JokoJokes

Lady Jokes

202 lady jokes and hilarious lady puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lady that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make 'em laugh with this collection of old lady jokes! From cat ladies to lunch ladies and crazy cat ladies, we've got it all. You'll find jokes about Godiva, husbands and sirs, sure to put a smile on your face.

Funniest Lady Short Jokes

Short lady jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lady humour may include short madam jokes also.

  1. As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
  2. The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup line... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
  3. Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
  4. I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
  5. A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!"
    The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
  6. A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
  7. An old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
  8. Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
  9. Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party. Lady: Do you mean a choir?
    Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?
  10. A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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Lady One Liners

Which lady one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lady? I can suggest the ones about ladies man and ladies and gentlemen.

  1. What's the opposite of lady fingers? Mentos
    (I will see myself out)
  2. Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies? I'm Siri, you idiot!
  3. I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.
  4. Ladies...No guy has ever said... I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.
  5. If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what do you call his mother? joe mama
  6. What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar? I pity the stool!
  7. Be careful of fat guys, ladies They just want to get into your pantries.
  8. What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other?? Irene
  9. How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word? Yell "BINGO!"
  10. Why did the old lady fall in the well? Because she couldn't see that well
  11. Why did the old lady fall into the well? She didn't see that well
  12. What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature? Yourmometer
  13. What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.
  14. The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
  15. "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets

Old Lady Jokes

Here is a list of funny old lady jokes and even better old lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." It was my complimentary nan
  • I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  • I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
  • "Knock Knock". "Who's there?". "Little old lady". "Little old lady who?" Ah, I didn't know you could yodel.
  • I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.
  • Today at the bank Today at the bank, an old lady asked me help check her balance.

    So i pushed her over
  • I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring. So I guess I made it home okay...
  • I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today. Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.
  • People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
  • Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually

Little Old Lady Jokes

Here is a list of funny little old lady jokes and even better little old lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
  • I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.
  • I got fired from my job at the bank today. A little old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  • I little old lady at the store told me I was a nice looking young man. I really hope she didn't drive herself there
  • Little old lady puts her hand up a Scotsman's kilt and says "what are these for?" "Four?!" he exclaims
  • Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.
  • Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I had no idea you could yodel.
  • I recently bought a second hand car. It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.
  • Knock knock Who's there?
    Little old lady
    Little old lady who?
    I didn't know you could yodel
  • How do you get a sweet, little old lady to shout out an F-bomb? You get another sweet, little old lady to yell out "Bingo!"
Lady joke, How do you get a sweet, little old lady to shout out an F-bomb?

Lady Boy Jokes

Here is a list of funny lady boy jokes and even better lady boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A young lady from my office just sent me an email saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"
    Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?
  • so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
  • I heard ladies like bad boys.. Lucky for them I'm bad at everything.
  • A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me. Boy, eyelashed out.
  • A boy is selling fish on a corner ... ... a blind man passes by and says "hello ladies".
  • Why did it take three Boy Scouts to help the little old lady cross the road? Because she didn't want to go.
  • Ladies, Who ever says " boys without bread are like babies to me " you can feed us
  • What do you get when you cross a road with an old lady? A Boy Scouts badge.
  • When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age. But the judge didn't see it that way.
  • Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

Beautiful Lady Jokes

Here is a list of funny beautiful lady jokes and even better beautiful lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • M'lady, What is the most beautiful thing in the world? Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?
  • A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!' Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'
  • A beautiful lady once asked me what I like in a woman. I got six months for indecent exposure.
  • The Indian lady at the store was dressed very elegantly. "Wow, that's that's a beautiful dress!" I said.
    She answered, "Saree..."
    "No, don't be sorry! It looks very nice!"
  • A male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog. "Will it happen at a ball?" he asks. "no , in a biology class"
  • Walking around NYC, and a beautiful lady stops me, She asked me "how do you get to carnagie hall?"
    I told her "with a lot of hard work and dedication, ma'mn"
  • Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say "Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."
  • A beautiful lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, and he gives it to her.
  • "Hello lady, has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?" "No, not yet..."
    "I thought so."
  • A guy walks into a bar... The guy sees a beautiful lady and walks to her.
    Guy: Excuse me Miss? You dropped something.
    Girl: What did I drop?
    Guy: Your standards, hi my name is PandaGen

Cat Lady Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat lady jokes and even better cat lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
  • I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener
  • Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"? Because she liked to put it in the microwave.
  • My Town Is So Small that our crazy cat lady only has one cat.
  • The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
    Courtesy of Mary Poppins.
  • What did the thief cat steal from the lady cat? Her purrrse.
  • What is a crazy cat lady's religious beliefs? Cat-holic
  • Why do cat ladies talk weird? Cat got their tongues.
  • An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. To tell them apart, she named one of them "Kitty" and drowned the other one.
  • What did a communist name their cat? Lady Mao
Lady joke, What did a communist name their cat?

Fun-Filled Lady Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about lady you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little girl jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lady pranks.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A bit rapey.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

s**... Bank

At a s**... bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a s**... bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of s**..." he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen s**....
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink

A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a n**... woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

Three old ladies

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a f**... runs up and opens his trench coat in front of them.
The first old lady has a s**....
The second old lady has a s**....
The third old lady can't reach that far.

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

how do you get a 78 year old lady to scream f**k?!

get another 78 year old lady to yell BINGO!
waka waka!

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

The lady walking ahead of me sped up...

...so I did. She began walking faster and faster so I did. She started running so I did. She started screaming so I did. I have no idea what we were running from but I was terrified.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

Getting on a plane . . .

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."

A lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre...

...and the bartender gives it to her.

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?

Get another one to yell BINGO

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a s**..., the second lady couldn't quite reach.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent f**..., what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

I walk into a bar...

... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except o**......

A man lies n**... on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?
He says, Put it between your legs.
She says, What about the smell?
He says, Hold its nose.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

On the bright side...

We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a s**..., the second lady had a s**..., but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."

I know that we don't all agree on our new president

But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.

"I know what you have been s**... on"

My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

I asked a p**...

"How Much For A h**...?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, Why is my name 'Rain'?
Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.
Then Snow asked his mom, Why is my name 'Snow'?
Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.
Then Brick asked his mom, NYANYANYANYA

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

A man is sunbathing on a n**... beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important o**... with a hat.
A woman passes by and notices the hat.
She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."
The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)

She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."

I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!

I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.

He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke p**.... I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

Lady joke, The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his

jokes about lady