Land Jokes

Learn about the humor behind "Land Jokes"! This article will explore the funny side of Disney Land, Candy Land, The Holy Land, Trespass, Estate, and Heathrow. Discover the jokes, puns, and pop culture references made about these famous lands!

Hilarious Land Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.

My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?

It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!

I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?

Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.

jokes about land

In all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I made several discoveries

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

Land joke, A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"

"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"

"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill

I told him, "My door is always open".

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?

I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

Captain, shut up and land the plane.

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

You can explore land heathrow reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean land houston dad jokes. There are also land puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land...

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

Why is the ocean so salty?

The land never waves back.

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Land joke, Why do Indians hate snow?

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.

When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "

The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

Why is the sea salty?

Because the land does not wave back.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

Why don't native Americans like snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

Land joke, A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

Why do Indians not like snow?

It is white and settles on their land.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

Why is the ocean so salty?

Because the land doesn't wave back.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

(Yes it's old, but I still love it)

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.Β  "I said I was 87!"

Where do all the New York City landscapers live?

Lawn Guy Land

I started a company..

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!

Land O Lakes

Have you guys seen the new Land O Lakes butter packaging? They removed the Native American girl from their labels to be more politically correct.

Now that's the most American thing I've ever seen; remove the Indian and keep the land.

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Cr

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and on their land

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."

I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Long ago in a far away land,

A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.

"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our virgin girls" one of the villagers replies.

The hero then promises to help with their predicament and gets to work.

In three weeks' time, the dragon starved to death.

A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked So how are you doing?

Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.

Well that sucks, you'll probably land on your feet though.

Yea you're right, but you want to know what I hate?

Let me guess, Jews?

Well, now that you mention it…

My landlord doubled my rent. I'm going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I'm going to give up, drinking for a month.

What's the difference between a British SUV and a Libertarian?

One's a Land Rover and the other's a Rand Lover

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.

Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:

Hebrews.

I hate jokes about John Denver

They never land well.

2 newfies go fishing

So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

The guy in the front says to his buddy:

" This is a great spot, we should mark it"

So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X on the bottom of the boat.

"That ain't gonna work, siily" says the guy in the bow.

"Why not?" Asks the other guy. Bow guy responds:

"We might not get the same boat next time"

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn't happy.

She told me, I don't want a lot for Christmas.

I've got all these plane crash jokes…

…they just never seem to land.

What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?

LAND HOE

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the land holy land puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working land disney land piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes