Lasts Jokes
74 lasts jokes and hilarious lasts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lasts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lasts Short Jokes
Short lasts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lasts humour may include short lasted longer than jokes also.
- Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
- My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - I heard my son say his first words to me today... "where have you been the last 20 years?"
- I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
- Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper? Jesus: the what?
Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?
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Lasts One Liners
Which lasts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lasts? I can suggest the ones about longest lasting and lives.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- Last night I was attacked by a gang of mime. They did unspeakable things to me.
- A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof
- When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
- Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
- I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
- My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
- A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
- TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time. 1
- My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
- Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
- My dentist asked me the last time I flossed I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."
- I dreamt about a horse last night. It turned out to be a night mare.
- A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him, that's the last thing I need.
Hilarious Fun Lasts Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about lasts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean remains jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lasts pranks.
What only lasts 40 seconds for men and leaves them hot and sweaty?
A bowl of Ramen Noodles
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy
A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males employed here. Sir, how can I help you? I am a pharmacist & I will be professional."
The man pondered over this & then said, "Well. OK. Every day, I have an e**... that lasts for 3 hours. I don't take any pills. It's just a natural occurrence. What can you give me for it?"
The pharmacist thought about it for a moment, then said, "Let me call my sister. Wait right here." She came back a few minutes later & said, "Here's what we can offer you: 1/3 ownership of the store, a company truck, a king size waterbed, & $3000/month living expenses."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
A priest asks a little girl what she knows about the resurrection
She says "I don't know much other than that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"
Entropy....
Enjoy it while it lasts!
So a man dies and goes to Heaven...
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?
That's nuts, right?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Types of salaries
* The onion salary - the moment you touch it, you start crying
* The d**... salary - it doesn't help you at all, it makes you suffer, but you can't live without it
* The agnostic salary - you doubt its existence
* The magic salary - now you see it, now you don't
* The period salary - comes once a month and lasts for 4 days
* The impotent salary - when you need it the most, it lets you down
The Italian spy
A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The instructions said if my e**... lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...
My calculus professor was no help at all.
What do you call a chef who only lasts as long as his recipe cook times?
Ephemeral Lagassi
How is your first car and first relationship similar?
Both need money and time to keep it working, and after all, it only lasts you a year.
Resurrection day
Children at Sunday school were asked what resurrection meant. One boy replied, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than 4 hours you should call a doctor." Happy Easter!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i imagine having s**... with bill cosby is alot like a Ronda rousey fight.
it's terrifying, some poor girl ends up being unconscious, and it only lasts about 30 seconds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes peeing feels better than s**....
It lasts longer too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife gets kind of b**... once a month.
It usually lasts about 30 days.
What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days?
Her husband's salary.
What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube?
My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Hillary better than a p**...?
Hillary will be whatever you want her to be for a whole campaign, a p**... only lasts 30 minutes.
I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results...
But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... and a priest walk into a spaceship...
It lasts for 1 season and a movie and everyone throws a fit when it won't come back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drunk s**... is like a WNBA game.
It lasts 2 hours and nobody comes.
Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years?
iDoubtit
In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity.
It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks.
Cooking is great
You create something that only lasts a few seconds, but the memory last a lifetime.
Like a stillbirth
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Asian democracies so efficient?
Because everyone knows it's bad for you if an e**... lasts more than four hours.
a day on saturn lasts 10 hours
just like saturday and sunday on earth.
What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever?
Infini-tea.
Why is there no "Lets settle this like women"?
Because it lasts forever.
Love is like fire ...
It only lasts while the wood doesn't burn.
5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?
Mother: No honey?
5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Inbox Zero is like s**...:
It feels great but only lasts 30 seconds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's weird, sometimes s**... lasts for like 2 minutes.
And at other times it's over so fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone
That's why I drive a h**...
One day on Mercury lasts aproximately 1408 hours
The same as one Monday on earth
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fireworks remind me of s**.....
I'm always surprised when it lasts more than a few seconds.
Which lasts longer?
...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?
What do you call a smell that lasts for a very long time?
Eon Musk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My s**... life is like the eclipse.
It doesnt happen often and only lasts a minute or so.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The solar eclipse is the most exciting thing in my entire life!
Because it lasts longer my s**... life...
As an introvert I've always wanted to star in a sitcom
Most of your social interaction occurs with the people you live with and lasts about 21 minutes a day.
What happens to women every month and lasts 5-6 days?
Their husband's salary.
I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.
The battery charge alone lasts five years.
This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins
and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.
Don't buy the Fortnite battle pass
It only lasts two weeks
A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding
He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"
What does a woman get that lasts 5 days?
her paycheck
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
R. Kelly has made a song denying any s**... misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.
Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.
You know what's great about a noose?
It lasts a lifetime.
Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."
I am going to become a comedian for goldfish.
Just need one joke that lasts 7 seconds.
A guy's girlfriend
A guy's girlfriend asked him to buy her some Juicy Fruit.
He said; "It only lasts for a few seconds."
She said; "Oh, like you did last night?"
What does a Spanish person call a banana that lasts a year?
Una plātaño
What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?
Three Days Grace
One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours
The same as one Monday on Earth
The best part of getting covid
Milk lasts longer
I hate Pi day
Seems like it lasts forever…
Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter
The Sunday school teacher said "Today is all about the resurrection, does anyone know what that is?"
Little Johnny raises his hand....
"I do! And if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to call a doctor!"
