The Best 87 Lady Jokes

Following is our collection of Lady jokes which are very funny. There are some lady walks jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lady beautiful puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A bit rapey.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

Sperm Bank

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.

So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.

"See honey? It's not that hard."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "itΒ΄s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.


A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink

A naked lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a nude woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other??

Irene

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

Top Lady Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore lady sir reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lady women dad jokes. There are also lady puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


how do you get a 78 year old lady to scream f**k?!

get another 78 year old lady to yell BINGO!

waka waka!

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice..

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer?

A Tattoo.

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."

She told me, "We can't do that!"

I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."


I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?

Get another one to yell BINGO

I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a stroke, the second lady couldn't quite reach.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

A young lady from my office just sent me an email

saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She didn't see that well

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

Why did the old lady fall in the well?

Because she couldn't see that well

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

"I know what you have been sucking on"

My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.

At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle of the store.

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, Why is my name 'Rain'?
Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.
Then Snow asked his mom, Why is my name 'Snow'?
Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.
Then Brick asked his mom, NYANYANYANYA

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)

She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?

She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.

He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.

Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by

The first little old lady... Had a stroke

The second little old lady... Had a stroke

But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.

One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y'all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: Mom, why am I called Violet?

And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head

Then Rose comes and asks: Mom, why am I called Rose?

And Mary responds: Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head

Then Brick goes and asks: CjfbjabMandmabwlbdkabNbskdbslonvibcdhovtcbxtblvocbjfshkvgdvynv?

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_

At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells

_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I was at my bank today...

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange money for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollars, today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine

He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"YourΒ husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."

Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"

Maid:"No, the gardener."

Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding

Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

So dad said he went on a business retreat with the guys for the weekend .

Well I decided to call him and a lady picked-up so I told mum about bit. Boy was she upset!
When Dad returned they got into a very big fight as dad denied ever meeting another woman all weekend. Finally mum told me," tell this cheat what the lady said when you called his line!"
I turned to them expressionlessly and said, "she said, " the number you are calling is not available at the moment please try again later"


I wonder why they have both been muderously chasing me for twenty minutes now!

Cake Day Joke!

An old lady walked into a pet store,Β found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!

She said, I can teach it good manners. Β 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, Did you learn your lesson? It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.Β 

The parrot said Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?

how do you piss lady gaga off?

poke her face

What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating by himself dressed as a pirate...

One of the many houses he visits, was an elderly lady in town. He rings the door bell and the lady opens the door.

Johnny: Trick or treat!

Lady: Ohhhh your a cute little pirate! But, where's your buccaneers?

Johnny: *Sighs and points to his ears* They're right here! Where's your buccaneyes?

The tunnel

An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'

The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'

I just got back from a shift at Tesco's..

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to Β£56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of Β£40.

So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone's Nan, and I'd like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.

So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lady old ladies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lady the lawyer and the old lady piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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