Labour Jokes
54 labour jokes and hilarious labour puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about labour that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Labour jokes are funny stories and one-liners related to all topics involving work, from small tasks to labour unions, birth and parenting to jokes about the joys and hardships of pregnancy and labour. Find some of the best and funniest labour jokes to make light of, and laugh about the daily grind of work, productivity and child labour.
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Funniest Labour Short Jokes
Short labour jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The labour humour may include short labor jokes also.
- A woman in labour suddenly shouts out "wouldn't, couldn't, didn't, can't" "Don't worry", the doctor replies, "they're just contractions".
- When I was younger I couldn't afford a house. But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can't. But my boss has five.
- I went for an interview for a labouring job The boss said starting pay is £60 a day, and after six months it goes up to £80. When do you want to start?
I said in 6 months - An old man told me unpaid labour is the best kind of work there is. But honestly, it makes no cents.
- I adopted a child from overseas... I adopted a child from overseas.
To prevent him from working child-labour factories.
And on his very first birthday, we took him to build a bear workshop. - How many babies does it take to paint a house? None. The minimum age for physical labour in most places is 13-15 and babies would not be allowed to use the paint
- Why did Hercules not want to settle down with a wife and have children? He'd already been through 9 labours and couldn't be arsed to go through a tenth!
- UK ELECTIONS UPDATE It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂 - Why is Hercules the most suitable midwife out of all the demigods? Because he's already been through 12 labours!
- [UK] How do you induce labour? Go back to December 2019 and hope everyone votes for Jeremy Corbyn
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Labour One Liners
Which labour one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with labour? I can suggest the ones about labor and delivery and toil.
- OP is in labour. Still can't deliver.
- I can't understand what the fuss is about the Labour manifesto! I'd give it full Marx.
- What do you call a dog working as a door salesman? A labour-ador
- What is another name for a birth day? Labour day!
- My wife just went into labour... I think I'm gonna have a mid wife crisis.
- What Kind Of Food Does The Labour Party Eat? Unions...
- What is the similarity between child labour and birds? They're both cheap.
- Why does Theresa May not have children? She's never wanted to be in Labour
- I'm strongly opposed to child labour Because children really lack a sense of quality
- Germans: Why you don't work on the 1st of Mai - Labour Day Arbeit macht Frei
- Teen pregnancy? More like *child labour*
- What do you call a group of Mexicans doing work? Manuel labour.
Labour Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny labour day jokes and even better labour day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 12 days of Labour Why does Jeremy Corbyn enjoy advent calendars?
Because it is the only time he will open the door to Number 10.
Labour Union Jokes
Here is a list of funny labour union jokes and even better labour union puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- is this the beginning of a union? cause I'm feeling a rigidity in my labour market baby ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Labour And Delivery Jokes
Here is a list of funny labour and delivery jokes and even better labour and delivery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dave's wife is pregnant Dave: Push!
Wife: [in labour] I AM
Dave: push harder!!
Wife: I CAN'T
Dave: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Comical Labour Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about labour you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean worker jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make labour pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Manual labour
My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through labour...
...but there is a b**... and her car isn't working. Her husband attempts to deliver the baby. Their young daughter is asked to hold a torch so that her father can see.
After a long and stressful procedure, the baby boy is born. The man spanks the newly born child and the baby starts crying. The mother asks the daughter about what she just saw.
"s**... him again, he shouldn't of crawled up there in the first place."
So a goat wakes up a farmer screaming "I'm going into labour!"
The farmer replies: "are you kidding?"
One day an elderly Chinese grandfather gets a phone call from his son
"Come quick, I'm about to be a dad!" says the son.
So the grandfather rushes down to the hospital to see his daughter-in-law going into labour.
"It's twins!" says the son excitedly.
After many moments of screaming and pushing, the son is holding a beautiful Chinese boy.
"What a handsome boy!" says the son proudly. The father can't help but agree as he admires his first grandchild. The wife prepares to deliver the second child as the first baby is laid down in a crib.
After more agonising shouts and clenches, the son is holding a beautiful African boy.
"Well, it's not what I expected" says the surprised son, "but he is still a handsome boy."
The grandfather, however, grabs the African baby and runs to the bathroom.
"Dad! What are you doing?!" the son exclaims.
The grandfather opens the lid of the toilet and dumps the baby inside.
"Son," he says, "ancient Chinese proverb been told in family for many generation..."
He pushes the flush button and says "If it yellow, let it mellow..."
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Middle Eastern civilization have no major accomplishments?
It's too sunni for physical labour and everyone has s**...'ite for brains.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.
A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.
What does Labour think of the upcoming election?
They believe it will be near the end of May.
White House painting tender.
Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.
Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$
European guy quoted 7 million U$
Indian guy quoted 10 million U$
Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied "1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit."
Trump asked european guy, He replied-" 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit"
Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied."
4 million for you, 3 million for me and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!
Indian got the contract !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
What happened to the pregnant woman in labour who failed to board the horse wagon in time?
She suffered a miss-carriage.
Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.
One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary. What'd you name them?
I named the girl Denise, Jack said.
That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?
Denephew.
Entry level position available!
3 years forklift experience required
5 years general labour required
Class 5 drivers license required
2 years kitchen experience required
4 years retail services required
2 years hospitality services required
4 years janitorial services required
3 years business degree preferred
5 years relevant experience required
$11 an hour to start(with 20¢ raise for every year of employment)
.
.
.
.
That's it. The joke is the current hiring system of the world.
Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.
In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.
In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.
And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Spanish guy never find a job satisfying?
Everything he did felt like Manuel Labour.
Bonus alt: He was always felt like the Manuel Juan.
I'm crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad.
Oh well, it's a labour of glove.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?
She doesn't. She says Labour already s**... it up.
My wife was going into labour
Frantically I asked her what I should do, and she told me to call her an ambulance.
So I said, You are an ambulance
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL c**...! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!
Yep, child labour.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's only natural
My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a f**..., that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.
"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."
Mom I think I'm adopted!
Mom: No you're not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?
Nathan: Well, I've just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I've got no living relatives?!
Mom: This is nonsense, let's show this to your dad…
Dad *walks in*: Well of course he's not our son, don't you remember the first night in the labour ward after you gave birth… you asked me to change him because he was crying so much? I think I picked a good one don't you?
An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...
But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.
He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.
"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."
(This one will make more sense to English readers, but enjoy it anyway!)
