Lasting Longer Jokes

120 lasting longer jokes and hilarious lasting longer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lasting longer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lasting Longer Short Jokes

Short lasting longer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lasting longer humour may include short longer jokes also.

  1. How many of Trump's cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb? I dunno, none of them have lasted longer than a light bulb.
  2. My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis...
  3. What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
  4. Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks? It didn't last longer than the pilot
  5. FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.
    No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
  6. My wife asked me to get something that would give me bigger, harder, longer lasting erections. Apparently she didn't mean "a 23-year-old girlfriend".
  7. I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water. Take a pitcher it will last longer
  8. Last night my wife told me, "That was entertaining. I wish it was longer..." "Now I have to wait another year until stranger things season 3"
  9. What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube? My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.
  10. Why do hospitals have air conditioning that makes it so cold? It's because vegetables last longer when kept chilled.

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Lasting Longer One Liners

Which lasting longer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lasting longer? I can suggest the ones about longest lasting and lasted longer than.

  1. Don't stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it'll last longer
  2. The best part of getting covid Milk lasts longer
  3. Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm
  4. LPT: How to last longer in bed Don't set an alarm.
  5. I wish I lasted longer in bed Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived
  6. Try this one trick to last longer in bed! Throw out your alarm clock.
  7. I crashed a party last night I'm no longer a party-bus driver
  8. Which lasts longer? ...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?
  9. [Dark] You know why the youtube shooting lasted longer than 10 minutes? Ad revenue
  10. Humans are like candles... they last longer if you don't ignite them.
  11. Those who sleep more... ...last longer in bed.
  12. How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last? Longer than you think.
  13. Troy Barnes no longer visits motels. The last room didn't have Abed.
  14. My girlfriend calls me Duracell Because I last up to 10 times longer
  15. Nice guys finish last Which means I last longer in bed ;)

Lasting Longer Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lasting longer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lasting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lasting longer pranks.

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to c**... so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to c**... so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

Genuine advert. In New York Newspaper
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!
They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.
You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don’t mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

At a bar

"Bartender, gimme a pint. It's been a long day."
"Take a pitcher, mate, it'll last longer."

An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

At the drop of a hat

I recently had s**... with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird f**...."

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his way to the top floor, after quickly rushing through a sea of flames and sprinting past an inferno that was fueled by the skeleton of what used to be a staircase. Upon finding a beautiful young lady upstairs, seemingly his own age, he exclaimed, "come quick! The roof won't last much longer! We've got to go!" She revealed that her ankle was hurt and she told him he had to carry her. He hoisted her up, carried her towards the front door and tells her, "you know, you're the first pregnant girl I've ever rescued." The young lady was surprised and somewhat offended at this, replying, "but I'm not pregnant?" And the fireman, with a wink, suavely replied, "well you're not rescued yet."

One of my favourite jokes. Might take a minute to sink in...

I saw a guy having an epileptic fit in a nightclub. Everyone was just standing around watching, pointing at him and talking about it. "Look!! That guy's having a fit!!" etc...
I said "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."

God decides it's time for a vacation... he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

try the chili

A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I was really looking forward to the chili." After the waitress leaves he looks over and notices the other guy's bowl is totally full and he's not even touching it. So he leans over and say," hey I noticed you haven't eaten much of that chili, you mind if I have some?"
The guy responds, " sure, have the whole thing."
So the man takes the bowl and starts chowing down. He gets about halfway when his spoon hits something hard. He looks in the bowl and sees a dead mouse and he pukes the chili back up in the bowl. Then the other guy leans over and says, " that's about as far as I got too."

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Old couple at the carnival

An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride.
He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars".
Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home.
A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it.
He says to Janice "honey I've wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go"?
Janice says to him "John I'll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars".
This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution.
He says to John and Janice "I'll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I'll charge ten dollars".
Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk.
When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John "what happened to Janice"? John then exclaims "she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride ". "well why didn't you say anything"? Asks the pilot.
And without missing a beat John says "well ten dollars is ten dollars".

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."
She recieved a generous round of applause.
Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."
She, too, recieved a round of applause.
Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

4 Hour Erections

I walked into a pharmacy, went to the back, and asked the woman at the counter if I could speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman told me that she was the only pharmacist, and that as she and her sister own the business, the were no male employees. She also assured me, however, that she was very professional, and whatever my issue, I could feel confident that I could discuss it with her, without fear of judgement or embarrassment.
Reluctantly, I agreed. I told her that, every day, I get an e**... that lasts longer than 4 hours. Not only is it inconvenient, but it is also embarrassing, and I asked what she could give me for it.
The pharmacist thought for a moment, then asked me to wait a minute while she went to check on something.
She came back a few minutes later and said, "I discussed it with my sister, and the best we can do is 1/3rd of the business, a king sized bed, and $3000/month in living expenses!"

There was a contest to see who can...

...stand in a room with a decaying goat carcass the longest. There were 4 contestants representing their respective countries: an American, an Englishman, a Russian and a Chinese man.
The contest was held in front of a capacity crowd of 500,000 people of different nationalities and all walks of life. The minimum time was 5 hours and the goat carcass has been in that room for 2 weeks, without any proper ventilation.
The American went in first and was able to stay for 1 hour and 12 minutes. The Englishman went in and stayed for a bit longer, 1 hour and 15 minutes. The Russian beat them both with 2 hours and 35 minutes. The Chinese man went in and retreated after 27 minutes. The judges were hoping for someone to at least last the 5 hours so they asked for random volunteers from the audience. And Indian man stood up and accepted the challenge.
The Indian man went in the room and after a few seconds, the goat went out of the room.

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than s**...?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a h**....

A blonde was on a jet...

...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."
Soon after he came on again: "Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine has failed, but there's no cause for alarm. We will, however, be arriving one hour late."
A while later he announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is no longer working. No need to panic, but we'll be arriving two hours later than scheduled."
The blonde's seatmate turned to her and said, "Oh, dear, I do hope that last engine doesn't go out."
"You and me both," said the blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"

3 Nuns

Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about.
Sister Veronica said, "When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, "and this wide!" she said as she held her hands in a circle. "I had trouble eating one!" she said as she motioned biting down on a banana.
Sister Trudy was leaning further in the aisle, trying to tune in to the conversation of the other two nuns.
Sister Frances then said, "When I was in Florida last year, they had the hugest oranges I have ever seen." She held her palms upturned as if to hold two large oranges. "They were this big!"
Sister Trudy could no longer stand it and shouted out, "Father who????!!!"

Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?

That's nuts, right?

God decided to visit Earth... He traveled from Heaven to the big city. He walked down the street until he came upon a beggar sitting against a wall, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God.
"I've been overtaken with a crippling disease and I can no longer walk" replied the man.
However, God took pity on the beggar and cured him with a snap of the fingers. The beggar stood up and ran down the street, laughing with joy.
Ambling down the road, God spies another man sitting on the curb, crying.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God again.
"Well," said the wretch, "Last week a p**... fell on my head and I was struck blind."
With another snap of his fingers God granted sight to the man, who thanked Him profusely before walking away.
Continuing down the boulevard God spotted yet a third man sitting on the curb, weeping to himself.
"What ails you, my son?" asked God?
"Well, sir," said the man, "I am a high school chorus teacher."
And the Lord sat down and wept with him.

Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.

A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"

They call me duracell

I last 10x longer than other guys

A statistician is on an airplane...

when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't worry folks, we've still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We're about 6 hours out now."
However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says "we've lost another engine, but we're still in the air, but we've slowed down a bit. It's going to take us 8 hours to get there now."
However, luck was not with them, and a third engine dies. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't panic, we can still fly with only one engine, but it's going to take us 12 hours to get there."
The statistician turns to his neighbor and says "I hope that last engine doesn't go out, or it's going to take us forever to get there!"

Does anyone know the answer to the riddle that asks, "Is is colder on the farm or in the Winter? Which is longer, a rope?"

Does anyone know the answer to the riddle that asks, "Is is colder on the farm or in the Winter? Which is longer, a rope?" I have been trying to get this for the last month or so. There are a ton of clues that I can give for it, but I still can't come up with the right answer. I think it's one of those anti-joke riddles where the answer is something so obvious it lacks a c**....

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."
The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."
The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."

Some guy ordered a glass of coke.

I told him to take a pitcher, it'll last longer.

The instructions said if my e**... lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...

My calculus professor was no help at all.

Late last night I was trying to summon a d**....

After many hours in my basement drawing pentagrams, chanting voodoo and performing spiritual dance I had failed to conjure any demons from the dark depths of Hades.
Defeat was in my mind and I had no choice but to admit the ways of old no longer held any sway with the dark lord. I reluctantly slid the Iphone from my bathrobe's inner pocket and activated the voice command:
"Siri, would you please summon me the darkest, most malevolent d**... that Satan himself would be pleased with."
Siri:"Ok, Contacting Comcast Customer Support"

3 Women sitting in a café.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

Finally had a baby

A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't see it till it cries." Now they were really confused, but they stayed a bit longer. As they were preparing to leave, they asked one last time, and again the answer was, "You can't see it till it cries." "Well, why is that?" "Because I don't remember where I put it down."

Sometimes peeing feels better than s**....

It lasts longer too.

A man contemplates if it's worth m**... now so he can last longer in bed later.

It will come in handy.

Roller coasters are like your first time having s**....

for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.

My wife complains I can't last longer than 21 seconds without collapsing.

Well at least I last longer than Aldo.

I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results...

But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."

As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture...

it'll last longer."

What's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element?

Radioactive elements last longer.

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer.

A bad lawyer can make a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Old jews telling jokes

Two old Jews Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says:
"Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"
Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can share the money. Shmuel waits for much longer than he expected, he is waiting outside for hours. At last, Moshe comes out and Shmuel says:
"Finally! I at least hope you got the $50 after all that."
Moshe says, "What *is* it about you people and money?"

What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common?

Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a w**....

Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."

my first time having s**... was like the Holocaust

I just wish it would have lasted longer

I got bit by my dog last night so I had to dog-proof my bedroom.

My wife no longer sleeps with me.

My girlfriend left me because I couldn't last longer than 10 seconds in bed.

She just couldn't overlook my shortcomings.

A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:
"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."
The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".

My wife and I had a competition of who could hold their breath longer under water.

I lasted a minute, but my wife has been down there for ten years and counting.

An obese woman walked by me and winked.

I shirked, so she gyrated and told me to "take a picture it will last longer."
I retorted, "I don't doubt it."

I wish you had lasted longer.

One of the things you can say both during s**... and during f**....

The solar eclipse is the most exciting thing in my entire life!

Because it lasts longer my s**... life...

My girlfriend thinks Conor Mcgregor and I are the same.

Boy did he proved her wrong last night. Lasted way longer than 90 seconds.


I'm no longer a v**.... Last night I finally had s**... for my first time! I experienced a m**...! We performed great, all three of us: Me, Myself, and I.

Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

Thanks to The Last Jedi...

I am no longer the biggest disappointment in my fathers life anymore

How do you know your woman is from Venus

Coz a day on Venus is longer than a year and your lady said she would be ready tonight itself last year.

I hurt my back last week but now I no longer need my cane

It was really only a crutch anyway

A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"
The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."
The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

Once a woman said

If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop to rent a limousine. The line lasted 90 minutes and he finally rented a white limousine. On the day of prom, he wears his tuxedo, drives the limousine, and gives the flowers to his crush. At prom, his crush asked him to go grab her a drink. He walks over to the punch table, there is no punchline...

Three guys sit at a bar, and tell each other the same jokes again, and again on repeat.

One of them gets the idea to start numbering the jokes, so they don't have to repeat the entire joke, so for example, someone would say "number 6" and they would laugh at that joke. Then one of the guys says "number 11" and they all start laughing again. Shortly after, one of the men says "number 23", where they all laughed again, one longer than the 2 others. A minute or so after the first 2 stopped laughing, while the last man still laughs hysterically, one of the other asks, "why are you still laughing?", to which he replied "I hadn't heard that one before".

Two stingy people make a bet on...

... who would last longer with their head underwater.
Their bodies have been found by the caretaker.