She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I also pull out way to late.
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete,"
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, My wife.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"
A person in another room said,Β "How do you know?" The first patient said,Β "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. weΒ΄re gonna be late for supper.
and she wanted me to drive
-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
He said Dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
A cold shoulder.
His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."
I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.
After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".
To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
From under the blanket she sees 4 legs instead of 2. She gets pissed, and grabs a baseball bat, and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she is done, she goes to to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"hi darling" he says,
"your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hi to them?"
The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"Sorry I'm late."
and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Late? Well, here are the best Late dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Late pick up lines to share with friends.