ladder Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious ladder puns

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk enough for this so he continued climbing.

Soon after he saw another woman lying on the cloud, this time slightly thinner and with average looks.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

Noticing the pattern, Harry climbs further and sees an attractive woman with a good figure.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

Getting excited, he continued climbing.
On the next cloud was the most stunning woman he had ever seen - perfect body, slim curves, full set of gorgeous breasts - the lot.

"Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," she breathed seductively.

Despite the beauty of this woman, Harry's greed got the better of him and he continues climbing.

"The next one will have to be Aphrodite or the like," he thinks to himself.

Suddenly a latch locks behind Harry and he is trapped inside a dark room.
An enormous 6 ft 5, 120kg biker-looking bloke with a full set of tattoos and a great bushy beard stands up and starts walking towards him menacingly.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Harry asks.
The man grins and replies "I'm Cess."

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

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A man was mending his roof.

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder and asked the old guy. The old guy replied, "Can you please spare me some money?" The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me." He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little cunt!"

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Stop shaking the ladder, you little bastard!

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words...

"Stop shaking the goddamn ladder you little shit!"

Oh grandpa.

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit"

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I'll never forget my uncles last words to me...

"Dont shake the ladder you little shit"

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What's the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis -- LADDER. I meant ladder.

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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words.

''Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt''

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Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

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I'll never forget my uncle's last words.

"Quit shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

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A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

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A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."

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I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

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I have a stepladder...

...because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

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I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"

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Typical dumb blonde...

Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose.
"We've been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation." Billy-Bob replied, "But we just don't have a ladder!"
The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily:
"That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!" She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill.
Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. "Isn't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

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2 engineers v/s a Blonde

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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Found this joke online thought I'd share it

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

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I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...

"are you still holding the ladder?"

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my penisβ€”I mean my motherβ€”I mean the ladder.

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The Dead Painter

A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy.

A young boy replied that he had, indeed, witnessed the death. The detective asked him, "Did you see how he died?"

"Yes sir," the boy replied. "He died because he took the Lord's name in vain."

The detective was confused. "How did he die from that? What did he say?"

"He said, 'HEY KID, QUIT SHAKING THE GODDAMNED LADDER!'"

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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

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This is my stepladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

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Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard drinks were on the house.

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Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her that the brewery will support her financially.

Of course, the widow is still devastated by her loss, and under tears she asks the director: "Please tell me, did my husband suffer?", to which the director replies "I don't think so, because he climbed out of the tank twice to take a piss!".

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Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

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Il never forget my grandfathers final words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

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Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

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I never forgot the last words grampa said to me

"Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!"

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Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

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A corporate ladder...

is much like a tree full of monkeys. They're all trying to climb to the top and taking shits on the people below them. But more so, the monkeys on top look down and see nothing but shitheads and the ones on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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I have a step ladder

I never met my real ladder .

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A muslim in Heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffee !!!!"

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I have a step ladder

its a nice ladder, but I wish I knew my real ladder.

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I'll never forget my dad's last words

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

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How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, I mean father, I mean LADDER!

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I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

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I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

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How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb?

Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to turn the ladder.

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, exactly.

One to hold your penis and one to turn the lightbulb.


I mean, *the ladder*.
I meant, one to hold the ladder and the other to turn your mother. The lightbulb. You know what I meant.

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Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the party?

I told her that drinks were on the house

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My grand father died last week

I've been really sad but I'll always remember his last words " stop shaking the ladder you little fuck"
(I don't know if this has been posted before sorry if it has)

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This is my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder...

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The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

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I still remember my dad's last words...

"Stop shaking the ladder you fuck!"

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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words to me before he died.

Are you still holding the fucking ladder?!

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The ladder to success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

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How many Google plus users does it take to change a lightbulb ?

All of them actually . Two to hold the ladder and one to change the lightbulb .

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How many Freudian scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis
LADDER I MEANT LADDER!!

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Raisin bread

A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."

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How many Valve employees does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two. Two to hold a ladder and one to screw it in.
Whats that? Three you say? They can't count that high.

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I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me:

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

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Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

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How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

One Slytherin to break it.

One Gryffindor to volunteer to change it.

Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor student.

And one Ravenclaw to point out that they could have just used magic in the first place.

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A beautiful brunette dies and 'wakes' up in a room.. [NSFW]

.. In the room in one corner there is a ladder heading up into a hole in the roof, and in another corner a small man with a small ugly penis, red with sores.


"Hi, I'm Fassi, and you're in hell. You have two choices. You can either suck me, or you can climb the ladder to success."


The brunette wonders what kind of an idiot that guy is. "I'll climb up to success, thank you". The man shrugs, used to the response, and she climbs up the ladder to emerge into another room.


In it sits a massive man with a massive dong, covered in warts, pus, and dried blood.


Speaks he, in a booming voice. "Hi, I'm Cess.."


:D


(Not original, and no idea how many times this has been posted)

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I have a step-ladder

I've never known my biological ladder

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder!

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I have a step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder... :*(

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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!

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I fell of a 50ft ladder today!

Luckily, I was only on the second step.

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I have a Stepladder..

I never knew my real Ladder

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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me.

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the social ladder.

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This is my step ladder

I never knew my real ladder.

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How to climb a ladder

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 3.

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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5

1 to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

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So a man dies and goes to heaven

While there he finds out there are different stages of heaven.
He begins on the first stage. On the first stage, there is the hottest girl he has ever seen, she is in jeans and a jumper. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man decides it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 2, there is another girl, even hotter than the last, but she is only in a bikini. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
Again, the man figures it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 3, there is another girl, hotter than both the other girls combined, she is butt naked. She looks at him and says "I am the second last stage, you can either stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man can barely contain his excitement to see what the the last stage holds for him, so he climbs the ladder to the final stage.

As he arrives, he sees a big, fat, naked man standing in front of him, the naked man looks him dead in the eye and says "Hi, I'm cess"

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2: One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the penis... LADDER, I MEAN LADDER!

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A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.

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Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

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Two Infantry Officers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up....

A technician walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one officer, 'But we don't have a ladder."
The technician said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
He then took measuring tape from their toolbox, took the measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
The second officer shook his head and laughed and said: "Look at this bloody civilian, We needed the height and this fool gave us the length!"

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[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder!"

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climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The woman asks, "who the hell are you?"
The man said, "Hi. My name's Cess."

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A burglar

Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window, screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

Sorry, lady, came back the answer, you've got the fire department. What you want is the police department.

No, no, she pleaded, I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!

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I will always remember my grandpa's last words

Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!

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The ladder to success

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess".

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I will never forget my grandfather's last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you c*nt

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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ...

"Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!"

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I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died..

I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.


"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to screw in the bulb, the other to hold the peni-- I mean ladder! The other to hold the ladder.

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How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis.
...
...
...
Er... I mean... The ladder.

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and another to hold the penis. ladder! I meant ladder.

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How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?

4 - One to hold the lightbulb, and three to turn the ladder

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My Grandfather

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words..

"Are you sure you're holding the fucking ladder?"

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I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me before she died.

"Are you still holding that fucking ladder?!".

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I accidentally fell off a 50-foot ladder

but good thing I was only on the 3rd step

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How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2. One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis---ladder!!
I meant ladder...

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

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I fell off a 20 foot ladder yesterday...

Luckily I was just on the first rung.

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I still remember my mother in law's last words before she died.

She said Stop shaking the ladder you idiot!

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How many Fruedian psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two - one to screw in the light-bulb, while the other holds the penis. ...LADDER! I mean ladder!

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I once asked my friend why he only had a step ladder.

He told me "I don't know, I never knew my real ladder."

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People always asked me why I made puns.

I told them that we live in a world where a comedian either climbs to be a legend or lives long enough to start using puns... and I chose the ladder.

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I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope...

I chose the latter.

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Hey girl, you remind me of an unbalanced ladder.

I can't fucking stand you.

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My neighbor came over and asked me if i had a stepladder

I said yeah, I never knew my real ladder.

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How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.
One to change the bulb,
One to hold the penis.
I mean father.
I mean ladder!

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This is a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

Last I heard he was in a twelve step program.

I'll see myself out.

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How do you climb a ladder?

Step 1
Step 2

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50 ft ladder.

John: "Shit, I just fell off a "
Adam: "Oh no, are you okay?"
John: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

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I have a Step-Ladder...

I never knew my real ladder tho. :\

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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

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Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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How many dads does it take to change a bulb?

One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.

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I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

"stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis [cough], father [ah], ladder

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Fell off a 50ft ladder today...

...good thing I was on the first wrung!

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What do you call a Mormon climber?

A Ladder Day Saint.

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I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa said just before he died.

You still holding that fuckin' ladder?

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This is heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?', he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: ' Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

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I'll always remember my father's last words to me...

He said "stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

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The Ladder

A police officer arrives at the scene of a horrific accident. A painter had died falling off his ladder. It seemed like an open-and-shut accidental death, but the responding officer decided to look for witnesses to make sure.

There was a twelve-year-old boy standing nearby, so the officer called him over. "Son, did you see how that gentleman died?"

"I sure did, Officer. He was punished by God!"

The officer looked perplexed. "Why was he punished by God?"

"For taking the Lord's name in vain."

"I'm confused, son. What did he say?"

"He said, 'HEY KID, QUIT SHAKING THE GODDAMNED LADDER!'"

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If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...

I would choose the ladder.

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[Politics] Illegal immigrants are lucky

The government is helping them escape the US

...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs

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I fell off a 40 foot ladder

Luckily it was the first step

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Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!
'so umm... Ladies first' he says as he points at the ladder to go up, his heart pumping, excited to maybe even get to see Nancy's panties.

She starts to climb happily and blissfully unaware of Johnny's intentions. Once Johnny grabs the ladder to start climbing himself, he gave the ladder a bit of a jolt and she looked down to see what was happening and noticed Johnny looking up and yelled 'Hey! Did you just want Me to climb first so that you can peek at my underwear?!'
Johnny looks down at the ground and admits to his intentions.

She responds 'HA!! The joke's on you! I'm not wearing any panties!'

*

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, the other to hold my penis. My father! The ladder! I meant the ladder...

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I was in a love triangle with my girlfriend and a tool. I told her she had to choose. Me or him.

She chose the ladder.

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This is my stepladder...

I never knew my real ladder

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I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, "I'll get on top." I said, "Great, I'll get the ladder."

She said, "You sure think a lot of yourself, don't you?"

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A College Blonde

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof.

"You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."

The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!

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Why did the blonde take the ladder to the pub

She heard the drinks were on the house

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An old man Goes Into a Bakery...

The girl behind the counter is wearing a very short skirt. A customer orders raisin bread, which means she has to grab a little step ladder and grab the loaf off the highest shelf. As she's going up the ladder, all the guys in the store realize they can now see up her skirt. So they all line up and start ordering raisin bread. This poor girl is running up and down the ladder over and over, and finally she gets to serve the old man. "Is yours a raisin too?" she asks, exasperated. "No," he says, with a wink"but its a wigglin'"

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The last thing my dad said to me

The last thing my dad said to me was "stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

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Did you hear about the math teacher...

...who used a ladder to solve a calculus problem written at the very top of his blackboard?

He really rose to the equation.

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How many McDonald's employees does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't climb the ladder.

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Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That's why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Hold that ladder tight, you little cunt."

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I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather said to me before he died...

"Quit shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

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I have a step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take it change a light bulb?

One to hold the ladder and the other to screw ~~your mother~~ it in.

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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, one to change the light buld and the other 9 to say "that should be me up there"
2) How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one but it takes a whole emergancy room to screw it back out again
3) How many English men does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, One to climb the British standard safety ladder while wearing a high vis jacket and hard hat while the other one carries out a whole risk assessmennt and cancels the operation as it is deemed unsafe.
4) How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
5) How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? 250,000. One to change the lightbulb and 249,999 to debate whether it was politically correct.

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to hold the ladder and the other to screw the mother.. LIGHTBULB!

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Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder?

The steaks were too high.

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I can still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Hey, stop shaking the ladder!"

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How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. And maybe a ladder. They're short, not retarded!!!

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to unscrew it, and one to hold the ~~cock~~ ~~father~~ ladder.

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I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

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How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

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I have a step ladder.

I just wish I knew who my real ladder was.

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A man walks into a pet store.

The man says he wants to buy a parrot, and the owner says, "I've got the perfect pet right here. This parrot isn't expensive, and he's guaranteed to talk. Guaranteed. You can't lose." So the man buys the parrot, a cage, and a cover.

A week later the man returns to the store and says, "That parrot you sold me doesn't talk. Not a word." The owner says, "Now let me get this straight. You took the bird home, took off the cover, he walks up the little gold ladder and he doesn't talk?" "What little gold ladder?" "You don't have the little gold ladder? You have to have the gold ladder. It's $25." "Oh. Well, OK." The man buys the ladder and goes home.

He's back a week later with the same complaint. The owner says," Now let me get this straight. You took him home, took off the cover, he walks up the little gold ladder, looks in the little gold mirror, and he doesn't talk?" "What little gold mirror?" "Oh, you don't have the little gold mirror. You have to. It's $25." "Oh. OK." And the man buys the mirror and goes home.

The man comes back a week later - the parrot still doesn't talk. The owner says, "Now let me get this straight. You took him home, took off the cover, he walks up the little gold ladder, he looks at himself in the little gold mirror, rings the little gold bell-" "Here's $25, give me the damn bell." And he storms out.

He's back the next week. "That parrot you sold me died." "He did? I'm really sorry to hear that...... Tell me, did he ever talk?" "Well, once near the end ... he looked up at me and he said, "Food...."

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What are the best Ladder puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Ladder? Well, here are the best jokes about Ladder to have fun with.

Joko Jokes