laughed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious laughed puns

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...



Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

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When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!

The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.

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My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

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How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

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When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"



I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

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My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

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My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

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My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

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My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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My wife laughed when I said I still have the body of a 25 year old.

Until I showed it to her in the freezer.

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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, Ha­­! That's not going to help!

Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian

No one's laughing now.

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

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My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house.

"To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

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Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

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Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

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I was at a restaurant....

and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.

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My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

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I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?

Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?

I explained, Because...he's my newt!"

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When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

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A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."

Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

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Out on a blind date.

I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"

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Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

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I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm." I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied,

"Of course it is," I laughed, "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

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What are the best Laughed puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Laughed? Well, here are the best Laughed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Laughed pick up lines to share with friends.

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