Last Meal Jokes

94 last meal jokes and hilarious last meal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about last meal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Last Meal Short Jokes

Short last meal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The last meal humour may include short happy meal jokes also.

  1. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  2. A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal. I dunno, what do you want?
  3. A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal. She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
  4. On Death Row Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
    Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?
  5. I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
  6. A woman was on death row. The conversation went like this:
    Warden: "What do you want for your last meal?"
    Woman: "I don't know. What do you want?"
  7. Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth" They also do takeaways.
  8. Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy? Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.
  9. Went for a Chinese meal last night. Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
    So, the manager decided to dim sum.
  10. If I were on Death Row, my last meal request would be a clean burger from McDonald's I'd be kept alive forever.

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Last Meal One Liners

Which last meal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with last meal? I can suggest the ones about evening meal and last wish.

  1. If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be I don't know. What do you feel like?
  2. What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
  3. What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal? An arm and a leg
  4. Guard: "What would you like for your last meal?" Woman: "Idk, what do you want?"
  5. What was Dracula's last meal? A stake!
  6. What did the Mexican hangman serve his victims as a last meal? Pico de Gallows
  7. What does a death row inmate get after their last meal? Their just desserts.
  8. What was the vampire's last meal? Stake
  9. What did Jesus choose as his last meal? three stakes
  10. I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
  11. What was Stephen Hawking's last meal? His shoulder.
  12. What would your last meal be? Probably, poorly prepared puffer fish.
  13. What's the final meal of a cannibal ? The last leg of the journey.
  14. Did you hear about Anthony Bourdain's last meal? It was to die for.
  15. How did Carrie Fisher eat her last meal? She used the forks.

Last Meal Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about last meal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dinner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make last meal pranks.

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.

Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…"
"Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

I just found out that the last meal delivered to the WTC was pizza.

They got 2 large planes.

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"
The three great friends begin to think before answering the genie.
The American answers first "I want the chance to sing the great national anthem of America one last time in full, and please genie allow the storm to quieten so that my friends may hear this wonderful tune and enjoy it"
The genie replies that he can grant this wish
The Korean next asks "It would make my last moments on this earth perfect if I could one last time eat the traditional food of my country, some sour and spicy cabbage soup, along with salted blood sausage and ice noodles - but I want enough so that I can share the last meal with my friends.
"It will be done" answers the genie
Finally the British man speaks up.
"Please kill me before the song and the food:"

Clean as cold water can get it.

A man decides to spend a week on his uncle's farm, well away from the city life. The first night his uncle cooks him a lovely meal and afterwards his uncle takes the dishes away to be cleaned. The next day at breakfast the man notices there still seem to be bits of dinner on the plate. He asks his uncle about it and his uncle replies "It's as clean as cold water can get it." The man accepts that but offers to do the cleaning himself, but his uncle refuses. At dinner the man again notices bits of the last meal still on the dishes. He asks his uncle again, and the reply is still "It's as clean as cold water can get it."
This continues for the week until it's time for the man to leave, but his uncle's dog is blocking the gate and refuses to move. The man asks his uncle to get the dog out of the way and his uncle yells: "Oi! Coldwater! Get out of the way!"

What was the Jewish vampire's last meal?

Ham and stake.

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things", I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

A man goes to confession at his church

He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."
"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.
"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."
"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."
The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"
"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"
"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."

Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs and into the bedroom and proceeds to give him the best s**... of his life. After they both get dressed, she takes his hand and leads him downstairs. There is a gourmet meal prepared on the table and she pulls out a chair and indicates for him to sit down. Without a word he sits and they eat until they cannot eat another bite. He finishes eating and slumps back in his chair. The woman stands up and walks over to him, slipping a $1 bill in his front pocket. Bewildered the man finally asks "What in the world is all of this for?". The woman responds, "I heard it was your last day and asked my husband what we should do for you. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea".

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."
She recieved a generous round of applause.
Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."
She, too, recieved a round of applause.
Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.
"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A panda walks into a bar

and orders a bowl of beer nuts from the bartender. After finishing his meal, the panda whips out an enormous .45 Magnum and lets off six rounds into the ceiling.
As soon as the report of the last round had finished echoing around the bar, the panda rose from his stool. He looks around the bar, then hops onto all-fours and hobbles out of the building.
The other patrons of the bar were paralyzed with fear, even after the assailant had left. Finally, breaking the silence, the bartender pulls out a dictionary, flips open to a page, and puts the book on the bar.
"Here," he says, and invites the others to come have a look.
pan-da, *noun* \ˈpan-də\
:Eats chutes and leaves.

A Spanish restaurant

One day a man goes to a Spanish restaurant and orders a meal. While his meal is being prepared, he smells something amazing coming from the table next to him.
He looks over and sees a man eating a meatball dish, so he asks a waiter what that dish is:
"That is a dish made from bull t**..., very exquisite."
"Can I cancel my order and have that instead please?"
"I am sorry sir, but we only get those once a week after the bullfights, you can reserve next weeks if you want?"
So the man waits all week and he can't get that smell out of his head, until finally the meal is in front of him.
It was a little smaller than he remembered, but the taste more than made up for it, savouring every bite. When he was finished the waiter came to him and asked:
"Was everything to your standard, sir?"
"Yes, thank you, I could have sworn they were bigger last week though...?"
"Ahh, yes sir, that is... you see... a problem... sometimes the bull wins"

Cold Stew

A Man walks into a diner, he sees they have a special "today only" on Cold Stew. He sits down at the diner table and asks the waitress to order a bowl. "im sorry sir." she replies "The gentleman beside you just ordered the last bowl."
"thats alright, ill just have a coffee."
sitting drinking his coffee he notices the guy next to him drinking a coffee eating a sandwich but not really touching the stew so he leans over "Hey man, you gonna eat that?"
"No, No, you go ahead" the mans replies
Pulling the bowl towards himself he begins to dig in, has a unique bittery taste not awful, just curious, but its free and its not the worst stew hes eaten so he continues vigirously. Halfway into the bowl of stew he discovers a large dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, without missing a beat the man up and pukes back up into the bowl. Disgusted with the meal and himself wiping the spit and remanants of p**... from his chin the man next to him leans over and says
"Yea, thats how far I made it..."

Did you know that Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A, wanted a CFA sandwich for his last meal?

Unfortunately, he died on a Sunday.

A man goes hunting...

He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

A Jew, an Italian and a Frenchman last meal

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed.
Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. Give me some good French wine and French bread, he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta, said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew. Strawberries?!! They aren't even in season! .
So, I'll wait…


An elderly couple are having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen to do some washing up.
The two elderly guys were chatting, and one says, "Last night we went out to an amazing new restaurant that I'd, personally, recommend."
The other man says, "Oh, really? What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, I'm drawing a blank. What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "Uh, a carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggests, "The poppy?"
"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Oh, do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."
The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

If Jesus held the last supper today...

We'd probably see a picture of his final meal on Instagram.

On the eve of her execution, a woman is asked what her last meal will be.

"I don't know. What do you want?"

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.
My lame joke:
>"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys."
Wife looks down at her chest:
>"Well now I feel self-conscious... Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?"
Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

Dining Out

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit! said my wife.
And Sir? said the waiter. How did you find the pork belly?
Oh, about six years ago, we met at a sales convention.

A woman on death row is sitting in her cell when the guard approaches her...

The guard says, "Ok it's almost time. What do you want for your last meal?"
The woman replies, "I dunno...what do you want?"


WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon


h**...'s last meal was a Reuben sandwich.

Having lost the war, his world crumbling to pieces around him, the beaten man felt like a little sour k**....

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

What did ted bundy order for his last meal?

Chick Fil a
*came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free.

What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal?

He got his just desserts

A man is captured by pirates...

The pirates tell the man that they will throw him over the ship into the ocean but tell him he can have one last meal before he goes
He tells them he wants nothing but root beer, although confused, the pirates grant him his one last request
The man drinks the root beer until he feels fit to burst, and he tells the pirates he's ready to be thrown over
They toss him into the water and to their surprise, he doesn't sink!!
The man then yells to the pirates
"Silly pirates, don't you know. Root beer floats!!"
He then laughs as he floats away to safety

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.
The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.
The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.
The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

Cooked a meal for my wife last night and some herbs got into my eyes...

...I am parsley sighted now.

Three hobos are talking about last night...

The first hobo says, I was digging around behind a McDonald's last night and someone threw away a whole meal! I had a feast.
The second hobo says, I was scavenging by the liquor store yesterday and I found a full bottle of whiskey! I got drunk out of my mind.
The third hobo says, That's nothing. I was walking by the tracks and I ran into this woman. We had s**... all night long!
The other two hobos, admitting the third's was the best, say, That's awesome! Did she give you head?
The third hobo says, No... I never found her head.

A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Woman sitting on death row. Executioner opens her cell door and says It's time. What do you want to eat for your last meal?

Woman, in typical fashion goes, I don't know, what do you want?

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

A homeless man comes to a rich man's house and knocks on the door

"Please sir," says the homeless man, "I've not eaten in the last 3 days. Would you let me come in for some food?"
The owner of the house is sympathetic and tells the man, "you can come in, if you paint the porch round back. There's a bucket of yellow paint next to it."
The homeless man agrees, and half an hour later comes to the door again.
"Finished already? Come on in then, my wife is in the kitchen cooking you up a good meal."
"Thank you, sir," replied the homeless man, "but just so you know, it's a BMW you've got, not a porche."

A panda walks into a bar

He orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams Why?! The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili..

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... Long The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as l got, too"

Stop me if youve heard this one..

What do you call a cannibal eating himself?
A) A dying man eating his last meal.
Which also brings the question, is he suicidal or just plain hungry?

A woman on death row is going to be killed soon

The guard asks her what she would like for her last meal.
She responds, "I don't know, whatever you want."

Buddy Hackett duck joke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old f**.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

A man on death row is offered a last meal.

He lives an extra several years, dying of exhaustion. He ordered endless breadsticks from Olive Garden

A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal.

So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."

A man's last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait

What did Jeffrey d**... have for his last meal?

Five Guys

There is only one mother

Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own p**... but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of v**... from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <>".

A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.

The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it's his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man's daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man asks why she didn't bring any. The daughter says:
Mom said it's for after.

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"
He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"
I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal
He stopped and said "well, my sister, she hasn't eaten in 3 days either"
I thought for a second and went, "hmm I don't know, I don't really have a very big lawn"

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.
The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked out of the truck stop.
"Huh" snorted the first biker. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"Nope" replied their server. "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed up and crushed 3 motorcycles with his rig."