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Lasts Jokes

76 lasts jokes and hilarious lasts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lasts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lasts Short Jokes

Short lasts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lasts humour may include short lasted jokes also.

  1. Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
  2. Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg
  3. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
  4. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  5. I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
  6. My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
  7. My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
    No, I'm not, I laughed.
    She said, I'm talking to the kids.
  8. I heard my son say his first words to me today... "where have you been the last 20 years?"
  9. I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
  10. Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

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Lasts One Liners

Which lasts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lasts? I can suggest the ones about lasted longer than and longest lasting.

  1. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
  2. Last night I was attacked by a gang of mime. They did unspeakable things to me.
  3. A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof
  4. When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
  5. Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
  6. I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
  7. My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
  8. A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
  9. TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
  10. Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time. 1
  11. The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn
  12. My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
  13. What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
  14. Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
  15. My dentist asked me the last time I flossed I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

Lasts joke, My dentist asked me the last time I flossed

Hilarious Fun Lasts Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about lasts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean waits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lasts pranks.

What's Resurrection?

There was a man teaching the children's Sunday school class, and his lesson was on resurrection. The man asks the kids if they know what the word resurrection means.
After a long silence a little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says "Well I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, you have to go see a doctor."

What only lasts 40 seconds for men and leaves them hot and sweaty?

A bowl of Ramen Noodles

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

A priest asks a little girl what she knows about the resurrection

She says "I don't know much other than that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"

So a man dies and goes to Heaven...

In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?

That's nuts, right?

Types of salaries

* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying
* The d**... salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it
* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence
* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't
* The period salary - comes once a month and lasts for 4 days
* The impotent salary - when you need it the most, it lets you down

The Italian spy

A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."

The instructions said if my e**... lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...

My calculus professor was no help at all.

What do you call a chef who only lasts as long as his recipe cook times?

Ephemeral Lagassi

How is your first car and first relationship similar?

Both need money and time to keep it working, and after all, it only lasts you a year.

Resurrection day

Children at Sunday school were asked what resurrection meant. One boy replied, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor." Happy Easter!

Sometimes peeing feels better than s**....

It lasts longer too.

My wife gets kind of b**... once a month.

It usually lasts about 30 days.

What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days?

Her husband's salary.

What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube?

My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.

Why is Hillary better than a p**...?

Hillary will be whatever you want her to be for a whole campaign, a p**... only lasts 30 minutes.

I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results...

But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."

A h**... and a priest walk into a spaceship...

It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.

Drunk s**... is like a WNBA game.

It lasts 2 hours and nobody comes.

Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?

iDoubtit

In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity.

It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.

Cooking is great

You create something that only lasts a few seconds, but the memory last a lifetime.
Like a stillbirth

Why are Asian democracies so efficient?

Because everyone knows it's bad for you if an e**... lasts more than four hours.

a day on saturn lasts 10 hours

just like saturday and sunday on earth.

What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever?

Infini-tea.

Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"?

Because it lasts forever.

Love is like fire ...

It only lasts while the wood doesn't burn.

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?
5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

What's the difference between h**... and love?

h**... lasts forever.
Happy Valentine's y'all!

It's weird, sometimes s**... lasts for like 2 minutes.

And at other times it's over so fast.

I was always told life is like a box of chocolates..

The fatter you are, the shorter it lasts.

I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone

That's why I drive a h**...

One day on Mercury lasts aproximately 1408 hours

The same as one Monday on earth

Fireworks remind me of s**.....

I'm always surprised when it lasts more than a few seconds.

Which lasts longer?

...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?

What do you call a smell that lasts for a very long time?

Eon Musk.

My s**... life is like the eclipse.

It doesnt happen often and only lasts a minute or so.

As an introvert I've always wanted to star in a sitcom

Most of your social interaction occurs with the people you live with and lasts about 21 minutes a day.

What happens to women every month and lasts 5-6 days?

Their husband's salary.

I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.

The battery charge alone lasts five years.

America is now invading Israel!

They found out that their oil lasts 8 days instead of 1

This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins

and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.

Don't buy the Fortnite battle pass

It only lasts two weeks

A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding

He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet."

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

R. Kelly has made a song denying any s**... misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

You know what's great about a noose?

It lasts a lifetime.

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

What is the sturdiest building?

A gallow, it lasts many life times.

A guy's girlfriend

A guy's girlfriend asked him to buy her some Juicy Fruit.
He said; "It only lasts for a few seconds."
She said; "Oh, like you did last night?"

What does a Spanish person call a banana that lasts a year?

Una plātaño

What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?

Three Days Grace

Son asks his parents a question.

Son: What is an "inside" joke?
Father: You. I came *inside* your mother that night.
Mother: I have a better one! Its the time your father lasts *inside* me.

One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours

The same as one Monday on Earth

The best part of getting covid

Milk lasts longer

I hate Pi day

Seems like it lasts forever…

I'm convinced COVID couldn't have come from China…

Nothing from China lasts 2 years

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter

The Sunday school teacher said "Today is all about the resurrection, does anyone know what that is?"
Little Johnny raises his hand....
"I do! And if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to call a doctor!"

Lasts joke, Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter

jokes about lasts