Laid Jokes
147 laid jokes and hilarious laid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the idea of getting a good laugh out of simple, laid back jokes. Laid back jokes, sometimes referred to as "Ole's", are short and usually carry a sly punchline. Get ready to loosen your tie and enjoy a few strength-testing, subtle jokes. Ohh, the fun that can be had from these laid back quips!
Funniest Laid Short Jokes
Short laid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laid humour may include short laying in bed jokes also.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? I'm not sure if I can get hard, I was just laid this morning.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes. Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners. - The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.
- They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid. Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
- What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor? The foundation's been laid.
- I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight. I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?
- I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name... I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name
Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came. - So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"
- On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs. "How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.
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Laid One Liners
Which laid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laid? I can suggest the ones about laced and arranged.
- I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
- What's the difference between a Redditor and egg? An egg gets laid
- Something on valentines day I just don't get... Laid.
- How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense. - Getting laid is a lot like winning a war. Its way easier in a third world country.
- What is the difference between you and a brick? A brick can get laid.
- How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while? He's wearing a wedding ring.
- How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid? He has one clean finger
- What do a brick and I have in common? We both get laid by hand.
- What do you call it when a scientist tries to get laid? A thot experiment.
- What's the difference between a brick and a ginger? A brick gets laid
- What's the saddest thing about being a chicken? You only get laid once.
- I'll never get laid with this username because.. I'll always scare the chicks away....
- Guys-- I finally got laid- ! ... Off from work.
My last day is Friday. - I am jealous of eggs... ... they get laid, while I do not.
Laid Back Jokes
Here is a list of funny laid back jokes and even better laid back puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant. They were lo mein tenants.
- Otters are more laid back than beavers.. They just don't give a dam
- I went to a petting zoo. When I was feeding the sheep, one began to choke. So I laid him on his back and adminstered SheePR.
He survived, but he was in pretty ba-aa-aa-ad shape. - What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.
- If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.
- What was the most laid-back communist country? The "so be it" union!
- Proud of myself for this one. Gf: Do you like recliners?
Me: Yeah, they're pretty laid back. - Who is the most laid back Norse God? Loki
- There are some people out there with serious strength.. But I've always found the more laid back and funny type of strength way more appealing.
- Whats the most relaxed word? Dial, it's always so laid back
Getting Laid Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting laid jokes and even better getting laid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They always wonder if looks could could kill, well my looks sure did They killed my chances of ever getting laid.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
- You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.
- A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!" The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."
- I don't get it... Getting off is fun, getting laid is even more fun. But getting laid off isn't fun at all.
- During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches. The no. 1 position went from how to get laid to how to get laid off.
- How does a nun get laid? She dresses up like an altar boy.
- What do a married guy and a single guy have in common? They both think the other one gets laid more.
- I feel bad for eggs. They only get laid once, they only get smashed once and the only chick who ever sits on their face is their mother.
Delightful Fun Laid Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about laid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drawn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laid pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....
Guess who's getting laid tonight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ...
As they were sitting in the living room, Bob's dog walked into the room, laid down on the floor, and began to lick its nuts. Joe looked down at the dog and said "Man, I wish I could do that." To which Bob replied, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first."
A Doctor Joke
As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.
But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
probably won't get him laid
A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"
I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...
Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....
Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...
Stand by your man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
James Thurber's crossword puzzle.
Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.
One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?
She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter
Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "p**... Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton p**...."
The clerk looked up p**... Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da p**..., Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Sorry I can't get hard right now. I just got laid.
Not what he was expecting....
A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting laid for me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle
easy if i have a knife
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad just laid this one on me:
Why do I have a red pen in my pocket?
So I can draw blood. . .
Wa wa waaaaaaaa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the best thing about dating a girl into z**...?
Your best friend gets laid too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
It's Easter Sunday morning...
... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I pulled the local s**... last night and took her back to my place for s**....
As I laid on the bed watching the s**... dribble out of her m**..., I immediately thought to myself, "Well, at least I won't need l**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having a t**... with a mom and daughter
So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"
You know what I don't get?
Laid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it?
It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her f**... before she died?
To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If all the girls who went to my high school prom were laid end to end...
It wouldn't surprise me at all.
A guy walks into a flower shop
He buys beautiful, red flowers. As he's paying for them, the cashier winks at him and says "I hope these get you laid tonight".
The guy says "I hope not ... they're for my mom"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... identify as a brick.
I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.
I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.
The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
if a plumber's career can go down the drain...
And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a h**... get laid off?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:
What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.
Did you all hear about the chicken that swallowed the yo-yo?
Laid the same egg 44 times!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it awful to be an egg?
You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How do you expect me to get hard when I got laid just a moment ago.
Job Security
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.
"About $5,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't people get laid during Communism?
The State seized the means of **re**production
A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...
He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider had no legs, he told it to jump. It just laid there, not jumping.
The scientist's conclusion: Spiders without legs are deaf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
brick have a frustrating s**... life.
They're hard all the time, but only get laid once.
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
If you took all the blood vessels in someone's body and laid them end to end along the equator
That person would die.
My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what's funny she said...
Everyone here is alive because I got laid .
*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...
...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young m**... on his first term in Africa..
..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It'll be a minute before I get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a voodoo p**... last night
Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...
It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...
..and clicked 'add to cart'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part about being an egg?
You only get laid once and it's by your mum.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: "Do you shower after s**...?"
Coworker: "Yes."
Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey Eugene, do you shower after s**...?
Well yes Bob, I do.
Great, can you please get laid more often?
After months in quarantine, I have something in common with a rotten egg..
It has been months since I was laid too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it no fun being an egg?
You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird who sits on your face is your mother.
