Lasted Longer Than Jokes
95 lasted longer than jokes and hilarious lasted longer than puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lasted longer than that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lasted Longer Than Short Jokes
Short lasted longer than jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lasted longer than humour may include short longest lasting jokes also.
- My wife told me her period was lasting several days longer than normal. I said, Sounds more like an ellipsis...
- What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass? Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
- Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks? It didn't last longer than the pilot
- FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything. - My wife asked me to get something that would give me bigger, harder, longer lasting erections. Apparently she didn't mean "a 23-year-old girlfriend".
- I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water. Take a pitcher it will last longer
- Last night my wife told me, "That was entertaining. I wish it was longer..." "Now I have to wait another year until stranger things season 3"
- What's the difference between YouTube and Redtube? My YouTube experience lasts longer than 10 seconds.
- What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common? Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.
- A boy was at a lemonade stand. He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".
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Lasted Longer Than One Liners
Which lasted longer than one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lasted longer than? I can suggest the ones about lasting longer and older than.
- Don't stare at a glass of water Take a pitcher it'll last longer
- The best part of getting covid Milk lasts longer
- Wanna last longer in bed? Forget to set an alarm
- LPT: How to last longer in bed Don't set an alarm.
- Try this one trick to last longer in bed! Throw out your alarm clock.
- I crashed a party last night I'm no longer a party-bus driver
- Which lasts longer? ...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?
- [Dark] You know why the youtube shooting lasted longer than 10 minutes? Ad revenue
- Humans are like candles... they last longer if you don't ignite them.
- Those who sleep more... ...last longer in bed.
- How long does a carbon monoxide intoxication last? Longer than you think.
- Troy Barnes no longer visits motels. The last room didn't have Abed.
:) - Some guy ordered a glass of coke. I told him to take a pitcher, it'll last longer.
- They call me duracell I last 10x longer than other guys
- Sometimes peeing feels better than s**.... It lasts longer too.
Lasted Longer Than Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about lasted longer than you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stronger than jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lasted longer than pranks.
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There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to c**... so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.
Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
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At the drop of a hat
I recently had s**... with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird f**...."
A naughty child
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"
A man walks into a bar....
...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
One of my favourite jokes. Might take a minute to sink in...
I saw a guy having an epileptic fit in a nightclub. Everyone was just standing around watching, pointing at him and talking about it. "Look!! That guy's having a fit!!" etc...
I said "Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer."
God decides it's time for a vacation...
...so he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."
try the chili
A man walks into a restaurant. He asks the waitress for an order of chili.The waitress points to a man at the the table next to him and says, "sorry, that guy over there got the last bowl. Is there anything else I can get for you?
The man replies," let me think about it for a little bit longer, I was really looking forward to the chili." After the waitress leaves he looks over and notices the other guy's bowl is totally full and he's not even touching it. So he leans over and say," hey I noticed you haven't eaten much of that chili, you mind if I have some?"
The guy responds, " sure, have the whole thing."
So the man takes the bowl and starts chowing down. He gets about halfway when his spoon hits something hard. He looks in the bowl and sees a dead mouse and he pukes the chili back up in the bowl. Then the other guy leans over and says, " that's about as far as I got too."
One American Soldier
My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:
One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...
"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...
"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.
"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"
Old couple at the carnival
An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride.
He runs over and says to his wife "Janice I've always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars".
Janice then says "John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars". They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home.
A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it.
He says to Janice "honey I've wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go"?
Janice says to him "John I'll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars".
This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution.
He says to John and Janice "I'll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I'll charge ten dollars".
Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk.
When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John "what happened to Janice"? John then exclaims "she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride ". "well why didn't you say anything"? Asks the pilot.
And without missing a beat John says "well ten dollars is ten dollars".
At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...
a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."
She recieved a generous round of applause.
Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."
She, too, recieved a round of applause.
Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than s**...?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a h**....
A blonde was on a jet...
...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."
Soon after he came on again: "Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine has failed, but there's no cause for alarm. We will, however, be arriving one hour late."
A while later he announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is no longer working. No need to panic, but we'll be arriving two hours later than scheduled."
The blonde's seatmate turned to her and said, "Oh, dear, I do hope that last engine doesn't go out."
"You and me both," said the blonde. "We'll be up here all day!"
Did you ever realize that almond milk lasts four times longer than regular milk?
That's nuts, right?
A statistician is on an airplane...
when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't worry folks, we've still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We're about 6 hours out now."
However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says "we've lost another engine, but we're still in the air, but we've slowed down a bit. It's going to take us 8 hours to get there now."
However, luck was not with them, and a third engine dies. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "don't panic, we can still fly with only one engine, but it's going to take us 12 hours to get there."
The statistician turns to his neighbor and says "I hope that last engine doesn't go out, or it's going to take us forever to get there!"
A man walks into a barbershop...
...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."
The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."
The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."
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The instructions said if my e**... lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor...
My calculus professor was no help at all.
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Late last night I was trying to summon a d**....
After many hours in my basement drawing pentagrams, chanting voodoo and performing spiritual dance I had failed to conjure any demons from the dark depths of Hades.
Defeat was in my mind and I had no choice but to admit the ways of old no longer held any sway with the dark lord. I reluctantly slid the Iphone from my bathrobe's inner pocket and activated the voice command:
"Siri, would you please summon me the darkest, most malevolent d**... that Satan himself would be pleased with."
Siri:"Ok, Contacting Comcast Customer Support"
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A man contemplates if it's worth m**... now so he can last longer in bed later.
It will come in handy.
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Roller coasters are like your first time having s**....
for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.
My wife complains I can't last longer than 21 seconds without collapsing.
Well at least I last longer than Aldo.
I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results...
But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."
As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture...
it'll last longer."
What's the difference between a teenager and a radioactive element?
Radioactive elements last longer.
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer.
A bad lawyer can make a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
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After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.
Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a w**....
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my first time having s**... was like the Holocaust
I just wish it would have lasted longer
I got bit by my dog last night so I had to dog-proof my bedroom.
My wife no longer sleeps with me.
My girlfriend left me because I couldn't last longer than 10 seconds in bed.
She just couldn't overlook my shortcomings.
My wife and I had a competition of who could hold their breath longer under water.
I lasted a minute, but my wife has been down there for ten years and counting.
An obese woman walked by me and winked.
I shirked, so she gyrated and told me to "take a picture it will last longer."
I retorted, "I don't doubt it."
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I wish you had lasted longer.
One of the things you can say both during s**... and during f**....
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The solar eclipse is the most exciting thing in my entire life!
Because it lasts longer my s**... life...
My girlfriend thinks Conor Mcgregor and I are the same.
Boy did he proved her wrong last night. Lasted way longer than 90 seconds.
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Finally
I'm no longer a v**.... Last night I finally had s**... for my first time! I experienced a m**...! We performed great, all three of us: Me, Myself, and I.
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Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
Thanks to The Last Jedi...
I am no longer the biggest disappointment in my fathers life anymore
How do you know your woman is from Venus
Coz a day on Venus is longer than a year and your lady said she would be ready tonight itself last year.
I hurt my back last week but now I no longer need my cane
It was really only a crutch anyway
She was already feeling very annoyed that night
The skimpy uniform the bar owner made them all wear was bad enough. It helped with tips, she guessed, and as a newly single mom she had to do whatever she could to pay the bills.
But the men! She could feel their oozing gazes following her as she buzzed around the room carrying drinks and clearing tables.
The last straw was when one table kept ordering single drinks, one at a time, making her come back over and over again. Finally frustrated, she blurted out
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Once a woman said
If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
Two stingy people make a bet on...
... who would last longer with their head underwater.
Their bodies have been found by the caretaker.
A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time making her uncomfortable.
The bartender says, Why don't you take a pitcher? It'll last longer.
Keeping the dishwasher clean...
Today someone told me that keeping your dishwasher clean makes it last longer
So I went back home and gave a good bath to my wife
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I'm no longer an 18 year old v**...!
I met my uncle for the first time last night :(
Icecream companies these days
They don't even follow regulations or have concern for consumer's health !!!
They have started adding Dihydrogen Monoxide to it for making it last longer
Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.
Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.
I bought a pack of condoms and on the front it said, "Longer lasting."
Which is just as well, because they've been in my wallet for years.
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A couple were talking after having s**....
You know, that was a really nice time. You lasted a lot longer than usual babe. The woman said. What's your secret? Can I expect this every night from now on? She continued.
The man replied Well, we were sexting earlier so I knew we'd be having an interesting evening, so I might have masterbated earlier today. You could say I... Came prepared
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How many of Trump's cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, none of them have lasted longer than a light bulb.
Why is Jonny Depp's second wife no longer suing him?
In the last couple months he developed Heard Immunity
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People dream of mind bending shower s**...
and I just dream of the hot water lasting longer than him
I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...
I think I should look for a new dentist....
One Bill Gates' divorce
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.
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I wish I lasted longer in bed
Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived
The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".
In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".
How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?