laughing matter Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious laughing matter puns

Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter.

Period.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,



Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!


Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?



The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,



Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."






I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter

lol

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A physicist walks into a bar

and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

edit=correct word(s)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying.

A passerby stops and asks, What's the matter?

The old man looks up and cries, I'm 93, married to a gorgeous 21year old who wants fucking before breakfast, lunch and tea, and then twice again at night!

The passerby laughs, What's the problem then?

The old guy replies I can't fucking remember where I live!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The only way to know if a jokes is actually funny is to tell it to an African-American.

Black laughs matter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a son goes up to his dad one day looking very sheepish.

He finally works up the courage and looks his father in the eyes and says, "Dad, I think I'm gay."


Now the father is shocked by all this but he says to his son, "Now that's quite a thought. Know that I'll love you no matter what, but I have to ask, why is it you think you're gay"


The son replies, "Dad, I'm attracted to Bruce Campbell"

The father looks at him with the biggest smile on his face and starts laughing with tears in his eyes. He looks at his son and says, "Oh my son, you're not gay, you're just human!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old Jewish man dies and goes to haven

An angel informs him that all those who lived a long and virtuous life and still believe in the creator get an audience with the Heavenly Father himself. The man proudly says I do and he gets to meet God for 5 minutes.

He does not want to God to hear the same tired questions that he is sure all people are asking: the meaning of life and how true the Bible is etc. So he decides to tell God a joke. A joke about the Holocaust.

God does not even chuckle. He's visibly displeased and says that it's no laughing matter as his children died there :(

The old Jew shrugs and says: I guess you had to be there...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.

He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".

The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".

The mad scientist says, "They can't read, write or speak, yet, but they can understand jokes."

The barman, thinking this guy is a total nut job, plays along. "Alright then, let me tell them a joke!".

The barman tells a reasonably funny joke, and miraculously laughter can be heard coming from the ice and water jars.

"Oh my god!" Says the barman. "They are alive!"

"Yes, I told you, I have created life!" says the mad scientist.

"Ok" says the barman, "but why didn't the steam laugh? Did it not like my joke?"

"Oh" says the mad scientist, "that's not a laughing matter."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man sits next to a beautiful professional looking woman on an airplane.

Their tickets gave them seats next to eachother. Realizing his good fortune, he strikes up a conversation.

"So, what do you do for a living?" He asked.

She blushed. "You'll laugh, but I'm a sex therapist."

"That's fascinating." He said automatically.

"It is." she agreed. "You'd be surprised about what misconceptions people have about sex."

"Such as?"

"Well for example, The African American male doesn't have the largest penis. That honor goes to the American Indian. Or that Italians are the most considerate lovers. The Jewish hold that title."

"interesting. he says. Who has the longest stamina?" He asked.

"That would be the Russians, as a matter of fact. Anyways, i never got your name, sir."

"Ivan, Ivan Kicking Horse Goldbloom." He said.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Since is translate your national jokes day here it goes: a romanian one.

Bula is at school, the teacher enters the class and starts calling pupils to see who is missing:

"Andrei?"

"Here."

"Anda?"

"Here."

"Bula?"

"Here."

Behind the class George starts laughing.

"What's so funny George?"

"Miss! If you change the first letter from Bula's name you get Pula (Penis). Hahaha"

Bula frowns.

The next day the same; George laughs.

The third day, after George laughs again at Bula's name:

"Gina?"

"Here."

"George?"

"Here."

Bula starts laughing uncontrollably.

The teacher, startled, asks:

"What's the matter Bula?"

"Miss, if you change a few letters from George's name you get *Fuck You George And Your Inbred Family*. Haha!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old couple were in bed one morning. (An old joke my dad used to tell)

And like every other morning for the past 40 years, the old man lets rip a ground-shaking fart. His wife, growing tired of this, turns to him and says

"One day you're going to fart so hard you'll shit out your guts!", to which the old man laughs.

A few weeks later, the wife had got up especially early to prepare the sunday roast. As she was about to throw away the giblets, she had an idea and crept up to the bedroom where her husband was still fast asleep, and quietly placed the giblets between his legs.
Half an hour goes by before she hears a scream from upstairs and a few minutes later her clearly shaken husband rushes into the kitchen.

"Whatever is the matter dear?" the wife asks, stifling a laugh.

"You were right!", he replies. "I farted so hard I shit my guts out! But by Gods good grace and these two fingers I managed to shove them back in there!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Have yourself a laugh on my cake day!

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."

The President nodded his head patriotically.

"There were some losses on our end, however." The aide continued. "We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad."

The president nodded solemnly with the news of the hummer, but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, "Sir, what's the matter."

With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled "How many is a brazilian?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Obesity is no laughing matter.

Because laughing burns calories.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men are in a balloon...

an Australian, an American and a Terrorist. The balloon is being weighed down so the Australian says, "My country has to much Vegemite" and threw a jar of Vegemite over the side. The American says, "My country has to many Hot Dogs" and threw a Hot dog over the side. Still the hot air balloon is to heavy so the Terrorist says, "My country has to many bombs" and threw a bomb over the side. Later when the men are walking they came across a woman in tears, they stopped to ask what the matter was, "I was taking my cat to the Vet for a check up and a jar of Vegemite fell on its head and it died". After consoling her the three men went on. Not to long after they came across a homeless man looking very happy, they asked him what he was so happy about and he answered, "God answered my prayer, he dropped a Hot Dog into my hands". Later on the men were walking and they came across a man laughing his head off. The three men asked him "Whats so funny?" and he answered "I was watching TV, and i farted so hard that my whole house blew up"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping.

This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's.

TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes.

In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin.

And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69".

Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend's dad confused the cashier

My friend and I were with her dad at the store buying groceries. When asked by the cashier "paper or plastic?" her dad immediately responded with: "Doesn't matter, I'm Bi***sack***tual"

The cashier looked extremely puzzled and started bagging everything in plastic bags, and then placing those into paper bags. We had a good laugh about how fluttered the cashier appeared to be after hearing that response.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I told my girlfriend some puns.

No matter how much I wanted them to make her laugh, no pun in ten did.

P.S. You may be asking if I was trying to be cheesy. Nope, unintended.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are atoms so serious?

Because they're no laughing matter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

No laughing matter.

Some people think it's funny when you're nose is wet and runny, but it's snot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jokes for drinking, when censorship doesn't matter..... I'll start.

Post your jokes, The ones you share with your mates who don't give a toss about all the PC carry on these days. The ones that truly make you laugh when your having a beer or two.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious;

"What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Nitrous Oxide abuse...

It's not a laughing matter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't Californians stop at stop signs?

I don't know and this is not a laughing matter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.


His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At what frequency does laughter become painful

Doesn't matter how often it is, it still hurts when they laugh at you

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gay sex is no laughing matter.

I take it, seriously.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Everyone has memory problems and they are no laughing matter.

I can't remember who isn't a laughing matter, but I think it's someone we shouldn't be laughing at.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have been studying German humour.

This is no laughing matter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Life Mini-game "Tip the Janitor"

So I play a game and I'm pretty sure it's original and no one else plays it yet. You could be next! This is how it works;

Every time I go out to a bar, or a club or something even a restaurant and there is a urinal, I drop a quarter into the urinal every time I use it.

I have amassed almost $2.50 as my highest while at an all night drinking session with friends. Sometimes the quarters are gone when I know no one cleaned the urinal and it makes me laugh my ass off to think of some customer fishing my pee-soaked quarter out of the urinal.

Well that's it, remember to always have fun no matter where you are.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Laughing Matter jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Laughing Matter? Well, here are the best Laughing Matter dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Laughing Matter pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes