Knocks Jokes

Following is our collection of knock knock clothing humor and dirty knock knock one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Knocks puns for adults, dirty dirty knock knock jokes or clean knocker gags for kids.

There is an abundance of slam jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes on knocks. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any punch witze you can hear about knocks.

The Best jokes about Knocks

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."

He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."


A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.

He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.

The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."

The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.


A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...

Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?

Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...

As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH

Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???

Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.

Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?

Bob: I was still wearing it

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

A police officer knocks on a man's door.

The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.

"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.

The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."

" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

A blonde woman dyes her hair red....

A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she's tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, "If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, "there is 124 sheep in your farm." Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she's about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks,"Ma'am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

In the words of Bill Murray...

An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.

One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."


ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A sad looking man walks into a bar

And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.

The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"

This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.

After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"

The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"


He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.

In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"

"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."

"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"

"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"

"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.

"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"

A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects

A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"

The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".

"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".

"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".

The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"

"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".

"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"

"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".

"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"

"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

All anti-semites

Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"

A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.

"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"

The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife"

The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."

The man responds with "Me neither."

A pig goes to a bar and knocks back ten beers.

"Need to know where the bathroom is? You've had quite a lot," asked the bartender.

"Nah," said the pig. "I'm the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.

The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.

The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

Jehovah's Witness



I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."

"My ears? On this luscious body, you think my ears are the most sensitive?"

"Well, yes. When you said you heard somebody coming, that was me!"

60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

A man is walking trough the red light district..

He stops at a window with a beautiful girl behind it, takes good look, knocks on the window and yells: 'HOW MUCH!!?'

She: '€50,- !!!'

He: 'THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD PRICE FOR TRIPLE INSULATED GLASS!!!'

Grandma's Facebook

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls it down and asks, What's going on?

Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100m ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations.

How much is everyone giving, on average? asks the driver.

The man replies, Roughly a gallon."

The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."

"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."

"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.

The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.

"How can you ride with one ticket?"

"Watch and you shall see."

The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.

The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.

"How will you ride without any tickets?"

"Watch and you shall see."

They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:

"Ticket please."

I don't want to get up, Papa.

An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!

John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.

The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.

John says, I don't want to go to school.

Why not? asks the father.

Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.

And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.

Let the Trucker Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

Engineers and Lawyers on a Train

Three lawyers buy their tickets for the train. They notice three engineers also buying tickets, or rather, just one ticket. Curious, the lawyers follow the engineers on to the train and sit just behind them.
During the trip the conductor comes along, "tickets please... tickets please." At this point the engineers all get up, walk to the back of the car and all pile in to one bathroom. The conductor checks the lawyers tickets and continues to the back. When he reaches the bathroom he knocks, "tickets please." The door opens a crack and one hand presents the ticket.
Inspired by this craftiness the lawyers agree to use this method on the return trip a few days later. In the train station they see the same engineers also getting ready to return on the same train. The lawyers buy one ticket and the engineers buy... none! Perplexed, the lawyers once again follow the engineers onto the train. Once again the conductor starts checking tickets. The engineers get up and crowd in to one bathroom then the lawyers get up and crowd in to the other bathroom opposite the first.
At this point one engineer emerges from his bathroom, crosses the aisle, knocks on the lawyers door and says in his most official voice, "tickets please."

One night, a Police officer knocks on a woman's door...

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat, "we have bad and good news".

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"

"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed

"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

Another Jehova's Witness joke

A jehovah's witness knocks on a on a door and a man answers the door.
The jehovah's witness tells the man, "I'm from Jehovah's Witness and I have some stories I would like to share with you.

The man replies, "Sure, come on in. Have a seat on the couch. I just made some coffee would you like a cup?"

The Jehovah's Witness agrees to the coffee and they both sit down on the couch. The man says "So what are these stories you would like to share with me?

The Jehovah's Witness answers "I have no idea. No one has ever gotten this far!"

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We moved in yesterday and don't have electricity yet."

Has this to anyone?

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says " What's for dinner?"

Three Irishman

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.

a jehovah witness asks a boy sitting outside a house playing on his phone if his parents are home..

"yes they are" says the boy without looking.
The jehovah witness knocks on the door for a while and nobody comes out, so he asks the boy: "Are you sure your parents are home?"
yes i'm sure says the boy.
After knocking on the door again and after no getting a response the man says "Are you really sure that your parents are home?"
"Yes i'm sure" says the boy.
"so, how come your parents don't answers the door?"
without looking the boy says "because that's not my house"

A man is crossing a busy road

A man is crossing a busy road when he's hit by a red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow, lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry, red Lorry, yellow, lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry and finally another red lorry.

Later that day a younge police officer knocks on the door of the man's wife to inform her of the news

Wife - "officer what is it?"

Officer - "your husband was in a terrible accident"

Wife - "oh no what happened"

Officer "ma'am there's no easy way to say this"

So Prince Charles is hunting in the woods

When he notices a rustling in the bushes. After shooting at it he hears a yelp and goes to see what he's shot. To his horror, he's accidentally killed one of the Queen's corgis. "Oh Mother will be so angry" he thinks to himself. It is at that moment that he stumbles and knocks over a lamp on the ground and a genie appears and says "You freed me from the lamp, so I shall grant you a wish!" Delighted by this amazing coincidence, Charles says "Yes could you bring this dog back to life?" Sadly the genie replies, "I'm sorry but I cannot raise a living thing from the dead, it is too great a task even for me."
Crestfallen, Charles decides he may as well go for a selfish wish then and says "If that's the case, could you make Camilla beautiful?"
Awkwardly, the genie responds "So you shot your dog, huh?"

Come over

A guy and a girl had been flirting for sometime.

One day the girl says come over there's no one at home

So the guys quickly goes to the girls house and starts ringing the doorbell. He knocks and rings the doorbell again several times but... nobody answered

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house.

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny came home from school early and walked in on his parents having sex.

Little Johnny: "What are you two doing?"

Father: "I am playing *Poker* son"

Little Johnny: "What about mom?"

Father: "Don't worry about her, she is my *Wildcard*"

Little Johnny shrugged, put down is backpack and went to the bathroom. An hour passed by and his dad became concerned.

Father: *Knocks on the door* "Little Johnny! Are you okay?" *No response* "LITTLE JOHNNY! ARE YOU OKAY?"

Still no response, his dad knocks down the door to catch Little Johnny playing with himself.

Father: "What were you doing in here, Little Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "I was playing *Poker*, Dad."

Father: "Oh really? If you're playing *Poker, then where is your Wildcard*?"

Little Johnny: "*Dad, when you have a hand this good, you don't need no Wildcard*"

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel.

Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."

The man does so,but the door doesn't open.

So he knocks again and the madam re-appears

The man says,"Hey, I'd like to get screwed."

The madam : "Again ?"

A guy walking I to a bar and says to the barman "quick, get me a shot before it starts"...

The bartender gives him a shot which he knocks back and says "quick quick another one before it starts".

The bartender gives him another shot which he knocks back and says "another... before it starts"

The bartender says "wait a minute, how do you intend to pay for these drinks"?

"Ah" the man says, throwing his arms up in frustration... "it's started"

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

A FedEx guy knocks on the door....

A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, naked except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.

FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"

The kid says "What do *you* think?"

A homeless man comes to a rich man's house and knocks on the door

"Please sir," says the homeless man, "I've not eaten in the last 3 days. Would you let me come in for some food?"

The owner of the house is sympathetic and tells the man, "you can come in, if you paint the porch round back. There's a bucket of yellow paint next to it."

The homeless man agrees, and half an hour later comes to the door again.

"Finished already? Come on in then, my wife is in the kitchen cooking you up a good meal."

"Thank you, sir," replied the homeless man, "but just so you know, it's a BMW you've got, not a porche."

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"No problem, I have money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her

"Natalie?"

"Yes?"

"I want to spend a little time with you"

She smirks at the man's appearance

"It will cost you $1,000"

The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back

"I wanna see Natalie"

"Well it's still $1,000"

"O.K., I have the money"

He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.

So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says

"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"

"I am from Michigan"

Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"

The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.Β 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"Β 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.Β 

Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.Β 

We are going from car to car, and collection donations.Β 

How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....Β 

The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"

*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.

*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.

Where ya bin?

trashman knocks on the back door of an Asian restaurant.

The proprietor comes out

Trash man says: 'where's ya bin'

Asian proprietor says: 'I bin to Hong Kong'

Trash man says: 'no... where's ya wheelie bin?'

Asian proprietor: 'I wheely bin to hong kong'

Trash man: 'ok... so how about: where's ya dust bin'

Proprietor: 'I dust bin inside doing some paperwork'

The trash man, defeated, left without the trash.




Disclaimer: it's such an old joke but it's always been one of my favourites.

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".

The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him with gas and burn him alive. I'm out here taking up a collection to help."
"Oh, God." I said. "Of course I'm willing to help. Anything. How much have you got so far?"
"About six gallons." He said.

A farmer has three daughters when they were finally allowed to date it went something like this.

First daughter..... Guy knocks on the door and says "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show is she ready to go?" Second daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says, "hi I'm Eddie I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" Third daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says "hi my name is CHUCK!" Dad promptly slams the door!!!!

A man decided to rest after taking a drive...

And goes to sleep in his car. Minutes later a cyclist knocks on his window, waking him up and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what the time is?".The man replies, Sorry, I don't know the time." After going back to sleep, he is awoken again by a jogger, who asks, "Sorry, but do you know what the time is?". The man, quite annoyed, says " I don't know what the time is!" After the jogger leaves, them man makes a sign saying "I do not know what the time is!", leaves it in his window and goes back to sleep. Then, again there is a knock on the window and standing there is a Scout. "What is it you want?", asks the man. The boy replies, "The time's 5:43."

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,

"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in their final showdown...

...light sabers are flashing, the balance is delicate, but suddenly Luke knocks Darth's weapon away. As it's skidding out of reach, Luke moves in for the final blow. Quickly, Darth holds up a hand and says "Luke, wait! I need to tell you something". Luke, sensing a trap, asks why he should do such a thing. Darth replies, "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas." Slightly taken aback, Luke asks "How do you know that?". Darth replies "Luke, I felt your presents."

The night's winding down, and all the customers have left except for this one drunk.

Bartender: Hey man, you should get going, go back home and get some sleep.

The drunk leaves through the back door of the establishment and, as the bartender is cleaning up, comes back in through the front 10 minutes later.

Bartender: Hey man, I just kicked you out, we're closing for the night!

The drunk leaves through the back, and not five minutes after the bartender locks the front door, the drunk comes and knocks.

Bartender:Dammit, didn't I just tell you-

Drunk:Hey, barkeep! How many bars do you work at anyway?

A salesman knocks on the door and a small child answers

The salses man asks, "Is your father home"?

"No, he was ran over by a tractor".

"I'm sorry to hear that, is your mother home"?

"No, she was ran over by a tractor".

"Do you have any big brother or sister at home"?

"No, they were ran over by a tractor"

"So what are you doing here all alone"?

"I'm driving a tractor"

A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.

When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"

Got this one from my grandpa.

Cans of paint

A man knocks on his neighbor's door:

"Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I'd ask you how many cans of paint you bought."

"Sure thing! We bought seven cans"

"Awesome, thanks!"

A few days later, the man knocks on his neighbor's door again, looking a bit ticked.

"Hello again, what's up?"

"Well, the other day, you told me you bought seven cans of paint for your bedroom, right?"

"Right"

"Well, the whole room is painted and we have three cans left".

"Oh, you too?"

A man moves to a new neighborhood

After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door

"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy sex."

"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.

"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".

A farmer has three daughters.

A boy knocks on the door and says "I'm Eddie and I'm here to take Betty for spaghetti."

The farmer calls Betty and she goes on her date with the young man.

Another boy knocks on the door and says to the farmer "I'm Joe and I'm here to take Flo to the show".

The farmer calls Flo downstairs and the two go to the show.

A third boy then knocks on the front door and says "I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.

World's Best Vacuum Cleaner

A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.

Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.

She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".

I'm your Birthday Present

It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a hooker for his Birthday.

The hooker went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.

Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."

A guy moves into a new neighborhood...

And a redneck knocks on the door. The guy opens and the redneck says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The redneck replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"

Reunion

*What is Reunion?*

Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.

Instead you go to your neighbour's wife to make love to her.

Her husband comes and knocks on the door.

You go under the bed.

The husband enters the bedroom.

Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.

The husband takes advantage of the wife's absence to call your wife.

Your wife quickly arrives and they make love.

Suddenly his wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.

You're still under the bed.

Your wife rushes to hide under the bed.

*This is REUNION*

A Bad Day (Clean)

A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink.
After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him.
He picks up the man's drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying.
"Don'€™t take it like that," says the regular. "It was a joke. I'€™ll buy you another one."
"It's not just that," replies the man. "This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I've just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison"

A blonde woman is looking for work....

So she decides to ask around her neighborhood if anybody needs any work done.

She stops at one mans house and asks

"Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you had any work that you need done around your house"

The man says

"Sure, I need my porch painted"

"Oh great!" The woman says, and she goes to get the supplies while the man goes back inside.

2 hours later, the woman knocks on the door again.

"That was fast" the man says

"Im a quick worker" the woman says, "By the way, thats a Ferarri, not a Porch"

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams:

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!"

The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please.

The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD."

The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push!

The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door.
The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy.

"Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk."

"All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this."

Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?"

The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"

Mothman

So a man is out late at night, walking to his doctors office. He gets there and knocks on the door. The doctor comes out and asks the man why he came so late. The man responds by saying:
''Doc, i'm sorry to be bothering you at such a late hour, but I think that I may be turning into a moth!"

"A moth! You don't need to see me, you need to see a psychiatrist!" says the doctor

"Well, I was on my way, but I noticed that your light was on!"

A barber is telling his customer about the stupidest kid he knows..

He tells him, "I tell everyone about this kid and what a moron he is. Every time he comes by I offer him two quarters OR a single dollar bill. He takes the quarters every time...never learns."

Right as they're talking the kid walks by the window. The barber knocks and waves him in. The kid walks up and the barber offers him two quarters or a dollar bill. The kid takes the quarters and leaves.

"You see that? Every single time! I feel sorry for our future." says the barber.

Curious, the customer chases the kid down and asks, "Why do you take the two quarters? You know one dollar is worth more, right?"

"Of course I do, but the day I take the dollar, he'll stop paying me"

A guy knocks on an old ladies door

He says excuse me, I think I've killed your cat I just ran over it in the street but I'd like to offer to replace it. She looks at him and says how good are you at catching mice?

The pope was visiting San Fransisco in his limo

He said to his chauffeur, "You know, I never get to drive. I want to drive."

The chauffeur doesn't want to say no to the pope, so they switch places.

Immediately, the pope floors it, sideswiping cars and running red lights.

Eventually, he gets pulled over. The cop knocks on the window and the pope rolls it down.

The cop looks at the pope, then at the chauffeur in the back, and goes back to his car.

He radios in to his superior and says, "Sir, I don't think I can arrest this guy. I think he's God, he has the pope driving for him."

A father and his three daughters...

are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
Hi, my name is Lance, I'm here for Nance. We're going to the dance.
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
Hi, my name Joe and I'm here for Flo. We're going to watch the show.
Flo left with Joe
A third young man arrives.
Hi, my name is Chuck- the father shot Chuck

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes