Knives Out Jokes

90 knives out jokes and hilarious knives out puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about knives out that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Knives Out Short Jokes

Short knives out jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The knives out humour may include short fork and knife jokes also.

  1. When I see lover's names carved in a tree... I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.
  2. When I see lover's names on trees, I don't think it is sweet. I think why on earth do people bring knives on dates?
  3. Dark HUMOR When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
  4. To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen Remember that's where the knives are kept.
  5. Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers. They never take a stab in the dark.
  6. Comprehensive guide to sneaking knives through TSA. Worked 7/7 times for me so far with a switchblade.
    Step 1: Be white.
  7. Told this joke to my mom, and my dad overheard and laugh loudly, proud moment for me. Even until now knives keep being...Cutting edge technology
  8. My girlfriend said to me 'If you could, would you want to know when you died and why?' I said 'No'
    She replied 'Well, I'm going out to buy some steak knives, want anything?'
  9. Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7? Because 7 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 sur5al but 6 knew that 7 secretly h8ed him and didn't have be9 in10tions.
  10. Couple's initials carved on a tree is cute and all but I think it's weird how many people bring knives on a date ... in a forest

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Knives Out One Liners

Which knives out one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with knives out? I can suggest the ones about pulled knife and sharp knife.

  1. Knives are extremely advanced They are all cutting edge technology
  2. I've started blunting knives to help myself relax. Really takes the edge off.
  3. Why do pianists need so many knives? They have to do a lot of Chopin.
  4. What do you call your significant other's knives? Bae blades.
  5. Onions are a lot like knives.... If you get them in your eye you'll probably cry
  6. Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate Proof that black knives matter?
  7. Daddy, where do scissors come from? Well, two knives screw together.
  8. I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives ...but no dice.
  9. Why do knives not make great friends? Because they're really edgy!
  10. how do you stop two blind guys from figthing? Scream: i bet the one with the knive wins!
  11. What do you call the science of knives? Cutting edge technology.
  12. I hate blunt knives They just won't cut it for me
  13. All knives are cutting edge technology. ... Or maybe just cutting technology.
  14. Why was the body builder playing with knives? Because he wanted to get cut
  15. My friend told me a joke about knives. I said it was too edgy.

Knives Out Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about knives out you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stabbing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make knives out pranks.

A teacher asked three students what causes war. The first student said, "Knives." The second one said, "Guns." The third one drew a dot on the board. The teacher asked, "What's that?" The student replied, "A period." The teacher asked "How does a period cause war?" The student replied, "If my sister misses one, my mom will kill her."

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.
There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.

Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.
-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!
One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

This guy goes to the zoo one day...

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own c**..., looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

On a dark and stormy night...

...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.
No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt against America. Michelangelo's David led the charge towards Italy.
As the war of human versus statue waged on, a group went into the United Kingdom, led by the Venus de Milo, intent on overthrowing the English government.
However, as the statues were ready to attack, the British generals noticed something. None of the statues had any weapons! No guns, knives, armor, anything.
After this realization, one British general turns to another, points at the leader of the statues and says,
"Don't worry; she's 'armless."

Two men sit in a bar when a guy with a bunch of knives comes in..

.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"
Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"
An hour later a guy with 5 arms and 3 legs comes in and the other guy asks:
"Who is that??"
"That's *Cherno Bill*"

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

Why are knives always the funniest students at utensil school?

Because they're the class cut-ups.

Why does the Islamic State use knives as traffic signs?

So they be-heading in the right direction.

I'm sitting in a jail cell

and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so s**.... On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?
But all in all, it just wasn't work the whisk.

Besides, rotisserie meat is too tough for those tiny army knives.

Swiss people refuse to dine at Boston Market because they hate choosing sides.

I recently went to a science seminar on new materials we could use to make knives more efficient

It was cutting edge stuff.

I bought some new knives today

The old ones just didn't seem to cut it anymore

Why do hillbillys like to use dull knives?

theyre not very sharp

What do you get if you cross a 20-year-old man, and 37 steak knives?

25 years in prison

Rest in peace David Bowie

I love your knives!

One fine day..

One fine day in the middle of the night
two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policeman heard the noise
and ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

I hear Bernie has his own personal knives and forks...

They're called cucklery

A recent report shows that

Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this.
My toast was very hairy

A Woman's place is not in the kitchen

Cause that's where all the knives are.

Want to hear a quality joke about knives?

On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps
crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants
I've come to tell you a lie that is true.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other
Pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policemen heard the noise
And ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

I lost some forks and knives...

Silverwhere'd you go?

When you see lovers names carved into a tree,

Do you think that's sweet, or do you worry that people bring knives on dates

In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price

It could be called the Goodkill

Wanna know what really divides people?


What do you call a salad that looks like it was repeatedly impaled by knives

Caesar salad.

You can make any salad jnto a Caesar salad.

You just gotta add 23 knives.

If I had 3 knives, and you took 1, what would you have?

A gravestone.

There are knives on the piano.

I guess you could say that's an F sharp.

Nihilistic Knives.

What's the point?

You know collecting knives makes me cool because

they are so edgy.

I came up with a new game:

Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.
I called this game "Life".

did you hear the one about the knives?

It's a real cutup

Breaking news: Plastic knives to be redundant

They simply aren't cutting it anymore

Take a woman you're interested in to a Haunted House. If she screams while people chase her with fake knives...

She'll probably scream when you try to actually stab her

A psycho once tried to kill me using three knives.

He failed; and I said, ''yeah, knife tri (nice try).''

There 3 Red Knives, 7 Blue Knives, 4 Green Knives, and a Purple Cat all shuffled into a bag. What are the odds Timmy picks a Cat out of the bag?


Rambo V will apparently only feature Swiss Army Knives

I don't know why, but the logo will be a big plus.

Why did Chicken DEATH cross the road?

To get to the other scythe...
(and a million Terry Pritchett fans sharpen their knives)

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost
As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.
Turks: you come in our country and have the b**... to insult us.
Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.
Turks: Let's get him outside.
Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.
*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*
Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

Turks got 3 problems

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.
Turks: you come in our country and have the b**... to insult us.
Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.
Turks: Let's get him outside.
Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.
*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*
Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.

A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light

As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.

The joke I always think of when asked what's your favourite joke?

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They've started pronouncing the silent 'k' in words. Those kniving b**...!

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.