Kremlin Jokes
47 kremlin jokes and hilarious kremlin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kremlin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Kremlin Short Jokes
Short kremlin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kremlin humour may include short president jokes also.
- Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Bought a Russian car... The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
- What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."? Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.
- TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux. Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.
- Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
- The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight
- How did the Kremlin staff found Brezhnev in the morning? They found him Lenin' on the bed with heating on Marx.
- Trump will take his time considering new FBI director candidates... Until the Kremlin fixes its routers to give him an answer.
- How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin? Put up a sign that says "collective farm." Then half the mice will starve, and the rest will run away.
- Preparing my US Taxes... Should we already mail it to the Kremlin? Or does that kick in only in 2018?
Share These Kremlin Jokes With Friends
Kremlin One Liners
Which kremlin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kremlin? I can suggest the ones about soviet and comrade.
- Why is the Kremlin so much warmer this winter? It had new windows Putin
- What does "Kremlin" translate to in English? White House.
- How do you know when the Kremlin has diarrhea? They're rushin' pootin' to the bathroom.
- The Kremlin knows only two kinds of people Those who are loyal and
- Russian dictators are the best. They're the crème de la Kremlin!
- Do you know what the kremlin is? Yea I do, don't get them wet or feed them after midnight
- What's the antonym of the White house? The Kremlin
- Why did the Kremlins chef screw up Putins order? He was rushin.
- what did the Kremlin say when Kruschev died? we will bury him.
The Funniest Kremlin Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about kremlin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kremlin pranks.
Russian Yeltsin Joke
Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.
A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't park there! That's right under Yeltsin's window!"
The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies:
"No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car"
I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia's oil and such things.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kennedy's USSR joke
A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
A Soviet and an American are talking
The American says, "I am able to March into DC, march into the oval office, and say. Mr Reagan, I don't like how you're running this country." The Russian scoffs and says, "I can do the same, I can march into Moscow, go to the Kremlin, go to the general secretary's office and say. Mr Gorbachev, I don't like how Reagan is running his country."
Why did the Kremlin sacrifice 8.7 million soldiers during WWII?
They were just Stalin for time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...
After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.
Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American and a Russian were talking in a bar
The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
Soviet joke my grandpa told me
Brezhnev is showing his mother how well he has done. He shows her his suite in the Kremlin, his country house with a fully stocked kitchen, his Black Sea villa, his limousine. She says: 'This is all really nice...but what will you do if the Bolsheviks come back?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin
A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to h**...? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"
The American and the Russian
Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:
>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President's office and say: "Mr President, I don't like the way you are running this country!"
>
>
>Russian: That's nothing - we can also go to the Kremlin, barge in Gorbachev's office and say: "Mr General Secretary, I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"
Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.
"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.
An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.
The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way things are going, I can go to the Kremlin Presidium, walk right up to the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet, and say 'Members of the Presidium, I do not like the way that the American president is running his country'"
BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week
Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian and an American get on a plane in Moscow and get to talking.
The Russian says he works for the Kremlin and he's on his way to go learn American p**... techniques.
"What American p**... techniques?" asks the American.
"Exactly," the Russian replies.
Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.
Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.
They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many of us are coming!"
A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And this is how they will be sent back to you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.
Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.
I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.
Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.
Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."
"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Brittney says.
"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin, demand to see Putin, and tell him I don't like the way President Biden is running his country."
(Stolen from an old Reagan joke)
America vs Russia
An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running his country.''
