The Best 79 Knocked Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Knocked jokes. There are some knocked dirty knock knock jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these knocked knocked up beard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Knocked Jokes and Puns

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing"...

A man gets knocked down outside a parish...

... the parish priest runs out and sees the man in great pain, he also notices the wedding band on the man's ring ringer. He says to him:
"Tell me your name and I will tell your wife", the man replies:

"She already knows it"

There was once a woman...

One day a woman became pregnant, she took the advice of her mother and aborted it. A few weeks later she became pregnant again! She also did what her mother suggested... A few more weeks later she (once again -_-) got knocked up, tired of taking her mothers advice, she went to the local parish priest and said to him "I keep getting pregnant, there must be something in the air"! To which the priest replied "yes... Your legs"

Knocked joke, There was once a woman...

A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a pot of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'


A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"


He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

A drunk walks up to a guy...

A drunk walks up to a guy. says to him, " I am God."

The guy says," Go away, you are drunk."

"I can prove it to you, if you want" said the drunk.

"O really! Then prove it."

The drunk went up to a door and knocked on it thrice, three times. The door opened, and a woman came out,

"Oh God, not you again. Go away!"

Knocked joke, A drunk walks up to a guy...

Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husbandΒ turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then theΒ young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without sex."
Without missing a beat, MargaretΒ replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."

Someone knocked on my door

As I opened, I saw a pizza delivery guy with a large pepperoni pizza in his hand.

"You must be mistaken. I didn't order any pizza!", I said

"Yes, I know", he replied, "Your neighbor forgot his instagram password and wanted to show you what he's having for dinner!"

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

Facebook Problem

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

You can explore knocked dirty knock knock reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean knocked knockout dad jokes. There are also knocked puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I was on the train having a poo.

When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."

"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.

"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

Cast the first stone...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful mΜΆuΜΆmΜΆ cook."

A police officer knocked on my door last night.

He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car crash".

"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".

Knocked joke, A police officer knocked on my door last night.

A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

Salesman - Hello. Would you like to buy a book titled '500 Excuses to Tell Your Wife After Staying Out Late'?

Woman - Why on earth would I buy a book like that?

Salesman - Because I sold a copy to your husband earlier today.

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.

"No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she snapped again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!"

By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"


So Velma and Shaggy, your in the final round and this is the Β£10000 question, name a animal that has a single horn

"RHINO!"

Yes Scooby Doo, I know you know but you were knocked out in the last round.

I'm pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with our neighbor.

So I grabbed my shotgun, walked over to his house, and knocked really loud on his door. He opened the door asking why I had a shotgun in my hands. I handed it to him saying, "If you want my wife you can have her, but you're going to need to use some protection".

A Chinese man walks into a bar

A Chinese man walks into a bar and starts drinking a beer. The man next to him asks, "Do you know Kung Fu? Or Karate? Taekwondo? Any martial arts maybe?"

The Chinese man replies in disgust, "You think that just because I'm Chinese I know martial arts? That's racist!"

"Good, because you're drinking my beer," was all the Chinese man heard, before he got knocked out with a punch.

A jewish guy gets knocked over by a car...

A passer by runs over to check on him. He bundles up his coat into a pillow and places it under his head "Are you comfortable?" the stranger asks. He replies "Ach, I make a living."

Cr

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No, Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and check the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for Cotton.""

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat the other day.

So, immediately, I went and knocked on her door, and I said, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am; I think I've killed your cat. To make amends for this tragic mistake, I'll replace him if you'd like."

She said, "That's very noble of you, but how are you at catching mice?"

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.

Sounds good to me! I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?

Well, no...

Then please wait in the waiting room

She was building up tension.

I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?" Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

A traveling salesman knocked on the door of a farmhouse..

And since it was getting late, he asked the farmer if he could sleep in the barn that night. The farmer said, "That would be fine, but you have to promise to leave my son alone." And the salesman said, Oh no! I'm in the wrong joke!"

I can't believe my neighbour.

He knocked on my door and yelled for me AT 2am. 2am! Can you believe him? Lucky for him i was still awake playing my drums.

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

I wanted to go to the psychic…

But when I knocked at the door, she said who's there?

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day...

I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"

He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."

So a neighbor knocked on my door at 3am. *3am*

Luckily I was already playing the bagpipes

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."

"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.

"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:00am

I know 2:00am!? Good thing I was still up playing my drums

While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

I knocked on my father's door in the middle of the night, begging him to let me in. I said, "Please let me stay here dad, I'm a wanted man."

He said, "That's impossible son. You weren't even a wanted child."

A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my door this morning.

Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day? he asked.

Well, I replied, I'm not a big fan of the Terminator series. I Said

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I don't know what they're filling the pool with, because he abruptly left when I offered him a glass of water

I went to a psychic and knocked on her door...

She asked who is it
So I left.

My now knocked up GF just told me that she's an anti-vaxxerr

so I only have to pay for 4 years of child support instead of 18.

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday

...in fact I knocked him right over.

You should have seen his reaction.

A blonde was in a hotel

The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?

The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup"

Once a man, knocked on a door and an old lady opened the door. Without a word the man went in took a lot of cow dung from his bag and threw on the carpet. "You see , I have a wonder vaccum cleaner with me here, if this doesn't work I'll eat every piece of that dung" he said.

"Do you want tomato ketchup with it ? " The lady asked. "Cause you see, we still don't have electricity in this house"

A construction worker named John Smith had an accident at work and died.

His co-workers don't know who is going to tell John's wife that he died.

After a lot of arguing they decide that Jack should bring the news.

After an hour Jack returns with two crates of beer. Everone asks him how he got them.

Jack : I knocked on the door and a woman opened it. I asked: Are you John Smith's widow?

The woman answered : No, I'm his wife!

Jack: You want to bet two crates of beer that you're not?

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match

3 hours later he wakes up in a hospital

John: (slowly) Where am I?

Nurse: I. C. U

John: No you can't!!

I saw two ladies fighting over the PS5. One knocked the other out.

She must have been an ex-boxxer.

Don't know why used car salesmen get such a bad rap.

Mine knocked 20 bucks off the muffler tax just because he liked my face!

A police officer just knocked on my door...

and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it…

I said, 'excuse me but what's happening?'

She said, 'there might have been a salad dressing'

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m.

3 a.m.!!!

Fortunately, i was still awake, playing my bagpipes.

Someone knocked on my door.

"Who's there?" I asked.

"Police," replied two men.

I asked them what they wanted. "We need to investigate your property for cannabis."

"I haven't got any," I said. "Now be on your way."

"Sir," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

"Because you might find the cocaine," I answered.

The police knocked on my door last night and asked "Where were you between 3 and 4 ?"

I said, "Nursery!!!"

A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.

"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."

Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"

"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."

Knock knock

One time I knocked on a psychic's door. She said, "Who is it?" So I left.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I've made a grave mistake.

I went to an Animal Costume Party with my wife on my back

I knocked on the door and was immediately told I wasn't in costume.

I said that I was and when asked which animal I was I said,

I'm a turtle and on my back, that's Michelle

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

Can you believe that ! My neighbour knocked on my door at 1:30am this morning.

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

A man knocked on my door...

.. and asked if I could make a small donation to help the neighborhood public pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.

"If not in, leave with neighbours."

I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.

A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."

My neighbor. She's single. She's shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?

I quickly replied, Nope, I'm free!

Great she said. Can you watch my dog?

Todd's Room

The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Todd, are you entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"

A drunk staggered into a Catholic church.

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times.

The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a rooster

He was very upset.

He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your rooster. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..

so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed," and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
"What is it now?" demanded the head.
"Could we speak to George this time please?" asked on the the hikers.

A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning

When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet

He then said if this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever's left of the shit

To which I replied well you better be hungry because my electricity has been cut off since 5am

Knock Knock

Knock Knock.

-

Who's there?

-

Ninja.

-

Ninja Who?

-

Obviously a bad Ninja cause i knocked.

I just knocked over my water bottle and it spilt everywhere

*no cap*

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the knocked sat jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working knocked knocked up piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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