Language Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP

Here's a tip! If your phone autocorrects "fuck" to "duck", don't bother correcting it...

It's still fowl language.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Holy shit this blew up

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Jonny the 5th grader needs to take a piss.

Jonny says to his teacher, "Ms. Hill can I go take a piss?"

Ms. Hill says, "Jonny, that's not appropriate language for a 5th grader. The proper word to use is urinate. Now, before you go to the bathroom.. use it in a sentence"

Jonny replied, "Urinate, but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger tits."

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?

Edward, says her hands.

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . .

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."



*joke not meant to disparage Russians

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them

What's a lesbians favorite language?

Gaelic

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks three languages is trilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American.

The three most well known languages in India are English, Hindi, and...

JavaScript

I heard this one today.

A man asks a woman:

*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*

**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**

*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*

**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**

*So she can breathe while she sucks a dick.*


Sorry for a poor phrasing, English is not my first language.

The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest?

Life without parole

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language...

you're American.

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

Sign language is pretty handy.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

What's the cleanest language in the world?

Polish

What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

A professor is giving his class a lesson about languages.

He says, "In some languages, a double negative stays negative, while in English, a double negative becomes a positive. There is no language, however, where a double positive becomes a negative."

A student at the back of the class says, "Yeah, right."

The other day my European friend ask me about our views on lesbians in this country.

Apparently, "usually in HD" was not the answer she was looking for

P.S sorry english not my native language

A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

A double positive.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

Math is like another language

2n+2n is 4n to me

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?

Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version...

Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

A guy 10 stories up needs a saw

He's working on a construction crane, and he yells down to a worker below. He gets no reply. They do make eye contact, however. So he tries sign language. He points to himself, points to his knee, and then makes a sawing motion. "I kneed saw" The guy below gets the idea, rips his belt off, throws his pants down, whips his dick out, and starts going to town. The guy above storms all the way down, and when he gets to the bottom he says, "What the fuck? I was saying I needed a saw." The guy with his dick out then responded, I know, like I said, "I'm coming."

Road Head

I'm going to preface this joke by telling you that I am terrible at telling jokes, English is not my first language and if you can make this sound better by rewriting it, please do, as I'd love to hear it. Also, I haven't heard this joke before, nor have I seen it here.

So, a married couple is driving when the woman decides to give her husband head. Its going great until the man is about to cum because the car loses control, hits into a wall and the husband dies.

At the funeral, the wife stands up to say her speech. She starts:
"My husband was a great man. He wasn't a smart man, but he was a good person and a great lover. Know that he died in a moment of ecstasy."
His mother stood up and shouted "Maybe **YOU** shouldn't have been driving."

Two guys.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

A boy is trying to sell fish...

A boy is trying to sell fish so he screams "Dam fish, get your dam fish here."

A pastor walks up and asks: "Why are you using bad language?"

The boy explains that he caught them at the local dam.

The pastor buys one and takes it home and tells his wife to "Cook the dam fish!"

She says: "I didn't know pastors talked like that" so he explained it to her.

Later at the table he says to his wife: "Pass the dam fish"

and the son says

"Thats the spirit dad, pass the fucking potatoes!"

It's really fascinating that I've been able to see language evolve over just a couple generations. For example, what they used to call a chesterfield we now call a couch, what they used to call a veranda we now call a porch, and what they used to call a joke we now call

a president.

A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fucking missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck, I missed". The priest said, "That's it god will certainly strike you down."

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, "Oh fuck I missed".

Joining the church and . . .

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

What are the funniest language jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Language? Well, here are the best Language puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Language pick up lines to share with friends.

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