Laptop Jokes

What are some Laptop jokes?

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"


I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean

A dell must be rolling in the deep

A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.

The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.

Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"

The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

Hey, are you the bottom of my laptop?

Because you're really hot and it's making me nervous.

We had a big storm on the weekend, we had a blackout and you couldn't go outside. After a while the batteries on my laptop and phone had run out so I read the newspaper and finished my latest book. After that there was nothing to do so I sat down and talked to my wife for an hour or so.

She seems quite nice.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...

So I took the laptop and left...

Left... ?? Then what ??

Nothing...

30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....

So I asked him:

Will you buy it ??

Everytime I turn my laptop on it says hello to me

Probably because it's a Dell

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."

He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"

She hands him 5 dollars.

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

How did your interview go yesterday?

\- Well, I entered the office and found the interviewer sitting on a large black leather chair. He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to go outside with it and then come back and try to sell it. He thought himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street.

\- So what did you do?

\- Well, obviously I obliged. I took the laptop and left the room.

\- Then what?

\- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up. Begging me to return it cause all his important documents were in it. So I asked him: will you buy it?

I'm so white









... my laptop screen dims as I sit in front of it.

I like my women like I like my viruses.

Safely contained on my laptop.

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

I once dropped my laptop into the lake

Now it's just a dell rolling in the deep

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

A man is telling a story to his friend.

He says:

- So last night I was at that sexy girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...

At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:

- What you laughin' at? If you were there, we could have taken the TV!

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?

Because it has two shifts.

As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable.

I guess power corrupts.

What's the worst part about jerking off in the shower?

When your laptop breaks.

What's the difference between chrome and chromium?

Chrome will heat my laptop to 1907 °C and still remain frozen.

I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, Here, sell this to me.
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, You want to buy it back?

So a tech support has a house call...

When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let's him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says "I hope you don't mind I ate some of your nuts." The little lady says "Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways."

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So does the microwave. So popcorn won't happen.

So I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like such a nice person.

What do you call a laptop in the ocean?

A Dell, rolling in the deep.

I spilled coffee on my laptop.

now it won't go into sleep mode..

I dated a kleptomaniac once

She stole my heart, and my laptop.

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

Moving out

About a month ago, I turned 21 and my parents said that I should consider moving out. Although they didn't directly say that I should leave, I could tell that they wanted me to move. I agreed with them. My room was too small for me anyways, so I packed my clothes, my TV, and my laptop. I finalized my plan and left two days later. It's been about a month and my new place is okay, but there is only one problem. There is no heater, so I may have to move out of the basement and go back upstairs to my room.

My 6-Year-old came up to me While I was paying thetaxes on my laptop

6yr: What game are you playing?
Me: Paying the taxes.
6yr: Are you winning?
Me: No, In fact I lost 6 Years ago.

"You know, honey, when i'm old and very ill, i don't want to live like a vegetable..

i don't want to depend on any machine or any other fluids that are supposed to keep me alive". As i said that to her, she looked at me dearly, then she went on to confiscate my phone, laptop and flushed down the toilet all the beer i had.

What happens when you throw a laptop into the ocean?

You have a Dell, rolling in the deep.

I threw my laptop into the ocean..

Its a Dell rolling in the deep.

My wife wants a baby, she asked how motile my sperm is.

I replied "I'm not sure, but I've seen it leap over a laptop"

"I've been a very bad girl. I need to be punished." She said...

"Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.

I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train.

That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

The down arrow key on my laptop isn't functional. IT asked me if they should call the on-site repair guy to come in today...

I told them it wasn't pressing.

"I've been a naughty, naughty girl" she said to me, biting her lower lip, "and I need to be punished"

So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.

They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.

All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

I went in for a job interview today...

The manager, looking for a great salesperson, picked up a laptop and said "sell me this laptop".

I proceeded to stick it under my armpit and walk out.

A few minutes later, the manager called my cellphone upset saying "bring it back!!!"

I said "i'll sell it to you for $200 bucks!"

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

It recently came out that ISIS was developing a bomb disguised as a laptop battery to take on airplanes

They must have been taking Notes from Samsung

Job Interview

I was at a job interview today, and my employer gave me a laptop and asked me to sell it to him. I then walked out the door with the laptop under my arm.
A few hours later, he called me at home and demanded that I give it back to him, to which I replied; "200 Bucks and it's yours."

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn't get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

Nickelodeon - Casually ask your daughter who that actress' is...

Then take your laptop to the bathroom.

I sat at the cafe today.


No cellphone.

No tablet.

No laptop.

I just sat there.

Drinking coffee.

Like a Psychopath.

How to make Laptop jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Laptop to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Laptop? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Laptop pick up lines to share with friends.

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