Late Jokes

174 late jokes and hilarious late puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about late that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article looks at the lighter side of being late and examines the humorous aspects of being too late for an appointment, staying up late, waking up late and sleeping late. Discover some of the most iconic late jokes including the classic ones involving blondies. Laugh away your woes and learn why sometimes being late isn't such a bad thing.

Funniest Late Short Jokes

Short late jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The late humour may include short early jokes also.

  1. Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
  2. An electrician comes home late.... Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
    electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."
  3. I bought a sail for my boat on amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
  4. Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
  5. Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
    Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!
  6. I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
  7. fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
  8. Dunno what this WiFi dude did But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurant demanding his freedom lately
  9. Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper Jesus: The what??
    Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.
  10. I've been having hallucinations lately. I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.

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Late One Liners

Which late one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with late? I can suggest the ones about slow and aged.

  1. Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
  2. What did the cannibal get when he was late to the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
  3. What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
  4. I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
  5. I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
  6. A canibal shows up late to a dinner He ended up getting the cold shoulder
  7. I was late to the cannibal party So they gave me the cold shoulder
  8. A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.
  9. Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus
  10. Why do special ed classes always start late Because everyone is a little tardy.
  11. Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late.. ..April fools!"
  12. Why was the broom late for work? Because it over swept.
  13. I didn't know what happiness was until I got married. But by then it was too late.
  14. I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12
  15. What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.

Working Late Jokes

Here is a list of funny working late jokes and even better working late puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
  • I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
  • Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
    Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
    Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
  • A guy shows up late for work The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
    He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
  • Why was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus.
  • Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.
    Boss: What time will you get here?
    Me: Monday.
  • My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.
  • I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
  • I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  • Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.

Late For Work Jokes

Here is a list of funny late for work jokes and even better late for work puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Boss: It's the third time this week you're late for for work. Do you know what it means? It's Wednesday already
  • People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
  • I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work
  • Why was Freddy Krueger late for work? Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.
  • I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay It's got prose and cons.
  • I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
  • I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
  • Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" ..... which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"
  • Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3" It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.
  • Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately? Me: With sarcasm mostly.
    Therapist: Has that been working?
    Me: Yeah it's been super great.
Late joke, Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?

Late Reply Jokes

Here is a list of funny late reply jokes and even better late reply puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.
  • My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week I replied "because it's only Thursday"
  • "Why are you late?" my teacher asked. "My dad's in the hospital," I replied. Seven days later I was still late. Teacher said, "Is your dad still in the hospital?"
    "Yes, he's a doctor."
  • My boss asked why I was already late twice this week "Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.
  • A nun wakes up late for church.... She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"
    He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."
  • A man calls his doctor late at night. "Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do?!" The sleepy M.D replies, "Don't go back to either of them."
  • A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
  • I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately. He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
    I replied, "No, just spots."
  • A guy shows up late for work Off to work
    A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, 'You should've been here at 8.30!' He replies. 'Why? What happened at 8.30?'
  • My boss phoned me. "You're late."
    I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
    "Where are you?"
    "I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

Late Arrival Jokes

Here is a list of funny late arrival jokes and even better late arrival puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
  • So i went to my first fight club gathering I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.
  • It's three weeks late, but the "History of Clocks" book I ordered finally arrived. It's about time.
  • If you arrive fashionably late in crocs... you're just late.
  • My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third. At this rate, he will never be on time.
  • Boss when I arrived late this morning: "You should have been here 3 hours ago!" "Why? What happened?"
  • So a midget is waiting in a doctor's office.... So after a hours of waiting, the doctor arrives.
    Doctor: Sorry I'm late.
    Midget: it's okay, I'm a little patient.
  • Last night I went to a group activity called Fight Club... I arrived late so I didn't hear the rules, but I enjoyed it anyway.
  • A saber-tooth tiger arrives at a cave party Where it's friends had been partying with a bunch of cave-people.
    "I see I'm too late," says the tiger.
    "Yup," says another. "Everyone's eaten"
  • I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ... she asked "what happened?"
    I replied "piston broke",
    and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"

Too Late Jokes

Here is a list of funny too late jokes and even better too late puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I think my wife's cheating on me with my best friend. He's been miserable lately. Poor guy.
  • Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
  • A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
  • "Say NO to drugs" they say... I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
  • My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

    Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
  • Me: Happy Pi day! Her: Aren't you a few days late lol?
    Me: Sorry, I was being irrational
  • I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
  • My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week I told him because it's only Wednesday
  • America has been having a lot of bad luck lately It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
  • A joke my late grandfather told me... Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
Late joke, A joke my late grandfather told me...

Amusing & Witty Late Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about late you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean middle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make late pranks.

I ordered an Asian h**..., she arrived 2 hours late

She loves me wrong time.

3 men are in a Soviet Prison

They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,

but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

My wife said she wanted to have s**... in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?

The cold shoulder

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

I was having s**... with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

A man lost $100 bill

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

i have no shame.

Here's one from Russia

A guy is late for an important meeting but can't find a place to park.
In desperation, he begins to pray.
"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink v**... again!"
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
"Never mind. Found one!"

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

A clown is walking through the woods with a kid

The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared."
Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Doctor, How can I live longer than 100 years?

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
Do you eat too much?
Do you go to bed late?
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder

Late for School

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared

Then it dawned on me....

An asian asks for help at an airport...

Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."
Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."
Asian: "fluck you americans too."

Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

I used to smoke w**... and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a b**... excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

Do you work on weekends?

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?

The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers

The latest reviews for The Room are in...

overall it's got hi marks.

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife

Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

What's the difference between your boss and your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend appreciates when you come late.

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.

Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial

I guess I'm just a late boomer.

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''

A man is walking home late at night.

When he sees a woman in the shadows.
Twenty bucks, she says.
He's never been with a p**... before, but he decides what the h**....
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them— it's a policeman.
What's going on here, people? asks the officer.
I'm making love to my wife, the man answers indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
Well, said the man, to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.

A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.

So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.

Late joke, An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of

jokes about late