Lasting Longer Jokes

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while…
He climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!
They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.
You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don’t mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his way to the top floor, after quickly rushing through a sea of flames and sprinting past an inferno that was fueled by the skeleton of what used to be a staircase. Upon finding a beautiful young lady upstairs, seemingly his own age, he exclaimed, "come quick! The roof won't last much longer! We've got to go!" She revealed that her ankle was hurt and she told him he had to carry her. He hoisted her up, carried her towards the front door and tells her, "you know, you're the first pregnant girl I've ever rescued." The young lady was surprised and somewhat offended at this, replying, "but I'm not pregnant?" And the fireman, with a wink, suavely replied, "well you're not rescued yet."

God decides it's time for a vacation...

...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

try the chili

A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I was really looking forward to the chili." After the waitress leaves he looks over and notices the other guy's bowl is totally full and he's not even touching it. So he leans over and say," hey I noticed you haven't eaten much of that chili, you mind if I have some?"
The guy responds, " sure, have the whole thing."
So the man takes the bowl and starts chowing down. He gets about halfway when his spoon hits something hard. He looks in the bowl and sees a dead mouse and he pukes the chili back up in the bowl. Then the other guy leans over and says, " that's about as far as I got too."

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Old couple at the carnival

An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride.
He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars".
Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home.
A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it.
He says to Janice "honey I've wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go"?
Janice says to him "John I'll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars".
This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution.
He says to John and Janice "I'll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I'll charge ten dollars".
Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk.
When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John "what happened to Janice"? John then exclaims "she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride ". "well why didn't you say anything"? Asks the pilot.
And without missing a beat John says "well ten dollars is ten dollars".

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."
She recieved a generous round of applause.
Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."
She, too, recieved a round of applause.
Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

There was a contest to see who can...

...stand in a room with a decaying goat carcass the longest. There were 4 contestants representing their respective countries: an American, an Englishman, a Russian and a Chinese man.
The contest was held in front of a capacity crowd of 500,000 people of different nationalities and all walks of life. The minimum time was 5 hours and the goat carcass has been in that room for 2 weeks, without any proper ventilation.
The American went in first and was able to stay for 1 hour and 12 minutes. The Englishman went in and stayed for a bit longer, 1 hour and 15 minutes. The Russian beat them both with 2 hours and 35 minutes. The Chinese man went in and retreated after 27 minutes. The judges were hoping for someone to at least last the 5 hours so they asked for random volunteers from the audience. And Indian man stood up and accepted the challenge.
The Indian man went in the room and after a few seconds, the goat went out of the room.

A blonde was on a jet...

...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."
Soon after he came on again: "Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine has failed, but there's no cause for alarm. We will, however, be arriving one hour late."
A while later he announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is no longer working. No need to panic, but we'll be arriving two hours later than scheduled."
The blonde's seatmate turned to her and said, "Oh, dear, I do hope that last engine doesn't go out."
"You and me both," said the blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"

3 Nuns

Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about.
Sister Veronica said, "When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, "and this wide!" she said as she held her hands in a circle. "I had trouble eating one!" she said as she motioned biting down on a banana.
Sister Trudy was leaning further in the aisle, trying to tune in to the conversation of the other two nuns.
Sister Frances then said, "When I was in Florida last year, they had the hugest oranges I have ever seen." She held her palms upturned as if to hold two large oranges. "They were this big!"
Sister Trudy could no longer stand it and shouted out, "Father who????!!!"

Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.

A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"

A statistician is on an airplane...

when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't worry folks, we've still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We're about 6 hours out now."
However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says "we've lost another engine, but we're still in the air, but we've slowed down a bit. It's going to take us 8 hours to get there now."
However, luck was not with them, and a third engine dies. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't panic, we can still fly with only one engine, but it's going to take us 12 hours to get there."
The statistician turns to his neighbor and says "I hope that last engine doesn't go out, or it's going to take us forever to get there!"

3 Women sitting in a café.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a café, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."

Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.
Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.
He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.
Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."
Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"
Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"
Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

Finally had a baby

A woman longed to have a baby, and finally at age 65 had one, thanks to modern medicine. Her friends all came to visit, excited to see the new baby, but she said "You can't see it till cries." They were puzzled, but they sat and chatted a while, and then asked again. Again she said, "You can't see it till it cries." Now they were really confused, but they stayed a bit longer. As they were preparing to leave, they asked one last time, and again the answer was, "You can't see it till it cries." "Well, why is that?" "Because I don't remember where I put it down."

Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits even longer but eventually gets the flowers. Next he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets a very nice limo.
Lastly he goes to the barber and once again there is a long line but as he sits and waits he is just dreaming how his date will look, and within no time he gets his hair cut.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Same guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama."
Angrily the guard says: "I told you the last two days that he's not President anymore."
The old man turns away and quietly says: "I just like hearing you say it."

A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy:
"Here is the book that you've probably never heard of. I can sell it to you for $10 if you promise me to never, ever open it at the last page."
The boy agreed and bought the book. He read it and liked it very much, but, as promised, he didn't open it at the last page. One day he could bear it no longer and checked the last page. "Suggested Retail Price: $5".

A guy asked his crush to prom, and to his surprise, she said yes! The day before prom, he gets ready for the exciting day.

First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop to rent a limousine. The line lasted 90 minutes and he finally rented a white limousine. On the day of prom, he wears his tuxedo, drives the limousine, and gives the flowers to his crush. At prom, his crush asked him to go grab her a drink. He walks over to the punch table, there is no punchline...

Three guys sit at a bar, and tell each other the same jokes again, and again on repeat.

One of them gets the idea to start numbering the jokes, so they don't have to repeat the entire joke, so for example, someone would say "number 6" and they would laugh at that joke. Then one of the guys says "number 11" and they all start laughing again. Shortly after, one of the men says "number 23", where they all laughed again, one longer than the 2 others. A minute or so after the first 2 stopped laughing, while the last man still laughs hysterically, one of the other asks, "why are you still laughing?", to which he replied "I hadn't heard that one before".