Labor Day Jokes
56 labor day jokes and hilarious labor day puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about labor day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Labor Day Short Jokes
Short labor day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The labor day humour may include short workers day jokes also.
- "Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day
- On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found. She had a midwife crisis.
- What did children used to celebrate on thei r date of birth when Industrial Revolution took place? Labor day.
- Why didn't Jason wear his hockey mask for Halloween? Because you don't wear white after Labor Day.
- I am a labor and currently loving it, especially on the 1st day of May every year. It made May day
- I woke up, did my tax return, aced my exam, right before going into labor and giving birth It was a reproductive day.
- I always suspected that Matthew McConaughey was a rebel. That suspicion was confirmed when I saw what he wore every single day after Labor Day. All white, all white, all white.
- A Bodybuilder Enters h**... After a full day of hard labor, he asks Satan , "Hey man, is there somewhere I can get a protein shake around here?".
Satan replies, " There's no whey in h**...!!! ".
Share These Labor Day Jokes With Friends
Labor Day One Liners
Which labor day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with labor day? I can suggest the ones about memorial day and labor.
- To all the women who gave birth today… Happy Labor Day!
- I wish labor day was 9 months after spring break
- A maternity ward was overflowing one national holiday It was Labor day
- What is the most confusing holiday in Detroit? Labor Day.
- Today Americans celebrate Labor Day By not working and expecting to get paid for it.
- You know what? I love manual labor. In fact, I could watch it all day.
- What is the day when most Babies are born? Well, I was always told it's Labor Day.
- What's a holidays for Pregnant woman? Labor Day
- My cousin is most likely going to give birth tomorrow. I guess it really is Labor Day.
- What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.
- If mother's day is in May... Why is Labor Day in September?
- Happy Labor Day to all the mothers out there.
- Should one be allowed to work on International Labor day? Sure, if one wants, one may.
- There was a pregnant woman.... She was in labor and the doctor said: 'It's labor day!'
Fun-Filled Labor Day Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about labor day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean last day of work jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make labor day pranks.
I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will s**... the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
A taste of Russian humor
Ivan had worked at the wheelbarrow factory for as long as anyone could remember, and the day of his retirement had finally arrived. He was well respected and even liked by all his coworkers, and his boss wanted to give him his last farewell at the end of his last day while he was walking out, so he beckoned Ivan to his office. Ivan sat down.
Ivan, no one working here hasn't learned something from you. I personally can't thank you enough for your years of reliable labor. And you're the best wheelbarrow builder we currently have. But I'm curious about one thing. Every day I've ever seen you go home, I've seen you leaving with something covered in your wheelbarrow. What have you been taking home from work every day for all these years??
Ivan smiled, and said,
Wheelbarrows.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
The Pain Machine
A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.
"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."
She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get c**... when he still feels fine.
"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."
The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"
The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.
"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"
Minimum Wage
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards got an anonymous tip that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help. They immediately sent an official agent out to investigate him.
GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus free room and board.
GOVT AGENT: Well, those payments and conditions are within the law. Anybody else work here?
RANCHER: Well, I wasn't going to say. But there's also a mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work on the ranch. He makes about $10 per week, sometimes less. He pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life, but then sometimes he tries to make love to my wife.
GOVT AGENT: Okay, yes, then THAT's the guy I heard about, and need to talk to -- the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
So a man was driving home from work one day...
It's pretty late, so he decides to take the freeway to get there faster. He sees a 60mph speed limit sign and figures no one will ever know if he pushes it a little. 65...70...at 75 he decides he'll get home quick enough, not noticing the cop right behind him.
The cop, seeing him, puts on his lights. The man worriedly realizes "Oh no... I can't get another ticket, I just can't." He gets an idea and pulls over. The cop, shaking his head, walks up to the vehicle.
"Sir, did you know you were going 75 miles per hour in a 60 mile per hour zone?"
The man, thinking quickly, exclaims "My wife's in labor! I need to get her to the hospital stat!"
The cop looks in the vehicle and raises an eyebrow. "You're driving alone, sir."
The man looks around, panicked. "Oh my God! I forgot my wife!"
A woman was in labor...
So there's this guy and his pregnant wife right? Well, the wife is pregnant with twins. One day, the soon-to-be-mother goes in labor and her husband takes her to the hospital, along with the wife's brother. While she's having the twins, she passes out, and so does the husband. The next day, she realizes she and her husband passed out, and the only one around to name the twins was her brother. Worried because her brother was quite the prankster she asks the nurse "What did he name the babies?" The nurse replies "Well he named the girl Denice." "Oh that's a nice name. What about my son?" And then, the nurse trying not to laugh, responds "He named your son Denephew."
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of
A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...
...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his t**... feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."
A doctor invents a machine to transfer labor pain from the mother to the father...
He asks a young couple having their first baby if they'd like to test it. They agree and hook the husband up to the machine. The doctor starts it at. 10%. The guy says he's fine. They crank it up to 40%. The wife is having significant relief, so the husband says crank it up to 80%."I don't know what women are complaining about, this is a breeze."
After a very easy delivery, the couple arrives home the next day to find the mailman dead on their doorstep.
My Buddy is Running a Painting Company This Summer
So my buddy at school is running a painting company as a project for one of his business classes this semester. The point of the project is to gain experience as a business owner and not to turn a profit, so the company provides the paint and other supplies and charges a small fee for labor. Generally, the families are extremely appreciative and really nice to talk to. One day, I was helping him put the final coat on a house and I overheard his discussion with the homeowner as they were going over the bill.
"Wow, this is a great price!" Exclaims the homeowner.
"Yep! We're just happy to help out, the money isn't really important." Says my buddy.
With an inquisitive look, the homeowner scans the bill and asks, "it says here that I'm only being charged for labor, what about the paint?"
My buddy smiles, "it's on the house."
A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....
...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:
I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.
So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?
Sorry for the terrible grammar :D
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
Dad joke while in labor and delivery
Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that's an odd number. Made my day but was made to a tough crowd so came here for a better response.
A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"
The mother replies, "Like father like son"
My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke
It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.
"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."
The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."
The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...
"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"
Did you know the saying "to work up an appetite" originated from back when people would become hungry as the result of physical labor AND THEN consume food? Wow, the more you know!
These days, I've just been saying, "Man, I really j**... up the ability to binge-eat an entire carrot cake."
The Story of Creation as told by Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
