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Ladies Shopping Jokes

86 ladies shopping jokes and hilarious ladies shopping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ladies shopping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Ladies Shopping Short Jokes

Short ladies shopping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ladies shopping humour may include short women shopping jokes also.

  1. A blonde dropped her shirt in at the cleaners... "come again" the shop assistant said as the lady left... "No just toothpaste", she replied.
  2. A good looking lady asks me what I have going on tonight, so I tell her me and a buddy of mine are going glasses shopping. Mhmmmm.. and after that?
    After that, we'll see
  3. A man on crutches walks into his local Ice-Cream shop.. He asks the lady behind the desk for a Knickerbocker Glory.
    She says; "Crushed nuts?"
    He says; "No, a sprained ankle"
  4. A woman goes in to a butchers shop Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
    Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.
  5. I saw an old lady struggling to carry her shopping bags to the car, so I did the good thing. And took some to my own car to make her life easier.
  6. My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week I told her that when ladies answer the door say, Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.
  7. A German tourist walks into a pie shop on Fleet Street in London And tells the lady behind the counter, "I would like to become a pie." And so he did.
  8. I feel like a g**... A lady came to the shop with her front license plate hanging off. I put in a couple of screws and she gave me $10.
  9. Two old ladies were talking in a coffee shop. Agnes, you have a suppository in your ear.
    **Agnes**: So *that's* where my hearing aide went.

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Ladies Shopping One Liners

Which ladies shopping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ladies shopping? I can suggest the ones about clothes shopping and window shopping.

  1. A blind man walks into a fishmongers shop... And says "Good morning ladies!"...
  2. There are 70 things to please a lady First is shopping, next is 69.
  3. What did the blind man say when he passed by the fish shop? Hello ladies
  4. So a blind guy walks into a bait shop... ...and says, "hello ladies!"
  5. Morning ladies Said the blind man as he walked past the fish shop.
  6. A blind man walks in to a fish shop and says "Hello there lady´s"
  7. What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish shop ? Hey ladies

Ladies Shopping Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about ladies shopping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean christmas shopping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ladies shopping pranks.

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!
She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.


The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

My friend is an avid collector of models of famous boats. He just called up the nice lady at the local hobby shop and she was able to find him a small model of the Concordia cruise ship, but she only had the one.

She said she'd put it 'aside' for him

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.

She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."
She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Were you the dancer at my batchelor party, who my friends paid to tie me up and ride me, while I was drunk?"
The lady responds, "No - I'm your son's Math teacher."

A lady walks into an ice cream shop.

"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

A young man shopping in a supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $137.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 price tag so he asked the lady why is this one so much more than the rest. And the lady replied, "we'll for starters it comes with kens cars, kens house and kens testicals on a keychain."

The magic mirror

Some say that there is a magic mirror in a shopping ladies room that could grant any wish if you tell it the truth, but will make you disappear if you lie in front of it.
Once there was a beautiful brunette that found this mirror and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest brunette on earth!
*puff* and there she ceased of exist.
Then came a heartbreaking redhead and said:
- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest redhead on earth!
*puff* and there she goes too.
Then came a blonde, the most pretty girl you can imagine.
- I've been thinking... *puff*

So the church is losing money...

...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."
The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.
She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."
The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."
She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."
The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."
The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."
The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"
"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"
She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"
He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the f**...' in chocolate?"
She furrows her brow, "But there is no f**...' in chocolate!"
He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said...

At the annual women's rights convention the speaker got up and said "last year we talked about making our husband's do more of the work often considered women's work, let's hear how that went."
First a lady from the USA got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more cleaning until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he cleaned the whole house from top to bottom." Everyone cheered.
Next a lady from Britain stood up and said "I told my husband I wasn't doing laundry until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he not only did his laundry, but mine as well." More cheers.
Then a lady from Australia got up and said "I told my husband I wasn't going to do any more grocery shopping until he helped. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye"

Three Old Ladies

Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

A r**... family was visiting the city...

...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."

How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me...is right here,replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say... Sem Ting.

The pet shop parrot.

A lady was walking to work and passed a pet shop when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" This made the lady very angry, but she ignored the parrot and continued on her way.
On her way home from work later that day, she passed by the pet shop again, and yet again the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store to talk to the manager, threatening to go to the police.
The store manager apologised profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot never said that again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the pet shop to see if the manager had kept his promise. "Hey, lady!" the parrot said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Shopping for my fiancé

I was shopping for my fiancé the other day, wanted to pick her out something just right, so I asked the sales lady if she could try it on since she is about the same size as my fiancé and would like to see how it looked and fit. She called me a freak and told me to get out of the store. Apparently that's not how you shop for tampons

Furniture shopping

An old favorite which might bear more than one telling is the one about the lady who visited a furniture store and ask to see a s**... couch.
The salesman, masking his amusement, politely asked, Don't you perhaps mean a section couch, madam?
No, no, she replied emphatically, I'm sure my interior decorator told me I should have a s**... couch for an occasional piece in the living room.

Man walks back into a fish n' chip shop...

...Looking down at his supper he asks, "Are you sure this fish was cooked?"
The lady serving behind the counter asks, "How come?!"
"IT'S ATE' ALL THE f**...' CHIPS!" :D
***[Old one but a good'n]***

So a man was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a Halloween costume.

So he went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and the guy said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and the man said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

A lady is shopping for a big family dinner

She goes to the market to get a turkey to roast, but she can't find one that is large enough to feed her entire family. She finds an employee and asks "Excuse me sir, do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No ma'am, I'm sorry... they're dead."

butcher

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and observer that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and m**... with liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, one if his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained he didn't have any.
The lady was annoyed. She pointed and said, " No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right overt there?"
The butcher frowned at her and replied " That, lady, is my son-in-law."

The lady at the front counter of my donut shop said her husband started taking male e**... pills...

Which would be fine except he's the baker and the holes in the donuts were a little bigger this week.

A Chinese shop owner

Tourist: What's your name?
Shop Owner: Moshe Dayan
Tourist: But you don't look Jewish. You look Chinese.
Shop Owner: Yes, you're right.
Tourist: Then how did you ever get a name like Moshe Dayan?
Shop Owner: It's like this. Years ago, when i came to America, I was standing in line at the immigration documentation centre. The man in front of me was a Jewish man from Germany. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He said, "Moshe Dayan." Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?" I said, " Sam Ting."

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign that says "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"
The old man replies:
"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

Pumping up his stomach

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**... and the mother throws on a robe and rushes him out of the room. "I was just hopping on daddy's big belly to make it smaller" she says, but the little boy tells her "That's useless because every time you go shopping the neighbor lady comes and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY
I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.
I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.
When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms
I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms
The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye
Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages
I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"
The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

An act of Kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as expected, gladly accepted the offer, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me.

"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

Cheeky

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

A little boy walks in on his parents having s**....

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

A woman walks into a sports shop

She asks one of the employees for a pump needle. The employee finds one for her and says, "That will be 1 dollar". The lady responds, "That is odd, the last time I was here they only cost 50 cents". The employee responded, "Sorry ma'am, but that is inflation for ya"

A woman is doing some grocery shopping...

She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"

Son walks in on Parents...

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

My good deed for the day

In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you've got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

Went shopping this afternoon.

Good deed done today.
This afternoon at the Morrisons check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change and she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.
She didn't want me to help her but I insisted...................and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Have a great Christmas! :)

My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

A man is shopping for a Valentine's Day Card

He goes into the shop and asks the lady working there, "Do you have any cards that say 'For the one and only love of my life?'
'That's so romantic! The lady exclaims 'Yes, we do have a card with that exact text.'
'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'

A lady just came up to me in the shopping centre and asked me to take apart in a survey....

Q1 - What grooming products do you use...... I don't think .. Facebook, Haribo and Puppies were the answers she was after..

I did my good deed for the day

I was at the Walmart check-out and was behind an old lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $51.60 but when she counted out her change she only had just under $50.
She didn't want me to help her, bless her poor little soul, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,

when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:
\- Come here.
The servant, heads down, obeys.
\- Take off my jacket.
Hands shaking, he obliges.
\- Now... Take off my dress.
Slowly, he does so.
\- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.
He does so, not saying a word.
\- Now... My bra and my p**...!
Looking down and shaking, he obeys.
\- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!

I was out shopping with the wife the other day when i saw a group of young ladies all wearing mini skirts.

I said, "Ooh look at those legs, I bet you wish you had legs like them?"
She didn't answer, but I think it upset her because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed.
As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"
"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still have no place to put bedside lamp."

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.
When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.
One lady turns to the other & says:
'Well we could always eat one...'

A little boy walks into his parents' room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

I just got back from a shift at Tesco's..

And while I was working a nice old lady came to my til. I scanned through all her items and it came to £56.83, but after counting up all her change she had just shy of £40.
So I offered to help her, to which she refused but I eagerly insisted. I thought this is probably someone's Nan, and I'd like to think someone would help my Nan in the same situation.
So after no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves!

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.

A lady brought her car into my shop the other day

It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "s**... in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.

She didn't answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop

So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.
The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have s**... on top, your more likely to have a boy
The redhead say oh that must mean I'm likely to have a girl
There was a pause and then the blonde say Uh Oh imma be having puppies!

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.
The pro asks: where'd you get stung?
Between the first and second hole , she answers.
The pro replied: your stance is too wide .

Sadly that shop didn't have any small shiny discs either.

Sorry , said the cashier, we don't have any in stock.
A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.
So she tried another shop down the road.
Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.
"What is it, dad?" asked the son.
"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.
They watched in wonder as an old lady walked up to the doors, pressed a button, and stepped inside the now-open doors. The doors closed once again and a while later, a 20-year-old blonde strolled out of the doors.
The father told his son, "Go get your mother!"

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. h**... €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:
"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the h**...?"
Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:
"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the h**...".
The Frenchman immediately puts €5 on the counter and says:
"In this case wash your hands well, because I want 5 croissants"

A guy walks into a bar

... and orders a beer. "Hey, what happened to the smoke shop that used to be next door? the guy asks the bartender. "I thought I'd stop in and pick up some stuff and now its some sort of ladies apparel store." "Yep," the bartender replies. "Clothes, but no cigar."