Lands Jokes

So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"

The gnat says, "gnat at all."

The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."

The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.

The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.

The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.

A blonde...

...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".

credits to u/Mr-Everest

Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

Putin lands at Helsinki airport...

...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"

He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"

The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...

Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.

Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.

Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...

After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."


Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."

"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

The lone Ranger and Tonto

The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.

A man goes on vacation...

And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.

He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."

Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"

His brother asks how

He says "well maybe the first day I call you could say the cat got on the roof. Then the second day you could say like the fire fighters couldn't get him down. And then on the third day you could tell me."

The brother says "okay I'll keep that in mind."

The man asks" so how's mom?"

"She's on the roof"

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.

First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.

Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.

The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.

At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."

The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.

The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.

The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"

2 Newfies are landing a airplane

2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps". "Roger" says the co-pilot. The pilot says, "That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps." After a second, the pilot screams, "The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down!". The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, "Wow, that runway was really short" and the pilot says, "Yes, but look how wide it is."

A minister, priest, and a rabbi....

Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.

The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."

The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".

The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"

Three Priest are deciding what to do with the church donations for the week

One priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw all the money in tha air and whatever lands inside the circle they give to God. The second priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle they give to God. The third priest suggests that they simply throw the money into the air, and whatever God wants he takes.

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

Magic slide

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide shout out what you wish to slide into."

So the first man goes and as he gets to the bottom shouts "marshmellows!", and he lands into a huge bed of marsh mellows.

The second man hears his friend's glee and decides to give it a go. As he gets to the bottom he shouts "cash!", and he lands into a huge bed of $100 dollar notes.

The blonde sees everyone seems to be having heaps of fun decides to give it a go as well. As she gets to the bottom she gets incredibly excited and shouts "weeeeeeeee!"

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister go golfing

They're all discussing what to do with the donations from their congregations. How much should they keep and how much should they give back to God.

The Priest says: "Let's draw a circle and throw all of the money up in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle we give to God and anything that lands outside we keep."

The Minister says: "No, whatever lands outside the circle we give to God and anything that lands inside, we keep."

Then the Rabbi says: "Guys, I've got it! We throw all of the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi...

...all meet up for lunch after service. The priest ask how they divvy up their pay from the collections.

The priest says "I draw a circle, stand in the middle and throw everything up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle god has chosen for me to keep and everything outside goes to charitable work and expenses. "
The monk was fascinated and says "I do the same thing. Only difference is I keep everything that goes outside of the circle and use what's in the circle for the church."
The rabbi is taken back. "You know what?! I do the EXACT same thing. I throw all the money in the air and whatever stays in the air God has chosen to use for the church and whatever hits the ground is mine to keep."

3 men walk in the desert

They are thirsty and would do anything for a drink. Suddenly they see a giant slide and a sign next to it. It reads, Slide down the slides and shout the name of the drink you want and when you reach the bottom of the slide, there will be a pool of it

The first man slides down the slide and shouts, WATER! and lands in a pool of that

The next man slides and shouts, COKE and lands in a pool of that

The last man slides, and enjoys himself so much that he shouts, WEEEEE

A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..

On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.

5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.

A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.

A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.

Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

Three men are on an airplane...

One of them has a knife, one has a gun, and the other has a bomb. The first guy with the knife, realizes that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, so he throws the knife out the window.

The second guy, with the gun, also decides that he cannot go through with hijacking the plane, and throws his gun out the window.

Alas, the third guy also makes this decision, and throws the bomb out of the window.

Their plane lands sometime later and they decide to grab a drink at the bar. Upon walking up to a bar they notice everyone is gathered around the tv, watching intently. It shows 3 children...

"what happened?" the men ask the fellow patrons.

"shh, just watch"

On TV:

Reporter: "Son, why are you crying?"

Kid 1: "My daddy got stabbed by a knife from the sky!!!"

The man that threw the knife out realizes that it was his knife and feels horrible...

Reporter: "Little girl, why are you crying?"

Kid 2: "My daddy got shot from a gun falling from the sky!!!"

The man that threw the gun out realizes that it was his gun and feels horrible...

Reporter talking to the final child: "Kid, why are you... laughing?"

Kid 3: "My daddy farted and the house blew up!!!!"

In light of today's events in Toronto

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.

When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!

"You almost forgot this!", she said.

The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."

She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"

"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

So a crow sits alone in a park...

A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, and once again they begin to talk for a while. The three crows would chat back and forth until another crow would fly by, where they would turn their focus on getting the other crows to land on the bench. Occasionally one would land only to fly away a couple minutes later. This would continue on and off for a few hours before multiple police suddenly arrive and arrest the crows for attempted murder.

A German lands in Paris...

Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:

-Occupation?

-Oh, no no, just visiting!

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with the money from the collection plate.

The priest says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God; whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The minister explains that he has a very similar method: He draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle he gives to God, whereas whatever lands inside the circle he keeps.

I, too, have a system, the rabbi says. I throw the money up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

Β The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, Why are the people so bored with my father's speech? The courtier replied, Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account.

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

What's Peter Pan's brother's name?

Peter Pot.
He gets so high he never lands.

NASA sends a redneck and a chimpanzee to the moon.

When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-

1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.

The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The redneck then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf...

...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."

"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.

"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."

Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.

As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"

"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"

...

...

"It's horrible."

"Agree."

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how they use the money in their collection plates...

The minister says: "I draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I keep for myself and whatever lands outside I give to the Lord."

The priest says: "I have a similar process but when I draw my circle and throw my money I keep whatever lands outside the circle and give what lands inside to the Lord."

The rabbi says: " I throw the money in the air and whatever God wants, he takes!"

My Macedonian grandfather's favourite joke

An Orthodox Priest, a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are talking about how they divide up the money they get in collections from their congregations.

Catholic Priest: "To divide up the money, we draw two circles on the ground; one small one inside one big one. We throw the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the big circle we give to use for the church, and whatever lands in the small circle we keep for ourselves."

Orthodox Priest: "Yes - we do something like that too, except, whatever lands in the small circle we give to God, and whatever is in the big circle we keep to ourselves."

Rabbi: "Well, you see, we too do something similar. We draw two circles on the ground - one small one inside one big one. And then we throw the money up in the air.... and whatever God wants, he takes!"

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Monk

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk go golfing. After a few holes they decide to get down to business. They're trying to figure out how much of their money they should donate to the church. How much should they tell their members to give?


After much debate the Catholic Priest says, "let's draw a circle around the cup and throw all of our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give that percentage to God. It is his will.

The Buddhist monk says, "I like that idea but why don't we donate everything that lands outside the box instead?"

The Rabbi looks at both of them and says, "Why don't we throw the money in the air and let God keep what he wants?"

Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf

So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par.
This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air before again landing in the pond. Amazingly a fish swallows the ball, just as it does this a big bird grabs it out of the pond, the fish drops the ball midair and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one!
Moses then turns to Jesus and goes "i hate playing with your dad"

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

Once upon a time, there was a baby turtle...

...and this turtle was trying to climb one of the highest trees in the forest. It was an arduous and time consuming job, but the little turtle kept going for hours and hours, until he finally reached the top of the tree. Once there, he looks down, counts to three, and jumps off. The little turtle, bounces off a couple of branches and lands on the ground upside down. He fought and fought, and finally, got on his feet and was determined to climb that tree again. After a couple more hours, he finally reached the top, counted to three, and jumped again. He bounced off the branches and once again landed on his shell. Even more determined than before the turtle gets on his feet, climbs the tree and jumps once more.
A couple of feet away there were two pigeons who were watching the events unfold, when one of them says to the other "Honey, I think it's time to tell little Jimmy that he's adopted."

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam...

A priest, a rabbi and an imam are walking through a field discussing the glory of God. The priest comes up with an idea.

"Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, God can keep."

The imam says, "I have an even better idea. Let's draw the same circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Except this time, whatever lands outside the circle, God can keep."

The rabbi exclaims, "I have the best idea. Let's throw all our money in the air and whatever stays up there, God can keep."



Hope this didn't offend.

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

Monkey in a Tree

A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what's the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree first....you must shoot the Chihuahua."

So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.

A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can't decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.

The priest says We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us

The imam says No we should throw it in the air and whatever lands in the circle goes to us and whatever lands outside goes to god

The rabbi chimes in smugly and says How about we throw the money in the air and let god takes what he wants?

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?

A flat minor.

It's an overcast afternoon, so Jimmy sticks his hand out the window to see if it's raining...

As he does he's surprised when a glass eye lands in his open palm. Curious, he looks up and sees an attractive woman looking down from the balcony above.
"Um, is this yours?" he asks, holding up the optic.
"Yes, thank you!" she replies. "I'm Linda, can you bring it up for me?"
When Jim arrives, Linda asks if he'd like to stay for dinner. During the evening one thing leads to another and they end up having a passionate night together.
"That was wonderful" says Jim, "tell me, do you do this often?"
"No" Linda replies, "only if someone catches my eye..."

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

So there's this magical mountain...

...where people jump off, and land in a pool of whatever they yell. There are three chicks, a brown-haired girl, and brunette, and a blonde. The brown-haired girl jumps, and yells "CANDY!", and lands in a huge pool of candy. The brunette jumps off and yells "MONEY!", and lands in a pool of money. The blonde jumps and yells "CANNONBALL!".

Watching gymnastics

*gymnast does a double-triple-super-ultra-backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*

Me : *mouthful of pringles* what a loser

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution.

The Englishman goes first and screams "Gooooold". He lands on a pile of gold and badly injures himself but he is content.

The Scotsman thinks then jumps on and shouts "Looooove". He lands safely in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

The Irishman who hadn't been paying too much attention is just eager to get on the slide. He dives head first onto the slide, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

A Leaf and an Emo Person Both Fall From a Tree.

What lands first?

The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.

A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.

She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.

Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud.
Nun: Then come whisper it into my ear.

The girl scurries over and whispers something. The nuns face boils. She is both shocked and horrified. She screams "What did you say?!?!"

The girl startled yells out " I said I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun replies relieved " Oh thank the heavens I thought you said Protestant."

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?

An airplane

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I'll take Nunavut.

In honor of Leif Erikson Day...

Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.

"I've been a dedicated member of this community for many years. Why am I not on the town list?" he asked.

"I'm sorry about the mistake, Mr. Erikson," replied the clerk, "I must've taken Leif off my census!"

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?"
The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa farted, and the house behind him blew up!"

Why is Peter Pan always flying ?

He never lands.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads 'As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted'.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts 'I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!', and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goes down and shouts 'I WANT A THOUSAND APPLE SHARES!' When he reaches the bottom he lands in a huge pile of share certificates.

The third friend, very excited, slings his legs over the edge, pushes himself off down the slide, and shouts 'WHEEEEEEEE!'

What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

We have collected gags that can be used as Lands pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Lands, here are one liners and funny Lands pick up lines.

Joko Jokes