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Last Minute Jokes

72 last minute jokes and hilarious last minute puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about last minute that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Last Minute Short Jokes

Short last minute jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The last minute humour may include short last chance jokes also.

  1. My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
  2. My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!! It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
  3. I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
  4. My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..." After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence. 
  5. Great news! I got the whole plane to myself! The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
  6. I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
  7. I began speed reading, and just last night I read The Da Vinci Code in fifteen minutes. I know it's only 4 words, but it's a start.
  8. Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.
  9. I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute After all, it was her thirty second birthday.
  10. It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

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Last Minute One Liners

Which last minute one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with last minute? I can suggest the ones about final moments and running late.

  1. The longest I've lasted in bed is one hour and two minutes Thanks day light savings
  2. What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common? neither of us can last more than a minute :(
  3. What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute? A Ronda Rousey fight.
  4. What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow? A Prograsstinator
  5. My son said he'd trick or treat with me but at the last minute didn't show. Ghosted.
  6. I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to get my cat to talk. He was not amewsed.
  7. Thanks to Daylight Savings Time... My girlfriend thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!
  8. I was going to meet my biological dad today but he pulled out at the last minute.
  9. Why are hockey games better than women? Their periods only last 20 minutes.
  10. I was going to watch crossroads with Britney Spears But she cancelled at the last minute.
  11. I lasted 62 minutes in bed Thanks daylight savings
  12. I was served a small minute dinner last night I had to ask for seconds.
  13. [Dark] You know why the youtube shooting lasted longer than 10 minutes? Ad revenue
  14. Why do they call them the minute men? Because they lasted a minute in battle
  15. What do me and anti-vaccination kids have in common? We both last 3 minutes.

Last Minute Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about last minute you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean last orders jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make last minute pranks.

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;
The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.
The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.
The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.
The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.
The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee.
The one you can always predict, Usual Lee.
The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee.
The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee.
The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee
AND,
The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee
In short, I met the whole Fama Lee.

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

I don't feel sorry for people who waited until the last minute to do their taxes... I finished mine over a year ago...

A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

I was almost in a devil's t**... once, but at the last minute the other guy backed out. So i looked at the girl and said...

"Well that's a load off your back"

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?
I don't want first place.

What do you call a country that pushes everything off until the last minute?

A Procrasti-Nation

I told my dad that I was having trouble getting all my homework done...

So he told me, "if you wait til the last minute, it'll only take a minute"

A plane gets struck by lightning

A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

How do you get your mother in-law to come to your house at the last minute?

"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"

A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...

The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"

I waited until the last minute to study for my drivers exam

and ended up taking a c**... course.

Super Bowl tickets!

Last minute I realize but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Inglewood, CA at SOFI stadium Tomorrow.
They are box seats that he spent $8,500 a piece for which includes a ride from the airport, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.
What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them that this is the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's church at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley and she is 5'5 and about a 110 pounds. She is a good cook and enjoys the outdoors.

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

A turtle walks into a bar...

...actually, it was supposed to be a rabbit, but lack of a neutral net forced a last minute script change.

A few years back, I was asked at the last minute to stand in on bass for Geddy Lee, just for one night.

It was a Rush job...

Last Minute

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Ferdinand

Ferdinand went to work in France for 2 years.
When he returned, he told his wife:
-I'm sorry Mary, France is full of hot chicks and I couldn't resist. But at the last minute, when I remembered you, I immediately got off the top of them.
She answered:
-I also remembered you a lot sweetheart, but you have to understand that it's easier to get off the top than to get off the bottom.

It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday

His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.
At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,
"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa s**... tonight!" To which he replied,
"I'll have the soup"

I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party...

Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."

Hey girl, I want to do you like my homework

"Throw me on your desk and do me all night long?"
"No. Forget you're at my place, pretend like you don't exist, and then do you in 10 seconds at the last minute."

Hertz car rentals announced a last minute marketing campaign today to avoid bankruptcy

They hired Michael Stipes from R.E.M. to remind people everybody Hertz

Did anyone else get the 4-11 on today's date?

Sorry, last minute Dad joke before the day was over.

I graduated with a 2:2 in Sports journalism

It would have been a 2:1 but they equalised at the last minute.

Putin planned a holiday trip to the U.S. for the President's Day weekend sales...

but he cancelled at the last minute when he remembered he'd already bought one.

Monty Python scheduled to sing National Anthem for NFL London game

However, officials pulled the plug at the last minute when it was revealed the comedians would be taking a Ni.

I slashed my Postal Delivery Driver's tires today

I wanted to be sure *all* of my last minute packages had flat rate shipping.

I was supposed to give a lecture on h**... today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

AITA when coaching my son's basketball team for putting in a better player at the last minute (who never showed up to practice) instead my own son?

Whoops, wrong sub!

Friend:- What's your last minute costume for Halloween)

Me:- Anything that can have the word disappointing it front of it

I jate when people make last minute changes

Wait, no I dont

My friend applied at the last minute for a residency in pediatric gynecology.

I thought "Who is he kidding? Those slots are already filled."

Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when they wake up the next morning one of the guys go
I had a dream last night that a hot blonde babe j**... me off. The one on the other side said I did too she was tall and had huge hands, it was great.
The guy in the middle says that's so crazy, I had a dream that I was skiing.

A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then recalls the priest in his car, and at the last minute, swerves to miss him. The man then turns to the priest and says, "Father, forgive me, I nearly hit that lawyer!"
The Priest responds with, "Don't worry, my son, I got him with the door!"

What's do Jesus and Ryan Dunn have in common?

They both spent their last minutes getting hammered

A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This flight is completely full, so if you could please store your bags, find those remaining empty middle seats and settle in and clear the aisle as quickly as possible, hopefully we can close the aircraft door and push back before my mother-in-law gets here".

feeling like a woman

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of s**..., but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."
so sorry girls

Lawyer joke

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

A woman is in a coma...

Desperate for ways to wake her up, the husband frantically asks the hospital staff what can be done. No one had an answer. Later that night as he sit by her side, a nurse from earlier in day is finishing her shift and pops in the room to give some last minute advice. "You know, it may not help, but I've heard of instances where o**... s**... has pulled a woman out of a coma"
Twenty minute later the woman's vital sign monitor alarm goes off. The doctors and nurses rush into the room to find the husband zipping up his pants and buckling his belt.
"I don't think it helped her, but I sure feel better"

Accordion and Tuba Duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.
On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a duo consisting of an accordionist and a tuba player. He has hesitations, but he hires them so he will have live music.
To his surprise, the duo is a huge hit with the crowd. The party was better than he ever imagined.
After the party, he walks up to the band and says "you know, I never thought in a million years that I would be saying this, but you two were great and I would like to line you up now for next year"
The duo replies "Sure, can we leave our stuff?"

So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.
The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.
So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"
The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

A man decides to purchase a horse...

From a religious woman. She instructs the man that to encourage the horse to run he must say: "Thank god" and to stop the horse: "amen". The man acknowledges this and rides home, pleased with his purchase. The next week he is out riding the horse when he notices he is riding toward a cliff. Panicking he tells the horse to heel. The horse continues to gallop toward the cliff edge as his rider continues to yell "stop" until right at the last minute he remembers the key word. "Amen!" he yells just in time for the horse to stop inches from the edge of the cliff. The man exclaims "Thank god!"

A plane passes through a fierce storm...

In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

A southern minister decides to give a temperance sermon one day

Toward the end of the sermon, he says: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And most of the congregation nodded their heads in approval.
Even louder, he shouts: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and said "Amen.
And then finally, he concludes, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" After which the congregation cheered loudly in agreement.
Then, the minister sits down, and it's the song leader's turn to speak. He had been quiet during most of the minister's sermon, but he stands up with a big grin, and says: "There's been a last minute change in today's musical selection. Please turn your hymnal to #318: Let Us Drink from the River."

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road.
Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. 
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. 
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.
Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud."
Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."