largest Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious largest puns

I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"

"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."

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3 hookers are at a bar

They are each taking shots until one talks about how she can take the biggest cock. She says "I can by far take the largest cock, I can fit a whole remote in my vag"

The second hooker says "Thats nothing I can fit a whole wine bottle in my vag and not even feel it"

The third hooker sits there silently as she slides down the bar stool

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So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

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Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

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A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet."

"...what color dragon do you want?"

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*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

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A gynecologist tells his patient "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen! You have the largest vagina I've ever seen!"

The woman says "well doctor you didn't have to say it twice.."

The doctor replies "I didn't! ^I ^didn't! ^^I ^^didn't! ^^^I ^^^didn't! ^^^^I ^^^^didn't! ^^^^"

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Two men just got away with the largest Viagra heist in history.

Police say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

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I just ate four cans of alphabet soup...

...and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

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A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

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There were three restaurants

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

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What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis?

Long John Silver


First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

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What's the largest database for child sex predators?

IMDB

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A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

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A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

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A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest biker with the most tattoos and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

" A couple of minutes ago."

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My favorite joke, and very easy to personalize.

Three guys are on a casual walk one day when they pass by The Guinness Book of World Records corporate office. All three of them have the same idea. "It would be awesome to hold a world record for something!"

So the first guy says, "I have big hands, I bet I have the worlds largest hands." He goes in and comes out a few minutes later with a plaque for the worlds largest hands.

The next guy says, "I bet I have the worlds largest feet." And then he goes in and comes out smiling with a plaque for the worlds largest feet.

Finally, the last guy says, "I bet I have the worlds smallest penis." So he goes in the the office and comes out a few minutes later with a dejected look on his face. The guy with the biggest hands says, "what happened? I thought you for sure had the smallest penis."

The guy replies, "I don't know. Who the fuck is (put in friends name)?"

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RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

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Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "David is dead!"

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The world's largest egg is laid by the Ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

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As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

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I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...

I'll see myself out.

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Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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What's the world's largest pan?

Japan.

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United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

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Lets make a circle!

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.

The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."

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Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export.

And Import.

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
>
> 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
>
> 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came
> upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
> I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
>
> So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
> smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out
> his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now,
> back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!
>
> St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
>
> 'Couple of minutes ago.'

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Someone asked me what the largest state in the US is...

...I told them I don't know but I know a girl who might so Alaska.

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The Mortician's big Discovery

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" She screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

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Coworker: Give me two dollars to eat this rotten grape.

Me: Hell yes.
Wikipedia: Give us two dollars to continue running one of the largest repositories of free knowledge in history.
Me: Who the fuck do you think I am

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Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

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An English teacher asked their students: "Of all the characters in the Old Testament, who do you think is the most developed?"

A student responded, "Noah, because he has the largest story Ark."

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Russian Condoms!

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor....you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

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What are the best Largest jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Largest? Well, here are the best Largest dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Largest pick up lines to share with friends.

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