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Las Vegas Jokes

100 las vegas jokes and hilarious las vegas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about las vegas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Las Vegas Short Jokes

Short las vegas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The las vegas humour may include short casino jokes also.

  1. I wish Corona could have started in Las Vegas... Because what happens in vegas stays in Vegas
  2. I wish the Coronavirus started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
  3. What is the difference between Wuhan, China and Las Vegas, Nevada? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
  4. People know I go to Las Vegas a lot and they always ask if I saw the white tigers at the Mirage. I say, Only if they were sitting at the Let It Ride table.
  5. I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
  6. "Do you know what sin city is?" "Yeah, that's Las Vegas"
    "But do you know what Den City is"
    "No"
    "Mass over volume"
  7. The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit... Against Las Vegas.
  8. What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester? You can pay for the prostitutes using chips
  9. Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas. I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.
  10. Why was rudolf the reindeer so angry? Because his wife went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.

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Las Vegas One Liners

Which las vegas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with las vegas? I can suggest the ones about los angeles and gambling.

  1. Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.
  2. Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet
  3. Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? Because he loves Tibet.
  4. what is the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
  5. What kind of melon can't get married in Las Vegas? Cantaloupe
    ...I'm sorry.
  6. How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
  7. I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
  8. Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? Tibet
  9. Why can't fruit get married in Las Vegas They cantaloupe.
  10. Why are slot machines bad luck? Because you can't gamble with your life in Las Vegas.
  11. Why do teachers from Las Vegas focus so much on Trigonometry? Because it's sin city.
  12. The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas I think that is quite a gamble.
  13. What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction? Cirque du Sleigh
  14. Q: Where does a gambler refuel his car? A: At Las Ve-gas.
  15. The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada FIFA Las Vegas

Las Vegas Raiders Jokes

Here is a list of funny las vegas raiders jokes and even better las vegas raiders puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas Most Oakland fans won't even be able to go to games now due to parole stipulations...
  • The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas.

Las Vegas Casino Jokes

Here is a list of funny las vegas casino jokes and even better las vegas casino puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California? Because they, like, can't even deal.

Silly & Ridiculous Las Vegas Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about las vegas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new york jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make las vegas pranks.

I live in Bakersfield, California. At least it's not Barstow, a city that owes its existence to the fact that people traveling to Las Vegas needed a place to stop and take a sh*t. There was a toilet and they built a city around it.

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that s**... when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.
"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."
This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.
"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.
"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Early, but here's one for the Holidays.

The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.
The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!
"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."
"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

A s**... bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines....

....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.

Awkward silence

Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas s**... asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.
Jack: 50 dollars.
Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...
Girl: How about 500?
Jack: 500? Sure.
Went to hotel and had amazing s**.... And after s**......
Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?
Awkward silence!!!

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

If there's ever a zombie outbreak, it should happen in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas.

The receptionist asks, "Do you have a reservation?"

Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas?

They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, '**...!''

So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas

He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?

Not a lot, but in both you can pay for s**... with chips.

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.

You hear the one about the kid in Las Vegas?

He asks his dad, "Pop, why can't I go out in the street and play football and baseball like the other kids?" And his father says, "Keep dealing."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas?

They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance!

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.

I mean, for one in both places you can pay for s**... with chips.

Two s**... cows

What do you call two s**... cows in Las Vegas?
High steaks.

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.

Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 2: Las Vegas
Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?
Person 2: Chicago
Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?
Person 2: ...
Person 1: Mass over volume

Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

Me : Heard of Sin City?

GF : Las Vegas, right?
Me : Yeap, hw about Den City?
GF : What?
Me : Mass / Volume

A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."

Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."

Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.
One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"
Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".
The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".
The third student then replies: "And I was in the same s**... as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".

How do you know your in Las Vegas

When the s**... club has a splash zone

Bob turns to John who is about to board a plane to Las Vegas and hands him $500 saying "play with this for me and do what you can for me."

John returns and says "good news, you got laid."

It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump.

It's a Royal straight flush.

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall ferris wheel

Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas: w**...

Why do teachers from Las Vegas focus so much on Trigonometry?

Because it's sin city.
That is, if they actually taught you anything.

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

Everyone is upset about the ufc moving the event from Las Vegas to Los Angeles

I say it's their Los

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V
mass/volume

[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.

She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:
"There are no s**... quest shuns; only s**... dancers."

What interview should you avoid asking Clark Kent to give?

2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco
6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas
9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles


The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight

After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"

What's the difference between a 3-ring circus and a Las Vegas chorus line?

One is an array of cunning stunts...

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Alexa, where's my dad?

Alexa-Your dad is in a s**... club in Las Vegas.
Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.
Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a s**... club in Las Vegas.

Magic Show

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!

Slots

A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks.
The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."

Got my wife during the game last night

Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:
Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?
Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago
Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?
Me: no it's Las Vegas
Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up
Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words
She didn't like it as much as I did :D

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".
The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

jokes about las vegas