Laughs Jokes

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

A Life Guard is walking along a beach

A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar

He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"

The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"

"How you know my name!"

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night."

The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

Six year old Kid looking at Mom's ID card...

SEX - F

He laughs...

Mom : Whats so funny ?

Kid : I can't believe you are
so bad in Sex.

You Failed in it!!

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at his father and says, "I also killed a cockroach."

The dad laughs at him and said, "Nice Try!"

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Two elves walk into a bar

The dwarf laughs and walks under it

A Young Russian is sent to a Siberian Work Camp

A Guard looks at him and asks "How long is your sentence?"

The young man says, "Ten years"

The guard whistles and replies, "What did you do?"

"Nothing" says the young man.

The guard laughs and says "That's a lie. For doing nothing you only get 8 years"

I have a girlfriend

Not sure if this is really a joke, but everyone laughs when I say it.

A wise man once said...

"If you make a woman laugh, you've half-undressed her."

However, if you half-undress and she laughs, that's a different thing altogether.

My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words

Allahu Akbar.

[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,

in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

A man and his wife are having sex...

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins .

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks up and says 'see, not so funny when it's your mum is it?'

Donkey joke

Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post

Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"

The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and harder. Finally, St. Peter reaches the last man, who at this point is on the ground crying he's laughing so hard. St. Peter asks him "Well, what is your wish?" to which the man replies, "Make them all ugly again!"

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

Dreams.

3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs

St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."

The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.

The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.

The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.

St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"

The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

The Furious Teacher (NSFW)

Teacher: "Why are you giggling?

Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come back for a week!

Another boy laughs...

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"

Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra."

Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for a month!"

The teacher bends to pick a chalk, and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.

Teacher: "And where do you think YOU'RE going?"

Johnny: "With what I saw, I think my school days are over."

A tourist is travelling down the Rhine

He books himself into an old castle that has been converted into a hotel. Once he enters, he has the creepiest feeling come over him. He asked the lady a reception if they have ghosts in the hotel. She laughs and says, " I have been here for 300 years and never seen one"

Duck tape.

An old man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy comes walking by with several rolls of tape in his arms.

"Now son, whatcha doin' with that tape?" asks the old man.

"Well sir, it's duck tape. I'm going to go catch some ducks." replies the boy.

Old man laughs and watches the boy continue down the road.

Several hours later the boy walks back by the old mans house with tape strung out behind him. Stuck to the tape are several ducks.

"I'll be damned," thinks the old man.

The next day the same boy walks back by the old mans house carrying rolls of wire.

"Hey son, what's with the wire?"

"Well sir, it's chicken wire. Imma catch me some chickens."

Kid continues on and returns several hours later dragging the wire behind him. Stuck in the wire were several chickens.

"Kid is something else," thinks the old man.

Next day kid comes walking up the road carrying a bundle of sticks.

"Hey son, what's with the sticks?"
"Well sir, it's pussywillow..."
Old man interrupts, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

An Israeli doctor...

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 months, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 months he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 months he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. One month ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"

I came back home early today...

... and ask my wife in our bedroom if she's cheating on me.
She laughs.
I laugh.
The wardrobe laughs.

What a nice day.

A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A man goes to a $3 hooker

He contracted crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.

The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...

Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,

Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"

Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"

Kellyanne: \*laughs\*

Trump: \*laughs\*

Microwave: \*laughs\*

Trump shoots the Microwave.

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

A man is sitting on his porch...

when a young boy walks by, holding a roll of duct tape. The man, slightly amused yet curious, asks the boy what he plans on doing with it.

"I take duck tape down to the lake, and I use it to catch ducks", replies the boy. The man laughs it off, but later the boy returns with his arms full of ducks.

The next day, the man is once again sitting on his porch when the boy comes around again, this time with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. "to catch chickens with", the boy tells the man, who is still a little skeptical, and laughs it off. Sure enough, that night he sees the boy carrying an armload of fat chickens.

The third day, the boy is carrying something, so the man asks what it is.

"They're pussywillows. I use it to..."

The man cuts him off. "I'll get my coat!"

A

black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog".

Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".

The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

Mother in law 's test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota corrola parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.

One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered them and now just tell the numbers instead.

The new guy decides to try it and says the first number that comes to his mind - ...213.
Now the patients are laughing frantically, a few almost fall off their chairs. Finally he asks them: - Why are you laughing so hard?

\- We never heard this one before.

I don't often tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Whole joke in title! New era of convenience! In mother Russia, joke laughs at you!

***Bonus***, since you came in here anyway:

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

An aviation enthusiast enters a bar.

He asks, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender laughs and says, "Sorry, we only have plain chips."

A guy goes to the bar on his 21st birthday.

He says to the bartender, "I just turned twenty-one; give me a shot of bourbon!"
The bartender says, "Congratulations!" and pours him the shot. A prostitute approaches the man and says "You've just turned twenty-one huh? Ever been laid, boy?"
The man replies, "No ma'am. My momma always told me those things have teeth." The prostitute laughs and leads him upstairs to her room. She pulls down her skirt and laughs, "You see any teeth down there boy?" He says, "No ma'am; and with gums like those I can see why!"

So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there's a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what's happening...

Lifer says: some people just can't tell jokes

I mean no offence to anyone in this post btw

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

Blonde and the pervert.

Who's really annoyed because a pervert keeps peeping through the keyhole while shes in the bathroom. One day she has a brilliant idea though. So the next day the pervert sees the blonde going to the bathroom, as the pervert approaches the bathroom he notices something odd.... the door isn't there anymore and he can see the blonde completely naked changing her clothes. The blonde laughs at the pervert and says "Can't peep through the keyhole anymore!"

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was in a cinema. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son! Detector: Beep.

The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American.

Black laughs matter.

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."

The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."

Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.

Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"

The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."

So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.

While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"

Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

Guy tells a bartender, I'll bet you 100 bucks ...

Guy tells a bartender, I'll bet you 100 bucks I can pee in this cup from five feet away without missing a drop. The bartender takes the bet.

The man misses horribly, hitting pretty much everything except the cup.

The bartender laughs and the man pays him the money.

Then the bartender sees the man's friends laughing by the pool table, and he asks the man what is so funny.

The man says, I bet them 1,000 bucks I would pee all over your bar and you wouldn't try to stop me.

It's a Saturday evening...

It's a Saturday evening. A man goes up to the register in a supermarket, bearing a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, some dip, a pint of ice cream, and toilet paper. The cashier says, "Single, huh?"

The man laughs and says, "Yeah, how can you tell?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler. He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, Hitler obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.

"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" Hitler answers.

The man's eyes widen.

"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.

Hitler laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

Two drunks

Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"

The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs

The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.

The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"

Semper Fi, Motherf*****

A Taliban division is patrolling the desert when, over a nearby dune, they hear a voice call out "One Marine is worth 10 Taliban." The Taliban commander sends 10 of his men over the dune, and a gun battle ensues, then silence.

Then the voice laughs and says "One marine is tougher than 100 Taliban." Angered, the commander sends 100 of his troops over the dune. A fierce gun battle breaks out, then silence.

Then the voice once again calls out: "The Taliban are wimps. One Marine can smash 1000 of you cowards!" Enraged, the commander sends 1000 of his best men over the dune. Bullets are flying everywhere, grenades exploding left and right, and then silence again.

Then, through the smoke, one badly wounded Taliban soldier crawls back over the dune. He looks at his commander and says "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are actually TWO of them!"

Prisoners are telling jokes

and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who's there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

walking down the beach when I saw a guy

Guy: HELP! SHARK! SHARK! HELP ME!

Me: (laughs) that sharks not gonna help him

I Don't Always Tell Dad Jokes...

But when I do he laughs.

A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps"

Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower"

"Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps"

"Oh I'm sorry"

"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

An Israeli doctor says

"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

A frog walks into a bank...

...and walks up to the teller, Pat E. Black.

"I'd like to take out a loan"

Pat asks the frog, "What do you have for collateral?"

The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small insignificant trinket. "This is all I have"

Pat laughs. "We can't take that."

The frog, furious, asks to see her supervisor.

The supervisor comes out from the break room, and Pat explains the situation. "It doesn't have any monetary value, so I denied him"

The supervisor rolls his eyes "Its a nic knack, Pat E Black. Give the frog a loan!"

Two muffins are in an oven

One turns to the other and says, boy, it sure is hot in here!

The other muffin replies, Ahhhhh a talking muffin!!!!!

(I'm terrible at jokes and this is the only one that I consistently don't f*k up and my husband actually laughs when I tell it.)

Jamaican Nudest Tattoo

A white guy takes a vacation at a Jamaican nudest resort. He sits at the bar next to a local. The Jamaican notices the white guy has the letters "WY" tattooed on his junk. He asks, "What does that mean." The white guy responds, "My wife's name is Wendy so when I get hard it spells it out." The white guy then notices his new friend has the same thing tattooed on his junk. The white guy asks, "Oh is your wife named Wendy too?" The Jamaican laughs and says, "No man, when I get hard it say 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'!"

We have collected gags that can be used as Laughs pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Laughs, here are one liners and funny Laughs pick up lines.

Joko Jokes