Lager Jokes

What are some Lager jokes?

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
~
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*[

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of lager followed by 12 shots of vodka

The barman then watches, amazed, as the bloke downs them one after the other. Recovering, the customer says:

'I shouldn't have done that with what I've got.'

'What have you got?' Asked the barman.

The customer looked at him guiltily. 'Oh, about two dollars.'

What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?

_In a New England accent..._

A Boston lager.

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I made this up yesterday in the car.

A woman goes into a bar and says "T G I F, hey bar keep, give me a beer."

The bartender replies, "S H I T. what would you like?

The woman says "uh, okay. I'll have a lager. Whew, T G I F"

The bartender says, "S H I T, here you go," and hands her the beer.

The woman starts to get irritated and says "why do you keep saying S H I T? I'm a lady and I think that's rude. "

The bartender says "well you keep saying T G I F."

"Well, thank god it's Friday." She says

"Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."

Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.

I'm not Deaf

I shouted to the barmaid, Two pints of lager please.
She said, I'm not deaf.
I said, Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

When I was a baby, my parents used to bath me in really cheap Australian lager...

It wasn't until my 18th birthday that they told me I'd been fostered.

Another 'walks into a bar' joke

The barman says, 'That'll be two pounds please.'

He ordered a pint of lager.

A time-traveller walks into a bar.

What's the official beer of Starfleet?

Captain's Lager!

Having a Party?

My wife came in from shopping with two 18-pack cases of lager, a case of bitters, six bottles of wine, four handles of Vodka, two bottles of Bourbon, a case of club soda, ice and two loaves of bread. …

I said, Are we having a party? …

She said, No.

I said, Why did you buy two freakin' loaves of bread then?"

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

A cheeseburger walks up to a bar..

Cheeseburger says: "Excuse me, can I have a pint of lager please?"
Barman says: "No sorry, we don't serve food."

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'm a sex offender, and I'm on the run..."

"I'm afraid I can't help you too much," replies the bartender, "although I can probably hide you in the basement."

"Thanks, I really appreciate this." The man responds.

As the bartender shows the man to the basement he asks "Is there anything I can get you while you're here?"

"A lager would be great" answers the man thirstily.

Shocked, the bartender stops and says,

"I didn't know Catholic priests could drink!"

I called my children Lager and Guinness

My wife's bitter

In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.

An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.

An infinite number of professors walk into a bar...

the first walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a pint of lager." Before the bartender can start pouring the second says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender is about to pour when the third pipes up, "The same but half again!" Once again the bartender is about to serve when the fourth says, "Yeah a lager, but half of that!" The bartender, once more is about to pour when the fifth interrupts. He's about to order when one of the professors in the back shouts, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE JUST POUR TWO BEERS!"

When I get something stuck in my throat I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre!

A skeleton walks into a pub

And says give me a lager and a mop.

What's a Lumberjack's favorite drink?

A lager

Five Men Walk Into A Bar...

The Irishman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Pint of Guinness."

The Brit turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Gin and Tonic."

The Frenchman turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Glass of Wine."

The German turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have a Stein of Lager"

The Bartender brings them all their drinks, then turns to the last man and asks what he wants.

The Australian turns to the Bartender and says "I'll have two of whatever these ladies are having."

A pokemon trainer walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Wow, you're in luck, we're running a contest, and the first to drink 15 bottles of Samuel Adams new lager wins a MagiKarp!"

The trainer replies, "Uhh, who cares? Why would anyone bother competing for a MagiKarp?"

The bartender answers, "Because anyone who drinks Sam Adams automatically gets TM 87"
"What's TM 87?"
"*Swagger*"

How to make Lager jokes?

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