lads Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lads puns

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

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What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

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It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"๏ปฟ

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Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

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I was at the pub with the lads and they were talking about blowjobs...

Having had somewhat of a sheltered upbringing I didn't know what that meant, so when I got home I said to my girlfriend "Do you know what a blowjob is?". She burst into tears and walked out of the room. I was very confused, and also a bit dissapointed as she had been sucking my dick at the time

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Two irish men were eating in the pub.

The bar man shouts "Here lads you can't eat your own food in here!"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

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I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

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6 Moose

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot
survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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A Clever & Smart Husband

I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: Hi Babe I'm At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return.

I Sent Another Text: Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I'm Getting You A New Car

She Text Back In One Second: OMG Really?

I Replied: No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message.

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What do suicide bomb instructors always start their lesson with?

"Right lads, I'm only going to show you this once!"

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the lads to get away from 'er. I'll 'ave some pints, throw some darts, an' play some pool 'til the pub closes, stumble home, listen to 'er bitch for a while 'til I pass out. I wake up the next day at noon when she's gone, and start it all o'er again."

**Therapist**: "Well, Mr. Andrews, I have full confidence that we can get your drinking problem under control."

**Mr. Andrews**: "Drinkin' problem? Don't be daft! I want to stop feelin' guilty, ya twit!"

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A Scottish Sargent knocks on a whore-house door.

When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."

Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company Ho!"

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A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.

When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps paddy and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies

"my wifes epileptic"

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Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."

The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."

The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."

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Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.

One says to the otherย  where you from?

Glanmire - outside Cork ย replies the second

Amazing so am i! ย the first exclaimsย  what school did you go too?

St Josephs ย he replies

St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!! ย shouts the first

The second asksย  what year did you graduate?

1982 ย comes the reply.

My lord! ย the 2nd stares in disbeliefย  I graduated 1982 also!

Its gonna be a long night ย says the barman to a bar fly The Murphy twins are drunk again!

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Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

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No toilet paper

Two women walking home drunk had to pee so they went into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper soย one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We'd better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers. You think that's bad, said the other, mineย had a card up her arse saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you!

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I was in my local pub yesterday talking to a bloke.

Him: "Yesterday my wife left me for my best friend..."

Me: "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what a bitch. How long has he been your best friend?"

Him: "Since yesterday!! Drinks are on me lads!!!"

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Why are the dogs up there?

A group of lads walk past a building site on their way home from the pub.

To their utter amazement there's four dogs on the on the scaffolding wearing hardhats and tool belts.

One of the lads asks the site manager what the hell is going on.

The site manager simply laughs and says "Their specialty is roofing"

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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottish man were at the playground when a leprechaun appeared....

"Lads" says the Leprechaun, pointing to his right: "this is a wishing slide, when you slide down it, just make a wish, and whatever it is ya wish for, you'll land in it!".


"Ok, i'll give it a go" says Paddy Englishman.
He begins to climb the ladder.

"Nice and loud now" reminds the Leprechaun.

"GOLD!" Shouts Paddy Englishman man as he begins to slide down, and sure enough, he lands in a pile of gold coins.

"I'm next" says Paddy Scottishman running up the ladder....

"MONEY" he shouts, and just like before, he lands in a big pile of cash.

"Now it's my turn" says Paddy Irishman, who , in all his excitement, forgot he was supposed to wish for something....


"WEEEEEE!" he says all the way down,
So he lands in it!

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One from the pub tonight.... And Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy Irishman are on a roofing job together....

And the Englishman goes: "Fuck me, my wife keeps making me these roast chicken sandwiches for lunch. I swear lads, if I get this shite again tomorrow, I'm jumping off this fucking roof!"

The Scotsman goes: "Fouck meh, laddiehs, my foucking wife keeps mehking me thes roost beef sandwheches. If I get 'em egen, I'm jumping'off this fouking ruf!"

The Paddy Irishman goes: "Fck meh, I get this ham sanwich, like. If I get'em egen, I'll joihn in, like!"

So, the next day comes along. The same sandwiches again. They all jump to their death.

So, the funeral's on. The Englishwoman's in tears: "Why didn't I switch the sandwiches up!" The Scotswoman's in tears with the same complaint. But the Paddy Irishwoman's *fuming.* When everyone asks her why at the funeral, she replies:

"'cos dhat fcking dopeh coont fixed 'ees owhn sandwiches, like!"

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Irish hunters

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.....

With some luck they managed to bag Six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's a wee poster."

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The use of a period can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example;

The lads are on their holidays.
The lads are on their period.

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A Scotsman goes into a bar...

Sits at the table and orders 4 pints of Innis & Gunn.
Waiter says: 4 pints?
Aye, me lads have all moved away and we toast each other by drinking a pint for each of us.

A few days later he comes back in and orders 3 pints.

The waiter says oh no sorry for the loss of your friend.

The Scotsman says Ack, no nobody died, I just quit drinking.

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Happy Paddy's Day lads and lasses

Irish chat up line:
Have ya got any Irish in ya?
I don't.
Well would ya like some?

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2 Shits and a Brain

So 2 Shits and a Brain enter a bar. One of the shits goes to the bar and orders 3 pints of Lager. Barman says "sorry lads, not tonight" Confused the Shit returns to his friends, "Boys the barman isn't going to serve us!" Brain decides he will give it a shot, "3 Pints, Please my good man" The Barman says again "Sorry lads, not tonight"
The Brain asks the barman "what is wrong with us ? We come here all the time??"
The barman replies "Look I cant serve you, You are out of your head and those two are steaming!"

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Last Night at the Club...

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

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I used to hate it at school when we all had to take a shower after PE...

...there were some pretty well developed lads in the 5th year with big cocks and large hairy balls.

I was really happy one day when the school found enough money to build a separate shower for us teachers.

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3 young lads trying to get into heaven.

One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and pulled out his keys, he shook them and said, 'These are Christmas bells.' The second man pulled out his lighter, held the flame in the air and said, 'It is the star in the east.' St Peter turned to the third man and raised his eyebrows, 'what about you' the man pulled out a pair of ladies knickers. Peter was shocked and exclaimed, 'what are those', the man replied, 'They're Carol's'

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For the Day that's in it: What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?

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Are nightclubs full of young people doing "the floss"?

I really need to know for my night out with the lads.

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What did the German General say to his soldiers before they got in the tank?

Right lads, in the tank

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What are the most funny Lads jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lads? Well, here are the best Lads dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lads pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes