Know Knock Jokes
92 know knock jokes and hilarious know knock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about know knock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Know Knock Short Jokes
Short know knock jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The know knock humour may include short knock know jokes also.
- A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said 'it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck' I said 'I know'
- "Knock Knock". "Who's there?". "Little old lady". "Little old lady who?" Ah, I didn't know you could yodel.
- Dad: Got a good joke for you, it's a knock knock joke Me: OK...
Dad: you have to start...
Me: OK, Knock knock
Dad: Who's there.....
Me: ಠ_ಠ .... Well I don't know, IT'S YOUR JOKE!
- My son made up this joke. Knock knock -Who's there?
-Alexa
-Alexa who?
-Sorry I don't know that one. You can always leave feedback on the Alexa app. - What are the most popular jokes during the pandemic? Inside jokes.
You know what the least popular are?
Knock Knock jokes. - Wolf down this joke fellows -Knock knock
"Who's there"
-"Howl"
"Howl who ?"
-"Howl you know unless you open the door ?" - Don't know why used car salesmen get such a bad rap. Mine knocked 20 bucks off the muffler tax just because he liked my face!
- Voldemort: Knock Knock James: Who's there?
Voldemort: You Know
James: You Know who?
Voldemort: Exactly.
James: Aw, Dang! - Knock knock joke I made when I was 10 A: Knock knock
B: Who's there?
A: Whatsa
B: Whatsa who?
A: A tiny person who lives on a dust speck
Lame I know, but I was proud of coming up with that - Knock knock Who's there?
Passive-aggressive girlfriend.
Passive-aggressive girlfriend who?
IF YOU DONT KNOW IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!
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Know Knock One Liners
Which know knock one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with know knock? I can suggest the ones about work knock knock and food knock knock.
- Personally, I'm not into any impreg k**... myself but... Y'know... knock yourself up.
Fun-Filled Know Knock Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about know knock you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kid knock knock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make know knock pranks.
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
"Okay," she says.
After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed.
"Let's take these things off."
One night, there was a knock on my door.
..
i open it and no one was there every night I would get the same knock and still no one was there...
Untill the morning I was just making myself some tea as a person knocks on my door it was a black man he walk in and stole my tea ....
i said to myself did he just mug me ....
I still didn't know who was knocking on the doors at night
Untill one night I opened my door and there was a floating mug I was still confused.
Best knock knock joke ever.
Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl knocks on my door and said Brick or Breat. I said what are you dressed up as? She said a Birate.
A birate you mean a pirate She said ya a birate. I asked if you are a pirate were are your buccaneers you know your band of cut t**...'s and theaves, were are your buccaneers? she said under my bucking hat give me the bucking candy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hello?
- "Hello?"
- "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
- "No Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
- "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Paul."
- "Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
- "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."
- "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
- "I did it Daddy."
- "And what happened honey?" he asked.
- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!"
- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."
***Loooong Pause***
Then Daddy says,
- "What swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
A man gets knocked down outside a parish...
... the parish priest runs out and sees the man in great pain, he also notices the wedding band on the man's ring ringer. He says to him:
"Tell me your name and I will tell your wife", the man replies:
"She already knows it"
A sad looking man walks into a bar
And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.
Painting a Church: My favourite joke
Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.
One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.
Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.
Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.
Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two doctors
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have s**... for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a p**... of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."
Baseball, old one from my dad.
Little Stephen wanted to play baseball, so he went and rounded up his friends and his last stop was at Timmy's.
*knock on the door*
"oh hi Stephen, what brings you over? " ask Timmy's mom.
" Can Timmy come out and play baseball? "
" Now Stephen, you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs" says Timmy's mom.
"Oh I know, " says Stephen" we just want to use him for first base. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No s**...
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up s**... for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.
The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.
"**KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!**"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
in response to a deleted post: How do you apologise when you're wrong? [knock knock joke]
Me: knock knock
(assuming they're still speaking to me and know what to say next)
Them: Who's there?
Me: Kenya Fork
Them: ...Kenya Fork who?
Me: Ken ya forg-ive me?! I'm sorry
(Works well to distract them from the fact that you were wrong about something by the lameness of the joke!)
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams:
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!"
The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please.
The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD."
The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push!
The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door.
The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy.
"Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk."
"All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this."
Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?"
The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"
A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.
"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.
"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.
"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"
"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.
Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.
"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
45th birthday
Two weeks ago was my and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!
Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
KGB Joke, from old country
This was definitely a response to that thread about the passport staples
----------
Four men are staying in a hotel room. Three have opened a bottle of v**... and are getting pretty rowdy, while the fourth is trying to get some sleep. He leaves the room and asks the concierge for some tea for room 60, where they are staying. He returns to the room, leans into an ashtray and says "Comrade Major, more tea for room 60". A short while later, there is a knock at the door and tea is delivered. The other three men are visibly spooked and quiet down. The fourth man goes to sleep.
The next morning, the other three men are gone. He goes downstairs and asks the concierge where they went, He says "You don't need to know". The man asks, "But why was I left alone?". The concierge replies, "Comrade Major really liked that tea joke"
Chain jokes?
I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:
Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy
I'm gonna turn nfsw on just in case :/
A state trooper knocks on Mr. Smith's door...
"Mr. Smith," The officer goes on, "as you know, we have been searching for your missing wife for the last 10 days. We've put our best men and our most advanced resources into the search. The governor is going to call a press conference this evening to call off the search. I'm here to tell you that you should prepare for the worst."
So, Mr. Smith says, "alright, but you've gotta drive me to Goodwill to buy everything back!"
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Q:why did the chicken cross the road ?
Me : don't know why.
A. To get to a dorks house
Me: Ahh ok ? ...I don't get it.
ok maybe you'll get this one. Knock knock.....
Me: who is there ?
A: the chicken !
My 3 year old told me a joke on our way home from pre-school.
From her car seat yells up to me, "Knock knock, Daddy!"
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!
A guy walks into a bar after a long day.
I thought this up today. My exhausted mind thought it was funny as well as my slap-happy friends.. we were all a bit out of it. Anyway..
This guy is walking home after a really long, hard day. He decides to stop by his favorite bar to wind down a bit.
He walks in and sits at the counter and the bartender comes up asks,
"What can I get you today? The usual?".
At this, the man replies,
"No, today I need something a bit stronger.. it's been such a long week. You know what I really want? I just need to smash something over my head, that should get my frustrations out."
The bartender gave the man a shocked expression. He stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and shrugged. He reached around and grabbed an empty bottle and said as he handed it to the man,
"Here you go. Knock yourself out."
An Awful Joke I Heard as a Kid.
A bunch of boys knock on a door and when a woman answers they ask her, "Can Johnny come out and play baseball with us?"
The woman says, "You boys know Johnny doesn't have any arms and legs."
"We know," they say, "we just wand to use him for second base."
Unidentified Submarine
Three Americans are sitting inside their submarine when suddenly they see an unidentified sub on their radar. They try to radio the people inside but no one answers. So they decide the best way to figure out who it belongs to is to go out into the water and look for markings on the sub.
First guy goes out, comes back a few minutes later and says "I couldn't see any markings on it...no clue who it is."
Second guy goes out, comes back a few minutes later and says "yeah same here, no flags, marks, nothing."
Third guys goes out, comes back a minute later, laughing. First two guys are confused so they ask him what happened. He said,
"They're Romanians."
"How do you know that?" They ask him.
He says "I knocked and they opened."
An accountant goes to the doctor...
An accountant knocks on the door of his doctor's surgery and walks in.
"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that he turns around and walks out.
----
30 seconds later he is back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."
The Doctor looks up from his desk and says:
>"Mmm. I think you have a serious case of double entry."
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
The police knocked on my door the other night...
...and informed me that they were there to take my dog away. Apparently there had been complaints that he was chasing down and barking at my neighbors' son on his bike.
I happen to know, however, that my dog doesn't ride a bike.
Hobo paint job
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My cute younger brother's contribution.
Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bedroom animals
A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
60 Years of Marriage
An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.
Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"
She responds "that's for 60 years of bad s**..."
They continue to rocking on the porch.
A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.
With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"
Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."
Tell a joke that is well-known in your country
Even jokes that are poorly translated are normally funny because they're so bad.
An example of a well-known British joke is:
'Knock knock'.
'Who's there?'
'Doctor'
'Doctor Who?'
'You just said it'.
It has to be one that if you asked 100 random people in your country most would know it.
*SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A barber is telling his customer about the stupidest kid he knows..
He tells him, "I tell everyone about this kid and what a m**... he is. Every time he comes by I offer him two quarters OR a single dollar bill. He takes the quarters every time...never learns."
Right as they're talking the kid walks by the window. The barber knocks and waves him in. The kid walks up and the barber offers him two quarters or a dollar bill. The kid takes the quarters and leaves.
"You see that? Every single time! I feel sorry for our future." says the barber.
Curious, the customer chases the kid down and asks, "Why do you take the two quarters? You know one dollar is worth more, right?"
"Of course I do, but the day I take the dollar, he'll stop paying me"
Someone knocked on my door
As I opened, I saw a pizza delivery guy with a large pepperoni pizza in his hand.
"You must be mistaken. I didn't order any pizza!", I said
"Yes, I know", he replied, "Your neighbor forgot his instagram password and wanted to show you what he's having for dinner!"
A blonde was desperate for money...
so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'
Facebook Problem
Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...
... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"
Suzy
Why did Suzy fall of the swings?
Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzy.
What did Suzy get for Christmas?
Gloves
Ha Ha just kidding that's mean
We actually don't know she hasn't opened it yet.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
A mother in law knocks on the door, her son in law opens it....
MIL - hi Gabe, I'm here for a visit.
Gabe - cool. How long are you here for?
MIL - I don't know, as long as you want me to.
Gabe - you mean you won't even stay for a cup of tea?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man moves to a new neighborhood
After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
some knock knock jokes my daughter told me on the way home from school
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana skin."
"Banana skin, who?"
"Yay! Someone slipped on me! You know, *because people slip on banana skins*."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Toilet paper."
"Toilet paper, who?"
"Noooo! Don't wipe me on your droopy bottom!"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Garbage."
"Garbage, who?"
"You won't get me clean! I like being smelly!"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"House."
"House, who?"
"I'm going to chomp you up! Into teeny, tiny pieces! ***because I'm an evil house***"
I don't think she quite grasps how knock knock jokes are supposed to work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Velma and Shaggy, your in the final round and this is the £10000 question, name a animal that has a single horn
"RHINO!"
Yes s**... Doo, I know you know but you were knocked out in the last round.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Knock !!!!
My daughter told me this one. I hadn't heard it before.
daughter: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know.
daughter: She was going to visit the d**....
Me: ?
daughter: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
daughter: The Chicken
Me: :/
The pope was visiting San Fransisco in his limo
He said to his chauffeur, "You know, I never get to drive. I want to drive."
The chauffeur doesn't want to say no to the pope, so they switch places.
Immediately, the pope floors it, sideswiping cars and running red lights.
Eventually, he gets pulled over. The cop knocks on the window and the pope rolls it down.
The cop looks at the pope, then at the chauffeur in the back, and goes back to his car.
He radios in to his superior and says, "Sir, I don't think I can arrest this guy. I think he's God, he has the pope driving for him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...
The rabbi sits them down and says, "I want you to know that almost everything in our religion between a man and a woman is permitted, with the exception of dancing. There will be no dancing between a man and a woman."
A bit surprised, the couple looks at each other, and the groom asks the rabbi, "Well, what about s**..., can we talk about s**...?" The rabbi says, "Sure."
The future bride asks, "Positions...is m**... OK?'
Rabbi: Of course it is.
Groom: What about woman on top?
Rabbi: "Knock yourself out, kids."
Bride: "And standing position?"
Rabbi: Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing.
A woman ran over my cat with her car.
The cat was killed and the woman knocked on my door. "I'm so sorry. I've accidentally killed your cat and I'd like to replace it." I said "I'm sure we can work something out, but first I need to know if you can catch mice."
Today my girlfriend learned about knock knock jokes.
She is from Indonesia and for whatever reason she said "nok nok" which is the equivalent of "oink oink" which i learned later.
Thinking she said "knock knock" i thought she wanted to make a joke and asked:
Me: who's there
She: pig
Me: pig who?
She: pikachu
That was the first thing that came to her mind when i said "pig who?" And she didn't even know that she just made a knock knock joke.
I had to explain her what it is since she was confused
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds
"I'm a h**..., are you interested?"
The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.
Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.
"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"
The man answers "I'm having s**... with my wife"
The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."
The man responds with "Me neither."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Crude Dental Work (In Australian)
Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'
5 Minutes !
The police just knocked on my door and asked Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"
"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."
"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.
My daughter pulled this on her aunt
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aunt: I don't know. Why?
Her: To get to the old lady's house
Aunt: ???
Her: Knock knock
Aunt: Who's there?
Her: The chicken
My daughters joke
Her knock knock .
Me who's there .
Her no dad you say knock knock .
Me ok knock knock .
Her who's there .
Me looking confused and already starting to smile. Errrr I don't know, who is there? .
Her I don't know then she laughed and ran away.
Edit for Missing fullstops.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know if two elephants were having s**... in your backyard?
Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The colonel rides again...
There was a knock on the door and the colonel opened it to see a young woman standing there. I don't know if you remember me colonel ... . Course I do gel, you're from the village, Jenkins' daughter, went off to university, well done, what can I do for you ? Well, I'm in my last year now, studying psychology you know, and I'm doing a paper on s**... in pensioners and I wondered if I could ask you some personal questions ? Course you can gel, nothing shocks me, old army type and all, ask away . Excellent, may I ask you when you last made love ? Mmmmm .. that would be 1945 . Oh colonel you have shocked ME, such a long time ago ! Don't see why gel, it's only 2100 now !
A man goes for an interview
The first question he faces - "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"
Man - I have a good sense of humor, but my general knowledge is weak.
Interviewer - Okay tell me joke
Man - Knock Knock
Interviewer - Who's there?
Man - The first president of The United States of America
Interviewer - The first president of The United States of America who?
Man - That I don't know
A construction worker named John Smith had an accident at work and died.
His co-workers don't know who is going to tell John's wife that he died.
After a lot of arguing they decide that Jack should bring the news.
After an hour Jack returns with two crates of beer. Everone asks him how he got them.
Jack : I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I asked: Are you John Smith's widow?
The woman answered : No, I'm his wife!
Jack: You want to bet two crates of beer that you're not?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Three old ladies playing a round of bridge
The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."
The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was going down."
The third lady says nothing and keeps playing, and the other two look at her expectantly. She looks at them both, "What? Don't look at me, my memory is as solid as this table." She then knocks on the table, looks at the door and says, "Hello? Who's there?!"
For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...
*Knock-knock*
~ Who's there?
~ You know
~ you know who?
*avada kedavra!*
Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.
A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Knock Knock
\-Who's there?
\~Daisy
\-Daisy who?
\~Daisy me rollin'!
I know it's terrible but my aunt named Daisy just came up with this and I thought it was so s**... it made it funny and wanted to share.
