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Laugh Your Head Off Jokes

113 laugh your head off jokes and hilarious laugh your head off puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laugh your head off that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Laugh Your Head Off Short Jokes

Short laugh your head off jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laugh your head off humour may include short laugh jokes also.

  1. A drunk man walked into a bar. As a bystander, I couldn't help but laugh as I watched a bruise form on his head.
  2. Two zombies were playing a game of poker The first one threw his hand in the pile and the other laughed his head off.
  3. I love Toad from Super Mario you know, the little guy with the mushroom head. He always made me laugh.
    He's a real fungi.
  4. It never fails to get a laugh.. My m1911 is pretty persuasive when it's aimed at someone's head
  5. When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy. When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
  6. Holding my wife's head under the blankets while I f**... always makes me laugh. Especially when I remember the rest of her body down there in the freezer.
  7. Q: Did you hear about the l**... poker game?
    A: o**... threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

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Laugh Your Head Off One Liners

Which laugh your head off one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laugh your head off? I can suggest the ones about laugh out loud and chuckle.

  1. When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy... ...I laughed my head off.
  2. What goes HAHAHAHATHUMP? A man laughing his head off!
    Sorry haha
  3. What goes ha ha ha ha ha ha..kerplop Somebody laughing their head off
  4. What goes ha, ha, ha, clunk? A man laughing his head off.
  5. What sound does someone make when they laugh their head off? Ha-ha-ha-*plop*
  6. What goes hahaha -'bonk'? A man laughing his head off
  7. 2 lepers playing poker... 1 throws his hand in, the other laughs his head off.
  8. What do you do when you see a black guy with half of his head? Stop laughing and reload
  9. Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
  10. What goes "ha ha ha ha....plop"? Someone laughing their head off.
  11. What do you do if you see a white guy with a hole in his head? Stop laughing and reload.
  12. What goes h**... h**... h**... thud? Santa laughing his head off.
  13. What goes "h**...! h**...! h**...! Thump!"? Santa Claus laughing his head off!

Cheerful Fun Laugh Your Head Off Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about laugh your head off you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laughing hard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laugh your head off pranks.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.


He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.


A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of s**....
The humans told the aliens how humans have s**... and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest s**... of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St.

Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Little Lucy met Little Johnny after school and ask him, "

Johnny do you you think I'm cute?"
Little Johnny looked at her from head to toe irritably and replied.
"Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey.
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I'll be there too.
Not in the cage, But laughing at you".

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

I was cooking last night and made a joke about being able to figure out the fractions in my head without cutting one of my fingers off. No one laughed.

Guess I wasn't appealing to the lowest common denominator.

How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and replies, "About two hours." The guy closes the door and leaves.A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy turns and leaves the shop.A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and answers, "About an hour and a half." The guy walks out quickly.The barber, curious, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?""To your house."

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

My young daughter asked me this morning....

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-s**... head.

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth....

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth. They both want control of the earth, so they come up with this plan. They will have a dog fight in five years; what ever country wins this dog fight gets control of the earth. So the Russians ,having control of Europe, take the biggest, meanest Siberian wolfs and German shepards and breed them over and over until they get the perfect batch of pups. Then they train them make them mean and then breed them using new enhancement technologies. This goes on and on until the event comes then they pick they're biggest, meanest, and strongest pup at prime age. They go to the event and U.S. shows up with this 30ft long Doxen Terrier. The match begins and this Doxen just rips the Russians dog into pieces. The Russians are dumbfounded they can't figure out how this happened. So they go ask the head U.S. dog official "How did you beat us? We spent 5 years training the biggest meanest dogs we could find and our most advanced using enhancement technologies. Then we come here and your dog rips ours apart in no more than 30 seconds. The U.S. official laughs and says "Thats funny we spent 2 and a half years using our best plastic surgeons trying to get a crocodile to look like a dog!"

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning...

...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine.
At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes.
Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. "Mind if I play ahead?", the man asks.
"Sure thing, buddy! Lord knows how long we'll be here.", Bill yells back.
The man hits the ball over their heads and into the rough.
Laughing and amongst themselves, they meander through the woods to find his ball being held by a squirrel. The squirrel runs up a tree, but is then swooped up by an owl. The owl takes flight over a water hazard and drops the squirrel, still holding the ball. The bearded man joins them and they walk towards the edge of the water. As they approach the water's edge, an alligator leaps out thrashes his head towards the group, spitting out the squirrel holding the golf ball. The squirrel rolls down green and into the hole, only to emerge without the ball and scurry away back into the woods. The three men run over to find the golf ball resting at the bottom of the hole.
"Jesus Christ!", John yells out.
The man nods.
"Yup."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.
On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.
Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."

A cowboy walks into a saloon

A cowboy walks into a saloon as he's passing through town. As he sits down with his drink he notices a few rough looking locals at a table staring and pointing at him and looking generally unfriendly. He finishes his drink, and not wanting any trouble he decides he'd better get back on the road again. He walks out and notices that his horse is no longer tied to the hitch, so he turns around and heads back into the bar. All of the guys at the table are snickering and laughing and staring at him again.
The cowboy loudly says "I'm gonna grab another drink and I'm gonna sit here and drink it, and when I'm done my horse is gonna be back on that hitch out there. And if it's not on the hitch out there when I'm done I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And I don't want to have to do what I did back in Texas."
The place falls silent and a couple of locals slink out the back door. He finishes is drink, and sure enough his his horse is back on the hitch. He hops on it, and starts trotting down the road. The bartender walks out into the road and says "Hey Mister! What did you have to do back in Texas?"
The cowboy stops his horse, and looks at him.
"I walked home."

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of h**....
The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.
Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.
The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the h**... injection.
The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.
"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a c**... the whole time!"

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Three men are in a balloon...

an Australian, an American and a t**.... The balloon is being weighed down so the Australian says, "My country has to much Vegemite" and threw a jar of Vegemite over the side. The American says, "My country has to many Hot Dogs" and threw a Hot dog over the side. Still the hot air balloon is to heavy so the t**... says, "My country has to many bombs" and threw a bomb over the side. Later when the men are walking they came across a woman in tears, they stopped to ask what the matter was, "I was taking my cat to the Vet for a check up and a jar of Vegemite fell on its head and it died". After consoling her the three men went on. Not to long after they came across a homeless man looking very happy, they asked him what he was so happy about and he answered, "God answered my prayer, he dropped a Hot Dog into my hands". Later on the men were walking and they came across a man laughing his head off. The three men asked him "Whats so funny?" and he answered "I was watching TV, and i f**... so hard that my whole house blew up"

A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first camper says "jeez, it must be really deep!" and picks up a larger rock. Using both hands he heaves it into the hole. The campers put their heads down and listen for the big rock to hit. Nothing! The second camper looks puzzled, and then spots a boulder. "Hey come and help me with this" he says, and they both start lugging the enormous rock to the hole. "3-2-1" both campers shove the boulder into the hole and quickly put their heads down to listen to the impact. Not even 3 seconds go by and a sheep runs and JUMPS into the hole. Both campers look at each other bewildered. "Did you see that?? A sheep just ran and jumped into the hole!" A few minutes pass, and a farmer comes up. The farmer asks "Hey, have you guys seen my sheep?" The first camper says, "Yeah, the craziest thing happened! Your sheep ran, and jumped into this hole!" The farmer laughed, and said "That's impossible! My sheep was tied to a rock."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

There's a car accident in a neighborhood

A guy in an old, beat up station wagon rear ends another guy in a brand new Porsche. Both drivers get out of their cars to inspect the damage and they see that the back of the Porsche is totaled but station wagon's front fender doesn't have a scratch on it.
The owner of the Porsche is livid with rage that this dolt hit him and wrecked his new car. So he goes into his car and comes back with a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground around the driver of the station wagon and tells him if he leaves that circle he'll beat him to death with the baseball bat.
Then the Porsche driver goes to town on the station wagon, getting all his fury out destroying the car. He bashes in the windows, dents up the hood, roof and sides and destroys all the lights. When he comes back to the driver of the station wagon he finds the guy rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Astonished, he asks the guy how he could be laughing so hard after his station wagon was just destroyed.
The guy stops laughing for a second and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle *two times*!"

Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."
"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."
"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."
"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."
"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."
"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."
"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."
"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

A girl asks her father how she got her name

The man replies, "well, Daisy, when you were born a daisy pedal fell off the flower and onto your head, just as a rose pedal did with your sister, Rose." Then her younger sister came running in Laughing and screaming uncontrollable, to which the father shouted, "stop it Cinderblock!"

Jesus is watching...

A burglar one night decides he's going to break into a home, he notices a home alone and promptly makes his way.
He heads to a window looks around and spots a tv. He then proceeds to enter the home through the window.

Upon entering the home he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching..." frightened he turns his flash light on but finds nothing and thinks nothing of it.
He continues to the tv when he hears the voice again, "Jesus is watching..." sure that he heard a voice he frantically looks for his flash light and points it into the direction he heard the voice and finds nothing. He continues his search until he stumbles across a Parrott in a cage.
Curious he asks the Parrott it's name. It replies,"Moses".
The burglar laughs and asks, "what kind of owners name a Parrott Moses?!"
The Parrott replies again, "The same one who names the Rottweiler Jesus."

3 men board a plane.

As the plane was flying over their destination, one of the men threw a apple out of the plane. The second man threw an orange out of the plane and the third man threw a bomb out of the plane. When the plane landed, the men got out of the plane and went their separate ways. The man who threw the apple sees a girl crying and asked her what was wrong. She replied with "an apple fell from the sky and hit my head." The second man sees a small boy crying. He asks him what happened and he replied with "an orange fell from the sky and hit my head." The third man sees an old man laughing as hard as he can. He asks him what was so funny and the old man replied with "I f**... and that building over there blew up!"
Not sure if repost. It's one of my favourite jokes.

Tell your favorite f**... joke growing up. More terrible the better.

Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head.
A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy said an apple hit him in the head.
The third man jumped and dropped a grenade. He found a boy laughing his eyes out when he landed. He asked the boy what was so funny and he said, "When I f**..., my house blew up."
Third grade forever

Jesus is watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in
the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'I'm Moses.' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

God decided to visit Earth...

...so He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God.
"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.
However, God took pity on the beggar and cured him with a snap of the fingers. The beggar stood up and ran down the street, laughing with joy.
Ambling down the road, God spies another man sitting on the curb, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God again.
"Well," said the wretch, "Last week a p**... fell on my head and I was struck blind."
With another snap of his fingers God granted sight to the man, who thanked Him profusely before walking away.
Continuing down the boulevard God spotted yet a third man sitting on the curb, weeping to himself.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God?
"Well, sir," said the man, "I am a high school chorus teacher."
And the Lord sat down and wept with him.

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old.
Here's my contribution.
Have you head of the new drinking game?
The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots.
What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.

The very famous barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

So, how about a free haircut?

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did that fool go when he left here?"
Joey says, "**To your house!**"

Potato Clocks.

Colin walks into the largest watch, clock and timepiece store in Dublin and after a bit of browsing, calls the shopkeeper over...
"Where d'ya keep your potato clocks?"
The shopkeeper laughs, "Potato clocks?! Are you messin' with me? I will tell you that we sell alarm clocks and grandfather clocks, and mantel clocks and hour-glasses, cuckoo clocks, sundials, and electric clocks and quartz clocks, digital clocks, solar clocks, and even Mickey Mouse clocks, but in all my years, I have never heard tell of a POTATO clock!"
Colin shakes his head and says, "I don't know...but after years of unemployment, I'm finally startin' a new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife says 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

A Burglar Broke Into a House...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

A group of nuns are biking one day...

and every bump they hit they all giggle. Finally the head nun turns around and yells, "Ladies, if you don't stop that laughing we're going to have to put the seats back on!"

Jesus is always watching.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

Barber shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money

(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop full of customers.....

....He asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.
She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.
The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

A Russian judge walks out of has chambers laughing his head off.

A colleague approaches him and asks him why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well go ahead and tell me," says the second judge. "I can't - I just gave someone ten years for it!"

I make puns to test if people enjoy my company.

If they smirk or laugh I know they tolerate me, that's a person who can spend time with me and not hate me for my puns.
If they growl and throw something at my head.. then it's my wife.

A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole said Bob, But we don't have a ladder.
The woman said, Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox. She loosened a few bolts and then laid the flagpole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, Eighteen feet and three inches and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, Well ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman? he said, We need the height and she gives us the length!
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they're congressmen.

Fighting Against Real Truths

I thought I knew what you really were
I thought you could ease my pain
Put an end to all this aching
And make me laugh again
I've known your kind before
I thought you weren't the same
Just trying to get in my pants
And fill my head with shame
I've held onto you for too long
So now I'll let you free
Nobody to witness
It's only you and me
Sure doesn't come out easy
But it's coming from the heart
Luckily no one can see
That it wasn't just a f**...

Someone threw a Holy Book of m**... at me and it missed.

That joke went over my head
(Mormons reading this, I'm making fun of the book, not of you. Please don't be offended. It's ok. You can laugh.)

A panda walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he knew any p**... around so he points to this lady sitting afar so he goes over and talks to her and both of them head to a motel... After they finish she asks him

"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up p**... and it clearly said (has s**... in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"

Some numbers are having a party

There's 3, 4, and 5 playing pin the tail on the donkey. 8, 9, and 0 are chasing a ball around. Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Except for little 2. Alone he sits in the corner quietly watching everyone play. After some time he says, too quietly for anybody to hear, "would anyone like to play?". But no one hears him. All the numbers keep carrying on and having a great time. Quietly he says again, "would anyone like to play?". But again, no one hears him.
Later on he says to his mum, "mum why can't I play with the other numbers?". And his mother just looks at him and shakes her head. "Because, son, you're not a loud two."

A Greek guy visits his Kiwi friend.

A Greek guy visits his kiwi friend. This friend happens to own a sheep farm and gives his friend a tour. After a while, they see a sheep that has its head stuck in the fence. The kiwi goes over and gives it a huge kick and laughs about it. He then tells the Greek that it's his turn. The Greek man walks over to the fence and sticks his head in.

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had s**... with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best s**... we've had"
One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had s**... with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"
The two other men shook their heads.
"That I was the best she has ever had!"
The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"
The third man says "once!"
The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"
The third man lays back and says:
"Don't stop!"

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car c**....

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd step and also fell off. Finally, the blond head reached the 100th and then suddenly bursted into laughter.
God asked, Why did you laugh? You almost made it!
To which the blond replied, I just got the first one.

A man walks into a joke store...

There are three lines.
He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.
He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"
He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out laughing.
He sees the guy at the end of the second line given a knee-trembling BJ by a gorgeous woman , and he runs out laughing.
He arrives at the end of his own line and is smashed in the face by a huge bouncer. Sitting on the floor, rubbing his jaw he says: 'Oh I get it. That line's the pay-off, and that line's the c**... so this must be the punch line".

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."

An English man ,a Scott's man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott's man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him on the head.
The Scott's man dropped his knife and when he got home he found his mother crying. He asked what is wrong and she said a knife hit him on the head.
The Irish man dropped his bomb and when he got home he found his dad laughing in the garden. He asked why are you laughing dad and he said I f**... and the neighbors house blow up.

3 guys are on a plane

First guy throws out an apple and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.
Second guy throws out an orange and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.
Third guy throws out a grenade and the other two ask why and he says to see where it would land
So they go to find their stuff they first see a boy crying and ask why he is crying and he says an apple hit his head so they move on.
They then come across a girl crying and ask why she is crying and she says an orange hit her head so they move on.
They come across a boy laughing and ask what's so funny and he says grandpa f**... and the house exploded.

Typical blonde

Billy-Bob and Jimmy stood at the base of the flagpole and looked at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We should find the height of this flagpole," said Jimmy, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took the key from her purse, loosened a few screws and put the bar on the ground. Then she took a tape measure out of her purse, took the measurement and said, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. Jimmy shook his head and laughed: "Typical blonde! We ask for height and she gives us the length! "

3 guys on a plane

The 1st guy has a penny,
The 2nd guy has a quarter,
The 3rd guy has a bomb,
They all throw them out of the plane then land to go see where they had fallen,
The 1st guy finds a kid crying and asks him why he is crying the kid replies "I was just playing here and a penny hit me on the head,
The 2nd guy also found a kid crying and asked him why he was crying and the kid said "I was standing here watching birds and a quarter hit me on the head"
The 3rd guy had found a kid laughing and asked him why he was laughing the kid said "I f**... and the building behind me blew up"

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

jokes about laugh your head off