kosher Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kosher puns

Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.

Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."

Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"

Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."

With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"

Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.

"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.

Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"

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A Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi are talking with one another...

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Rabbi, you keep Kosher, correct?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Of course, father." The Priest then asks, "But have you ever broken kosher?" The Rabbi then says, "I admit that I have. When I was a young man I once indulged myself in ham, and in doing so broke Kosher." "That's very interesting," remarks the priest, "for I am free to eat as much ham as I please."

"What about you, father," begins the Rabbi, "you keep celibate, do you not?" The preist replies, "Of course, Rabbi." "But," continues the Rabbi, "have you always kept so?" The Preist then says, "I admit, I have not. When I was a young man I once shared the night with a woman."

The Rabbi then leans in and asks, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

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Which aisle is the Ukrainian sausage in?

A customer asks, "In what aisle will I find the Ukrainian sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Ukrainian?"

The guy says, "Yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "So why did you ask me if I'm Ukrainian?"

The clerk says, "You're in Home Depot."

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I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly.

It's a real breath of fresh air.

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What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend?

Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher

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A man invites his Jewish friend out for lunch

Upon arriving at the restaurant, his friend says "I'm not sure I can eat here. Is Burger King kosher?" The man waved his hand dismissively and says "Don't worry, it's Burger King: Have it Yahweh."

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Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

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Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.

On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with the Chinese waiter in Yiddish. The owner responds:

"Shh, don't tell him. He thinks he's learning English."

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I had to get rid of a friend...

I had to get rid of a friend at college this week. He did nothing but steal my hoodies and eat bacon in every class. I asked him why, and he responded "Keep your friend's clothes, and your enemy's kosher".

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Two old jews are talking about their children...

The first one says "My son has decided to stop keeping kosher! Oy! What a terrible world" The second one replies "Your son? \*MY\* son! My son has decided to stop keeping the Sabbath! Oy gevalt! What can we do?" They seek guidance from the chief Rabbi of their village and share their woes with. "Your son?" he replies "\*MY\* son! My son has fallen in love with a shiksa! Can you believe it?" Three of them decide their only recourse is to pray to God and ask for his guidance. And as they are praying a big booming voice from the heavens says "YOUR SON? \*\*MY\*\* SON..."

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Irish Racism

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"


The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords.

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3 guys are lost and stumble upon a farm.

There was a indian, a jew, and a mexican. They asked if they could sleep there for the night. The man says "sure but one of you will have to sleep in the barn" the indian says "it is fine I will sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door, it's the Indian and he says "im sorry but I can not sleep in the barn there is a cow and it is a sacred animal" so the jew says "its fine I can sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door, its the jew. He says "im sorry but I can't sleep in the barn, there's a pig and it's not Kosher" so the mexican says " it is okay, I will sleep in the barn" about a minute later there's a knock on the door. It's the donkey.

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I'm like a jumbo kosher pickle

Guess you could say I'm a pretty big dill.

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I want to start a kosher hotdog company

And call it Anne Franks...

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[Joke Request]: Death of Wife

I don't often see joke requests on here, so I'm not sure how kosher this is, but I'm looking for a very specific type of joke and was hoping you guys could help.

The basic premise is that a man's wife dies, his buddy empathizes and feels sorry for him, assuming that the man is sad, but the punchline reveals in some way that the man is quite content with the outcome (or something along those lines).

I know there are a million of these, with all sorts of different contexts and punchlines. But my mind is blanking and google hasn't helped.

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Did you know you can't go into a Kosher kitchen if you're having an argument with dairy?

Because then you would be having beef with cheese.

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I started using kosher yeast in all my baking

Now my bread rises 3 days later

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Guy demands a pound of Polish sausage

A man walks up to a counter and asks for a pound of Polish Sausage! The clerk looks at the man and says wow... you must be Polish.

The man says how dare you sir! You're a racist! Do I have to be Italian to eat Italian sausage...? Do I have to be Jewish to eat kosher beef...? Can only Germans drink German beer...?

The clerk responds well no... but this is Home Depot.

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What do you call an unsweetened, kosher lemonade?

acidic juice

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Need-a-joke: The English language is like ________, there are lots of rules and ______________.

Not sure if this is kosher here, but I need a joke for a student's speech I'm helping with, something about English and rules.

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What do you call a truck that hauls Kosher goods?

A Semite truck.

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A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher

Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...

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What do Kosher bars serve?

Juice.

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What does the Jewish track coach do to the female runner?

He Kosher.

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Italian guy meets a rabbi on a train...

They chat for a while, and soon the Italian pulls some sausage out of his pack and offers some to the rabbi.

"Is it made of pork?", he asks.

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

A little while later, the Italian cracks a bottle of wine and offers the rabbi some.

Rabbi looks at the bottle. "Thanks, but it's not kosher. God's law"

Italian says, "Your god is very strict. What would happen if there was nothing kosher to eat or drink?"

"God makes exceptions in cases of life and death", replies the rabbi.

At this, the Italian pulls out a pistol, points it at the rabbi's head and says, "Drink the wine!" The rabbi, with a very annoyed expression, complies, taking a nice long sip.

The Italian apologizes. "I just wanted you to have a taste of the wine."

Rabbi glares at him and replies, "Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?"

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I recently found out that "shlong" was Yiddish.

It made me wonder what other Kosher things my dad gave me as a child.

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If He has risen...

...does that mean Jesus isn't kosher for Passover?

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I can't pull my hamstring

Its not kosher

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "Prejudice" these days....

"Nationality Bias"
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

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What do you call Kosher ice?

Iceberg

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I recently found out that "shlong" is a Yiddish word.

It's really made me wonder what other kosher things my dad had given me as a kid.

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Benedict Cumberbatch, if we dissect his name it means "Blessed batch of cucumbers"

In other words, he is just a jar of Kosher Dill Pickles

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Going to take my girlfriend out on a date to a Jewish restaurant.

Hopefully it'll bring us kosher.

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Rabbi and priest are sitting together on a plane

They immediately hit it off and are having a lively discussion when their meals are served. The priest notices the rabbi's kosher meal and asks,

" I know that Jewish people do not eat any pork, but I was wondering if you have ever tasted bacon?"

The rabbi answers, " when we were little, my parents were not religious, and I have to admit, we ate bacon! Along the same lines, have you ever had sexual relations?"

The priest pauses and lowers his head. " When I was a teenager, I was quite the wild one, and I have to admit, it's better than bacon."

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News reports say a Muslim hid several Jews in a freezer at the kosher market in Paris last week

I guess the oven must have been broken

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What are the most funny Kosher jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kosher? Well, here are the best Kosher dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Kosher pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes