lame Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lame puns

Who's the lamest of all the X-men?

Bruce Jenner

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It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

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The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

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Why are North Korean weekends so lame?

Because theres only one party.

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Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

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I asked Yoda for a two word review of Les Miserables

"Lame is."

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Cheesy Jokes/ Lame Jokes. They make my day.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

Why did the cookie go to hospital?
Because he was feeling a little crummy.

Why was the mushroom happy?
Because he was a fungi.

How do you organise a party in space?
You planet.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta way.

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing they just waved.

Did you hear about the movie constipated?
It never came out.

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Faith healer visits a small town

And sets up a prayer meeting. All the faithful are there and are ready for a miracle.

One man hobbles up and says "I've been lame since I was a boy. Can I be healed?"

The preacher says "All who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

Another man walks up and says "C-c-can you c-c-c-cure a stuttttttter?"

Preacher says "all who believe will be healed. Now go behind the curtain"

The preacher starts praying then tells the lame man, "throw out your crutches". Two crutches come flying out from behind the curtain. The crowd goes wild!

Then the preacher asks the stutterer "tell us in a loud clear voice, what are you seeing?"

A voice comes from behind the curtain,

"the f-f-fucker f-f-fell flat on his f-f-face"

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I was going to tell you a joke about an injured deer...

...but it would have been lame.

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My favorite lame joke

And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.


I know, it's stupid and overused, but it's my favorite...

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Drummers always have such lame jokes...

I've heard them all like a Zildjian times.

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Why is North Korea so lame?

It's got no Seoul.

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Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW)

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.

A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.

Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, Why don't you play the flute instead of the bongos?

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Favorite lame chemistry joke

Argon walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here".

Argon didn't react

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The pope is ill...

The clergy call upon the Pope's doctor to come see what is wrong with him. After a thorough examination, the doctor has some bad news: "Pope, you're very ill, and I'm afraid the only cure is for you to have sex with a woman." Shocked, the Pope says: "For my people, I will do it. However, only under these 4 conditions:

1. She must be blind, so that she cannot see who I am.
2. She must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who I am.
3. She must be lame, so that even if she somehow found out, she wouldn't know who I am.

The doctor asks: What's the 4th condition, your holyness?


4. Big tits.

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There were two fish in a tank...

One fish said to the other "Who's driving this thing?"

(I know its lame but its the joke our dad has been telling us for years and I thought maybe you guys havn't heard it)

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My dad told a lame joke today

I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes.
His replay was - I made you didn't I?

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I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish.

But its not the right time or plaice.

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So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...

He was worried about possibly going out with a prude but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Disappointed, he realized this date was getting a little lame.

As they left the restaurant he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh no, I couldn't have a cigarette. What would I tell my Sunday school?"

Well he decided to drive her home as it didn't look like the night was going anywhere.

As they drove down the Boulevard they passed a motel. The woman looked hard at the man and said "Do you want to get a room?"

Stunned, the man pulled over, got a room and she proceeded to give him the wildest night of his life.

Lying spent on the bed, the man said "Wow... That was fantastic! But... What will you tell the Sunday school?"

"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."

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I went to a lame reggae concert once

It was dreadful

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My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD.

It was a real gelt trip.

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A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"

 

A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.

 

Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....

 

Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.

 

Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.

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Pun request!

So I am making a toast at my sister's wedding in a few weeks and I am hoping you can all help me out. My soon-to-be brother is a big fan of cheesy, lame puns and I would like to run through a list of them in the speech. He is really into dinosaurs and transformers, so I was wondering if you all would post some groan-inspiring puns in the comments that relate those two topics to weddings and/or becoming family.

I know the pun chains crack me up in comments sections and i'm hoping that even if this is slightly "manufactured" you can all help me write a great speech!

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Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate Nine. Lame, right? I made up some more!

Why did Two pay more for socks?
Because it was a three-for-five deal!

Why did Four get jealous of Five?
Because Five had six with Seven!
(And I heard that Seven ate Nine out)

Why did Negative One share its cash prize with Zero after they tied for first place in the race?
Because Zero won too!

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What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common?

They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

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My close friend is a drug dealer and he won't give me any in his stash.

What a lame ass pharmacist. :(

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Golden Urinals

So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late.
"So what's the excuse this time," she said.
"Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear," he slurred.
"Where?" she asked.
"Uhhh...I can't remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals." He then proceed to pass out.
Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town.
"Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?"
The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, "Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone."

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Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy, or James?

Name that shit Hurricane Death Mega-Fuck 3000 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they ought to.

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What kind of tea do ghosts drink?

Boo tea.

Lame I know but my kid liked it.

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Lame joke of the day.

Why did the turkey get ejected from the soccer game?

He had tripped a fan.

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My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.

Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"

"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.

"Really?"

"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."

"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.

"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"

"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."

"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.

Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"

"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."

"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

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Why did Apollo 11 take off during full moon?

Its an easier target.

------
Yes. Its incredibly lame.

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What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

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My black friends really enjoy hearing my lame jokes.

It's almost like they've never been told dad jokes before...

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What are the most funny Lame jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lame? Well, here are the best Lame dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lame pick up lines to share with friends.

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