," he says, "why in the world would you use a $100,000 as collateral for a $5,000 loan?" She smiles and replies "where else can I park for three weeks in Manhattan for $14?"

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I don't tell dad jokes often

but when I do he usually laughs.

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How old am I

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?"
The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?"
The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55"
Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am"
The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob"
The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55"
"How can you do that?" asks the Woman
Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

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A rich man and a poor man are talking on Christmas Eve

The rich man tell the poor man

"I got my wife a brand new Mercedes Benz and a set of diamond earring this year."

And the poor man asks "why did you get her these things?"

The rich man says "because If she doesn't like the earrings, she can drive the Mercedes to the jeweler to return them and still be happy".

The rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife this year.

The poor man says "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man laughs and asks why he got her these things.

The poor man says "cause if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

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Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

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A blonde goes to heaven.

A blonde dies and goes to heaven. There she is met by an Angel and behind the Angel are 100 steps. She is told that each step there will be another Angel who will tell her a funny joke and if she makes it to the end of the 100 steps without laughing she gets into heaven, but if she laughs she starts the 100 steps again.

So the blonde goes on the first step, the Angel tells the joke, she doesn't laugh. Same with the second step, she doesn't laugh. She makes it past all the steps without laughing.

Once in heaven, she starts laughing, God asks her "Why are you laughing" and she says "I just got the first joke". :3

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What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...

SEX - F

He laughs...

Mom : Whats so funny ?

Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.

You Failed in it!!

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!"

So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head.

The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain.

The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"

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A cheap parrot

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.

She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied

"It used to live in a whore house."

So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says

"WOW, a new whore house!"

Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says

"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"

They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says

"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"

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Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"

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A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

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One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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A Young Russian is sent to a Siberian Work Camp

A Guard looks at him and asks "How long is your sentence?"

The young man says, "Ten years"

The guard whistles and replies, "What did you do?"

"Nothing" says the young man.

The guard laughs and says "That's a lie. For doing nothing you only get 8 years"

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I have a girlfriend

Not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.

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A wise man once said...

"If you make a woman laugh, you've half-undressed her."

However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that's a different thing altogether.

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A couple is watching Dr. Phil and he begins to talk about mixed emotions.

The man laughs and says "I can't have mixed emotions. Either I'm happy or sad. There is no middle ground. And I don't believe anyone can be."
After a lengthy debate, and the woman not making any head way with him, she sighs and says, "OK, I can prove it."
He laughs more and says "there is nothing you can say to me,that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The woman replies, "of all your friends... your dick is the biggest."

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Three women have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven...

A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven. At every step, God tells them a joke, and if they laugh, they go to hell.

The ginger goes first, gets to the 156th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.

The brunette goes second, gets to the 548th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.

The blonde goes last, gets to the 1000th step, and laughs. God asked her why she laughed at the last step, and she said "I finally got the first joke."

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3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven, but God awaits them with a challenge

They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, "I finally understood the 1st joke!"

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My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words

Allahu Akbar.

[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]

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This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."

Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.

Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"

The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."

So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.

While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."

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An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

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A bIack man walks into a bar...

and his cell mate laughs his ass off.

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A man goes to prison

On his first night, he's pretty nervous. Somebody shouts out "34" and everybody else laughs. He thinks this is weird, but then 5 minutes later, somebody else shouts "23" and everybody else laughs. Then after another 10 minutes, a third prisoner shouts "16" and everybody laughs. His cellmate sees his confusion and tells him "Well, we've been in prison so long telling the same jokes over and over that we decided to just give them numbers. 34 is the one about the nun, the priest, and the antelope. 23 is the one about the Chinaman and the red pot, and 16 is the one about the old cowboy who couldn't piss."

Satisfied, the prisoner goes to rest. 5 minutes later, he hears another prisoner shout "12." This time nobody laughs, so the prisoner looks to his cellmate, who just looks disgusted nd mutters "Bobby never could tell a joke..."

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A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

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Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No!" He laughs. "I thought you meant lie to your wife!"

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Guy walk up to the bartender...

He takes a shot glass and slams it on the bar and says to the bartender. "I bet you 200 bucks I can stand 10 feet away, piss into that shot glass and fill it to the top without getting a drop anywhere else in the bar."

The bartender laughs at the man and agrees to the bet, thinking he'll make an easy 200 bucks.

So the man whips it out and starts pissing all over the bar, the seats, the floor. Not a drop gets in the shot glass.

The bartender laughs hysterically. "Oh man! You didn't get a single drop in the glass you idiot! You owe me 200 bucks!"

The man replies "That's fine, I just bet the guys at that table over there 400 bucks that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."

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A Man and An Octopus Walk Into a Bar...

A man an an Octopus walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a beer. A few minutes go by and the bar tender says "I gotta ask, what's the deal with the Octopus?". The man replies "Well, he plays instruments". The bar tender laughs, to which the customer replies, "I bet you a free tab that this guy can play any instrument you have in this bar". The bartender agrees.

First the bartender points to the Piano. The Octopus plays the Piano. The bartender then goes into the back and brings out a Guitar. The Octopus successfully plays the Guitar. Next he brings out a small Drum kit, which the Octopus also plays. The man says "Alright, I win". The bartender shakes his head and goes into the back again. He pulls out a Clarinet, the Octopus manages to squeak out and Ode to Joy but he's not going to win any awards for it. Finally, the bartender pulls out a set of Bagpipes and places it on the bar. The Octopus just stares at them.

The man says, "You mean to tell me you can play the Piano, Guitar, Drums, Clarinet, but you can't play the Bagpipes?". The Octopus replies, "Play it? Hell mister, if I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm going to have sex with it!"

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A man and his wife are having sex...

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

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Three guys are stuck on an island full of cannibals...

The cabinnals capture them unless they each bring back ten fruit.

The first comes back with ten bananas. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the bananas up his ass, and if he laughs or winces he gets eaten. He gets the ten bananas shoved up his ass, but he cries out and is sent to "Cannibal Death Row".

The second guy comes back ten berries. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the berries up his ass and if he laughs or winces, he gets eaten. The man, as the sixth berry comes in, starts laughing.

The man is sent to say goodbye to his friend before they both get eaten. "Dude, why'd you laugh? Yours was easy."

"I couldn't help it, I saw Dave coming back with ten watermelons."

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Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car. He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field. So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit. Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun. The Jew grabs the gun and points it at Hitler "Now *you* eat some cow shit!" And Hitler gets down on all fours and eats cow shit. The Jew laughs so hard that Hitler escapes and runs away.

The Jew makes it home and his wife asks how was his day.

"Not bad," says the Jew, "You won't believe who I had lunch with."

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What's the difference between my dick and my jokes?

My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes

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A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident.

A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident. They all die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, they are met by a man who tells them that there is very little room there. He says that he will tell them 100 jokes, each progressively funnier than the next. Whoever can listen to all of the jokes without laughing gets to go through, the others are sent straight to hell.

The redhead goes first. She laughs at joke 29, and gets sent to hell. Next, the brunette laughs at joke 53 and gets sent to hell. Now, the blonde is up. She gets to joke #99 and starts to crack up. The man says he will let her through, and asks her why she laughed so far into the test. She says, "I just got the first one."

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Medicine is so advanced

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead...

all die and go to heaven. Before they are allowed in God appears to them and says, "As you can see there are 100 steps leading to heaven; at each step you will hear a different joke. If you laugh then you will not be allowed to enter." All three women agree to this and go forth. On the first step God tells them a joke and the red head laughs. "You are not allowed to enter heaven." God says and cast her down to hell. This goes on for a while and at the 32nd step the brunette laughs, she is cast down to hell as well. Again, this continues until the 99th step. God begins to tell the joke. He says two words and the blonde starts cracking up. God asks her, "Why did you laugh before I even finished?" She replies, "I just got the first joke..."

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Donkey joke

Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post

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Three gay guys....

are at a bar and they get drunk. They start arguing about who has the biggest asshole. The first guy takes a baseball bat and shoves it up his ass. The second guy laughs and takes a bar stool and shoves it up there. The third guy just smiles, looks at both of them, and puts a quater in his ass. A jukebox starts to play.

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I don't normally tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

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A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and harder. Finally, St. Peter reaches the last man, who at this point is on the ground crying he's laughing so hard. St. Peter asks him "Well, what is your wish?" to which the man replies, "Make them all ugly again!"

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Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

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The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"

The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

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Dreams.

3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

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A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

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Bill Clinton is on a plane when, suddenly, the engines fail.

Jeffrey Epstein and Bill put on parachutes and head for the door.

The copilot says, "What about the children?"

"Fuck the children," Epstein says.

Bill looks over his shoulder and laughs, then says, "We already did."

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'

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Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

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The Furious Teacher (NSFW)

Teacher: "Why are you giggling?

Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come back for a week!

Another boy laughs...

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"

Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for a month!"

The teacher bends to pick a chalk, and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.

Teacher: "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"

Johnny: "With what I saw, I think my school days are over."

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A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

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Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Israeli doctor...

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 months, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 months he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 months he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. One month ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Whats the difference between your jokes and your penis ?

...No one laughs at your jokes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps someone when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school." The robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" "What DVD?" the dad asked. "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno." cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. The robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "Hahaha! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mom.

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A farmer was working in his field one morning.....

When a young lad walked by along the road carrying a roll of wire over his shoulder.

"What you got there sonny?" asks the farmer.

"Chicken wire." replies the boy.

"what ya gonna do with that chicken wire boy?" the farmer asks.

"Catch me some chickens sir." says the boy.

The farmer laughs at the boy.

Sure enough, however, during the evening, just as the farmer is finishing plowing his fields, he spots the boy in the distance with half a dozen chickens strung over his back.

The next morning, the farmer sees the boy walking by again. This time the boy is carrying a handful of grey objects.

"What ya got there sonny?" asks the farmer.

"Duct tape." replies the boy.

"What ya gonna do with that duct tape boy?" asks the farmer, "Catch your self some ducks?" he laughs.

"Sure am sir." the boy answers.

The farmer laughs again.

Sure enough however, the farmer spots the boy walking by in the evening with a string of ducks over his shoulder. He is amazed.

The next morning the farmer sees the boy again walking by. This time the kid is carrying a bundle of sticks.

"What ya carrying those sticks for sonny?" ask the farmer.

"These ain't just any old sticks sir," replies the boy, "This here is pussy willow."

"You wait right there son." says the farmer, "Let me go grab my hat."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.

What a nice day.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I don't always tell Dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to a $3 hooker

He contracted crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.

The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...

Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,

Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"

Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"

Kellyanne: \*laughs\*

Trump: \*laughs\*

Microwave: \*laughs\*

Trump shoots the Microwave.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between your dick and your jokes?

Nobody laughs at your jokes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

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A

black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog".

Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".

The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

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Mother in law 's test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

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A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened. One incredulous customer says well you're just going to pretend like that wasn't absolutely ridiculous?

Bartender says well sure, but a little monkey business never hurt anyone

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A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.

One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered them and now just tell the numbers instead.

The new guy decides to try it and says the first number that comes to his mind - ...213.
Now the patients are laughing frantically, a few almost fall off their chairs. Finally he asks them: - Why are you laughing so hard?

\- We never heard this one before.

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you immune to falling!"

Derek laughs before blatantly calling him an idiot. In spite to prove his own point, the man buys the drink and quickly climbs up the tall building. He proceeds to jump off, yet slows down to a safe landing at the base of the tower. He runs back into the bar to see Derek staring in astonishment. "That's impossible! I need to try it for myself!"

Derek proceeds to order the drink and then races up to the tower. With a quick breath, he jumps off. As quick as he jumped, he landed with a SPLAT against the hard concrete.

The bartender looks over at the mess, then back at the man.

"You know Superman, you're a real dickhead when you're drunk".

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Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is so racist!

White Guy looks over confused: What? How is "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." racist?

Black Guy: Oh, damn, I thought you meant another quote.

White Guy: ...oh, that one.

Black Guy laughs: "You can have it in any color so long as it's black"!

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I don't always tell Dad jokes

but when I do, he laughs.

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Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!

***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

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An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

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I love telling dad jokes

He laughs every time.

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I don't often tell dad jokes

But when I do he always laughs

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A guy goes to the bar on his 21st birthday.

He says to the bartender, "I just turned twenty-one; give me a shot of bourbon!"
The bartender says, "Congratulations!" and pours him the shot. A prostitute approaches the man and says "You've just turned twenty-one huh? Ever been laid, boy?"
The man replies, "No ma'am. My momma always told me those things have teeth." The prostitute laughs and leads him upstairs to her room. She pulls down her skirt and laughs, "You see any teeth down there boy?" He says, "No ma'am; and with gums like those I can see why!"

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Bar Bet

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 if you slide a glass down the bar, I can whip out my dick, pee in the glass, and not spill a drop."

Bartender says, "No way man, that's impossible. It's a bet"

Bartender slides a glass from the end of the bar. The guy whips out his dick, and pisses all over the bar, hardly getting any in the glass.

"Ha! I told you, that'll be $100 please," the bartender laughs as he starts wiping up the mess.

The guy smiles as he pays the bartender.

"What are you smiling about? I just took you for $100."

"Yes you did, but see that guy over there? I bet him $500 if I pissed all over your bar, you'd laugh and clean it up!"

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A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying.

A passerby stops and asks, What's the matter?

The old man looks up and cries, I'm 93, married to a gorgeous 21year old who wants fucking before breakfast, lunch and tea, and then twice again at night!

The passerby laughs, What's the problem then?

The old guy replies I can't fucking remember where I live!

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So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

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A trucker walks into a whore house...

A trucker walks into a whore house and walks over to speak to madam. The trucker says "I will give you $500 for your nastiest whore and a bologna sandwich." The madam, confused, replies "For $500 you could have our best whore and a steak dinner"...the trucker laughs a little and says "Oh, it's not about the money, ma'am, I just miss my wife."

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Some friends go to a bar...

When they enter they see a small stage with a donkey standing on top of it. One man asks the bar owner:

"Why is there a donkey on your stage?" The Bar owner replies, "I'm willing to give any man $200 to make that donkey laugh"

The man thinks for a second, goes to the stage and whispers into the donkey's ear. Instantly the donkey bursts into laughter, and laughs all night long even after the friends leave.

A week later the friends come back to the bar and the donkey is still laughing uncontrollably. The bar owner runs up and asks:

"Hey buddy, what the hell did you say to that donkey? He is still laughing. I'll tell you what, you can have $200 dollars to make him cry."

The man walks on stage, takes the donkey behind the stage and when he brings the donkey back, the donkey is bawling. Crying like never before. The bar owner gives up $200 and asks: "You've got to tell how you made him laugh." The man says, "Well I told him I have a bigger penis than him." The bar owner replies, "Fair enough, how'd you make him cry?"

The man then says: "I proved it."

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Blonde and the pervert.

Who's really annoyed because a pervert keeps peeping through the keyhole while shes in the bathroom. One day she has a brilliant idea though. So the next day the pervert sees the blonde going to the bathroom, as the pervert approaches the bathroom he notices something odd.... the door isn't there anymore and he can see the blonde completely naked changing her clothes. The blonde laughs at the pervert and says "Can't peep through the keyhole anymore!"

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Three guys crash on an island with cannibals...

Three guys crash on an island with cannibals. The cannibals capture the three men and then tell them to go collect ten pieces of fruit and bring them back. So the three men each go out and collect ten pieces of fruit. The first guy comes back with ten apples. The cannibals say to him, "We lack entertainment here, so if you can stick all ten apples up your ass, without laughing, we will spare your life." So the man starts to stick the apples up his ass. He gets to three apples, and then laughs. So, the cannibals kill him and eat him. The second guy comes back with ten grapes. The cannibals offer him the same thing. So the man starts to stick the grapes up his ass. He gets all the way to eight and then laughs. So, the cannibals kill him and eat him as well. Up in heaven the first two guys meet up. The first guy says to the second one, "You were so close to finishing, what made you laugh?" The second guy replies, "I saw the other guy coming back. He was carrying pineapples."

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The salesman.

A man is walking alone down the street when he is approached by a salesman.

"Hello sir, would you like to buy this mouthwash for $200?"

The man laughs in the salesman's face and keeps walking. The salesman catches up to him and asks again, "ok, sir, how about I give a a better deal. This mouthwash for $100?"

The man says "fuck off" and pushes the salesman away and keeps walking. The salesman stops to think, and runs to catch up with the man again.

"Ok, I see why I may have upset you, and to show that I am sorry I will give you these cookies my wife made for my lunch."

The man takes a bite and says "EW this tastes like SHIT!"

The salesman says "IT IS! You wanna buy some mouthwash?"

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My jokes are like bullets...

If I start firing em off in Public no one laughs and everyone gets away from me, but when I practiced on myself I blew my fucking mind.

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The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American.

Black laughs matter.

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No one laughs at my jokes...

I guess this is how Amy Schumer feels.

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A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you down with lightning for that!"
The carpenter just laughs him off and swings a third time. "**GOD DAMN IT! MISSED AGAIN!**"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the clear blue sky and turns the priest into a puff of smoke. A deep, booming voice comes down from above.
"GOD DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler. He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, Hitler obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.

"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" Hitler answers.

The man's eyes widen.

"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.

Hitler laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

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What are the best Laughs puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Laughs? Well, here are the best jokes about Laughs to have fun with.

Joko Jokes