The Best 46 Knocking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Knocking jokes. There are some knocking dirty knock knock jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these knocking drunkenly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Knocking Jokes and Puns

Heard my neighbor having sex for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

Knocking joke, Two Native Americans

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?


So a cannibalistic couple are try to decide what to have for supper one night...

When they hear a knocking at their front door. The husband opens the door where he sees a little boy crying. The kid then says, "Help me I'm lost, my name is Stuart and I live on 3rd street!" The wife hears the commotion and walks over to see what's going on, and the husband turns to her and says, " I guess we're having stew tonight."

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Knocking joke, Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

Hardware Store

A friend of mine went to the hardware store to pick up a saw. When he found one that he needed he grabbed it from the shelf quickly, knocking a few other saws off the shelf with it. They fell on him and he unfortunately died.

I guess you could say he was taken by supplies.

A lion walks into a bar...

...and sits down for a drink. He is followed in by an obnoxious woman who begins causing a scene in the bar. She begins knocking people's drinks out of their hands, cussing at people, and starting fights. The lion sees this and is annoyed, and in a few bites he eats the woman. Everyone cheers and the lion continues to drink at the bar.

He tells the bartender, "man, I sure do feel tired now...I have no idea what could be causing this! I'm exhausted and have barely had anything to drink..." The bartender promptly replies, "well, it must have been that barbiturate!"

A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.

When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"

Got this one from my grandpa.

Knocking at the door

Someone knocked at a man's door.

He opened it but saw no one, so he closed it.

He then receives a text from his 4'11 friend, asking why he didn't open the door.

He replied "Sorry, I guess I overlooked it."

You can explore knocking dirty knock knock reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean knocking kicks dad jokes. There are also knocking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her out cold.

Standing over her prone form, the drunk grins triumphantly, and slurs out "Yeah! Not so tough now, are you Batman?".

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

A woman collapsed on the street

Her husband, luckily, was able to catch her in time.

"Is anyone here a doctor!?" The husband shouted with sheer panic in his tone.

A man barreled through the onlooking crowd, knocking a few of them over to join the husband and wife.

"I'm a vegan!" The man said.

A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,

"Mom, why does everyone think we are stupid?"

Her mum chuckles and says

"Bring me a pot"

A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a pot from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the pot.

The daughter turns to the door and says,

"Mom! Someone is at the door!"

The mom chuckles and says,

"See, this is why people think Blondes are stupid...
now hold this pot so I can go answer the door."

*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Knocking joke, A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won'

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks what's with the long face, the horse doesn't say anything because it's a horse, it doesn't understand English and it looks confused. It walks out the bar knocking over a few tables.

A huge guy walks into a bar and approaches a little guy.

The huge guy karate chops the little guy on the back and says "That was a karate chop from Japan."

A little while later the same huge guy chops the little guy on the back again and says "that was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar for a little while and when he comes back he whacks the huge guy on the back knocking him to the ground.

"Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.

Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.

That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?

His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?


A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

Two guys are walking down the street

One of them sees a "For Sale" sign hanging on a lamppost, and starts knocking on it.

The other one says, "What are you doing?"

"I wanna buy it so I need to see how much the owner wants for it, but he won't open up."

"Weird. The lights are on."

Fun fact:

No matter how much you try to prevent it, one day you may wake up with a large washbasin knocking on your door.

Just let that sink in.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

Who's knocking on the door?

"Who's knocking on the door?"

"A sink. He won't stay long."

"Impossible. A sink can't knock on the door. You just let that sink in for a moment."

Why aren't carpenters superstitious?

Because they're always knocking on wood!

A blind man walks into a convenient store with his seeing-eye dog

And he's walking around when all of the sudden, he picks his dog up by the leash and starts swinging it around, knocking everything over.

The cashier runs over and starts yelling
"Sir! Sir! What the hell are you doing!?"

The blind guy puts his dog down and says
"Oh, I'm just looking around."

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

I was trekking through the Brazilian rain forest with LL Cool J...

... when from out of nowhere a small creature lept from the trees and hit me straight in the face knocking me unconscious.

I woke a few moments later and asked LL what had happened. He said, "A Marmoset knocked you out"

How do you get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking on your door?

Tell them you're an avid blood donor.

I hate it when people come knocking on your door telling you that, "You must be saved or you'll burn"

Stupid Firemen.

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

Have you heard about the man who goes around knocking on doors?

"Doesn't ring a bell"

"That's him!"

Won't believe the nerve of my neighbor knocking on my door at 3AM.

Fortunately I was up playing the drums.

This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come on, man. I could use a beer to wash that down."

Shaking his head, the barman says "No wild animals and no drug addicts "

Confused, the bear says "Drug addicts? What drugs?"

The bartender shrugs. "What about that bar-bitch-you-ate?"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church

He enters a confession booth and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk man shouts, "Ain't no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"

I heard a faucet knocking on my door...

Let that sink in.

My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's

And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...

Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better places..

But the look of pure joy on his face every time i tell him she's dead just makes my day and keeps me from leaving.

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the swarm.

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

I recently moved into an apartment building from a house.

The neighbors came knocking at the door at 2am, are all high density living situations full of assholes.

Anyway, it totally interupted my drum lesson.

A drunk staggered into a Catholic church.

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times.

The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

Lost my wristwatch at a party once. A guy stepped on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I punched him straight in the chin, knocking him out. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.

11 year old made this one today.

Why are woodpeckers so lucky?

They're always knocking on wood.

A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says

Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky

As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other.

The bartender says You okay mate? What's brought this on?

The man replies Man, I should *NOT* be drinking all this with what I've got…

My god replies the bartender, what have you got??

Man replies About five bucks..

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the knocking knock jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working knocking thud piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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