Laid Jokes

148 laid jokes and hilarious laid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the idea of getting a good laugh out of simple, laid back jokes. Laid back jokes, sometimes referred to as "Ole's", are short and usually carry a sly punchline. Get ready to loosen your tie and enjoy a few strength-testing, subtle jokes. Ohh, the fun that can be had from these laid back quips!

Funniest Laid Short Jokes

Short laid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laid humour may include short laying jokes also.

  1. What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
  2. What did the egg say to the boiling water? I'm not sure if I can get hard, I was just laid this morning.
  3. Yo mama's like a brick..... dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
  4. Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
  5. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."
  6. Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes. Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
    Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
  7. The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court The game would be cancelled.
  8. I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet.... Guess who's getting laid tonight.
  9. They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid. Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
  10. What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor? The foundation's been laid.

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Laid One Liners

Which laid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laid? I can suggest the ones about lays and laying in bed.

  1. I'm getting laid tonight. I wish I could have posted this in any other sub.
  2. What's the difference between a Redditor and egg? An egg gets laid
  3. Something on valentines day I just don't get... Laid.
  4. What do fat women and Bricks have in common? They're both eventually laid by Mexicans
  5. Why don't mitochondria ever get laid? Cause they're incels
  6. I can only get laid by prostitutes. I'm a buysexual
  7. How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
    2. Wait two hours.
    3. Lay becomes past tense.
  8. What do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
  9. Getting laid is a lot like winning a war. Its way easier in a third world country.
  10. What is the difference between you and a brick? A brick can get laid.
  11. How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while? He's wearing a wedding ring.
  12. How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid? He has one clean finger
  13. What do a brick and I have in common? We both get laid by hand.
  14. What's the worst part about being an egg? You only get laid once and it's by your mum.
  15. What do you call it when a scientist tries to get laid? A thot experiment.

Laid Back Jokes

Here is a list of funny laid back jokes and even better laid back puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant. They were lo mein tenants.
  • Otters are more laid back than beavers.. They just don't give a dam
  • I went to a petting zoo. When I was feeding the sheep, one began to choke. So I laid him on his back and adminstered SheePR.
    He survived, but he was in pretty ba-aa-aa-ad shape.
  • What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.
  • If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.
  • What was the most laid-back communist country? The "so be it" union!
  • Proud of myself for this one. Gf: Do you like recliners?
    Me: Yeah, they're pretty laid back.
  • Who is the most laid back Norse God? Loki
  • There are some people out there with serious strength.. But I've always found the more laid back and funny type of strength way more appealing.
  • Whats the most relaxed word? Dial, it's always so laid back

Getting Laid Jokes

Here is a list of funny getting laid jokes and even better getting laid puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"
  • I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight. I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?
  • What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg? you know the egg gets laid at least once
  • They always wonder if looks could could kill, well my looks sure did They killed my chances of ever getting laid.
  • What are the two main problems about being an egg? You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? Sorry I can't get hard right now. I just got laid.
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
  • What's the difference between a brick and a ginger? A brick gets laid
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!
  • What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!
Laid joke, What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Laid joke, What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Delightful Fun Laid Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about laid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laced jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laid pranks.

I met a beautiful girl in the park.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?

Its going to take me a while to get hard because I was just laid.

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.
But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"

I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...

Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....
Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

James Thurber's crossword puzzle.

Laid up in the hospital, James Thurber passed the time doing crossword puzzles.
One day he asked a nurse, What seven-letter word has three u's in it?
She said, I don't know, but it must be unusual.

p**... Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "p**... Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton p**...."
The clerk looked up p**... Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da p**..., Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name...

I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name
Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

The world's largest egg is laid by the ostrich...

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

Whats the best thing about dating a girl into z**...?

Your best friend gets laid too.

It's Easter Sunday morning...

... and chubby Chuck has been chomping on Easter eggs all night. He decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he plays a prank. He goes into the chicken coop and replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the colored eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.

Having a t**... with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a t**... with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a t**... with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

What s**... about being an egg?

You get laid once, and it's by your mom.

If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a p**....

Your mom reminds of bricks

She's constantly getting laid by Mexicans.

After the recent wave of Trump primary victories, what did Nancy Reagan request for her f**... before she died?

To be laid to rest beside the remains of the Republican party

If all the girls who went to my high school prom were laid end to end...

It wouldn't surprise me at all.

A guy walks into a flower shop

He buys beautiful, red flowers. As he's paying for them, the cashier winks at him and says "I hope these get you laid tonight".
The guy says "I hope not ... they're for my mom"

I s**... identify as a brick.

I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.

What's the saddest thing about being a chicken?

You only get laid once.

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

if a plumber's career can go down the drain...

And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a h**... get laid off?

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.

There are 10 types of people in this world...

The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid.

Why is it awful to be an egg?

You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

I don't get it...

Getting off is fun, getting laid is even more fun. But getting laid off isn't fun at all.

Guys-- I finally got laid- !

... Off from work.
My last day is Friday.

Bricks have a frustrating s**... life.

They're hard all the time, but only get laid once.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

If you took all the blood vessels in someone's body and laid them end to end along the equator

That person would die.

My great grandma started giggling at a family BBQ and when I asked what's funny she said...

Everyone here is alive because I got laid .

I went to a blind p**... the other day

She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "nah, you're pulling my leg"

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...'s so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I went to a voodoo p**... last night

Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

What does a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?

They both probably gonna get laid by some Mexican

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

Me: "Do you shower after s**...?"

Coworker: "Yes."
Me: "Then you should get laid more often."

What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

I'll never get laid with this username because..

I'll always scare the chicks away....

Hey Eugene, do you shower after s**...?

Well yes Bob, I do.
Great, can you please get laid more often?

After months in quarantine, I have something in common with a rotten egg..

It has been months since I was laid too.

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

Why is it no fun being an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and the only bird who sits on your face is your mother.

The economy is so bad

ExxonMobil just laid off 25 Congressmen.

Laid joke, The economy is so bad

jokes about laid