lager Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lager puns

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

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wife woke up with 2 black eyes.....

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine."

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A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Each man orders a pint of lager and sits down.

The bartender delivers their beers, and as soon as he does, three large flies that have been buzzing around the bar land in each of their glasses.

"Bloody hell!", says the Englishman in disgust. "What a perfectly good waste of a perfectly fine pint!" And he pushes his beer aside, untouched.

"Ah, no bother." says the Scotsman, who plucks the fly from his beer and flicks it aside. "A wee fly never did me no harm."

Then, both men turn their attention to the Irishman, who is shaking his fly upside down over the glass, and yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YA THIEVING BASTARD!!"

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Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
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*[

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

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What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?

_In a New England accent..._

A Boston lager.

.

.

.

.

.

I made this up yesterday in the car.

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A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I think that's rude. "

The bartender says "well you keep saying T G I F."

"Well, thank god it's Friday." She says

"Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."

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Dad's first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

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Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.

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I'm not Deaf

I shouted to the barmaid, Two pints of lager please.
She said, I'm not deaf.
I said, Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.

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A guy is sitting at a bar drinking a pint of lager.

While he's sitting there, he notices the barman's cat up on the bar, one leg in the air, licking its balls.

The guy turns to the barman and remarks "Fuck. I wish I could do that. It'd be so relaxing..."

"You can do it, " replies the barman. "Just give him a saucer of milk and I'm sure he'd let you!"

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When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in really cheap Australian lager...

It wasn't until my 18th birthday that they told me I'd been fostered.

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Another 'walks into a bar' joke

The barman says, 'That'll be two pounds please.'

He ordered a pint of lager.

A time-traveller walks into a bar.

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What's the official beer of Starfleet?

Captain's Lager!

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Having a Party?

My wife came in from shopping with two 18-pack cases of lager, a case of bitters, six bottles of wine, four handles of Vodka, two bottles of Bourbon, a case of club soda, ice and two loaves of bread. …

I said, Are we having a party? …

She said, No.

I said, Why did you buy two freakin' loaves of bread then?"

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A cheeseburger walks up to a bar..

Cheeseburger says: "Excuse me, can I have a pint of lager please?"
Barman says: "No sorry, we don't serve food."

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2 Shits and a Brain

So 2 Shits and a Brain enter a bar. One of the shits goes to the bar and orders 3 pints of Lager. Barman says "sorry lads, not tonight" Confused the Shit returns to his friends, "Boys the barman isn't going to serve us!" Brain decides he will give it a shot, "3 Pints, Please my good man" The Barman says again "Sorry lads, not tonight"
The Brain asks the barman "what is wrong with us ? We come here all the time??"
The barman replies "Look I cant serve you, You are out of your head and those two are steaming!"

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In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.

An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.

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What's a Lumberjack's favorite drink?

A lager

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When I get something stuck in my throat I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre!

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A skeleton walks into a pub

And says give me a lager and a mop.

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An infinite number of professors walk into a bar...

the first walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a pint of lager." Before the bartender can start pouring the second says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender is about to pour when the third pipes up, "The same but half again!" Once again the bartender is about to serve when the fourth says, "Yeah a lager, but half of that!" The bartender, once more is about to pour when the fifth interrupts. He's about to order when one of the professors in the back shouts, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST POUR TWO BEERS!"

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Five Men Walk Into A Bar...

The Irishman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Pint of Guinness."

The Brit turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Gin and Tonic."

The Frenchman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Glass of Wine."

The German turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Stein of Lager"

The Bartender brings them all their drinks, then turns to the last man and asks what he wants.

The Australian turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have two of whatever these ladies are having."

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A pokemon trainer walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Wow, you're in luck, we're running a contest, and the first to drink 15 bottles of Samuel Adams new lager wins a MagiKarp!"

The trainer replies, "Uhh, who cares? Why would anyone bother competing for a MagiKarp?"

The bartender answers, "Because anyone who drinks Sam Adams automatically gets TM 87"
"What's TM 87?"
"*Swagger*"

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What's a lumberjack's favorite drink?

Lager

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Samuel Adams came out with a new lager called the Boston Jogger

But I heard it bombed

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What's the favourite beer of a jew?

A lager!

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What do you call a woman who can balance 5 pints of lager on each arm?

Beatrix

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Two Psychics Walked into a Bar...

The second one said, ''I'll have one too.''

The first psychic said, ''I'll have a pint of lager please.''

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I hope you guys like lager!

the only bitter we've got around here lives in the White House

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What do you call a woman juggling pints of lager and playing snooker?

Beatrix Potter

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What are the most funny Lager jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lager? Well, here are the best Lager dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lager pick up lines to share with friends.

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