A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
"How Much For A Hand Job?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
Get another one to say bingo
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
Doctor: Give your husband viagra.
Lady: I can't, he hates pills.
Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.
Next week she returns, unhappy.
Doctor: Was it good?
Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.
Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?
Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.
----
Get another one to yell BINGO
She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"
What a bitch.
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
"No, he gets spray tanned." she said.
The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"
Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?
And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.
He unzips his pants and plops his dick on the counter.
The lady behind the counter say "sir, this is a clock shop, not a cock shop."
He say, "I know, I'd like for you to put two hands and a face on this."
Get another old lady to yell, "BINGO!"
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."
She told me, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "Well you did it last week!"
- Henny Youngman
\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.
\- "It's the blind man"
The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.
\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Because... she couldn't see that well.
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.
"A fireman" he replies
"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says
"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Someone tells her:
"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"
She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:
"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"
Get a 5th old lady to yell "Bingo!"
When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lady? Well, here are the best Lady dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lady pick up lines to share with friends.