Lastly Jokes

40 lastly jokes and hilarious lastly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lastly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lastly Short Jokes

Short lastly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lastly humour may include short eventually jokes also.

  1. Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
  2. Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg
  3. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
  4. My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
  5. I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
  6. My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
  7. My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
    No, I'm not, I laughed.
    She said, I'm talking to the kids.
  8. I heard my son say his first words to me today... "where have you been the last 20 years?"
  9. I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
  10. Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

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Lastly One Liners

Which lastly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lastly? I can suggest the ones about final moments and last minute.

  1. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
  2. Last night I was attacked by a gang of mime. They did unspeakable things to me.
  3. A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof
  4. When you die what body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate
  5. Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
  6. I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
  7. My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
  8. A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
  9. TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
  10. Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time. 1
  11. The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn
  12. My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
  13. What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
  14. Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
  15. My dentist asked me the last time I flossed I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

Lastly joke, My dentist asked me the last time I flossed

Hilarious Lastly Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about lastly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean briefly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lastly pranks.

So my wife said "take off my shirt".

So I did as she said and took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her shoes.
"Now my hose, bra, and p**...." And lastly, I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

The 4 rules of marriage.

A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Lastly, the chemist looks out over the ocean and says "I have come to a conclusion, physicists and biologists are soluble in water!"

Another Pirate joke?

Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:
Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"
Usually people get the "Rrrr"
Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"
Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"
and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"
At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply
"No it's the Navy s**...!"

A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies

At the f**..., the doctor says to his two friends, Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial. So the other two agree to do this.
The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 bill on the body. Next the dentist does the same thing.
Lastly, the lawyer goes up to the coffin, and after paying his last respect, picks up the two $100 bills and leaves a check for $300.

There was three brothers: Little Tear, Little Feather and Little Brick

One day, Little Tear asked their mom:
— Mommy, why I'm called 'Little Tear'?
Then Mom said:
— That's because when you were born, a tear dropped in your head.
So Little Feather asked:
— And why I'm called like that?
— That's because a feather fell on your head when you were born, son.
Lastly, Little Brick asked:

A word of thanks

I'd like to thank my eyes for showing me the light...
I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me...
And lastly, I'd like to thank my spine, for always having my back

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

A man finds a Genie in a bottle

The genie says everything he gets his wife gets double
First he asks for 1 million dollars his wife gets 2 million
Then he asks for a billion dollar mansion his wife gets 2 billion dollar mansions
Lastly he asks to get beat half to death

A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

I'm sorry, Sir, we're out of chocolate.
Oh, that's too bad. I'll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.
I'm sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we're out of chocolate.
How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?
Let me ask you something. How do you spell the 'van' in 'vanilla'?
OK! We're on the same page! And how do you spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?
Right, and lastly, how do you spell the f**...' in 'chocolate'?
There is no f**...' in 'chocolate'.

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black and says:
- Will you dance with me, lady?
- No and for three reasons.
- And what are the reasons?
With a very serious look on her face she says:
- Firstly you're drunk in a f**..., secondly you don't dance during the Nacional anthem and lastly I'm not a lady, I'm the priest.

An Englishman, an Scotsman and an Irishman...

are by a slide when a genie appears.
He grants the three men a wish each, as long as they say the wish going down the slide, in which they land in it.
So the Englishman goes first. As he's going down he says Money! And he lands in a p**... of money.
The Scotsman goes next. He slides down and he shouts n**... women! And he lands in a p**... of n**... women.
Lastly, it's Irishman's turn. He pushes himself down the slide and screams Weeeee!

How do you catch a bear?

First, dig a large bear-sized hole. Then, burn up some paper and fill the hole with ash. Lastly, kick the bear in the ash-hole.

An Interview

Chunnu : How was your interview?
Munnu : It went good, but lastly they asked me show them my testimonial.
Chunnu : So?
Munnu : I think I showed them the wrong thing.

my wife had a tantrum while we was playing scramble,

She threw a G at me,
then a N
followed by a B
and lastly the A hit me in the forehead.
I thought to my self thats bang out of order.

6 things should be common in a Girl and Tea.

Should be hot.
should be strong.
should be sweet.
adequate milk.
should be ready in 5 minutes.
And lastly, won't let you sleep whole night :)

Little Johnny was in Spanish Class one day...

The teacher said, "Okay, class, tell me a sentence that has to do with Nicaragua."
The teacher calls on Mary Lou. "The flag of Nicaragua has white and blue stripes, with a coat of arms in the middle."
The teacher calls on Jason next. "Nicaragua is located in Central America, with 6 other countries."
Lastly, the teacher calls on Little Johnny. "When I saw a Black Mexican on the street yesterday dying of thirst, his brother was constantly pleading people to get that Nicaragua."

Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.
The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.
The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in it. With two swipes of his blade, the fly fell down, cut in four.
Lastly, the Jewish samurai went. He opened the last box with a fly in it. He swiped once, but the fly still flew.
What was that? The fly is still alive
Of course! The purpose of circumcision is not to kill...

A father is lying on his death bed...

A father is lying on his death bed with his three sons and wife surrounding him. He says to the first son, Now that I'm passing I want you to take all the houses I have on the east side of Main Street.
He points to the second son and says, And you will have all the houses on the west side of Main Street.
Lastly he points to the third son and says, You will have the entire apartment complex at the end of the Main Street.
The nurse, having overheard the conversation, leans into the wife and says, Wow, your husband must have been a hugely successful person.
The wife responds, oh yeah, a *real* success. The j**... is talking about his paper route.

God offers the ten commandments

God went to the Arabs and said: "I have Commandments that'll make your lives better."
The Arabs asked: "What are they, can you give us an example?"
God said: "Thou shall not kill."
The Arab were shocked and refused Gods offering
So he went to the Mexicans and said: "I have commandments that'll make your lives better."
When asked for an example God said: "Thou shall not steal."
The Mexicans were insulted and refused.
Lastly, God went to the Jews: "I have Co..."
Before he could finish the Jews blasted out: "HOW MUCH DO THEY COST??"
God replied: "Nothing, they're free."
The Jews answered: "Good, we shall take ten!"

Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph h**...."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-h**...?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"

A man wants to cross a bridge...

...but a knight won't let him unless he answers three questions correctly but with each wrong answer, the knight promises to cut off parts of his body. The man agrees. The first question is incorrect and the knight chops off his arms. Likewise, the second question is incorrect and the legs were sliced off. Lastly, he answers the third one incorrectly and off his head goes when the knight separates it from its torso.
"Shall we have a fourth question?" Asked the knight.
The man replied, "I should quit while I'm a head."

Three man in a sinking ship. .

One was an Arab, Another one was a Mexican and the last one was American.
They were exporting goods from all around the world but the ship needs to unload some of the goods.
The Arab threw out drums of oil, he said: "No worries, we're rich in oil, we have lots in our country."
Next, the Mexican threw away fresh produce of different kinds of peppers, he said: "No problem, I'll get more, we have a lot of that in our country."
Lastly, the American. Confused, he grabbed the arm and leg of the Mexican and threw him out of the ship.
Go figure.

Magical Mirror

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - p**...! - it swallows you up for eternity.
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" p**...! - the mirror swallows her up and she's gone for eternity.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" p**... - now she's gone too.
Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" - p**...!

Lastly joke, Magical Mirror