Largest Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Largest puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Largest

I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."

"...what color dragon do you want?"

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...

...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

There were three restaurants

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

What's the largest database for child sex predators?

IMDB

A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...

I'll see myself out.

Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

What's the world's largest pan?

Japan.

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Lets make a circle!

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.

The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."

Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export.

And Import.

Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

An English teacher asked their students: "Of all the characters in the Old Testament, who do you think is the most developed?"

A student responded, "Noah, because he has the largest story Ark."

Russian Condoms!

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor....you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request

Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded, the Russian President explained. My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!

Vladimir, said Obama, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.

We do need your help, said Putin.

Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over? No problem, I'm on it, said Obama.

Oh, and one more small favour, please? said Putin. Yes? said Obama.

Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?

No problem, replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. I need a favour, you've got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.

Consider it done, said the CEO of Durex.

Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.

Easily done. Anything else?

Yes, says Obama. Print 'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..."


Then he asked, "California, eh? Beautiful down there. What can I get for you?"


I said "I'll take the largest black coffee you have, please."


He said "oh, you want a lot, eh?"


And I said "no thank you, just the black coffee."

Three Bulls

Three bulls are out in a field one day, chewing on some cud.

The first bull, the largest, says "I heard there's a new bull coming in."

The second bull, not quite as large, says " I heard the same thing!"

The third bull, smaller by quite a bit, says "Me too!"

The first bull speaks up again and says "Well, he's not getting any of my cows." The second bull says the same thing and the third bull says "I only have two."

Just then, the old farmer's truck comes rumbling down the road. It stops and out pops the BIGGEST, BADDEST, STRONGEST BULL any of them had ever seen.

Mid chew, the first bull says " I guess I can spare one or two." The second bull says "Me too." But the third bull, the smallest of the three, starts to paw at the ground, and toss his horns in the air and starts flaring his nostrils.

The second bull asks "You're not going to fight him, are you?"

And he says "No! I making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department that could extinguish the blaze. Many departments and trucks from miles around tried but failed, all stopping 200 yards away from the inferno. A small, four man department from a not very well known town went blazing past all the stopped trucks and drove right up to the blown well. Only having two buckets of water and three buckets of sand they quickly dumped all the had and the fire went out. They owner of the well ran up and was over joyed. He asked to chief what they would buy first with the large amount of money. The chief calmly said, "well the first thing im doin is replacing the brakes on this here truck".

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. When he's done, he says "I define myself to be the outsideο»Ώ.

The largest city in the world is...

Dublin.

Because it keeps on Dublin and Dublin

Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables?

In an American nursing home.

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting

When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client "I have some good news and some bad news".

The client grumbles "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news".

"Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million".

"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"

"The two pictures are of you with your secretary".

I was talking to a russian the other day and he said that russia is the largest european nation...

I said, sorry man, eurasian.

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

Russian Condoms

One day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"

A farmer has three bulls, One small, one medium, and one large.

The large one looks over the herd of cows and says, "Half these cows are mine!" The medium-sized bull then says, "A third of these cows are mine!" And the small bull, looking crestfallen, says, "Well, the rest of these cows are mine!"

The farmer comes home one day with a simply enormous bull, one that towers over the original three. The largest one says, "Whoa... I guess I'll give him half my cows." The medium-sized one, with fear in his eyes, says, "He can have two-thirds of my cows." But the littlest bull paws at the ground, snorting and stomping, tossing his horns. The other two tell him, "Are you crazy? That new bull will crush you!"

The littlest bull replies, "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull."

My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.

Isn't that humorous?

A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed

It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

What is the definision of mixed feelings?

When your wife says that you have the largest in your street.

The largest bounce house in the world is around 10,000 feet, big enough to live in...

But the rent is pretty high due to inflation

The worlds two largest manufacturers of broth seasoning cubes are merging.

It was a multi-bouillon dollar deal.

Did you hear about the worlds largest broom?

It's really sweeping the nation

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But we all know the tragedy that occurred..

The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.

This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**

Which dinosaur has the largest vocabulary?

Thesaurus

"What is the largest body of water in the world?" Quiz contestant: "The ocean?"

Asker: "I'm sorry, you're going to have to be more Pacific."

Breaking News: United States is now the largest producer of salt.

So Salty...

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.

Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.

He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.

Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"

And then Aristotle got a room.

I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

What is Kim Jun-Un's largest fear?

Projectile dysfunction

A businessman boarded a plane...

to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning, diamond ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr Klopman."

A concert promoter was fired for claiming he had the worlds largest piano player booked when he was only 5' 8"...

Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist.

What's the difference between a blue whale and your mother?

One is the largest known mammal on earth, the other is a blue whale.

Where is the largest synagogue in the universe?

Jew-piter

What is Finland's largest export?

Lines

How much of Canada's land area does its largest territory take up?

*Nunavut.*

Did you hear about the world's largest pickle?

It's a really big dill!

A husband's new wife really wants...

A husband's new wife really wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon. The husband agrees, even though he tends to get horribly seasick on the water.

So the day before the wedding, he goes to a drugstore. He gets a jumbo pack of condoms, and the largest bottle of dramamine in the store.

At the checkout counter, the cashier looks at his condoms and dramamine and asks, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?

WalMart's own brand of wine

WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

Three people walk into a bar.

First person: I want the largest glass of beer you have.

Second person: You want the largest glass of beer we have?

Third person: He wants the largest glass of beer you have.

I was fat

and had a beer belly so big i couldn't see my toes. so i prayed to be able to see my toes again.



i can now proudly say i am the record holder for the largest feet in the world

Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberries. So one farmer says Mrs. Thompson, do you put cow manure on your strawberries. She replied, No, I either eat them plain or add sugar and cream.

Magnificent Niagara

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.


I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".


While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.


It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

Alaskan said to Texan: Stop bragging....

...about how big your state is, or we'll divide Alaska in half and make you the third largest state.

Sean Spicer said the inauguration had the "largest audience ever."

Then he took it back because your mother left.

News: British man who built world's largest Rubik's cube builds world's largest fidget spinner.

He then went home to the world's emptiest bed.

Why did the man eating the largest cut of sirloin feel super sad when he was told the restaurant was closing down?

Because he was the biggest steakholder.

The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.

Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.

Why is America the largest importer of coffee?

So they can flavor their milkshakes.

The Titanic

So, not many people know, back in the 1900's mayonnaise was only made in Europe. The titanic carried 1200 cases scheduled for delivery in the port of Vera Cruz as her next dock after her stop in New York. What would have been the first largest shipment sadly went down with the ship. The Mexicans were so upset over the loss they still celebrate a day of mourning which we know now as sinko de mayo.

What is the largest super bowl of them all?

Forty.

I figured out what the largest number is: -1

Because 0 is bigger than it.

I like my women how I like my coffee.

The largest size I can get and preferably Colombian.

I thought I would post the joke with my punchline instead of plugging it every time this joke is used.

What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes?

Idaho

Two things I've learned from the Internet:

A) My mother is the largest thing in the universe

and

B) Everyone is still lining up for a turn at her.

What's the largest religion in North Korea?

Crystal Methodists

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes