Kosher Jokes
55 kosher jokes and hilarious kosher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kosher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with our collection of the funniest Kosher jokes ever! Read these classic gags about sausages, kosher pickles, 1001 kosher, and more. Get a different take on traditional Judaism and its symbols as told by Rabbis. Don't miss these hilarious jokes that both kids and adults will enjoy!
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Funniest Kosher Short Jokes
Short kosher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kosher humour may include short jewish food jokes also.
- I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.
- What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher
- Did you know you can't go into a Kosher kitchen if you're having an argument with dairy? Because then you would be having beef with cheese.
- Today my culinary teacher challenged us to make a food pun She's going to have a rutebega'ning when we tell her challenging kids isn't kosher.
- I recently found out that "shlong" was Yiddish. It made me wonder what other Kosher things my dad gave me as a child.
- Going to take my girlfriend out on a date to a Jewish restaurant. Hopefully it'll bring us kosher.
- What is less Kosher than a bacon wrapped shrimp? A communion wafer
- What do you call a Jewish cop? Kosher Pork.
- Benedict Cumberbatch, if we dissect his name it means "Blessed batch of cucumbers" In other words, he is just a jar of Kosher Dill Pickles
- News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week I guess the oven must have been broken
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Kosher One Liners
Which kosher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kosher? I can suggest the ones about old jewish and halal.
- Which is the most kosher martial art? Jew jitsu
- My rabbi was telling me about his kosher coffee company Hebrews it all himself.
- I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill.
- Why are jews circumcised? Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.
- Im going to open a Kosher Hotdog stand in my attic. It's called Anne's Franks.
- What do you call someone who only drinks kosher Hydrochloric Acid? Acidic Jew
- I want to start a kosher hotdog company And call it Anne Franks...
- If He has risen... ...does that mean Jesus isn't kosher for Passover?
- I started using kosher yeast in all my baking Now my bread rises 3 days later
- What do you call an unsweetened, kosher lemonade? acidic juice
- What do you call a truck that hauls Kosher goods? A Semite truck.
- What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner? He Kosher.
- What do Kosher bars serve? Juice.
- What do you call Kosher ice? Iceberg
- I can't pull my hamstring Its not kosher
Kosher Pickle Jokes
Here is a list of funny kosher pickle jokes and even better kosher pickle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you make pickles kosher? Cut the tips off.
Silly Kosher Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about kosher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jewish rabbi jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kosher pranks.
Kosher Deli
A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.
"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.
The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."
The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"
I had to get rid of a friend...
I had to get rid of a friend at college this week. He did nothing but steal my hoodies and eat bacon in every class. I asked him why, and he responded "Keep your friend's clothes, and your enemy's kosher".
A man invites his Jewish friend out for lunch
Upon arriving at the restaurant, his friend says "I'm not sure I can eat here. Is Burger King kosher?" The man waved his hand dismissively and says "Don't worry, it's Burger King: Have it Yahweh."
I told a joke to my Jewish friends about kosher food, but they didn't like it at all...
they said it was too ham-f**....
A leading rabbi has ruled that m**... is kosher
Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...
How do you eat a kosher meal?
You Jew it.
Need-a-joke: The English language is like ________, there are lots of rules and ______________.
Not sure if this is kosher here, but I need a joke for a student's speech I'm helping with, something about English and rules.
Guy demands a pound of Polish sausage
A man walks up to a counter and asks for a pound of Polish Sausage! The clerk looks at the man and says wow... you must be Polish.
The man says how dare you sir! You're a racist! Do I have to be Italian to eat Italian sausage...? Do I have to be Jewish to eat kosher beef...? Can only Germans drink German beer...?
The clerk responds well no... but this is Home Depot.
Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.
"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."
Rabbi Schwartz and Father O'Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch
Father O'Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?
Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, At your wedding.
An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...
It's not a kosher place, but he thinks what the h**..., why not? He asks for a seat outside.
He looks at the menu, and decides if he's gonna eat non-Kosher food, he's going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an apple in its mouth.
The dish comes out, and just as the waiter is setting it as his table, the rabbi sees one of his congregants walking towards him on the sidewalk. The rabbi is terrified of being caught.
Panicking, he shouts out would you look how they serve an apple here??
Source: my grandpa's joke, told almost every Rosh Hashanah
A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.
As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.
On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."
In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"
An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.
The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."
The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for an hour after we are done."
The Jew says: "I am using Kosher fish oil from the grocery store and my wife is shouting for one month after we are done.'
"One month?" asked in astonishment the other two.
"Yes, that's because I wipe my hands with the bedroom curtains..."
