Lady Jokes
199 lady jokes and hilarious lady puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lady that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make 'em laugh with this collection of old lady jokes! From cat ladies to lunch ladies and crazy cat ladies, we've got it all. You'll find jokes about Godiva, husbands and sirs, sure to put a smile on your face.
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Funniest Lady Short Jokes
Short lady jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lady humour may include short madam jokes also.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- Donald Trump is the next President but... The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
- I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
- A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"
- Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party. Lady: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group? - A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
- I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." It was my complimentary nan
- My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.) After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it. - I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
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Lady One Liners
Which lady one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lady? I can suggest the ones about ladies man and ladies and gentlemen.
- What's the opposite of lady fingers? Mentos
(I will see myself out) - I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.
- Ladies...No guy has ever said... I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.
- If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what do you call his mother? Joe mama
- What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.
- The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
- "Ladies and Gents" That concludes our tour of the toilets
- Never ever call a lady fat! Because elephants don't forget.
- What's the difference between laddies and ladies? One's missing a D
- Why was Jesus such a hit with the ladies? He was well hung.
- Why did the snake want to learn the accordion? To charm the ladies with its scales.
- How does Lady Gaga like her sushi? Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw!
- What did the fat lady say to the fat man? Thanks for the tip.
- I got asked out by SO many ladies today. My secret? I was in the ladies restroom.
- I bought some drugs from the old lady who lives in a shoe. They turned out to be laced.
Old Lady Jokes
Here is a list of funny old lady jokes and even better old lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
- "Knock Knock". "Who's there?". "Little old lady". "Little old lady who?" Ah, I didn't know you could yodel.
- I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.
- People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
- Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually
- How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time? Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".
- How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
- An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.
- I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
- Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida... The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."
Little Old Lady Jokes
Here is a list of funny little old lady jokes and even better little old lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.
- I little old lady at the store told me I was a nice looking young man. I really hope she didn't drive herself there
- Little old lady puts her hand up a Scotsman's kilt and says "what are these for?" "Four?!" he exclaims
- Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.
- I recently bought a second hand car. It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.
- How do you get a sweet, little old lady to shout out an F-bomb? You get another sweet, little old lady to yell out "Bingo!"
- What one word can you yell out loud that will make a room full of little old ladies swear? Bingo!
- Why did it take three Boy Scouts to help the little old lady cross the road? Because she didn't want to go.
- I was waiting on a table and an old lady asked if she could have a Diet Coke with very little ice. I told her that our ice comes one size only.
- What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Lady Boy Jokes
Here is a list of funny lady boy jokes and even better lady boy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
- I heard ladies like bad boys.. Lucky for them I'm bad at everything.
- A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me. Boy, eyelashed out.
- A boy is selling fish on a corner ... ... a blind man passes by and says "hello ladies".
- When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age. But the judge didn't see it that way.
- Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
- In the 90's did the backstreet boys have a cafeteria? I mean a bacteria.Thank you ladies and germs.
Beautiful Lady Jokes
Here is a list of funny beautiful lady jokes and even better beautiful lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- M'lady, What is the most beautiful thing in the world? Is it your right thigh, or your left? Or does the answer lie somewhere in the middle?
- A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!' Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'
- A beautiful lady once asked me what I like in a woman. I got six months for indecent exposure.
- The Indian lady at the store was dressed very elegantly. "Wow, that's that's a beautiful dress!" I said.
She answered, "Saree..."
"No, don't be sorry! It looks very nice!" - A male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog. "Will it happen at a ball?" he asks. "no , in a biology class"
- Walking around NYC, and a beautiful lady stops me, She asked me "how do you get to carnagie hall?"
I told her "with a lot of hard work and dedication, ma'mn" - Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say "Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."
- "Hello lady, has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?" "No, not yet..."
"I thought so." - A guy walks into a bar... The guy sees a beautiful lady and walks to her.
Guy: Excuse me Miss? You dropped something.
Girl: What did I drop?
Guy: Your standards, hi my name is PandaGen - Did you hear about the movie in which a young fat lady gets kidnapped? Its called "Beauty and the feast"
Cat Lady Jokes
Here is a list of funny cat lady jokes and even better cat lady puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
- I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener
- Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"? Because she liked to put it in the microwave.
- My Town Is So Small that our crazy cat lady only has one cat.
- The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it, so I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
Courtesy of Mary Poppins. - What did the thief cat steal from the lady cat? Her purrrse.
- What is a crazy cat lady's religious beliefs? Cat-holic
- An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. An old lady had two cats, which looked exactly the same. To tell them apart, she named one of them "Kitty" and drowned the other one.
- What did a communist name their cat? Lady Mao
- What do crazy cat ladies and car enthusiasts have in common? They love to listen to their babies purr.
Fun-Filled Lady Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about lady you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little girl jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lady pranks.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A bit rapey.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
Two newfies are walking down a path...
They see a sheep tangled up in a fence. The one says "man, I wish that was a pretty lady" to which his friend replys "i just wish it was dark"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman stands on a boardwalk...
She notices a man below looking up her dress.
"You, sir, are no gentleman!"
"And you, lady, are no blonde!"
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink
A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a n**... woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"
A Halloween joke for you.
Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."
Aerosmith
According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.
How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER s**...!".
The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Amish Woman
Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, you might want to have your husband look at your reflector He notices a rope wrapped around the horse's b**...… and ma'am, some folks might find that rope offensive . The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither
Two ladies meet up for coffee...
The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?
I pity the stool!
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
A Halloween Limerick
A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table.
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
Getting on a plane . . .
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a lady texting and driving today
I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stopped breathing today at a bar...
A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole d**... alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife's Campaign
My wife has wasted years campaigning for t**... companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
A lady at a tea shop
A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
Dad joke I came up with at work.
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
Cop sees a blonde with a bunch of penguins in the back of her car
So he stops her and asks her what she is doing with a bunch of penguins. She says she just saw them on the road and opened the door and they got in.
"You've got to take those penguins to the zoo," he says. Next day he sees her again with the penguins still in the back of her car.
Cop: Lady I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.
Blonde: I did and we had such a good time, today we're going to the park.
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....
"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."
A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day
...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
A woman was trying on her new fur coat.
Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.
"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"
The woman looked strictly at her daughter.
"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan cowboy was walking down the road
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
On the bright side...
We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
Doctor Am I pregnant?
A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant
Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...
Girl: Am I?
Doc: No it just looks like you are
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a s**..., the second lady had a s**..., but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
I went to a large bookstore ...
... and asked the lady at the counter, where the self-help section was. She said if she would tell me, it would defeat the very purpose of it.
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
I know that we don't all agree on our new president
But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.
So I guess I made it home okay...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the lady that got fired from the s**... bank?
Drinking on the job.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a p**...
"How Much For A h**...?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!]
She was Schwepped off her feet
There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick
Rain asked his mom, Why is my name 'Rain'?
Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.
Then Snow asked his mom, Why is my name 'Snow'?
Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.
Then Brick asked his mom, NYANYANYANYA
Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.
Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A shy cowboy goes into a bar
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)
She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.
She took the words right out of my mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
I lost my job at the bank on the first day...
...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
