Lands Jokes
140 lands jokes and hilarious lands puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Explore ingenious and witty jokes that revolve around lands and farms. Hear these and other humorous anecdotes related to jumps, leaps and farmland. Get a good chuckle out of this collection of jokes.
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Funniest Lands Short Jokes
Short lands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lands humour may include short yards jokes also.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
- In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
- So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
- A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
- TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
- Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.
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Lands One Liners
Which lands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lands? I can suggest the ones about landlord and areas.
- Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
- Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
- La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
- Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
- What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!
- Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?
- Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
- What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
- The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel
- How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land? The dog leash slackens.
(Cr - How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
- Why don't native Americans like snow? Because it's white and all over their land.
- Why is the sea salty? Because the land does not wave back.
- My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake. I told him it Israel.
- If aliens really landed in America "Take me to your leader"
"... you sure?"
Lands End Jokes
Here is a list of funny lands end jokes and even better lands end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends. It's her day 5 behind the fridge.
- In Minecraft, there are the Overworld Lands, the End Lands, and the... Nether Lands.
Now I know why I can't play Minecraft in my Dutch class. - What's a flat earther's favorite clothing brand? Land's End
Lands Butter Jokes
Here is a list of funny lands butter jokes and even better lands butter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box They are keeping the land though
- If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
- Why was the umpire relieved after accidentally dropping his toast? Because it landed Butter Up!
The Funniest Lands Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about lands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean woods jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lands pranks.
A German lands in Paris...
Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:
-Occupation?
-Oh, no no, just visiting!
Tense, moody joke
Guy lands at Logan, hops a cab, and says to the driver, "Well now that i'm in Boston, where can I get scrod?" Cabbie says, "You know, I've heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...
A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.
A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"
So there's a fly...
and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"
Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are playing golf...
Moses steps up first and lands his ball in a water hazard. He then proceeds to part the water where the ball is and lands it in the hole.
Jesus hits his ball and also lands it in the water hazard. So he walk on the water, picks it up, places it on a nearby lily pad and also lands it in the hole.
Now the old bearded guy steps up and just hits the ball with all his strength. The ball goes flying! It then proceeds to hit a nearby rooftop, bounce along the grass and land on a lily pad. A frog appears and eats the golf ball. Then out of nowhere a bird picks up the frog in its talons and flies off. As the bird flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball and it manages to land the ball in the hole...
After witnessing this Moses turns towards Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
Three Priest are deciding what to do with the church donations for the week
One priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw all the money in tha air and whatever lands inside the circle they give to God. The second priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle they give to God. The third priest suggests that they simply throw the money into the air, and whatever God wants he takes.
In honor of Leif Erikson Day...
Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.
"I've been a dedicated member of this community for many years. Why am I not on the town list?" he asked.
"I'm sorry about the mistake, Mr. Erikson," replied the clerk, "I must've taken Leif off my census!"
So there's this magical mountain...
...where people jump off, and land in a pool of whatever they yell. There are three chicks, a brown-haired girl, and brunette, and a blonde. The brown-haired girl jumps, and yells "CANDY!", and lands in a huge pool of candy. The brunette jumps off and yells "MONEY!", and lands in a pool of money. The blonde jumps and yells "CANNONBALL!".
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Dramatic Arts
Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...
An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "v**...!", and lands into bottles of v**... at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.
An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy
An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"
What's the the deal with Peter Pan?
He always flies but he Never Lands. This joke is funny because it never grows old.
Confucius Say
It is only when a mosquito lands on your t**... that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.
The King of Slaveria fancied himself quite the Casanova
He was renowned throughout the lands for his voracious s**... appetite, and never travelled anywhere without at least a half a dozen concubines in his royal entourage. It so happened that on a voyage to survey his lands across the sea that his royal ship ran into a hurricane and sank. All were lost save the King and his Royal Jester who managed to make it to a small desert island. Well, it wasn't long before the King was at his wit's end.....
What do you call it when you flip a quarter and it lands on its edge.
*coin*cidence
A dumb blond, a smart blonde, and the easter bunny all jump off a cliff. Who lands first?
The dumb blonde. The smart blonde and easter bunny don't exist.
A black guy and a jewish guy jump off a building, who lands first?
who cares.
The lone Ranger and Tonto
The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
A Chemist, An Engineer, and A Statistician
A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"
A Spaniard moves to Canada. After his flight lands, he goes to get some dinner.
He orders pork. A local asks him why.
How do landscapers keep their seams from ripping?
Well let me tell you; They don't beat around the bush! They n**... it in the bud and use Hem-Lock!
How come Landscapers have huge loads?
They are always edging.
You know why I like Peter Pan?
He never lands.
(I like this joke cause it never gets old)
A Leaf and an Emo Person Both Fall From a Tree.
What lands first?
The leaf, a rope stopped the emo.
What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining after it lands
An Irish man, a Russian man and an English man all go to a magic park
At the park there is a magic slide and each man who goes down it will recive a p**... of whatever they desire
The Irish man says "gold!" And he lands in a p**... of gold.
The Russian man says "silver! " and he lands in a p**... of silver.
The English man says "Weee! " and he lands in a p**... of wee.
What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?
An airplane
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
What's Peter Pan's brother's name?
Peter p**....
He gets so high he never lands.
A dumb blonde a smart blonde and santa clause all jump off of a building at the same time. Who lands first?
The dumb blonde the other two dont exist
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
A man falls over and lands on a globe.
He heads to the doctors.
The doctor asks what's wrong.
"I've got this spain in my a**...."
My landscaper is also a paramedic
He told me he makes more money mowing my lawn than he would finding me on my lawn having a heart attack.
2017 First UFO lands
Alien: "Take me to your leader."
*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.
Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."
A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"
He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."
Two Bald Eagles
A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.
He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.
"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.
"Oh this?", he points to his head with his wing, "I'm trying hare in plants."
A bird lands in a bush between two others..
He turns to one on his right and asks s**... ? The other bird replies angrily No spit! . He looks at the bird to his left Hmm thorny subject .
My 8 year old cousin asked me if I wanted to hear a joke
Amanda: "I want to tell you a joke. Okay:
A snowman wants to go on vacation.
He wants to go to Chile because he thinks it will be chilly--BUT--he actually lands in a bowl of chilli.
Then he dies."
I spent a summer in the beautiful lands of Siberia.
It was the best week of my life.
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.
The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"
Three whales fall from the sky. Two hit the beach, then the last lands in the water...
BA-DUM PSSHHH
Why does the Pope kiss the ground after he lands?
He flies Alitalia.
Whenever I'm out drinking I flip a coin
If it lands on heads, I get another drink, if it lands on tails, I flip the coin again
What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?
My lands!
A blonde...
...works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.
The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.
"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
credits to u/Mr-Everest
Icarus arrives at the airport.
Ahead of him, a husband and wife shepherd their two children, a boy and girl, toward their gate.
"Dad, can I have a taco before the flight?" The boy asks.
The father sighs, relenting. "All right."
Three hours later, Icarus lands. His father waits outside, ready to greet him.
"Good to see you!" He exclaims, then pauses, looking at Icarus's suit. "Geez, you got v**... all over you. What happened?"
Icarus shrugs. "I flew too close to the son."
I used to be a landscape gardener.
Got my clothes too dirty so I started doing it in portrait.
If Elon Musks car accidentally lands on the sun...
Will he be able to call Onstar?
Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...
He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"
The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".
Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"
...
...
"It's horrible."
"Agree."
An emo and a leaf fall of a tree who lands first
The leaf because the emo got caught by the noose.
A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control
His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"
What's white and stings when it lands in your eye?
A space shuttle
3 elephants fall off a cliff
2 land on land and the other lands in the water.
Boom. Boom. Tssh
An Englishman, an Scotsman and an Irishman...
are by a slide when a genie appears.
He grants the three men a wish each, as long as they say the wish going down the slide, in which they land in it.
So the Englishman goes first. As he's going down he says Money! And he lands in a p**... of money.
The Scotsman goes next. He slides down and he shouts n**... women! And he lands in a p**... of n**... women.
Lastly, it's Irishman's turn. He pushes himself down the slide and screams Weeeee!
An illiterate pirate lands at an island with a treasure map.
The map says "X marks the spot."
He is unable to find it.
An Englishman, a Scot and a Welshman walk into a bar.
They order a pint of beer each. As they are served a fly lands in their glass.
The English man pushes the pitcher away in disgust.
The Scot removes the fly with a finger and drinks the beer.
The Welsh guy picks up the fly, holds it above the pitcher and shouts : spit it out.
Why does Peter Pan never stop flying?
Because he Never Lands.
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.
Yo mama so fat
When she lands in fortnite, she gets a Victory Royale
Watching gymnastics
*gymnast does a double-triple-super-ultra-backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*
Me : *mouthful of pringles* what a loser
What's the different between an Aerophobic and a t**...?
Only of one of them is relieved when the plane safely lands.
An alien mother ship lands on Earth and demands to speak with our leader.
They land in front of a Libertarian. He says You're looking at him. And taxes are theft. They leave, confused.
How do you know if a pirate is racist?
He always lands the Arrrrgh!
Just a hotel bar...
There was a bar on the 42nd floor of the hotel. A dude drinks some whiskey . Then he says watch this. To a dude. He jumps out a window and right before he hits the ground he softly lands and comes back up to the bar. Puzzled, the dude asks how did you do that? The man says just drink some whiskey. The dude has some whiskey and jumps out the window and lands with a SPLAT!!! The bartender says Superman, your such a bad person when you are drunk.
A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...
He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"
The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"
The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"
If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?
A flat minor.
It's not until a mosquito lands on your g**......
That you realize that not everything can be solved with violence.
What happens when a duck lands on the net during a water polo game?
They call it a water fowl.
Why did the landscaper get fired?
He kept dropping his plants in public!
Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands
Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab
An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control
-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now
How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?
Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.
Good pickup line.
Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"
Yesterday I bought a world map.. gave my wife a dart and told her throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday .
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
A hearse was driving down the road...
When all of the sudden the back doors fling open. The coffin flies out of the hearse and it bounces all around the town, it cannot stop.
Eventually it stops and lands right in front of a drug store. The man in the coffin rises up and says Hey, you guys have anything that can stop this coughin'?
If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...
Reservations about reservations on the reservation.
