lane Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lane puns

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

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What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

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I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.

It was a trip down memory lane.

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A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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Personally, I'm looking forward to the end of Net Neutrality.

Watching porn in the internet slow lane is going to cure my premature ejaculation.

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Politics is like driving

No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

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5 minutes

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

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I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall.

I thought of having them.

Nails always come in handy.

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Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?

So they can use the car pool lane.

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Lover's Lane

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.

The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"

"I'm reading a book sir."

"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.

"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."

With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"

"I'm 20."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."

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The old farmer said, Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a 'post tortoise' was.

The farmer said, When you're driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man's face so he continued to explain. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.

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Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late...

The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down.

Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied "sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane.

Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied "No sir, I am Abbey Lane"

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I drove a bus at a street where the houses were numbered 64K,128K,256K,512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

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i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith

thank god i was dragged out by the smiths

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An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.

The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."

John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"

The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"

John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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A cop drives up an isolated country lane and sees a car parked.

He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat and a boy in the front seat.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is.

The boy replies, "She's listening to music, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

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Little Johnny is going places

Little Johnny is walking down the country lane and passes Farmer Joe. Farmer Joe asks "Boy, where you going with that chicken wire?" Little Johnny replies "To get me some chickens." Farmer Joe replies "Silly boy. You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Two hours later little Johnny passes Farmer Joe dragging the chicken wire with a dozen chickens caught up in it.

The next day, same thing. Little Johnny is walking by and Farmer Joe asks "Boy, where you going with that duct tape?" "To catch me some ducks." "Stupid boy. You can't catch ducks with duct tape!!" Two hours later Farmer Joe's jaw drops as little Johnny walks by with the tape rolled out behind him and about 15 ducks stuck in it.

The next day, right on cue, little Johnny walks by again. Farmer Joe asks "Boy, where you going with that stick?" "Ain't got a stick. It's a Pussy Willow." Farmer Joe says "Wait up boy. I'm coming with you!"

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The pope goes for a cruise

The pope arrives in new york and is getting into his limo when he pauses and asks the driver if he could drive. The driver says of course, you are the pope who am I to tell you no. So the pope is driving around New York with his driver in the back. It's been far too long since since he's been behind the wheel and his driving shows it. His eyes are old and can't see very well, he's swerving in and out of his lane. Inevitably he ends up getting pulled over. The cop comes up to the car sees who's driving and without saying a word slowly turns and walks back to his cruiser. He goes to his partner and says "we've got an extremely important person in the limo." his partner replies "who is it, the mayor?" "Bigger" the cop says. "what like the governor?" "BIGGER" the cop replies again. "It isn't the president, is it?" "I don't know who's in the back, but whoever it is has the fucking pope driving them around!"

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That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way home (for automotive reasons) we pull into a gas station. My dad perks up, face scrunching in focus, and he says: "there's the ball!"

I said: "Dad, that's a short fat man buying a granola bag."

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A couple have just left a party...

A couple have just left a party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.

The woman wants some fun so strips off her dress to flash at passers-by. In doing so, the boyfriend gets distracted and crashes the car into a nearby ditch.

The naked woman is thrown clear however her boyfriend is stuck in the wreckage. The only item of clothing nearby is her boyfriends shoe so she grabs it to cover her crotch and heads to a nearby garage.

She sees a mechanic and shouts "help! My boyfriends stuck." The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "Your going to need a doctor. He's too far in."

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I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend and how great her breasts were.

It was a real trip down mammary lane.

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When everything is coming your way...

You're in the wrong lane.

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The Greek Prime Minister visits the Spanish Prime Minister.

The Spanish PM invites the Greek PM to his house.
"Wow! This is magnificent! How can you afford this amazing household when your country is in so much debt?? I see you've even added on so much to it!" says the Greek PM.
"Look out that window. Do you see that bridge? I had a 10 million euro budget to build a four lane, two way bridge. Instead, I built a one lane bridge with traffic lights on either end, for half as much" responded the Spanish PM.
"And the other 5 million?" asked the Greek PM.
The Spanish PM gestured to the add ons to his house.
The next week, the Spanish PM was invited to the Greek PM's house.
"This....this is amazing....how can you afford such a gorgeous mansion with so much debt in Greece??" asked the Spanish PM.
"Look out te window. Do you see that bridge?" asked the Greek PM.
"No." Said the Spanish PM.
The Greek PM just smiled.

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Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Money-minded Cabbie!!

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

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A Jewish girl....

.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.

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Batman and his girlfriend's birthday present.

Batman and his girlfriend debating as to what should be her birthday present.

"I know what. The other day I had a chat with Lois Lane and you know what Superman got her as a pressie? says his partner.

"Tell me, sugarplum!

She whispers it into his ears. Batman blushes and says:

"No way, I can't do that...

"Please, just this once!

"You know full well that I can't...

"Please! Pretty please!

Batman loses it and bursts out indignantly:

"I couldn't give a flying fuck!

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Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain

Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.

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A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

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Driving home very drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

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This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

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a woman and her boyfriend

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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What are the most funny Lane jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lane? Well, here are the best Lane dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lane pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes