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Late Reply Jokes

113 late reply jokes and hilarious late reply puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about late reply that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Late Reply Short Jokes

Short late reply jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The late reply humour may include short late arrival jokes also.

  1. A guy shows up late for work The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
    He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
  2. A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.
  3. My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week I replied "because it's only Thursday"
  4. "Why are you late?" my teacher asked. "My dad's in the hospital," I replied. Seven days later I was still late. Teacher said, "Is your dad still in the hospital?"
    "Yes, he's a doctor."
  5. Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" ..... ...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"
  6. My boss asked why I was already late twice this week "Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.
  7. A nun wakes up late for church.... She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"
    He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."
  8. A man calls his doctor late at night. "Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do?!" The sleepy M.D replies, "Don't go back to either of them."
  9. A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
  10. I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately. He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
    I replied, "No, just spots."

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Late Reply Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about late reply you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean replying jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make late reply pranks.

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"

One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

A Jewish girl....

.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish v**.... As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish v**.... Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from l**... Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

An old man and a boy were walking through the woods..

It was late at night and the boy said "It's so dark out, I'm scared!", the old man replied, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...

"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

So the Polish guy found an ocean cruise for only $100...

His friend warned him that it was too good to be true, but he didn't listen. They sailed in the late afternoon, and right around dusk, someone conked him on the back of the head, took his wallet and dumped him overboard. Seeing a fellow passenger in the same predicament, he asked "Do they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The fellow replies "They didn't last year!"

Guy has s**... with woman

Guy walking home one late night and stumbles across a woman laying on the train tracks, he then decides to take her home and have s**....
The next morning the guy goes to the pub for a drink, sits down huffing and puffing and the bartender says "Busy night" the guy says yes i had a long night worth of s**..., the bartender then asks "Did you get a BJ?" the guy replies "Na i could not find her head"

An elderly couple live next to a highway...

One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.
The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"
The elderly man replies that it is the middle of the night and he is too old for physical exertion. He then heads back to bed. Upon getting in bed the wife asked him what happened and is shocked to hear that he did not help the stranger. "Go outside and help him right now!" she demands.
The old man begrudgingly gets dressed and walks outside. He looks left and right and doesn't see the man or his car anywhere along the highway. "Where are you?" he shouts.
"Over here on the swings!"

Two nuns were riding though the streets

and realised they were late for church, one said to the other "I know a short cut" they zip through back streets and down a cobble stone path, the other Nun says "I've never come this way before!" The fist Nun replies "yeah, it's the cobble stones"

Weird Dreams

I've been having these weird dreams lately and, disturbed by them, I decide to call up my buddy who works as a psychologist.
He asks me what's wrong and I tell him about the weird dreams, "The first night, I dreamed I was a wigwam. And then the next night I had a dream I was a tipi. What do you think this means, doc?"
There was a brief pause before he replied, "Well, I think you're two tents."

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Souvenirs

An old lady was sitting in a restaurant staring sadly at the bread sticks on her table and crying. The waiter approached her and asked " Something wrong Ma' am?
'No ,Nothing serious"replied the lady" it's just that these bread sticks remind a lot of my late husband's legs

New job.

A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?"

A dad puts his little girl to sleep...

And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs
"give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"
In that case," replied the mugger,


"give me my money."

A guy shows up late for work

Off to work
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, 'You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. 'Why? What happened at 8.30?'

a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...

finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....

...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?!" he asked angrily.
"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers." I replied.
He said, "Can't you just ask them to move over?"
"But they look tough," I replied, "And the barman hasn't served them yet."

A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late...

The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down.
Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied "sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane.
Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied "No sir, I am Abbey Lane"

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and put a gun to his head. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this — I'm a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

When someone replies late...

If NASA can find a way to send an image of Pluto using that Hubble Space Telescope from 4.67 billion miles then why can't you message me?

My boss phoned me.

"You're late."
I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

After a night out with friends a man comes stumbling home late

He's greeted by his wife looking stern with her arms crossed.
She exclaims "Drunk again!"
He replies "Me too!"

A man goes to the dentist for a check-up

"Uh oh" the dentist says, "looks like your denture plate is eroding a bit. Have you been eating any new foods lately?"
The man thinks for a moment and says "you know, my wife has been using a lot of hollandaise sauce lately. She's been putting it on every dish."
"Ah, that explains it" the dentist replies. "We'll have to make you a new denture plate, but this one will need to be made of chrome."
"Chrome?" The man asks in surprise. "Why chrome?"
"Well, you know what they say", replies the dentist.
"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"

An angry teenager from a Catholic home began dressing as a monk to mock his parents' faith.

When asked by a friend how her son had been, the boy's mother replied, "Well, he's been-a-d**...-teen lately."

A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a 'quarter of 12'.

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.

Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."

Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

As my son tried to sneak in the house late last night

I shouted: "Come in here boy, let me smell your fingers."
"I tell you every time Dad, I don't smoke" he said, "I've been over the park with my girlfriend."
"I know, son" I replied, sniffing deeply, "I know."

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...

..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...

Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"
The wife replies, "you drunk s**..., make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

A man is on his way home from work...

He gets stuck in traffic. So he calls his wife and says "Honey, im stuck in traffic right now, and it doesn't look like it wil be clearing up anytime soon. Im probably gonna be late." So the wife says, "Ok, baby, but be careful. I heard on the news that there is a crazy driver driving on the wrong side of the freeway." The man replies: "One driver? There are hundreds of them!"

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"
and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."
Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

A guy is swerving all over the road late one night

A cop notices this, and promptly pulls him over. The cop asks Why were you swerving like that?! The guy replies Well officer, there were these trees that kept popping out in front of me and I had to keep swerving to avoid them! The officer chuckles and says Sir, that's your car freshener!

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, You aren't so good in bed either! then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

What took you so long to answer? he asked. I was in bed, she replied. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.

A salt truck accidentally dumps salt on a man's car

When the man arrived at work late due to the incident his boss asked, "Why are you late?"
The man replies, "I was as**salt**ed."

A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"
The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

How come your husband always come back early from work?

A woman asked her close friend. My husband is always very late. And because of it, we rarely get to spend some good time together .
Its so easy . Her friend replied. I told him that I will have s**... everyday at 5 pm. It doesn't matter you are home or not .

A jealous boyfriend.

A jealous boyfriend catches his girlfriend whispering quietly into her cell phone very late one night. Are you cheating? her angry boyfriend asks. Is there somebody else? The girlfriend laughs and replies, Do you really think I'd still be dating you if there were someone else?

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

Ben was a fifth grader notorious for his lack of filter.

One day, he walked into class 10 minutes late. "What took you so long, Ben?" asked the teacher. "Sorry miss, there was construction happening in a w**... nearby so all the roads were blocked."
Suddenly, all the girls in the class, disgusted at Ben, rose up to protest against his v**... rhetoric. "Simmer down, you s**...", Ben replied "they are not taking applications yet."

Superpowers....

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?
-
No , she replies sleepily.
-
I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers!
-
Emily replies groans: Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!

I complimented my boss's new car.

He replied, Thanks! You know if you work hard, stay late, and give it 110%.. I can afford an even nicer one next year!

I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ...

she asked "what happened?"
I replied "piston broke",
and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"

A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds
"I'm a h**..., are you interested?"
The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.
Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.
"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"
The man answers "I'm having s**... with my wife"
The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."
The man responds with "Me neither."

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

Testing an Idea

Two men are working together on a late night shift. It's just the two of them.
One of them moans, 'Ugh, kill me now.'
His coworker pulls out a gun, points it at him and says, 'Are you sure?'
Stunned, the man replies, 'You know what, I want to keep living for the time being.'
The coworker asks, 'What made you change your mind?'
The man replies, 'I can always do the other one later.'
Does this work?

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately."

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately." 'Sure.' says the vet. 'First things first, Is it a Tom?' "Nah" he replies "I've got it 'ere wi me"

A police man finds a couple sitting in the park late night.

Suprised , he asks them what they are doing there .
The man replies that they both are married.
' Then why don't you go home and spend some time there together ? ' the cop asked.
The man replies ' Yeah , but who the h**... would convince my wife to allow her ? '

Little Johnny is walking out after church....

he stops and asks the preacher, "What are all these bricks in the side of the building with names engraved in them?"
The pastor replies, "Those bricks and names are all in remembrance of people who died in the service."
"Oh"' Johnny replies..... "was it the early or late service?"

Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world

The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.

A little old lady is late for work

And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't s**... on something from time to time!"

A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.

License and registration the officer says.
No problem replies the motorist.
What are you doing out so late sir? the officer asks.
Just had a late night at work he replies.
Really? What do you do for work? the officer says.
Well...I'm an a**... stretcher he says.
An a**... stretcher?
Yeah, I take a**... and stretch them as far as you want, up to 6 feet
What would anyone do with a six foot a**...?! The office exclaims.
Well, the state gives them a car and puts one at the end of a tunnel!

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."

Mothers day scultpures

Ellis and Chris are up late carving sculptures of a mother holding a baby for their Mothers Day stall.
All of them look the same the only differences are the flowers in the mother's hair.
Chris tells a story to Ellis about his favorite flower and why.
*Ellis rolls his eyes*
Chris: "What's YOUR favorite flower Ellis?"
Ellis sighs, gets up, and walks over to their finished pieces, picks one up and gets a splinter in his thumb.
Ellis puts the sculpture down and looks at Chris.
Chris: "So?"
Ellis turns around and as he walks out of the room he replies:
"Chris...sand the mums."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.