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Laid Back Jokes

59 laid back jokes and hilarious laid back puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laid back that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Laid Back Short Jokes

Short laid back jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laid back humour may include short laid jokes also.

  1. Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
  2. As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant. They were lo mein tenants.
  3. I went to a petting zoo. When I was feeding the sheep, one began to choke. So I laid him on his back and adminstered SheePR.
    He survived, but he was in pretty ba-aa-aa-ad shape.
  4. If reincarnation was real, I'd come back as a table cloth I'd get laid three times a day and pulled off at night.
  5. Proud of myself for this one. Gf: Do you like recliners?
    Me: Yeah, they're pretty laid back.
  6. There are some people out there with serious strength.. But I've always found the more laid back and funny type of strength way more appealing.
  7. Mom explained all about the birds and the bees when I was young, Now I'm 39, and all I have is this empty hive with some eggs I laid a few years back in it.
  8. Who has the most laid back mafia in the world? The Jamaican Mafia - They have a totally different meaning to the word 'hit'

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Laid Back One Liners

Which laid back one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laid back? I can suggest the ones about relax and chill.

  1. Otters are more laid back than beavers.. They just don't give a dam
  2. What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.
  3. What was the most laid-back communist country? The "so be it" union!
  4. Who is the most laid back Norse God? Loki
  5. Whats the most relaxed word? Dial, it's always so laid back
  6. What's the most laid back country on Earth? Yemen
  7. What do you get with two laid back people? Give me a punch line

Laid Back Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about laid back you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean calmed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laid back pranks.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.


He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.


The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid !".
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee...that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there ?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "...but my sister has ..."

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died.


When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.
She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard.
God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven.
She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.


She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the g**... the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her n**... body.
He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St.

Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.


The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means to lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of the fire.
The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."


She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.
She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.
She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
"You like these?"
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the c**... on.
As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p**... and laid down.
"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her.
It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the c**... on?"
I said, "I sure did!"
...and held up my thumb to show her.

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.
The first nun says I want to be Sophia Loren and p**... she's gone.
The second says I want to be Madonna and p**... she's gone.
The third says I want to be Sara Pipalini.
St Peter looks perplexed. Who? asks St Peter
Sara Pipalini replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell.
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men!

Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."

A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had s**... in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have c**... Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.
He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have c**... Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.
6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have c**... Charlie though".
Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and c**... Charlie, right?"
"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.
"c**... Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar

.
 "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor]

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

I recall my first time with a c**......

I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the c**... on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that c**... on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted.

Irish pubs are the best

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

Philosophy 112, or the joke that I just told in a dream and have to write down for posterity

Take this guy, Bob. He's coming into his early 40s, and goes into a midlife crisis. He tells his wife he wants to go back to school and study all the stuff he never got to when he was working so hard as a kid. She's fully supportive, feeling there are worse things he could be doing in this phase of his life, and they get him enrolled at a local university.
Bob starts taking random b**... classes. His first semester he takes Archaeology 101, Sociology 102, and his favorite, Philosophy 112: History of early modern philosophy. He starts learning about all the great thinkers who laid the groundwork for all of our thinking today, and he just falls in love with it. Doesn't care he's surrounded by 18 year olds for six hours a week, he just dives right in.
One day, his buddy Jim calls him up to talk. Jim's also going through a midlife crisis. He's doing a much more destructive path, however. He calls Bob up and tells him he knows of an excellent e**... service. He says they should take a "business trip," have a little fun, the wife doesn't need to know.
Bob thinks about it, and says, "No, I've got a huge philosophy paper due in a couple days and I should work on that."
Jim looks at him like he's insane, calls him a p**..., and storms away. But Bob is confident.
Bob knows that sometimes, it's good to put Descartes before the w**....

Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Guy's first c**... story

I recall my first time with a c**..., I was
16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at the pharmacy. There was this
beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new
at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I
knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first
time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight
and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.👙
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could
do was nod my head. She then said it was
time to slip the c**... on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her p**... and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that c**... on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
show her.

Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "p**... stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton p**...." The clerk looked up p**... stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.
Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.
When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

p**... Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "p**... Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton p**...."
The clerk looked up p**... Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da p**..., Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

Haven't posted for a while, so here it goes... A wild rabbit is captured...

and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."

I recall my first time with a c**..., I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the c**... on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that c**... on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

Bar Bet

A man walks into a bar that he has never been to before. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks "What are you having". The man is about to respond when he sees a large pickle jar FILLED with cash. The man asks "What's that" the bartender responds "We have a challenge here, if you can complete the three part challenge the money is yours" The man thinks about it for a while and says "What's the challenge" the bartender says "Well first you have to drink a bottle of Jack" the man says "No problem" the bartender continues "Next there is a Rottweiler outside who has a rotten tooth and you have to pull it out" The man starts to get nervous but assures himself he can do it. "Finally" says the bartender "There is a 98 year old woman upstairs who has never been laid and you have to do her" the man shivers but says "Let's do it". The bartender hands him an un-opened bottle of Jack and the man quickly c**... it down. The man continues outside wobbling to the door and for the next several minutes all anyone can hear outside is barking followed by growling and finishing with the whining. The man stumbles back inside, with his shirt torn and bite marks all over his body says "Now whhheere is the oold lady with a sore tooth?"

A guy walks into a w**......

A guy walks into a w**... and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

Don't get pulled over in Eastern Europe

Ivan gets pulled over by traffic police, so he tells them the usual s**... story about how he's very poor, he can't pay the ticket etc. etc. So at first the cops are like okay give us some money, we'll make it go away.
Ivan though won't back down and tells them how he's been laid off recently from the banitza factory, his mother in law is trying to convince his wife to divorce him and take the kids away etc. etc. So the cops relent and ask that he only buys them a couple of coffees from the nearby shop to warm themselves.
So Ivan goes to the shop and happily asks for two coffees, and the shop owner says: "Are they for the two policemen out front?" and Ivan says "Actually, they are!" so the shop owner says "Okay, that will be 20 euro."

I pulled the local s**... last night and took her back to my place for s**....

As I laid on the bed watching the s**... dribble out of her m**..., I immediately thought to myself, "Well, at least I won't need l**...."

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
Asked for his occupation, Ole said "p**... Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton p**...." The cleark looked up p**... Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "p**... Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the p**..., Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"

Why Irish pubs are the best

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?", the Pom said.
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.

She was 18 and he was 35.

Just the two of them. She knew that today is the day, she had been waiting for it. He laid her on her back and leaned above her. She got goosebumps and sweaty palms.
I'm scared she said quietly.
You'll be fine, i'll be quick he replied.
Within a few minutes the tooth was out and she could get up from the dentists' chair.

A catholic girl goes to the confessional to tell her sins to the priest.

Girl: Father, I came here today because I have sinned.
Priest: Go on, tell me.
Girl: While my mother went to the market yesterday...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: A boy saw me walking on the street...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: I brought him back to our house...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: I laid on the bed with him...
Priest: Go on.
Girl: He took off my p**......
Priest: Go on
Girl: And then my mom came back home and saw us.
Priest: For f**...'s sake!! Why couldn't your mother wait a little longer!

There's an amazing bar in New York...

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.
Frank: That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?
Bill: No, but my sister has.

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins.

She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"