Late Jokes
173 late jokes and hilarious late puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about late that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article looks at the lighter side of being late and examines the humorous aspects of being too late for an appointment, staying up late, waking up late and sleeping late. Discover some of the most iconic late jokes including the classic ones involving blondies. Laugh away your woes and learn why sometimes being late isn't such a bad thing.
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Funniest Late Short Jokes
Short late jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The late humour may include short early jokes also.
- Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
- An electrician comes home late.... Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I." - I bought a sail for my boat on amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late. That sail has shipped.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds! - I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
- fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
- Dunno what this WiFi dude did But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurant demanding his freedom lately
- I've been having hallucinations lately. I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.
- I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
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Late One Liners
Which late one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with late? I can suggest the ones about slow and aged.
- Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
- What did the cannibal get when he was late to the dinner party? The cold shoulder.
- What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.
- I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.
- I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."
- I was late to the cannibal party So they gave me the cold shoulder
- Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus
- Why do special ed classes always start late Because everyone is a little tardy.
- Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late.. ..April fools!"
- Why was the broom late for work? Because it over swept.
- I didn't know what happiness was until I got married. But by then it was too late.
- I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12
- This sub is really disappointing me lately. I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
- Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy? i have no shame.
- I've been having really dark thoughts lately,
Late For Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny late for work jokes and even better late for work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
- Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work - A guy shows up late for work The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" - My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.
- I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
- Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.
- People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
- I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work
- Why was Freddy Krueger late for work? Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.
- I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay It's got prose and cons.
Working Late Jokes
Here is a list of funny working late jokes and even better working late puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
- I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
- Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" ..... ...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"
- Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3" It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.
- Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately? Me: With sarcasm mostly.
Therapist: Has that been working?
Me: Yeah it's been super great. - Why was the entire world late to work today? Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.
- Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden
- why was the computer late to work? because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
- An egg got late to work. He says to his boss: "Sorry boss, Omelette."
- Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy? Just gotta work on the delivery.
Late Reply Jokes
Here is a list of funny late reply jokes and even better late reply puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.
- "Why are you late?" my teacher asked. "My dad's in the hospital," I replied. Seven days later I was still late. Teacher said, "Is your dad still in the hospital?"
"Yes, he's a doctor." - A man calls his doctor late at night. "Doc! My arm got broke in two places! What should I do?!" The sleepy M.D replies, "Don't go back to either of them."
- A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." "...and then it was too late."
- I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately. He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
I replied, "No, just spots." - My boss phoned me. "You're late."
I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied. - New job. A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?" - A football player was late to conditioning practice His coach asked "Why are you late?"
The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning." - After a night out with friends a man comes stumbling home late He's greeted by his wife looking stern with her arms crossed.
She exclaims "Drunk again!"
He replies "Me too!" - I was having trouble with my motorbike so I arrived late at my girl friend's ... she asked "what happened?"
I replied "piston broke",
and she said " I know you are, but what happened?"
Arriving Late Jokes
Here is a list of funny arriving late jokes and even better arriving late puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's three weeks late, but the "History of Clocks" book I ordered finally arrived. It's about time.
- If you arrive fashionably late in crocs... you're just late.
- Boss when I arrived late this morning: "You should have been here 3 hours ago!" "Why? What happened?"
- A saber-tooth tiger arrives at a cave party Where it's friends had been partying with a bunch of cave-people.
"I see I'm too late," says the tiger.
"Yup," says another. "Everyone's eaten" - I didn't arrive on time for the start of the marathon, I was running late.
- What do you call a midget with Down's Syndrome who arrives to class late? A little tardy.
- Short snake The short snake is late . When will he arrive, I do not know, but he won't be long.
- A man arrived to a party fashionably late in Crocs. He was just late.
- Why is Gandalf so good in bed? Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.
- Went to my first fight night yesterday! I arrived late, so I missed the introduction. All the do's and don'ts. But still had a great time. Very brilliant! Highly recommend!
Too Late Jokes
Here is a list of funny too late jokes and even better too late puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think my wife's cheating on me with my best friend. He's been miserable lately. Poor guy.
- Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
- A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- "Say NO to drugs" they say... I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.
- My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician - Me: Happy Pi day! Her: Aren't you a few days late lol?
Me: Sorry, I was being irrational - I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
- My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week I told him because it's only Wednesday
- America has been having a lot of bad luck lately It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
- A joke my late grandfather told me... Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

Amusing & Witty Late Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about late you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean middle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make late pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I ordered an Asian h**..., she arrived 2 hours late
She loves me wrong time.
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got arrested last night for m**......
I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.
The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama?
Because he got Snowden.
Importance of Planning
Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right
Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party
and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said she wanted to have s**... in the backseat of the car
and she wanted me to drive
There was a Jewish businessman
There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...
...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a Muslim kid in my high school and he was notorious for being late
So we called him 9/12
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….
...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
A man lost $100 bill
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.
Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"
Doctor, How can I live longer than 100 years?
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke?
No.
Do you eat too much?
No.
Do you go to bed late?
No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
Late for School
Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."
My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.
"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
Wife calls her scientist husband...
"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."
"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"
"Whats that?"
"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapours of nicotine...
It's 4 or 5 round experiment.. So I will be late."
"Oh dear.. I won't disturb you. Take your time.."
On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..
the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.
Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."
Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."
My friend asked me, "How did you come out?"
In elementary school, someone walked up to me and said, 'Are you gay?'
I said no.
Then he asked, 'Do your parents know you're gay yet?'
Without thinking, I said 'No.'
I tried redacting it, but it was too late.
I was gay.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
You're running around with other women, she charged.
You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...
He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."
What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
I stole this off of Late Night w/Seth Meyers
The latest reviews for The Room are in...
overall it's got hi marks.
An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery
If they're late the delivery ends up cold.
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
What's the difference between your boss and your girlfriend?
Your girlfriend appreciates when you come late.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die
Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.
I ran my car into a pole late last night
The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my kid baptized yesterday
Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins?
Me: I do.
Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and life everlasting?
Me: I do
Priest: Do you hereby indemnify and hold harmless the Catholic church for any s**... misconduct to you and your family for ever and ever amen?
Me: I do--- wait! Hold on!
Priest: Too late! You said it!
It's like what my late father used to always say
"Stop telling people I died!"
Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial
I guess I'm just a late boomer.
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.
Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.
'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking home late at night.
When he sees a woman in the shadows.
Twenty bucks, she says.
He's never been with a p**... before, but he decides what the h**....
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them— it's a policeman.
What's going on here, people? asks the officer.
I'm making love to my wife, the man answers indignantly.
Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
Well, said the man, to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

