Las Jokes

What are some Las jokes?

Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?


Person 2: Las Vegas


Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?


Person 2: Chicago


Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?


Person 2: ...


Person 1: Mass over volume

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.

Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?

Tour guide: No, I don't know.

Physicist: Mass over volume.

I'll see myself out.

Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas?

Tibet

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas

He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound thrust a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"

A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....

"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

Original joke. Hey! I tried.

I got this friend, he and I can't agree on anything. It's a constant battle.
We go on a trip together every year and this year, after much debate, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas.
So, we're enjoying our first night in Vegas, we're both a little drunk and my buddy says, "Hey, let's get a hooker." I'm pretty drunk too, so I agree.
We go to a brothel and of course it takes us forever to agree on a girl, but we finally do. A nice young girl named Paige.
So, we go to the room, we all get undressed and start going at it. My buddy and I are both pounding away, I finally catch his eye and I say, "Hey! I'm glad to see we're finally on the same Paige!"

"Do you know what sin city is?"

"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"

"But do you know what Den City is"

"No"

"Mass over volume"

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A Greyhound bus.

A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.

That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.

The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"

She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."

What do you call someone that doesn't eat animal products and loves to gamble?

A Las Vegan

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.

I mean, for one in both places you can pay for sex with chips.

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.

"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Damn!"

What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester?

You can pay for the prostitutes using chips

Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas.

I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.

Early, but here's one for the Holidays.

The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.

The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!

"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."

"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"

Two stoned cows

What do you call two stoned cows in Las Vegas?

High steaks.

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."

The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V


mass/volume

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.

The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."

The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"

The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

A couple from Alabama get married...

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. Once they get settled in their hotel room, they start getting ready for their big night.

The guy comes out of the shower and starts walking towards her on the bed. She says, "This is my first time so be gentle". He get all kinds of angry, gets dressed, packs his stuff, and leaves.

About three weeks later, he's still at home and won't call his new wife. His dad gives him space, but eventually asks him what's wrong.

The guy says, "well Dad, she was a virgin".

His dad replies, "That's alright son. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours".

In Spanish the gender of the word for water changes depending on if it is singular or plural. El Agua, Las Aguas.

I guess that means it is gender fluid.

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

An English man, French and American walk near the sea

And argue who has the best submarines.


The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.


The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.

The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.

Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?

Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.

One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"

Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".

The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".

The third student then replies: "And I was in the same shithole as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".

A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."

Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."

What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?

Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.

Awkward silence

Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas strip asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.

Jack: 50 dollars.

Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...

Girl: How about 500?

Jack: 500? Sure.

Went to hotel and had amazing sex. And after sex...

Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?

Awkward silence!!!

Entering a friend's home for his weekly poker game, Slick is amazed to see a dog sitting at the table.

He's even more surprised when the dog wins the first hand with a full house, and takes the second with a royal flush.
"This is unreal," Slick says after the dog wins the next two hands. "He's got to be only dog in the world that can play like that."
"Aw, he's not so great," says the host. "There's a dog in Las Vegas who doesn't wag his tail every time he gets a good hand."

What did the Greek God say when he could finally take the world off his shoulders?

At las!

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."

- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."

- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

Tibet

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.

God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...

Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas

Most Oakland fans won't even be able to go to games now due to parole stipulations...

Me : Heard of Sin City?

GF : Las Vegas, right?

Me : Yeap, hw about Den City?

GF : What?

Me : Mass / Volume

Why are slot machines bad luck?

Because you can't gamble with your life in Las Vegas.

How to make Las jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Las to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Las? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Las pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes