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Last Place Jokes

120 last place jokes and hilarious last place puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about last place that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Last Place Short Jokes

Short last place jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The last place humour may include short first place jokes also.

  1. Cops turned up at my place last night "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."
    I said "Yes but she has a great personality."
  2. A girl looked at me funny last night as I struggled to take her bra off... She was probably wondering why I had it on in the first place.
  3. Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it. He said "Ohio is a spectacular place."
  4. Ferguson Protestors looted a Payless Shoe store last night... Cleaned the place out, nothing left but work boot...
  5. I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
    Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
  6. Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: table for 26, please Waiter: I count only 13 people Jesus: Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side
  7. What do you call a dog with no legs? Why would you call him, he can't come over.
    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    Last place you put him.
    Where do you bring a dog with no legs?
    Drag race.
  8. I was about to win a race but my phone went off and I stopped to answer it, in the end I finished last. I shouldn't have done it in the first place.
  9. Last night a kid came "trick or treating" at my place dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid.
  10. They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place... ...Tell that to the crab.

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Last Place One Liners

Which last place one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with last place? I can suggest the ones about 3rd place and 2nd place.

  1. I went to a place in France last week It was nice.
  2. last week, i saw the obituary of a dairy farmer. he's in a butter place now.
  3. Why do plastic surgeons finish every race in last place? They always bring up the rear.
  4. What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky? Last placed.
  5. A local bakery caught fire last night The whole place is toast
  6. What do you call a pachyderm who's in last place? Doesn't matter - it's rear elephant
  7. A horse walks into a bar. and comes in last place in the equestrian jumping event.
  8. Busy night at the bulimia clinic last night... the place was heaving.
  9. Chicago's a dangerous place. Last time I visited I stole two cars and a lady's purse.
  10. What do you call an X-Games athlete who placed dead last? A louger.
  11. Life is a lot like football... The Browns are in last place.
  12. Where was your mom last night?
    At Chuck Norris' place.
  13. What do you call a pornstar that comes in last place in the 100 meter dash? Slow poke.
  14. It looks like the last informal G20 took place in Panama.
  15. What do you call the kid that finished last place in medical school? Doctor.

Last Place Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about last place you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean last chance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make last place pranks.

Place:mental hospital
Doctor:what is wrong with you?
Patient:I wrote a 500 page book
Doctor:what did you write about?
Patient:I wrote a king started going to the jungle with his horse and in the last page he arrived at the jungle
Doctor:what did you write in the other 498 page
Patient:tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik and so on the other 493 pages
Doctor:you idiot.who will read it
Patient:I will put it on watazapp and some idiot will read it

A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said, “What do I do now? I’m almost out of typing paper.”
“Just use the copier machine paper,” replied the other secretary.
With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, g**..., godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:

Did you hear about the ghost comedian's show last night?

Apparently all you could hear in the place was Boo!

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

Last day for your taxes

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me

a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest
The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.
MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics
The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

I think my sister's boyfriend is beating her.

Now I don't have any physical evidence. I don't see any scratches or bruises. But I had dinner at her place last weekend and her cooking has gotten WAY better!

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had s**... all night until the sun came up.
The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?
Guy says "I'm not a catholic"
The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"
Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

Church of latter day saints.

The other day I was stopped by a few guys from the Church of Latter Day Saints. They asked me "have you found our Lord the savior? I replied "Sorry, can't say that I have. Where was the last place you saw him?"

An anesthesiologist walks into a bar...

and goes to buy a drink. He sits next to a lonely, beautiful blonde and offers to buy her one too. After a couple hours they head back to her place and they have c**.... Next morning during coffee, she asks him: "Hey, are you an anesthesiologist?". He looks at her and says "Yea, why?" She goes: "I knew it! Last night I couldn't feel a thing!"

I pulled the local s**... last night and took her back to my place for s**....

As I laid on the bed watching the s**... dribble out of her m**..., I immediately thought to myself, "Well, at least I won't need l**...."

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.
Now that's a big red flag.

A carny invited me back to her place for a good time last night...

She wasn't kidding, there were bumper cars, a ghost train and a mechanical bull. I had a blast!

Blonde Swimmer

In a swim-meet, after the blonde came in last place competing in the breast-s**..., she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

Hey girl, I want to do you like my homework

"Throw me on your desk and do me all night long?"
"No. Forget you're at my place, pretend like you don't exist, and then do you in 10 seconds at the last minute."

Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping.

He just called me from Brazil.

Prostitutes in Amsterdam are very demanding...

The last one I went with made me wash my Old Man in the sink!
Can't even remember why I took Dad in the first place.

Last week I visited Japan. Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, all were great places.

But my favorite were Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Those places were the bomb.

Last 4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV

In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump race around the White House

The slightly younger and less overweight Hillary managed to win this one, and this is the response from major news networks:
NBC: "Hillary Clinton wins the race, while Donald Trump comes in last!"
FOX: "Donald Trump takes second place in the race, while Hillary Clinton only manages to beat one contestant!"

A Scottish bouncer walks into his local pub...

...and the bartender says:
"We could have used you in here last night, we had that Spanish actor from that Coen brothers film in, smashing the place up."
"Oh, Javier Bardem?"
"No. We just kicked him out."

3 men on a skiing holiday

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed, in the morning the following conversation takes place.
Man on left: I had a dream last night that I got a h**....
Man on right: No way, I also had a dream about that as well!
Man in middle: That's funny I had a dream I was skiing.

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

The Cure for the Common Cold

It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"
All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.
First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.
If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.
If you don't, it'll last a whole week.

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)

Last year for Easter, we got these cool egg decorating kits, with markers, stickers, stencils etc.

I was trying to do an elaborate floral pattern on my eggs, but the stencil kept slipping. I got reeeeally distraught. More distraught than I had any right to be. But no matter how much I concentrated, I couldn't get the stencil to stay in the right place.
I was having an eggs n' stencil crisis.

So my cousin s**... up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!

Moved to a new place, was told it was haunted... Last owner hung himself in his bedroom.

But why would I believe it was haunted if the guy didn't even believe in himself.

My friends and I wanted to get Indian food last night

My friends and I wanted to get Indian food last night, but none of us could decide where to go. After asking around for good places to get Indian food, we finally decided to go get sandwiches at that New Delhi everyone kept talking about.

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

I jumped into a taxi with my date last night.

I said to her, "What would you say to a b**... when we get back to my place?"
She said, "You seem like a nice guy and I've had a good time... so why not? Okay!"
"Great!" I replied, reaching over to the taxi driver. "Is that okay with you mate? I'm broke."

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

My cousin has 2 tickets for the super bowl and paid $2500 for each ticket.

he didnt realize last year it was going to be the day of his wedding.
If interested he is looking for someone to take his place.
Her name is Lisa Phillips 35, about 140lbs, a good cook, She'll be in white

I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for s**.... I didn't want to disappoint her, so...

...I said "No."

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

Last night, I put a trampoline in place of my wifes bed.

When she found out, she hit the roof.

My wife said I'm lucky to be married to a trophy wife.

I said to her, they giving out last place trophies?

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.
The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.
Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.
The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?
I don't want first place.

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

I went to the local craft brewery last night and it was so busy...

The place was really hopping.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

Last week I moved into a new suburb

My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

Did you hear about Joe s**...?

He didn't like his name, so we went down to the name changing place. He said to the teller, I want to change my name .
What do you want to change your name to? replied to teller.
Fred , Joe replies.
FRED...!.., I can understand changing your last name but why on earth would you want to change your first name? Exclaimed the teller.
Then Joe said I'm just tired of people saying hey Joe whaddya know?

A man is telling a story to his friend.

He says:
- So last night I was at that s**... girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...
At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:
- What you laughin' at? If you were there, we could have taken the TV!

James French was placed in the electric chair due to be executed; his last words?

'French Fries'

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in t**....

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.
Absolute cowards.

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.

Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…

Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?

The other man says, You mean the rose?

His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the f**... I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I've taken up his mantel.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter t**...?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I'm in the bar next door to that place having a beer."

I encountered a m**... at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake?