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Landed Jokes

151 landed jokes and hilarious landed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about landed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Landed Short Jokes

Short landed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The landed humour may include short landing jokes also.

  1. As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
  2. Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
  3. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
  4. So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
  5. A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
  6. Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  7. The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
  8. TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
  9. Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  10. TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

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Landed One Liners

Which landed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with landed? I can suggest the ones about hard landing and plane landing.

  1. Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  2. Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
  3. La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
  4. Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
  5. What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!
  6. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?
  7. Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  8. What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
  9. The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel
  10. How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land? The dog leash slackens.
    (Cr
  11. How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
  12. Why don't native Americans like snow? Because it's white and all over their land.
  13. Why is the sea salty? Because the land does not wave back.
  14. My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake. I told him it Israel.
  15. If aliens really landed in America "Take me to your leader"
    "... you sure?"

Plane Landed Jokes

Here is a list of funny plane landed jokes and even better plane landed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the Flat Earther who went skydiving? He landed on a plane.
  • What did Daddy Plane say to his Son when he refused to land? I don't appreciate your altitude right now,
  • Grandmother's in a better place now... Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.
  • 9/11 jokes are like the planes, They don't land
  • A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland. The immigration officer asks him
    "Occupation?" And the German man replies
    "No just visiting"
  • What do bad jokes have in common with the planes on 9/11? They don't stick the landing.
  • I took a photo while my plane was landing and got arrested... Apparently, its in-descent exposure.
  • If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing
  • Did you hear about the Russian plane that had to land in the middle of a corn crop? Don't worry, that pilot is the best in the field.
  • Say what you will about terrorism in Europe At least our planes take off and land at an airport.

Safely Landed Jokes

Here is a list of funny safely landed jokes and even better safely landed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.
  • What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely? An unfortu-naut...
    God that was horrible....
  • As a skydiving instructor, I realized midair that I had accidentally given my client the wrong backpack Me and my wife landed on the ground safely
  • My friend said that he can't Base Jump from the roof of my house and land safely Not with that altitude
  • What's the different between an Aerophobic and a t**...? Only of one of them is relieved when the plane safely lands.
Landed joke, What's the different between an Aerophobic and a t**...?

Helicopter Landed Jokes

Here is a list of funny helicopter landed jokes and even better helicopter landed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Yo mom a so fat she wore a Malcolm x shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
  • Yo momma's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X T-shirt, and a helicopter tried to land on her.
  • Did you hear what's happened with Mickey Mouses new helicopter? It Disney Land
  • Your momma is so fat She wore a Malcom X tee shirt and a helicopter tried to land on her.
  • Your Momma is so fat... ... when she wears a Malcolm X jacket helicopters try to land on her back.
  • Breaking news: A helicopter has c**... landed into a cemetery in Ireland The pilots didn't survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies.
  • What did the pirate say to the h**... in the helicopter? Land h**...!
Landed joke, What did the pirate say to the h**... in the helicopter?

Ridiculous Landed Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about landed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pilot landing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make landed pranks.

So we landed a car-sized object on Mars...

...but we have no plans to bring it back. As a matter of fact there's at least 3 of 'em up there. Does this make us the r**... of the Galaxy; leaving our broken down rovers all over our Solar System?

Arrows & Targets

A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."

Re-post but one of my all time favorites (somewhat altered)

One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"

How many Syrians does it take to launch a missle?

Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

I saw a crow on a tree outside my house today...

Another two landed briefly but then flew away again.
It was an attempted m**....

Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London

A 747 just landed at Heathrow Airport in London. After the captain shutdown the engines you could still hear the whining.

The anti pick-up line.

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"
I'd love to hear some of yours.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.
"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...
...wasn't the captains fault,
...definitely wasn't my fault,
...it was the asphalt."
The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

The excited blonde .

A blonde went to Brisbane for first time.. She was very excited and as soon as the plane landed in brisbane, she began shouting ''Brisbane Brisbane''
The air hostess being annoyed said '' Please mam , Be silent''
The blonde then shouted ''Risane Risane''

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.
It was a Thai.

The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

A little girl asks her father how she got her name

"well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose."
his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?"
"well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you lily."
his son comes runnign up to him and yells "huuuuuuuuuuur flugerr dhuuuur"
"shut up cinder block"

So we've now landed a probe on a comet...

and a lot of people are now saying "why are we spending billions landing on a comet when there are starving kids in Africa"...why do they want to land a probe on starving kids in Africa, maybe one of you can explain it to me?

An old American was visiting Paris and spend couple minutes at immigration control looking for his passport.

- "Monseigneur, have you ever been in Paris before?" asked officer impatiently.
- "Oh yes I have, but I didn't really have to show it" responded older gentleman.
- "Not possible, you always show passport to French officer"
-"Well the last time I landed in Normandy, I could not find a single
Frenchman to show my passport"

A father and his daughters

One day a girl asked her dad, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?" to which the father replied, "Well, Rose, after you were born, a rose pedal landed on your head, so we named you Rose." His other daughter then asked, "Daddy, why is my name Snowflake?" to which the father replied, "Well, Snowflake, after you were born, a snowflake landed on your head, so we named you Snowflake."
"hurrerrerehr" "Shut up, Cinder Block,"

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

Sources are saying Geno Smith threw the first punch

but it landed a few yards short and was returned for a touchdown.

A girl asks her father...

A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head."
Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head."
Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."

There are six American flags on the Moon.

Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now.
So it looks like the French landed there.

A mother has two daughters and a son.

A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".

What was the first thing the stowaway to Mars said after he landed?

Just out of Curiosity...

I saw a radical Muslim today...

He had just landed a kick-flip into a 50-50 grind.

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."
Satisfied, the child goes away.
Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"
"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."
The little girl smiles and goes on her way.
A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"
The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

Now it looks like France landed there...

A father with three daughters

is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"

Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"
Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"
Brezhnev: "Are you s**...? We will fly to there in the night!"

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.
"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."
In comes the youngest brother, and yells:
"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"
His mother calmly replies,
"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

Two thristy aliens landed on my keyboard

They were looking for the space bar

TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon

They'll think it was France

My time machine landed right in the middle of h**...'s living room

I thought to myself, now's my chance to make the world a better place
"Please sir," I pleaded, "Don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" h**... replied, "Hmm, I hadn't thought of that."

The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?". I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio. Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?". I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower petal fell onto her head after it blew in through a window. My youngest grunted,"Raaghhrgh?". I reply,"Quiet down now Cinderblock we already fed you!".

Have you ever heard of the band "stormtroopers"?

No wonder, they never landed a hit.

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

A mosquito landed on Vladimir Putin's arm the other day...

It was later found to have swatted itself in the back of the head.

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung.

I was too quick with the s**....

A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...

Easiest decision of my life..

A boy with swollen cheek.

Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.

A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.
I'm s**..., says the pilot.
God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not s**.... Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.
The pilot does this.
NOW you're s**..., says God.

To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from p**... evacuation.

My blonde girlfriend and I got into an argument because I accused her of being s**.... Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled, Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!

I replied, The plane hasn't landed yet.

There were 3 siblings...

The first kid, Rose, comes to their mom:
Mommy, why my name is Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a little rose landed in your forehead...
The second one, Plumy:
And why my name is Plumy, mommy?
Mom: Because when you were born a lil plume landed in your forehead...
Then comes Bricky:
AAAHHNSBALDU BRADUBLA BRUBDULO AHUE?

American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man.

- Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point?

I threw forty quarters into the air and every single one of them landed on the edge!

Perhaps I should have taken them out of the roll.

I played monopoly once and landed on every spot on the board except for one...

I never stood a chance.

What did I do when I accidentally landed in Iraq?

Iran

Why is my name daisy..

A baby cow asks her mother why is my name daisy? The mother says Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head. Another baby cow asks why is my name rose? The mother than says again, because when you were born a rose fell on your head. Than you hear DURDUHUEIJWJAI. ..mother cow- shut up brick

Did you know that the American flag on the moon was bleached due to solar radiation?

Now it looks like the French landed there first

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy

He's landed some acting roles but he can't do stand-up.

Hey dad, how did you meet mom?

Well son I was at a party and someone bet me to jump off the roof next thing I know there was a beautiful nurse tending to my wound
Oh so that was mom
No, she was the one I landed on

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be Java Developer.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that means he'll be making the coffee.

A bird pooped and it landed on the man's face.

Man: Such a blessing, Thank God, elephants don't fly.

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus's will.

I thought wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

My dad told me that on their walk today my dog was able to retrieve a tennis ball that landed 2 miles away

Sounds far fetched

Dad, why am I called rose?

Daughter 1: Dad, why am I called rose?
Dad: well when you were born a rose petal landed on your head, so we took it as a sign.
Daughter 2: so Dad, why am I called Lily?
Dad: for the same reason, when you were born a lily petal landed on your head.
Daughter 3: JAVDJDJ SKAOAOSBDBSIJS
Dad: be quiet, Fridge.

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can't even go to Canada.

I finally landed my dream job as a palaeontologist

It took years of studying and hard work, but I've never been happier.
As I excavated a new find from the ground, a mother and her young son passed by. She pointed at me and told him, "This is why you need to do well at school and get a good job, or else you'll spend the rest of your life digging in a hole just like him."

The bus c**... that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

An ugly son asks his Dad Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Because when she was coming out of the hospital, a rose fell from the sky and landed on her forehead.
US: Same for Penny?
Dad: Yup. A penny just fell onto her little head.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.

Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Because it looks like you landed on your face.

A mosquito landed on my b**...

Hardest decision of my life.

Three kids walk into a room

The first kid says to their mom mom why am I name daisy?
The mom replies because when you were born a daisy landed on your head
the second kid asks mom why am I named rose
The mom replied because when you were born I found a rose landed on your head
The third kid walks in uhh hello mumajsagshhshayayauh
The mom replies not now cinder block

Landed joke, Three kids walk into a room

jokes about landed