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Land Jokes

172 land jokes and hilarious land puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about land that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Learn about the humor behind "Land Jokes"! This article will explore the funny side of Disney Land, Candy Land, The Holy Land, Trespass, Estate, and Heathrow. Discover the jokes, puns, and pop culture references made about these famous lands!

Funniest Land Short Jokes

Short land jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The land humour may include short yards jokes also.

  1. As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
  2. Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
  3. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
  4. So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
  5. A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
  6. Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  7. The moon landing was staged The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
  8. TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation Now it looks like the French landed on the moon
  9. Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  10. TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

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Land One Liners

Which land one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with land? I can suggest the ones about ground and estate.

  1. Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  2. Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.
  3. La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture But Moonlight won the popular vote
  4. Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
  5. What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!
  6. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?
  7. Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
  8. What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
  9. The Holy Land isn't a fake place Israel
  10. How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land? The dog leash slackens.
    (Cr
  11. How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house? There's a parking meter on the roof.
  12. Why don't native Americans like snow? Because it's white and all over their land.
  13. Why is the sea salty? Because the land does not wave back.
  14. My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake. I told him it Israel.
  15. If aliens really landed in America "Take me to your leader"
    "... you sure?"

Holy Land Jokes

Here is a list of funny holy land jokes and even better holy land puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Though some people may tell you that the holy land is fake... ... it Israel
  • Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . . Cheeses of Nazareth.
  • Did you hear about the fake Holy Land? The land of Isn'trael!
  • Have you ever been to the Holy Land? Israeli cool.
  • Why do people regard the middle east as the holy land? Because they're constantly drilling for oil.
  • Three Jews walk into a bar The waiter sees them, and asks them what they'd like
    THE HOLY LAND
  • What did Mohammad eat while in the Holy Land? Makkah-roni and cheese!
  • Do you know why it's called the Holy Land? Because it's full of bullet holes.

Disney Land Jokes

Here is a list of funny disney land jokes and even better disney land puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two blondes are going to Disney Land At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
    They went home crying.
  • When I die I'd like my remains to be scattered at Disney Land... Also, I don't want to be cremated.
  • Boy talking to Grandpa. Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?
    Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?
    Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak..
  • I knew this guy who was so dumb... he saw a road sign that said, "Disney Land Left", so he turned around and went home.
  • Hellen Keller was the first person to go to Disney land. Don't worry, she didn't know it either.
  • Frog noise Little boy said to his grandad one day, grandad, can you make a noise like a frog? Grandad replies, no why? oh, it's just dad says when you croak we are going to Disney land.
  • One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land.
    When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
  • The Seahawks were going to go to Disney Land after the super bowl but they decided to pass.
  • You know those single rider lines at Disney land, Yeah I got kicked off one, because apparently it's not a place to meet other single riders.
  • Did you hear what's happened with Mickey Mouses new helicopter? It Disney Land
Land joke, Did you hear what's happened with Mickey Mouses new helicopter?

Land Rover Jokes

Here is a list of funny land rover jokes and even better land rover puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In all my years working at the Land Rover factory... I made several discoveries
  • Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting I make a new Discovery every day
  • I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today It was a lovely discovery
  • The definition of stupidity is When you have a Land Rover, a Land Cruiser.... But still have a Landlord.....
  • What do you call a dog who can't swim? A land rover
  • What's the difference between a British SUV and a Libertarian? One's a Land Rover and the other's a Rand Lover
  • I want to install a stove on my Land Rover Then it can be a Range Rover
  • I returned home late from work one night to find a 2004 Land Rover had crashed into the front of my house. It was an awful Discovery.
  • How does a Range Rover Evoque look after landing on it's roof? Exactly the same.
  • One day people will land on Mars. Search for the rover, dust him off and give it the treatment it deserves. A robo bro b**....

Land Swallower Jokes

Here is a list of funny land swallower jokes and even better land swallower puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call Kiribati islands after the ocean swallows them? The Kiribati was-lands
  • A bird lands in a bush between two others.. He turns to one on his right and asks s**... ? The other bird replies angrily No spit! . He looks at the bird to his left Hmm thorny subject .

Candy Land Jokes

Here is a list of funny candy land jokes and even better candy land puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is the most popular soda in candy land? Lolli-pop
Land joke, What is the most popular soda in candy land?

Hilarious Land Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about land you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean area jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make land pranks.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?
It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!
I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?
Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.
The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.
The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.
The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

I did a girl m**... style

I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A f**... director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The f**... director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is.

The plot thickens.

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...

...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!
(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)
Well I can't retail them can I?!

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."

An Englishman starts his own business in Afganistan

He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! He is doing quite well! Profits are going through the roof!

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill

I told him, "My door is always open".

What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?

Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Stewardess

Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

Pirate, land lubber

Yarrrr,
Why be it that land-lubbers are never confident?
For they are always on shore...

A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

What did the pirate say to the flying p**...?

Land h**...!

The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth
100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars
100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus
100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury
100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto
100% gas = Uranus

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan..

making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.

Why is the ocean so salty?

The land never waves back.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!!

Only half the people turned up.

Two pilots are landing a plane.

Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere.
When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, m**... them, and take their land.

Corn

Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day
Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats...

Prophets are through the roof

Best picture: La La Land

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

what animal takes up the most land?

a groundhog.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land?

Guide dogs leash gets loose

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

Why do Aboriginals hate snow?

Because it's white and on their land.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"

15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"

CNN: "Hold my beer."

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"

Why do Indians not like snow?

It is white and settles on their land.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land...

and then the plot thickens.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

I started selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.
(Yes it's old, but I still love it)

What does a Pirate say when they see a h**...?

Land h**...!

How do c**... get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

An American man visits the Holy Land...

An American man visits the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Sadly the mother-in-law died. When seeing the local Israeli undertaker, it was explained that they could ship the body home for $5,000. But if they buried her locally it would cost only $150. The man said to the undertaker "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked "Are you sure? It's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man replied "look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that chance."

Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

Where do all the New York City landscapers live?

Lawn Guy Land

Land joke, Where do all the New York City landscapers live?

jokes about land