Laughed Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Laughed puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Laughed

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...



Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!

The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old.

Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha­­! That's not going to help!

Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian

No one's laughing now.

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?

Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?

I explained, Because...he's my newt!"

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.





Well Jokes on them because neither are they

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."

Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?

My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house

I said decepticons.

She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.

I shot the microwave.

They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well, they are not laughing now.

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...

"Does anyone know CPR!?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'

We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'

They all laughed when I told them that one day I'd discover the secret to invisibility

If only they could see me now

Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.

They're not laughing now.

My wife asked why I brought a gun home

I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

And God promised men that...

Good and obedient wife's would be found in all corners of the world.........Then he made the world round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes