Late For Work Jokes
105 late for work jokes and hilarious late for work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about late for work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Late For Work Short Jokes
Short late for work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The late for work humour may include short running late jokes also.
- Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
- I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said dream on. I think that was really nice of him.
- I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato... ...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".
- Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work - A guy shows up late for work The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" - My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.
- I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.
- I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay It's got prose and cons.
- I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
- Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" ..... ...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"
Share These Late For Work Jokes With Friends
Late For Work One Liners
Which late for work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with late for work? I can suggest the ones about working late and arriving late.
- Why was the broom late for work? Because it over swept.
- Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surface, to be counter productive.
- People say I'm killing it at work lately Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
- I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work
- Why was Freddy Krueger late for work? Cause traffic is a nightmare on Elm Street.
- I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
- Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden
- An egg got late to work. He says to his boss: "Sorry boss, Omelette."
- Have you heard the one about the late pizza guy? Just gotta work on the delivery.
- Why is R late for work? Because there's a Q-ueue before him.
- Why was the chef late to work? He ran out of thyme
- Why is a stormtrooper always late for work? Because they keep missing the bus
- Why was the guitar late for work? He got caught in a jam.
- Why is stormtrooper always late from work? He keeps missing his train
- A mortician died in a small town He showed up to work late
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Late For Work Jokes
What funny jokes about late for work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean late arrival jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make late for work pranks.
Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
The tomato is late for work...
and his boss comes up to him and says, "Get to work! You have a lot to ketchup"
why was the computer late to work?
because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)
Old joke from East Germany.
Three guys work at a factory:
1st guy comes 5 minutes too late for work. Gets arrested for sabotage.
2nd guy comes 5 minutes too early for work. Gets arrested for espionage.
3rd guy comes to work on time. Gets arrested for possessing a West-Uhr. (a watch from the west)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jim and his s**... life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...
"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
A guy I work with was late for our meeting, so I asked what happened.
He said, My wife and I aren't talking to each other. We're giving each other the silent treatment, and I didn't want to be the first one to break the silence and lose. So I wrote a note on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me up at 7:30am.'
Well, I didn't wake up until 9:30am. Boy, was I mad that my wife didn't wake me up. Then I noticed a piece of paper on my pillow that said: 'It's 7:30am. Wake up.'
New job.
A nigerian man got a job at US, on his first day he shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You
should have been here at 8.30!" The man replies,
"Why? What happened at 8.30?"
A dad puts his little girl to sleep...
And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".
The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.
The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.
The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!
Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.
He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says
Wife :: Why were you at work so late?
Husband :: I had a terrible day..
Wife :: What happened?
Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.
Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!
Edit : Formatting
Being late to come home after work yet again husband calls his wife.
He says to her: Listen I am really sorry, I know I'm already late to come home. Do you remember that jewelry store we went to the other day?
The wife says: Yes!!
Husband: Well, I'm at the bar right across from it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"
Why did the man from Boston show up late to work with no pants on?
He couldn't find his khakis or his khakis.
Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.
Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.
"What do you want?" he asks.
His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy noticed his friend was late for work...
"Where have you been?" he asked.
"To my mother-in-law's burial."
"Then why the scratches on your face?"
"She kept resisting, that old f**...."
During the summer, a kid started a yard work business....
...After several weeks his mother noticed he was becoming more and more depressed. She asked her son, "why are you so blue lately, your business is doing great"?
The son replied, "Mow money mow problems".
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was h**... late for work?
He tried driving a new route to work, but instead of taking the second left, he took the third r**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work?
Because 7,8,9
Got late on my first day at work, blamed it on Rush Hour. Got late on the 2nd day,
Blamed it on Rush Hour 2
Son - I'm late for work, can you call me a cab?
Dad - I don't know how that helps but
You're a cab.
"Better late than never" works with any situation
Though not as much with funerals
My wife and I were having an argument the other day.
She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.
A few hours later at work, I felt terrible about what i had said, so I called her to apologize and I asked her, "What are you doing?"
And she said, "I'm in bed."
So i said, "What are you doing this late in bed?"
And she said, "Getting a second opinion."
I was working with a Russian...
... we were running late but he wasn't russian enough, so I told him there's no time for stalin, but he was just lenin it be.
Do you work on weekends?
My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."
A woman calls her husband one day...
A woman calls her husband one day to see why he's late coming home from work.
"Well honey, you know that jewelry place we stopped by that one time, where you saw that necklace that you said you liked more than anything you'd ever seen before?"
"Yes?"
"Yeah... I'm at a bar across the street from there."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, You aren't so good in bed either! then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
What took you so long to answer? he asked. I was in bed, she replied. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
Boss tells his secretary:
\- Loise, it's the fifth time that you are late for work this week! What does that mean?!?
\- It means that it's Friday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How come your husband always come back early from work?
A woman asked her close friend. My husband is always very late. And because of it, we rarely get to spend some good time together .
Its so easy . Her friend replied. I told him that I will have s**... everyday at 5 pm. It doesn't matter you are home or not .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work at Ben & j**...'s, often late at night, but never get robbed.
Because ice cream.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"
I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues. Maybe it's not too late.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...
I had this d**... whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attached some wheels to his belly and pushed him out the door and back into the ocean and this time it worked wheely whale.
Little Johnny is in Catholic School
The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"
The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"
"Yes, I become a mother."
"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"
"In 9 months."
My boss is mad that I was late to work today
I guess having a flat tire isn't a good excuse when you work from home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
Therapist: How have you been coping with everything lately?
Me: With sarcasm mostly.
Therapist: Has that been working?
Me: Yeah it's been super great.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this s**...!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little old lady is late for work
And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't s**... on something from time to time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.
License and registration the officer says.
No problem replies the motorist.
What are you doing out so late sir? the officer asks.
Just had a late night at work he replies.
Really? What do you do for work? the officer says.
Well...I'm an a**... stretcher he says.
An a**... stretcher?
Yeah, I take a**... and stretch them as far as you want, up to 6 feet
What would anyone do with a six foot a**...?! The office exclaims.
Well, the state gives them a car and puts one at the end of a tunnel!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mother Russia
In Soviet Russia, if you arrive to work late, you're shot for being lazy and leeching off the work of your peers.
If you arrive to work early, you are shot for trying to show up the work of peers and appear better than them.
If you arrive to work on time, you are shot for having a foreign watch.
A student is late for a zoom class...
"What took you so long?" the teacher asks.
"Technical difficulties" the student answers.
"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?"
"My clock"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was woken late last night about 3am
By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
I said, f**... off dave, I've got work in the morning'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...
Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Zack late to his work
Zach's boss was super p**... as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.
After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.
Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.
Zack - Can you bring peace between Israel and Palestine?
Genie - That's not possible. Sorry you got to ask another wish.
Zack - Can you please explain me the benefit of daylight savings time?
Genie - Ahhh... Ok, I will call Netanyahu
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbles. "They misspelled my name!"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.
A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."
So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"
Dead funny
Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetary. Hearing a tapping sound, he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits.
Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.
"Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man.
"You gave me a fright of my life! Why are you working so late?"
"The spelled my name wrong."
Ooops
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
I didn't see the end of that one coming....Bwaahaa!
My first day at the casino I was late for work, my boss yelled at me, and they put me at a Blackjack table with no cards.
I looked at all the players and said "I can't deal with this. "
A Second Opinion
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You aren't so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer?
I was in bed. What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion.
Why was the entire world late to work today?
Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.
A worrying LOTR addiction
Lately I've been watching a *lot* of Lord of the Rings. It started with watching the original versions after work to de-stress. Then I moved on to sneaking the Extended Editions. Recently, I started secretly hoarding the Director's cut versions. I think I may have a problem.
It's becoming hobbitual
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was a dark night in the cemetery..
..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old gravestone and saw a man tapping away at the front of the stone. Trying to hide his relief, Eric said, "You're up late on a cold windy night!" "Yes", said the man. "You always work this late?" said Eric. "Not normally", replied the man, "But the b**... spelt my name wrong!"
