Laughed So Hard Jokes

97 laughed so hard jokes and hilarious laughed so hard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laughed so hard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Laughed So Hard Short Jokes

Short laughed so hard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laughed so hard humour may include short laughing hard jokes also.

  1. What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life? Pi-gnocchi-o
    (I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself)
  2. Here's a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy? A mistake
    - I don't know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.
  3. What's black and white, black and white, and black and white? "A penguin rolling down a hill"
    My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard. I felt it should be shared. Lol
  4. An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
  5. Did you hear about the two mute people who were telling each other jokes? They laughed so hard they broke their fingers.
  6. This made me laugh so hard when I was eight Where does the general keep his ARMies?

    In his sleevies
  7. USA elected a billionaire that is appointing other billionaires to fix the system that made them billionaires I laughed so hard thinking about this on the dinner table
  8. As a working comedian, I've decided to only work outdoor venues... my inside jokes hardly get a laugh.
  9. A lady that sat next to me on a plane freaked out when she realized that I am a muslim. I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets.
  10. Two Egyptians are having an argument The first Egyptian farts and the second one laughs so hard he farts.
    "Well, at least we have a Tutankhamun!"

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Laughed So Hard One Liners

Which laughed so hard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laughed so hard? I can suggest the ones about giggled and laugh out loud.

  1. What happened to the guy after he tripped? broccoli fell out of his pocket.
  2. [pun] Why did Elon musk laughed so hard at the deer meme? Because he knew he lost a concurrent
  3. I laughed so hard Tears ran down my leg
  4. I laugh at those who say cancer is hard to beat I'm already at stage 4
  5. Why was the surgeon laughing so hard? Because he had just reached the puncreas.

Laughed So Hard Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about laughed so hard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laugh jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laughed so hard pranks.

A guy drops a sword from the sky. When he gets off he sees a girl crying. He says "What's wrong?" The girl says, "Well, a sword fell from the sky and killed my cat. Another guy drops a gun from the sky and sees a boy crying. He asks "What's wrong?" He says "A gun fell from the sky and shot my dog." Another guy drops a bomb from the sky and sees a little boy laughing. He asks, "What's so funny?" He says "My mom f**... so hard the house blew up!!"

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were on a plane.

The red head takes a bite of an apple doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
The brunette takes a bite out of an orange doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
The blonde takes a bit of a bomb doesn't like it she throws it out the window.
They get out of the plane.
They come up to a little boy asks why he is crying! he says "An apple fell on my dog and killed my dog."
They keep walking and come up to a little girl and asks why she is crying. She says" An orange fell on my cat and killed my cat."
They keep walking.
They come up to a blonde laughing her head off.
"Why are you laughing so hard?" they said.
"When I f**... the building blew up!"

One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious;

"What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a s**... smile on his face: "School? What school?"

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.

The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.
So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.
The man says, "Let me tell you a story...
One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse.
Then he says, "Now drop your pants."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I take off my pants.
Then he says, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I s**t.
Then he says, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.
Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns!
I grab them!
Now I say, "Drop your pants."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He drops his pants.
Then I say, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He s**ts.
Then I say, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He eats it.
So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, If I told you, you would only laugh.
No, I wouldn't, he said.
She said, I sell tampons.
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, See, I knew you would laugh.
That's not what I'm laughing at, he replied. I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!

A blonde cuts off a truck driver on the highway...

the truck driver has bad road rage and forces the blonde to pull over. He runs up to the blonde and starts yelling at her. The truck driver draws a circle on the pavement and tells the blonde stay there. Then, the truck driver starts smashing her windshield. He looks back at the blonde and she's smiling. He gets even more mad so, he grabs a knife out of his truck and starts slashing her tires. The blonde is still laughing at him. Furious, he takes out his zippo and lights her car on fire. The blonde is laughing so hard, she's in tears. The truck driver storms over to the blonde and asks "I JUST DESTROYED YOUR CAR!! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING??" Wiping a tear from her eye, the blonde says, "While you were turned around, I stepped out of the circle three

Court Case

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'


my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit and answered,
Me "Yes"
Customer "do you know what a tiger is?"
I figured he was implying the tiger to be like a cougar(as in an older woman seeking young men) but i wasn't sure.
Me "i don't think so, what is it?"
Customer "Its a cougar with stretch marks!"
I started to laugh pretty hard. Was so taken off guard by his answer that I dropped the manure fork on my boots.
Me "Good show! You my good man, are my favourite for today."
He smiled and I gave him a discount on all his items.

A genie appears in an African tribe...

A genie appears in an African tribe to grant a wish to every villager.
He makes them line up and asks them one by one what they would like.
The first: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
The second: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
A guy in the middle of the line moves to the end of the line, grinning wildly.
The 3rd: I want to be white. The genie turns him white.
The following 10: I want to be white.
The guy in the back starts to laugh.
The 25th : I want to be white...
The guy is now exploding with laughter.
The 40 th, 50 th ... : I want to be white...
The 60th, 70th 80th: I want to be white...
By now the guy can hardly stand, he's laughing so hard it hurts.
The 90 th, 95 th ... 99th : They all wish to be white...
When it's finally the last guy's turn, it takes him 15 minutes to control his laughter enough to make his request.
He says : I wish for all of them to be black again.

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the

This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."

Maybe not a joke as much as a cute misunderstanding but...

I cracked open a r**... kit last weekend. I had never seen one before.
Anyway, I obviously have been operating under a huge misconception. I laughed so hard, she got away.

my math teacher's joke she told us

so, in math class my teacher told us a joke that goes like this: knock knock who's there? interrupting starfish interrup-(places hand on other person's face) we laughed so hard at the teacher's reaction.

Build me a bridge

A man was walking along a California beach and finds a genies bottle, he gives the bottle a rub and a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish.
The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Is there anything else you would like instead ?"
After much thought, the man said, "Iv'e been married and divorced 3 times and still don't understand women, so I wish that I could understand women."Then, after a few minutes, the genie said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Three men are in a balloon...

an Australian, an American and a t**.... The balloon is being weighed down so the Australian says, "My country has to much Vegemite" and threw a jar of Vegemite over the side. The American says, "My country has to many Hot Dogs" and threw a Hot dog over the side. Still the hot air balloon is to heavy so the t**... says, "My country has to many bombs" and threw a bomb over the side. Later when the men are walking they came across a woman in tears, they stopped to ask what the matter was, "I was taking my cat to the Vet for a check up and a jar of Vegemite fell on its head and it died". After consoling her the three men went on. Not to long after they came across a homeless man looking very happy, they asked him what he was so happy about and he answered, "God answered my prayer, he dropped a Hot Dog into my hands". Later on the men were walking and they came across a man laughing his head off. The three men asked him "Whats so funny?" and he answered "I was watching TV, and i f**... so hard that my whole house blew up"

Why is it so hard to have a guys night out

Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!
Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….
then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's t**... and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and f**...

why is one side longer then the other when birds fly in a V shape?

because there are more birds on the one side.
my great uncle told me this joke today and I laughed so hard

Confession of a young OB/GYN doc.

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.
The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.
Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.
The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?"
The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa f**..., and the house behind him blew up!"

Joe goes down to the docks...(long)

... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle, and the other two starts to laugh.
Joe is a little bit confused, so he walks up to them and asks:
- Hey! I heard what you were talking about, and I have to ask, what's so funny about some numbers?
- Well, says the third sailor, we have been out on the sea for more than thirty years. By this time we all know each other very well, so we decided to put numbers on our jokes instead re-telling them every time.
- That sounds a bit weird, says Joe.
- Maybe, says the second sailor, why don't you try for yourself?
- Okay then, number eightythree, Joe says.
All three sailors start to laugh really hard, one of them even falls of the bench and can hardly breathe.
- What was so funny about it? Joe asks.
Still giggling, the first sailor answers:
- Never heard that one before!

Laugh Hard. Live Happy.

So a guy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom and he goes to get flowers and there's this ridiculously long line, but he waits and gets the flowers. Then he goes to get the limo and there's another long line he has to wait in and he hates it. So he picks up his date and when they get there there's another line they have to wait in to get in, he's fed up with waiting now. Finally, they get inside and his date says she's thirsty. He goes to get her something to drink and luckily, there's no punch line.

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

So a blonde died and went to Heaven.

God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."
The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.
She then went to the second and again did not laugh.
This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.
When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.
The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"
The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"

There are 3 nuns two that are crying and one who is laughing...

a priest goes up to the first crying nun and asks, "What is wrong sister?" The nun says, "I broke into somebody's house." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The next nun says, "Father I stole someone's car." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The priest goes up to the laughing nun and asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

How to make a hard-nosed woman laugh and then cry?

It's a Chinese joke. very long time ago, there was a couple, the wife was a hard-nosed woman, who never laughed and was emotionless. One day the husband said to his bosom friend: if you can make my wife laugh and then cry, I give five bucks. The guy accept it, and went out. The woman was standing on the doorway, a dog by her side. This guy went straight to the dog, kneeled and said: "Dad" The woman laugh madly, then the guy kneeled down before the woman and said, "mom". She then was furious and cried also madly.

3 men board a plane.

As the plane was flying over their destination, one of the men threw a apple out of the plane. The second man threw an orange out of the plane and the third man threw a bomb out of the plane. When the plane landed, the men got out of the plane and went their separate ways. The man who threw the apple sees a girl crying and asked her what was wrong. She replied with "an apple fell from the sky and hit my head." The second man sees a small boy crying. He asks him what happened and he replied with "an orange fell from the sky and hit my head." The third man sees an old man laughing as hard as he can. He asks him what was so funny and the old man replied with "I f**... and that building over there blew up!"
Not sure if repost. It's one of my favourite jokes.

Jamaican Nudest Tattoo

A white guy takes a vacation at a Jamaican nudest resort. He sits at the bar next to a local. The Jamaican notices the white guy has the letters "WY" tattooed on his junk. He asks, "What does that mean." The white guy responds, "My wife's name is Wendy so when I get hard it spells it out." The white guy then notices his new friend has the same thing tattooed on his junk. The white guy asks, "Oh is your wife named Wendy too?" The Jamaican laughs and says, "No man, when I get hard it say 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'!"

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and harder. Finally, St. Peter reaches the last man, who at this point is on the ground crying he's laughing so hard. St. Peter asks him "Well, what is your wish?" to which the man replies, "Make them all ugly again!"

What do you call a pile of cats?

Told this one at work after two weeks straight of 12+ hours days and laughed so hard I got sent home for the rest of the day to get sleep. To this day, every time I tell it I start giggling uncontrollably... Yep.

A Man walks into a irish bar

A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"

Weather Report...

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Funniest Doctor Joke I've read in years (supposedly true):

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB-GYN,

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

My Dad's cat had a hernia operation

The cat was laying there next to next to me and I asked " What did they sew you up with?"
My Dad laughing so hard - as he said "That's not funny!"
[Cat Gut]

The circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Geography teacher dropped this dad joke on us in the middle of class

Context: talking about permafrost. They way vegetation thaws out is called polygons (cause they look like them)
So he says: on the exam if I ask what polygons are... I'm asking about the permafrost ground. Not a dead parrot!
I think I'm too tired cause I laughed way too hard!

Two deaf guys...

Two deaf guys, Ed and Harry, were hanging out talking, when Ed told Harry a joke. Harry laughed so hard he broke three fingers...

The Pope is doing a cross word with the Dalai Lama and needs a four letter word for a woman that ends with the three letters "UNT".

The Dalai Lama thinks real hard... "Four letter word.. woman... last three letters are UNT... hmmm... UNT... no... can't... wait a minute, it's 'Aunt'!
"Aunt! Of course!" laughs the Pope, "Do you have an eraser?"

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.
"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."
The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.
Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.
God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?


Jk. Rowling.

Sorry if repost, I just saw it on my Facebook and laughed really hard.

So man goes to prison

On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"

A group of hunters gathered in the woods..

A group of hunters gathered around the campfire after a long, hard day in the woods. *"3"*, said one of the hunters, and the rest laughed.
*"8"*, another said, and they laughed even more.
Now, for one of the hunters, these numbers weren't very fun. He asks, *"Why is this fun?"*. The hunters look at each other, and the leader explained, *"Well, you see son, instead of having to say the jokes to each other we've assigned* numbers *to them."* He looks at the hunter and says, *"Why don't try one?"*
The young hunter thinks for a moment, and then he says; *"42"*.
And this time, the hunters burst out in an e**... of laughter, som even falling to the ground.
Puzzled, the young one asks, *"Tell me, tell me, why was this fun?"*
The leader dries his tears with his hand, and says;
*"We hadn't heard that one before."*

s**... amnesia

Being new parents my wife and usually have our s**... times while extremely tired. This results in one or more parties not fully remembering the previous nights events. So here is the conversation I had with my wife today.
W - do you remember having s**... last night?
M - only the last 30 seconds or so
W - you remember the whole thing then...
I laughed so hard I couldn't even be mad.

A man goes to see a film alone...

...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."

Mom: (weeping) Son…your Grandpa…he…he…

He, overdosed on v**...… (sobs)
Dad: i'm sure this i HARD for you…
(Not my joke heard this and died laughing, had to share)

Doctor! Doctor! I think I have Barry Manilow's disease!

"What are your symptoms?"
"I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.
One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered them and now just tell the numbers instead.
The new guy decides to try it and says the first number that comes to his mind - ...213.
Now the patients are laughing frantically, a few almost fall off their chairs. Finally he asks them: - Why are you laughing so hard?
\- We never heard this one before.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the only movie I've ever cried to...

I laughed so hard I cried

A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-e**.... It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."
Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and knocked out her new puppy. Later they come across a little boy who is also crying. They ask him what's wrong and he says a bag fell from the sky and knocked out his new kitten. Then they come across a little girl who's laughing really hard. They ask her what's so funny and she says "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"

I saw a lady in Church light a cigarette during Mass...

I was laughing so hard I dropped my beer.

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Jesus got nailed because his mom did not.

Came up with this joke when I was just having silly talks with my girlfriend... She laughed pretty hard at it, so I thought I'd share it here! :)

Know what really makes me laugh to the point where it's hard to breathe?

Jokes about asthma

Wife to husband:" My colleague told me joke..."

I laughed so hard I almost fell off the bed.

Two deaf people where telling jokes.

Suddenly one of them laughed so hard he broke two fingers.

3 kids are in class Atom, Molecule and Matter. Atom turns to molecule and tells him a joke. Molecule laughs so hard and asks why don't you tell Matter the joke.

Atom: he wouldn't get it, he's too dense.

Two people walk into a bar

Maybe if they hadn't been laughing so hard at this joke they would've noticed it.

My cousin told me she choked on a mozzarella stick at a local restaurant, and I laughed so hard I cried.

The choking wasn't her biggest problem considering it was a Mexican restaurant...

That's my Charlie!

Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands s**... life when one posed the question, "If you could name your husbands junk after any soft drink what would it be?"
The first lady says, "Well I'd name my husbands Mountain Dew, because it's as big as a mountain and all he wants to do!"
The second lady quips, "I'd name my husbands 7-Up, because it's 7 inches and it's always up!"
The third lady responds, "Well I'd name my husbands Jack Daniel's!"
The other ladies laughed and said, "That's not a soft drink! It's a hard liquor".
The third ladies replies, "That's my Charlie!"

Dark (Netflix Series)

I showed it to my daughter
Now is she is my mother.
PS: it was a comment on YouTube, i laughed pretty hard at it, thought i should share.

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way. They decided to switch things up by giving all the jokes a number each and just saying the joke's number instead of telling the whole joke, making things more efficient and different.
One day they sit together and tell some jokes.
Guy: 17
They all laugh
Other guy: 54
They laugh again
Another guy: 76
They all laugh and one laughs hysterically for the next minute.
After he is done laughing they ask him:
Why makes you laugh so hard at this joke in particular?
"It's the first time I've ever heard it"

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"

A beer bottle, a mirror and a c**... go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, That's nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.
The c**... starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, James, you've been adopted.

James jumps up, Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents! Father laughs, No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.

I met a happy gay couple while passing through Mobile, AL

I asked if it was hard being gay here because I heard these jokes about how backwards Alabama is. They laughed and said it was a fair question, but all of their friends were really cool with it. I thought this was great news, so I asked how their families felt about it. I was shocked when they said everyone but their sister was also really supportive.